andradaveselu

[andradaveselu]

I love Demo so much and he's so underrated. I think i already gobbled up everything w him.

Can you bless us with some headcanons/oneshot with Demo walking in on his crush masturbating? Or his crush walkin in on him? 👀

W fem or gn reader please and thank youu love xoxx

what? everything? I'll have to take your word for it, I can't safely venture in the tag. I'll stick to headcanons of demo walking in on reader and save the other for a potential future separate request

Contains: gn!reader, rare demoman sobriety moment (I'm workshopping the name for this here)

-

It's been a long day, and Tavish just wants to hit the showers, wash his hair, and end the day.

He hears water running in the locker room and thinks alright, he's not gonna have any privacy just yet, it's whatever, but then he sees the back of your head sticking up over the door to the shower stall you're in.

Your back is turned, you're leaning against the wall, and you're moaning.

He's seen something he shouldn't, so he tries to leave, but he trips on his own feet and nearly falls over, and now you know he's there.

It's a mortifying situation for both of you. He stands frozen in place and you shrink down in the shower hoping he'll just leave.

He can't stand to see you like this. He has to diffuse the situation.

"Dinnae worry, I won't tell the others," he calls. "I'll come back later."

Oh thank god.

Way to go, Tavish! Crisis averted!

"Unless you want some help? I promise ye I'm not drunk!"

No! What are you doing?

You peek out from behind the door and timidly accept.

He strips down to his birthday suit and tries to clear the awkward air, stepping into the shower with you.

Oh, you're a sight for sore eye for sure. You're even better than he imagined. But there's no time for ogling you, or for you to ogle him, which you're definitely doing. He's half-hard already.

He closes the distance between your bodies and kisses you. That'll help you forget your worries.

You were in the middle of masturbating already, so there's no need for foreplay, but he's gotta get it up the rest of the way himself, and he can't imagine not having his hands on you at least a little.

When he does start fucking you in earnest, he's got you pinned to the shower wall, one of your legs held up and around his waist while the other keeps you upright. His tongue's halfway down your throat in an attempt to muffle all the sounds, but he can't stop moaning into your mouth.

True to his word, you don't taste a hint of booze, thank god. You couldn't live with yourself otherwise.

When it's all over, he finally says it: "I love you."

You hug him closer. "I love you too."

You finish showering together. It's the perfect night for you to head back to his bunk room and spend the night in each other's arms.

[andradaveselu]

Hello!!! Do you do nsfw alphabets?

If yes, can you do one for Demoman? If not just some relationship headcanons (sfw and/or nsfw) for him with a fem s/o.

Thanks and have a nice day 🩵

I do them but only sometimes because they're lengthy and time-consuming. I had to scroll through posts of everyone's NSFW alphabets to find a blank version which is fine but perhaps my least favorite was one of dog/day from pop/py play/time. Idk who looked at the dog mascot who got ripped apart at the waist and thought "would" but I need to tell y'all what I went through to make this happen. We're in this together. I don't drink because I'm at risk for alcoholism but if demo could pass me a bottle of scrumpy that would be just dandy.

Contains: nsfw content (obviously). All sex acts taking place with this character are during the rare moments he's sober, something I'm going to start clarifying and hope it takes off. Also reader is gender-neutral since i wasn't sure if you wanted a female reader with the NSFW alphabet but hey.

-

A. Aftercare- what they're like after sex

He's a cuddler. Since he knows he won't be sober much longer, he tries to make it count before he's day drinking the next morning. Sex with him doesn't happen every day, but he'll always be sweet with you.

B. Body part- their favorite of theirs/their partner's

On him it's his love handles. Don't tell me he doesn't have love handles I'm a demoman love handles conspiracy theorist and you can't tell me he doesn't. Please handle him with love. By the love handles of course. On you, he's a certified thigh man. Any size, any thighs.

C. Cum- anything to do with cum

Loves cumming on you more than in you. Doesn't matter where. If you like seeing him cum all over himself he'll do that too.

D. Dirty secret- a dirty secret of theirs

You couldn't waterboard this out of him, but he'd love it if you stole a pair of boxers out of his hamper for your own naughty purposes. He wants to be wanted.

E. Experience- how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?

He knows what he's doing. He's not super experienced, but he's attentive. Just tell him what you want and be straightforward with it.

F. Favorite position

Missionary. It's just a good position to him.

G. Goofy- are they more serious in the moment, are they humorous, etc.

He prefers to keep it serious, but a little lightheartedness doesn't hurt. He'll keep the mood light and more casual or crack a joke here and there. He just wants you both to have a good time.

H. Hair- how groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.

Full bush full-time babey!

I. Intimacy- how are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.

Plenty of romance to counterbalance the silliness. He's got one hell of a bedroom voice and he will use it.

J. Jack off- masturbation headcanon

Pretty straightforward when it comes to jorkin it. Most of the mercs seem like they get off to slapstick comedy routines but not him.

K. Kink- one or more of their kinks

He's pretty vanilla, but he's open to trying something you're into. The hard part is scheduling anything because he has to be lucid enough (as in sober) to consent to anything. He once bought and tested a spiked chastity cage while hungover and that did not help. He has so many regrets.

L. Location- favorite place to do the do

Prefers a bed, but sometimes he'll spontaneously initiate because his body, mind, and internal organs are all in optimal sex having condition. Quick! Meet him in the 2fort spiral while you still can!

M. Motivation- what turns them on, gets them going?

He loves hearing your moans. Or whimpers, or whatever sounds you make during foreplay.

N. No- something they wouldn't do, turn-offs

He's not particularly into S&M. Intox play is a hard "are you daft, mate?"

O. Oral- preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.

Giving is a good way to keep his mouth occupied. Receiving is a good way to make him putty in your hands.

P. Pace- are they fast and rough, slow and sensual, etc.

If it's a spur of the moment tryst, he'll be pretty fast, but if it's not, he's slow. He'd take his time every time if he could, but he's, put frankly, kind of a mess, so every second counts.

Q. Quickie- their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.

As established, he's inclined to go with quickies when it's the best he can do, but he really wishes he didn't have to. A good motivation to cut back on the booze so he has more opportunities to do things properly and on an easier timeframe, but the fact that he has to fit sex into a schedule at all is still a problem. At least if he's on the opposing team he can reuse that one line and change it to "Dominated! And I've been shaggin' yer (class)!" if your team ever catches you literally sleeping with the enemy.

R. Risk- are they game to experiment? Do they take risks?

Since, as established earlier, he's pretty vanilla on his own, he's happy to experiment here and there. If you're the kinky one in the relationship he's open to suggestions.

S. Stamina- how many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?

He can handle a couple rounds, or a bunch of short rounds if you're having to rendezvous on short notice. He can't always "shorten his fuse," so to speak, but he won't complain if he manages to shorten yours.

Sorry I tried to get through this without making an explosives joke but I failed. I even held back from making a joke about a sticky end when I was writing C because it was right there and he has a voice line for that.

T. Toys- do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?

The spiked chastity cage of hangovers past is available if you literally have the cock and balls for it but he's not wearing that thing ever again. Oh, if you want to put him in a normal one, be his guest, but he's done with spikes on his bits. Basically he doesn't do much with toys and that's something you'll want to bring up with him.

U. Unfair- how much they like to tease

He doesn't mind a little teasing here and there. Some of the lighthearted mood comes from getting a rise out of you and giggling about it. He thinks it's cute when you're needy.

V. Volume- how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.

Doesn't get loud until he's climaxing, at which point he's screaming. Plenty of moans and groans throughout.

W. Wild card- a random headcanon

Sometimes people look at him and think he can just take whatever's thrown his way. Obviously that's not true. Give him the chance to be vulnerable. Maybe give him some comfort sex for once. He'll be happier for it.

X. X-ray- let's see what's going on under those clothes

He's pretty hairy. Full bush, happy trail, chest hair, butt hair. His dick isn't the longest but it's thick and he prides himself on being able to make you feel so full.

Y. Yearning- how high is their sex drive?

Barely there when he's drunk, but he's overwhelmingly pent-up when he's sober. He recalls having a pretty high sex drive before he started drinking and he felt like he couldn't function on top of an already dysfunctional life, thanks to his parents. It's not something he likes to talk about.

Z. Zzz- how quickly they fall asleep after

He's out like a light in no time. That's why he's so cuddly after.

[andradaveselu]

Howdy! Mind if i ask for Sniper, Engineer, and Medic with a s/o that can see in the dark? Like if the base has a power outage they're completely unaffected bc it's all the same to them lol

Absolutely m'lord :]

♡ Sniper, Engineer, and Medic w/ an S/o with Nightvision ♡

🎯 Sniper 🎯

He's so fucking confused

"Mate, what?? What d'ya mean ya can see in the fuckin' dark? What are ya, an owl??"

Immediately thinking of all the shit he's done in the dark when he thought you couldn't see and gets embarrassed

After the shock, he thinks it's super cool!

Tests it out by going into his van when its dark and asking "how many fingers am I holding up" and flipping you off

Also jealous of you. Why do you get to have nightvision and he doesn't?!?!

Will add "hooty" or "kitty" to the list of nicknames he has for you (already a lot)

He likes stargazing with you. He wonders if your vision lets you see more stars in the sky

🔧 Engineer 🔧

If you tell him, he thinks you're messing with him until you insist on proving it

"Well I'll be damned... how the hell is that possible?" Literally scratching his head lol

Asks you a lot of follow up questions, like has your vision always been like this, are your eyes more sensitive to light, etc

Very impressed, also concerned

He'd ask Medic for a second opinion to make sure you're okay otherwise because he cares pookie <3

In the event of a power outage he is so grateful for your ability, you're his guide for the moment while he tries to fix things

"You're just my guardian angel tonight, sugar."

💉 Medic 💉

When he finds out, he immediately takes you to the medbay for testing

Asks you to read shit in the dark, tell him how many fingers he's holding up, asks you trick questions, you get everything right

"Amazing.... your eyes are not only aesthetically pleasing but also a miracle of nature, schatz!"

He is so ecstatic!! He wants to know how the hell your eyes can do that

Expect a LOT of lights shined in your eyes and close examinations. Lovingly, of course

He is seriously beyond thrilled to have a partner with such a cool ability :] he loves your eyes even more than before

Might ask you to do some snooping around in the dark for him, many opportunities to be sneaky with this ability.....

thank u for the request! I hope u like it :]

[andradaveselu]

What about showering with the mercs? Nothing dirty, like, at all. But like, washing the gross men’s hair while the bask in the most affection they’ve gotten since 5th grade. Maybe I just wanna see tough and gruff grown men turn into putty when given the smallest amount of care. Gn reader please!! And thank you!!

I love how you assume they got affection in 5th grade. What a very bold claim.

The Mercs taking a shower with Y/N (SFW)

Scout:

- Scout is a very restless person. He can never sit still for more than five seconds. It takes a lot of massages and rubbing soap on his body for him to finally stop shuffling his feet. Even then his attention is always caught by something mundane. Like a weird tile on the wall or the window high above near the ceiling where nobody could be a peeping tom.

- Your affections finally catch up to him. He relaxes a little more when you start to do his hair. He lays his entire head on you and lets you work at his scalp. You notice for some reason his dog-tags are still on him and ask him about it. He shrugs and goes “What if I die in the shower or some shit? Who knows. Maybe a frenchie will fuckshit out of nowhere and backstab me.”

- You can’t help but huff at his joke. It was an amused yet annoyed response to his nonsense. He smiles groggily as you begin washing his back. “Do you do this often?” “Do what?” You ask. “Join a group of mercenaries and then wash their backs.” He says. You scowl at him and shove the loofah in his mouth.

———————————————————————-

Soldier:

- Literal dog. Arches his spine and tilts his head back in bliss as you scratch his scalp. Sighs in relief as you release him of today’s pressure. Turns around against the wall to let you do his back. Raises any limb up when you need it. He enjoys being treated like a pampered animal. He’s like a big Labrador that loves water

- He begins doing you as well mid wash. Covering you in body wash and rubbing your back and tummy in circles. You know little to nothing of soldier’s past so it’s quite a pleasant surprise when you discover he’s good at this. Palming the knots out of your muscles and encouraging you to relax. It’s just enough pressure not to hurt you.

- He took his helmet into the wash.. unsurprising. Pyro and Spy have insecurities with their true face as well. He tilts his helmet upward and flicks it off. allowing it to fall to the floor. His grey eyes are so.. loving. There’s this adoring smile on his face. He makes you so weak you both have to sit down in the shower.

- “C’mere cutie.” Oh. oh shit.

————————————————————————-

Demoman:

- Motherfucker brings alcohol into the shower and lights candles. It’s going to be awkward trying to explain to the others why there’s traces of platonic/romantic intimacy (your pick) in the fucking showers.

- … Let alone why some of the candles look suspiciously like sticks of dynamite.

- “Eh, I ran out of candles and em’ too lazy to get me ass to the store. The rest are just Delayed-Dynamite I bought from mann co a year ago. Don’t worry, we have aroun’ an hour before dey explode!” God you hate him so much sometimes. But you trust his profession in explosive devices and decide to risk it. If all else fails you’ll both just respawn and you’ll beat the shit out of him. No biggie! (Also that dynamite sounds really unhelpful.. No wonder he never used it.)

- Falls asleep in the shower with you on his lap. Usually he snores but he’s dead quiet this time with a big smile on his face. He seems quite content with this. Although you’re the one who has to snuff out the dynamite in time.

——————————————————————————

Engineer:

- He obviously won’t show it, but he’s really timid and embarrassed about this. The moment you both get in, you’re squished against the wall by his massive tummy. Like actually suffocating. This particular shower is way too small for two people.

- “Sorry, pardner.” He says, so unsympathetically that he practically radiates it. In truth his shyness immediately faded when he realized he had the upper hand in the situation. He had a grin on his face as he watched you struggle to grab the soap. Jesus, even his manboobs were obstacles. You wondered how this guy didn’t just crush people on the battlefield by sitting on them.

- “See here, now..” He adjusts his mechanical hand, making sure it was still working — even under the water. He grabbed the soap and began soaping up a loofah. “Guess you’ll just have to watch me, instead. Huh?” He teased. His soft spoken voice made it sound more like he was teasing a small newborn puppy for falling on its back, though. Good luck trying to move around, let alone convince him you’ll wash him.

—————————————————————————-

Heavy:

- LITERALLY SUFFOCATES YOU TO DEATH LIKE ENGINEER BUT MORE PAINFUL

- You’re half wondering if you’re actually going to die from this or break the tile wall. Heavy just stares down at your poor body — that you SWEAR is being mangled right now. “Little teddy bear is too small for Heavy.” He grumbles, shoving his body into you to see your panicked squeaks.

- It doesn’t help that he’s actually incredibly muscular. All of that isn’t fat. It’s pure. fucking. bear. He moves back a bit after getting his fill of enjoyment and you touch his chest with your hands for the first time. Realizing it was rock solid. How did you not notice this before?

- His soft monster-like breathing was calming and evened out your own. It was like you were washing a sleeping dragon. You’re slightly disappointed he’s not a huge werewolf. But regardless, he was calm very often and you weren’t. This closeness and intense heat from the shower was making you sleepy.

—————————————————————————

Pyro:

- Literally refuses. good job trying to get them in. You have to be a SUPER trustworthy friend/partner of many years before you come to this point.

- Even then, after they take a shower they enjoy a nice hot bath to unwind. It’s incredibly relaxing to lay on their chubby belly and allow yourself to take in the heat. They like their bathes EXTREMELY hot by the way. Might as well be boiling themselves. Luckily it doesn’t seem to be killing you or causing third degree burns, so it’s not boiling.

- When you wash them, make sure to rub their belly. They’ll practically melt at the touch. Maybe even almost fall asleep. Don’t forget to slap their belly like a drum. Produces nice sound. You NEED to do this. This is a threat.

—————————————————————————

Sniper:

- Yes, this man does shower regularly. Dear god. You people are degenerates. He is NOT smelly stinky. Professionals have standards.

- Gets extremely touchy feely with you. As you trace his chest scars he flinches for a second but then sighs. You explore his body whilst soaping him up. Every little part of him is free for touching. On his back are many, many scars from spies that the respawn machine didn’t quite heal. You touch those sensitive areas to test the waters (pun intended.) and he nearly takes a huge chunk out of your shoulder by almost biting you.

- But feeling your comforting touch.. And your fingers carefully gliding over the sensitive areas, he trusts you to treat them well. You are so close to him you can practically feel his breath on your face and smell his pleasant aftershave. “Goood..” He growls. He drags his compliment and his voice makes you shiver. It’s like your ears are orgasming.

—————————————————————————

Medic:

- He is unbelievably stubborn at first, but the moment you try and respect his wishes and leave, he goes “WAIT.” Yeah, fucking figures. You get in the shower with him and he’s trying to be stoic and distant most of the time. He feels exposed and it’s making him feel conflicted. Medic is dominate, protective by nature due to his difficult past. He feels a need to be in control of this situation entirely.

- He gets grumpy when you insist on washing him and reverses the situation. Instead opting to take care of you instead. He’s no stranger to massages. (Please don’t ask him about the time he had to check people bare naked when he still had his medical license.) And he’s really experienced in knowing all the right places. Instructing you in an incredibly professional manner to turn around, lift an arm and whatnot.

- The moment he goes to your stomach, he says quietly “Did you know that all your intestines are moving around in there like a snake right now? Ohh.. I’d love to feel the texture of them.” He presses his hand on your lower half, sad that it isn’t possible without cutting you open. He hums contently as he feels around where your lungs and heart would be. Counting every single second you breathe in and out.

- For some reason you feel like you’re being examined and breathe deeper breaths on instinct. Which only furthers his pleasure. “I want to be close..” His voice is barely audible. You swear he’s whispering this repeatedly. “I want to be close, I want to be close.. I want to be close.” He wraps his arms around you, squeezing you to death like a plush doll. “I want to be close, I want to be close!” He’s beginning to sound a little frustrated. As if he wanted to be one with you in some way.

——————————————————————————

Spy:

- He’s so used to sexual favors that he mistakes this as some sort of sexual intimacy at first. Taken aback when he realizes it’s just casual affection. He’s not used to people loving him for merely existing. He always has to be in somebody’s pants or he feels useless to said person.

- Refuses to take his mask off. It’s sopping wet. You look at his pitiful state with love in your eyes. He scoffs at you “Oh look, somebody who doesn’t have to hide their identity because they don’t have literal mafias, big name criminals, and government officials tailing them.. How very wonderful.” He’ll take it off for the hair wash but you have to close your eyes while doing it, otherwise he threatens to cut you. (Hah. Bullshit. He won’t.)

- Very quiet most of the time. Little speak. His touch is delicate and focused, rubbing your back as you wash his big chest. For somebody who folds like a piece of paper on the battlefield against enemy pyros, he’s certainly strong compared to you.

- You feel something gently poke at your back. Freezing in place, you eye the sliver object behind you. Low and behold there’s spy’s butterfly knife. He can’t seem to get intimate without pulling that thing out and doing casual knife play with you. No matter who you are to him; he’ll twirl the knife behind you on your skin. So delicate that he doesn’t pierce your skin at all. He does this often as a game of trust. Eager to see if you’ll shrink away or not. In fear of what he truly is. Weapons will always be a part of him.

[andradaveselu]

General Dating Headcanons with Medic

Words: 273

Just because you two have started dating doesn’t stop him from being insane, but he’s become a romantic, kind of insane. (Just for you <3)

He really wants to swap your hearts with each other’s as some kind of ‘romantic gesture’ but trusts absolutely no one else with that job, especially with yours.

Would do it himself, but is aware that he couldn’t do it and keep you both alive during it without someone else’s help. It doesn’t stop him from trying at least once.

He will reluctantly settle for swapping any other organ he can ‘safely’ swap. (Safely for him means staying awake to complete the surgery.)

After every battle he’ll try to find someone’s heart and give it to you, as it ‘represents his love.’ (So far all of RED and around half of BLU have had their hearts stolen by Medic.)

Will have your combat outfit slightly modified, now it resembles his own just enough for everyone else to know you’re his.

Entering this relationship means you’ve become another bird parent to his little ones, and the birds show their gratitude to you.

His love languages are physical touch and quality time.

When he isn’t touching you he’ll just hang around you, menacingly (To everyone else) stand right behind you.

Gives you special permission to stay with him in his lab all day, which includes during surgeries.

After you two start dating he will expect all your free time is spent with him anywhere he goes.

When you go under, if you'd prefer he'll put you under so you don't feel anything. (He will order anaesthesia just for your surgeries.)

[andradaveselu]

Yooo hear me out: pyro, demo and scout with a reader that dresses like a goth/punk on the battlefield, but in their free time they look like someone just pulled them out of a cottagecore pinterest board. (pre-relationship 👀)

Ooo, I like this one a lot!

It's pretty short, but I hope you enjoy!

A confusing fashion sense

Pyro:

-They absolutely love it! They immediately get the impression that you're open-minded, and that's one of the best qualities someone can have!

-They really like how easily you switch between styles and look really good in both of them

-They might ask to wear some of your accessories while out on the battlefield. They really enjoy the thought of matching you in some way

Demo:

-If you give them one of your accessories, they get so excited. Happy yelling, running around, hugs, everything

-He finds it a little amusing. He loves to see what outfits you choose each day. It's pretty much his version of a blind bag opening channel

-Might give you a few things every now and then if he thinks it fits either style. He does pay attention to the kids of things you like to make sure it fits one of your styles

Scout:

-He genuinely loves that you can go from 🥀😈🔫🚬 to 💞🌸🐰🥺 in a single day. It's one of his favorite things about you

-If you actually wear the things he gives you, his heart just straight up palpitates. Bro is down bad. He's not sure why that's what gets to him, but he can't really complain

-Initially surprised by how different you look on the battlefield vs. around the base

-In my personal opinion, he's actually got a really good sense in fashion. He will sometimes draw new combinations. He might show them to you, he might not. It depends on how proud of his work he is

-If you try out the outfit combos he comes up with, he doesn't even feel pride. He's just sitting there with this goofy look on his face like "wow... 🥹"

-He sometimes stares at you when he thinks nobody sees him

[andradaveselu]

Ask, and you shall receive! Someone wanted the support installment of what kind of people the merc would want, so here it is!

As always, hope you enjoy!

The perfect pair Pt. 2

Medic:

This man, as we all know, is a strange one who likes strange things. That would be no different when it comes to who he would be attracted to.

Whether they are outwardly strange or secretly strange, it doesn't matter! As long as someone goes against the norm, they're on the table. The weirder, the better.

It also doesn't matter whether it's physical, personality, or circumstantial otherness. Do they have moles in the shape of a constellation and that constellation has been a big part of their life in other ways that they cannot control? Interesting, tell him more! It just might become his favorite one!

Birth mutations? Fascinating! Beautiful! Please let him observe what your life is like with it! He will giggle like a kid in a candy shop if they let him examine it and how it works! He may even get Engineer to help him create things related to it!

Personality quirks or disorders that affect them differently than most people with those peculiarities? He will simply drop dead from happiness if they let him observe, understand, and help with any problems they have related to it!

One thing he will not stand for is if they are insecure or ashamed of these things. He will not rest until you can see the beauty he does. The human condition, especially for those who are considered different, should be studied, nurtured, and celebrated in his eyes!

Sniper:

Normally, he is attracted to quiet, low-key people. Those with a tender hand, yet firm grip on themselves. What I mean by this is, even if they are insecure or second guess themselves, they subconsciously know exactly who they are. Humble, but will never betray their morals.

Someone who doesn't flaunt, but is realistic and knows what their skills are. Someone who can appreciate the slow quiet moments. Someone who doesn't wake up super early, so that when he wakes up, he can just lay there and hold them for a little while before the day truly starts.

However...

He could also fall for someone with a more colorful personality, but it's tricky territory.

Someone who will verbally destroy someone for insulting them, but only if the jerk truly deserved it. Someone who will be up before him if they start the coffee so it'll just finish brewing right as he gets out of bed. Someone who can brighten the room with a single joke, or just by entering it.

Someone who could wear flower crowns and then suffocate a man with them. Someone fiery, but also comfortably warm. Someone cool, but also cold when the situation calls for it. Sun rays that quickly turn to death rays if necessary.

He either wants someone like him or a complete opposite in a level way.

Spy:

He's a classy guy. You'd think he wants a classy partner, right? WRONG.

Well, kind of. Just because he makes sure he is as pretentious as possible doesn't mean his significant other has to be. I think he would enjoy someone with that unorthodox, cheaper type of classiness. Like those people who could take ugly clothes and somehow make them feel new, expensive, and chic.

Someone who can make the most diabolical backyard moonshine and act like a million bucks while drinking it. You could swear it's water just from observing them.

To Spy, it's all about how they carry themselves. Someone who embodies bougie on a budget, possibly even retired diva. Someone who could be going to their first drag show ever, and all the queens are asking for advice, only for said queens' jaws to drop to the floor at how easy, cheap, and accessible being that bitch is.

He just wants a baddie fr

Sass, class, and no cash, just how he likes em.

Just think about it. Someone he pampers just because he can, not because they want him to.

That being said, I think a very ask-y person would be a turn off. Not because he doesn't want to share his money with them, but I think we all know that little voice that sits in the back of our mind when a partner asks for more than they give.

He wants someone who doesn't need him. He wants someone who he is only around because they say so. He wants a "walk him like a dog" lover, not a "make his pockets hurt" one.

If you want the defense class group next, raise your voice!

[andradaveselu]

Hey there

*slides some lint, buttons and a very bent paperclip*

do you think you could do all Merc’s headcanon about what they would do for a nightly routine (maybe with the reader I dunnoooo 😋).

*flutters eyelashes cutely*

NO WAY DUDE I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS EXACT THING BEFORE..... GET OUT OF MY FREAKING HEAD

♡ TF2 Night Routines Headcanons ♡

Written as if they are in a romantic relationship with reader :3 teehee, all SFW. sleeping together but not SLEEPING together you freak

(under a read more just bc there's a lot)

⚾️ Scout ⚾️

Usually hates going to bed, even when he’s really tired. Just laying down and doing nothing is so boring. His mind wanders a lot, keeping him awake anyways.

He doesn’t always brush his teeth and wash his face before bad. He’ll do it more if you point it out though, or do it with him. He doesn’t really care if he’s gross, but he cares about what you think.

For pajamas, he wears a white tank top and red plaid pants. It's a classic

When you’re not there, he’ll stay up drawing, reading comics (looking at the pictures), or checking himself out in the mirror until he’s so tired he can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Oh, but if you’re there, it’s great!

Doing all those things is so much more enjoyable with company. Even if you’re not as hyper as him, he likes that you listen to him. Gives him that warm tingly feeling inside.

He's used to sharing his space, so there won't even be an awkward phase when you sleep over for the first time, just jumps right into it

If you get tired earlier than him, he might groan and tell you to stay up later so you can have more time together, but he feels bad when he sees you looking exhausted. In the end he sucks it up and goes to bed earlier. He definitely thinks you’re cute when you’re tired, he would tease you a bit about it.

Time for cuddles baby

He insists on being the big spoon if there is any spooning to be done. He likes putting his chin on your shoulder to press his cheek to yours and holding you tight.

(Maybe he'll let you be the big spoon if you've been dating a while. And if you swear not to tell anyone about it.)

Other times during cuddles, it’s not really a certain position, you’re just tangled together. As long as his arms are around you, he’s happy.

Cuddling with you definitely helps him sleep. Instead of his mind wandering to stuff that would stress him out, he’s just thinking about you and how nice and warm you are.

🥪 Heavy 🥪

Goes to bed relatively early. He has shit to do in the morning, and he is a responsible man who needs his sleep.

If you stay up late, he will not-so-subtly suggest you go to bed earlier too. He cares about your health, and if that means dragging you to bed, then so be it.

Ok he wouldn't literally drag you, but he would make you feel guilty for making him go to bed by himself

"Oh, is fine.... just me and Sasha again tonight..."

For his pajamas, I imagine a nice basic long-sleeve shirt with a collar and pants, maybe with stripes. I think he'd like to be cozy

Man is tidy. Face washed, teeth brushed, pajamas on. It's nothing fancy, but he has a good routine.

Most definitely reads before bed, he's an intellectual. He prefers reading Russian literature just to relax. It's always like a thick-ass book with a dusty cover on it

Idk if this is canon or not but I think he deserves to wear little reading glasses. It would be so cute guys come on

If you ask him to read out loud or to share the book with you, he'll be very endeared by that. Knowing that you want to share it with him is really sweet, and of course he'll read to you

You're cozied up next to him in bed while reading, maybe with some hot chocolate or tea :] AWWW

He loves it if you fall asleep resting against him, like with your head on his shoulder of his chest

He also loves it if you fall asleep first, because he finds it cute. He'll gently set his book down and turn off the bedside lamp before settling down beside you with a sleepy smile.

🔥 Pyro 🔥

Pyro looks forward to going to bed! They don't have a particular time they go to bed, but they have no problem relaxing, especially when you're there

They do take their mask off to brush their teeth and wash their face, but they will not do it in front of you. It’s not that they don’t trust you, it just feels like a private moment to them

Their pajamas could be one of two options: the blue striped pajama set + nightcap combo OR a soft onesie. My first thought was a unicorn onesie, but really there's many animal possibilities here

See "Cat's Pajamas":

When they sleep is pretty much the only time they take off their mask. It would definitely take a lot of trust for them to show their face to you

Even when they get comfortable being "bare" in front of you, they tend to be more quiet when their mask is off, like they're not used to their words being unmuffled by it. They talk softly, which is actually very comforting

After the self-care and changing is done, they go back to their room, light a scented candle, then tuck their many plushies into bed. If you’re sleeping over, you’ll be lined up with them and getting tucked in too, no way around it.

Pyro would slide into bed with you, getting cozy with the blanket up to their shoulders and turn to you.

They’re a cuddler, usually, but they really just like a simple hug facing you. Facing away from you while cuddling just feels weird.

They like listening to you talk about your day, nodding along as you speak. They might fiddle with your hair or the edge of your pajama shirt too

Now is also a good opportunity for them to talk and actually be understood! They like telling you about their day too

I think they would usually fall asleep first :]

🗡 Spy 🗡

Definitely has a velvety soft maroon robe to wear in the evenings, and besides that, it’s a silk pajama set with matching slippers. Obviously. He would tolerate nothing less.

If you're really getting serious, he'll offer you a matching robe. He's so extra he'd get your robe like embroidered with your initials on it

Yay, you get to see him with his mask off!!!

He likes to spend a long while relaxing before even getting into bed, like drinking tea or wine while reading in front of the fireplace

He takes a lot of care into making sure you're comfortable too

He's not personally into face masks or that beauty-centered self-care stuff, but he finds it endearing if you are, and will supply you with only the best products to use

He likes seeing the difference between your 'professional' self and your relaxed self when it's just the two of you. It reminds him that what you two have is special

Speaks French more often while you're winding down. He'll usually translate for you if you ask, but sometimes he'll tease you by refusing to

He's more comfortable giving affection than receiving it, though he's good at hiding that under the guise of just being a generous lover

He'd give a killer shoulder massage if you're tense. He feels proud when he can make you melt into the bed

He's not super cuddly, but he does still enjoy it if you are. He prefers sleeping on his back, so he likes to put an arm around you while you lean into his side

He could fall asleep first if he wanted to, but he keeps himself awake until he's sure you're asleep

He snores a little bit guys. It's not that bad, really, but, it is noticeable

🎯 Sniper 🎯

Just sleeps in his black boxer briefs. It’s comfortable.

Okay, if you're around (depending on how long you've been together), he might be a little more shy and wear pajama pants, but still no shirt

(biased bc i wanna see his chest teehee)

Similarly to Spy, he likes to spend his evening relaxing. He's outside on his plastic lawnchair sippin' a cold beer with the boys

He doesn't have a set time for going to bed, he'll go to bed when you do. When you're not around, I'd say 10pm is the average

He'd usually prefer sleeping in his van to sleeping in the base, just because of the noise of the others, but he finds staying in your room kind of nice too. He likes poking around your things, it's sort of like looking into your head

Wherever you sleep, he fucking loves a little bit of ambience to fall asleep to, like crickets or rain on the roof. If those aren't present, maybe the radio playing quietly

He likes holding you while cuddling, but if you want to hold him, he's kind of shook. He didn't know that was an option

He likes being held by you when it's time to sleep though. Let him put his head on your chest and he will pass out

Especially if you pet his hair?!?!?! ITS OVER

May or may not drool on you a little bit

🔧 Engineer 🔧

Wears an old t-shirt and boxers/ boxer briefs. Also a good robe and slippers enjoyer, but he usually wears those when he gets up the next morning

SILLY HEART BOXERS

He does get wrapped up in work/tinkering with things for fun, but I think he would get tired towards 10/11pm, so he's not too bad about staying up too late

He'll also go to bed sooner if you do, no questions asked. He greatly prefers going to bed together

That also means he will insist you go to bed when he does

Won't leave you alone until you agree to go to bed. Very firm on his stance, crossed arms and everything

He likes literally going through your routine together, like sharing the bathroom while washing your face and brushing your teeth :] he likes that sort of domestic comfort

He also really like seeing you in your pajamas, whatever you choose to wear. You're so pretty/handsome when you don't even try

I don't think he would usually read before bed, he wants to give his brain a little break

He'd unwind by having a soft conversation with you as you two settled into bed, go over the day and maybe make some plans for tomorrow

He always compliments you.

"You did a real good job out there today, sweetheart. You've earned some shut-eye. Sweet dreams, darlin'."

Yeah this guy fucking cuddles

Let him be the big spoon he deserves it

He logically knows you're not small or weak, you certainly don't need his protection, but like... when he holds you he just gets that warm feeling of protecting someone he loves. Like, you're safe. :] D'AWWWW

💉 Medic 💉

Also a contender for the striped pajamas + sleeping cap combo. If not that, he would wear a nice button-up pajama set.

You would think he would have a good routine since he understands order is important, but... no. No, he doesn't.

He goes to bed at wildly varying times, from between 9pm to 4am, depending on how tired the day made him and how much "important work" he has to get done

One thing he puts more care into though is the night routine for his doves. He feeds them their seed and pets their little heads before he closes the cage up for the night. He kind of thinks of it as saying goodnight to his children, and it definitely makes him smile

He has a bad habit of falling asleep at his desk. Come get your man please, he's getting back problems

💜 Miss Pauling 💜

Okay, a lot of the time she falls asleep in her day clothes. Sometimes she actually wears a nightgown- light pink, long, loose and comfy.

She finally lets her hair down and she looks so cute when she's tired (which is unfortunately a lot)

By god, does this woman need sleep.

She pushes aside her own self-care for work stuff often, but she does try to at least brush her teeth every night

By the nature of her job and just her own personality, it can be hard to relax. She's always planning ahead and thinking of the next thing. She might definitely needs your help

This would happen once in a blue moon, but her ideal night time routine is finally taking an evening to fully relax with you

Bath, scented candles, face masks, painting nails, all of it

Well, actually minus painting nails because it wouldn't last long anyway. But all the other stuff!!!

She'd also enjoy cuddling with you on the couch while watching a movie and munching on buttered popcorn. I think she can appreciate a fun rom-com, but she usually prefers more gritty action movies. She would love Mad Max I know it

More often what happens is she comes home late, groans while she kicks her shoes off, brushes her teeth, and flops into bed where you already are

At least she still gets her cuddles

🇺🇸 Soldier 🇺🇸

Sleeps in his US flag boxers and that's it

Has an alarm set for 9 o'clock, at which IT IS TIME TO GET READY FOR BED MAGGOT

you do have to go to bed at the same time as him, he is yelling at you

you take turns brushing you teeth and flossing at the sink so he can (lovingly) yell at you through that too

He's being motivational!!

"THAT'S IT SOLDIER, I WANNA SEE SMALL CIRCLES!! SMALL CIRCLES!! BARE YOUR TEETH LIKE A REAL AMERICAN"

another alarm at 10 o'clock when you should be FIRMLY tucked in

You know how kids pretend their bed is like a fortress or a castle they need to protect? I think he's like that but for real

You will be getting aggressively tucked in and kissed on the forehead

"GOODNIGHT CUPCAKE!!!!!!!!!!!"

He's okay with cuddling or not, but it's very black and white. Either he is beside you, stiff as a board, or wrapped around you leaving no possible escape

Either way, he doesn't move much in his sleep

Snores. Loudly. :(

Also wakes up at the asscrack of dawn, so look forward to that

💥 Demoman 💥

For pajamas, he wears a t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, very comfy

He likes being involved and helping with your routine if he can, like fixing you tea to drink together or brushing your hair for you

He'll shower you in compliments! YOU ARE SO STINKIN' CUTE LAD/LASS

Of course, there are plenty of nights when he is entirely too drunk to go through his routine

You can try to lug him to the bathroom and help him brush his teeth, but he is gonna be laughing and leaning on you, making it very difficult

The cuddling he likes is like. One of you is just a blanket for the other one

He really doesn't mind whether its him or you on top, he just likes it ok. It's nice when you're on top because he can rub his hands over your back

If he's drunk, he may be exhausted but he will still be yapping for a good 15 minutes

Sober demo: gentle, soothing cuddles :]

Drunk demo: vice grip you are never fucking escaping

Also lots of kisses on your face, drunk or sober

Thank you for the request! I hope you like it :]

[andradaveselu]

hudda hudda hudda

don't trust these eyes

[andradaveselu]

Blowing a kiss to Johnny “Soap” MacTavish is like pulling the pin on a glitter grenade—you never know where the spark’s gonna land.

It’s always a gamble.

You think you’re being cute.

You think he’ll catch it with a wink, maybe tap his heart like a gentleman.

One moment he’s beaming, catching it mid-air with dramatic flair like it’s a bloody dove, eyes glinting like he’s just intercepted enemy comms. Smacking it dramatically onto his chest with a proud “Ach! Right in the ticker! you spoil me, bonnie.” he’ll murmur, staggering backward like you just shot him with a Cupid .50 cal.

The crowd swoons. Children cheer. Birds sing.

The next time?

Public place. Full squad around. Briefing room. You blow that kiss and he catches it with two hands… locks eyes with you… then—with full confidence and zero shame—plants it straight on his crotch. Smack. Hands on his hips. Grinning like a menace. “That’s where I felt it, lass. Don’t lie.”

Everyone turns.

Gaz groans. Ghost doesn’t even look up. Alejandro claps. And Price? He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, and mutters, “For the love of bloody God, Soap…”

Soap just winks at you across the room like he did you a favor.

It’s 50/50 chaos. You blow that kiss, you’re playing Russian Roulette with your dignity.

[andradaveselu]

Blowing a kiss to Johnny “Soap” MacTavish is like pulling the pin on a glitter grenade—you never know where the spark’s gonna land.

It’s always a gamble.

You think you’re being cute.

You think he’ll catch it with a wink, maybe tap his heart like a gentleman.

One moment he’s beaming, catching it mid-air with dramatic flair like it’s a bloody dove, eyes glinting like he’s just intercepted enemy comms. Smacking it dramatically onto his chest with a proud “Ach! Right in the ticker! you spoil me, bonnie.” he’ll murmur, staggering backward like you just shot him with a Cupid .50 cal.

The crowd swoons. Children cheer. Birds sing.

The next time?

Public place. Full squad around. Briefing room. You blow that kiss and he catches it with two hands… locks eyes with you… then—with full confidence and zero shame—plants it straight on his crotch. Smack. Hands on his hips. Grinning like a menace. “That’s where I felt it, lass. Don’t lie.”

Everyone turns.

Gaz groans. Ghost doesn’t even look up. Alejandro claps. And Price? He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose, and mutters, “For the love of bloody God, Soap…”

Soap just winks at you across the room like he did you a favor.

It’s 50/50 chaos. You blow that kiss, you’re playing Russian Roulette with your dignity.

[andradaveselu]

Good day my fellow tf2 enjoyer! Looks like im back again with another request. 👀🌈

Mercs reacting to "would you still love me if i was a worm?" 🥺❤️‍🔥

You are free to ignore me, but thank you again for indulging in my shenanigans 🫶

You have no idea how equipped I am to answer this request. I am not joking when I say I know exactly what to do. So sorry for the wait!

Hope you enjoy

The early bird gets the worm

Scout:

-Absolutely no hesitation "yeah, sure, why not?"

-It's like you asked him if he wanted to go to McDonald's. You could think he wasn't listening to you

-But then if you ask him what you said, he recites it word for word

-Pop quiz nobody knew he was prepared for

Soldier:

-You're kidding, right? The only thing that could make him not love you is if you were a communist

-Bro doesn't give a singular fuck outside of that. You could turn into a lamp for all he cares, and he'd lug you around wherever he goes

-He honestly doesn't give it much thought either. Some things are just simple facts. The sky is blue, snow is cold, honey bees pollinate, and he loves you. That's just how the world works

Pyro:

-Stares at you for a long moment. They're completely unreadable for a moment

-Muffled speech that sounds vaguely like "you're not going to start eating dirt, are you?"

-Yes, they would still love you, but they're mildly concerned now, believe it or not. Do you want to be a worm? What's going on here?

Demoman:

-Doesn't even process what you said at first. It's not that he doesn't understand or is too drunk. It's just that your question came WAYYYY out of left feild

-"Uh? Probably? I mean, you're still you, even if you can't show it, right?"

-Probably lies awake at night, wondering wtf possessed you to ask that

Heavy:

-Sandvich eating has been paused. He just kinda stops working for a second

-The look on your face tells him it was a genuine question, so he just sets his bewilderment aside and says yes

-He's not really sure why you asked that question, but something in his could sense it would affect your self-esteem in some way, and he'd rather die than hurt your feelings

Engineer:

-He actually knows what this is about, surprisingly. Bro's got more PhDs than most people have digits in their bank account. Did you really think how wouldn't immediately guess?

-He just hugs you like "I love you for who you are on the inside. I couldn't care less what you look like"

-Yeah, you're getting pampered for the rest of the day. He's not gonna let you be insecure. He's gonna do everything he can to make sure you love yourself as much as he loves you

Medic:

-Psych evaluation immediately (hypocrite)

-Once it finally clicks, he looks at you with an expression somewhere between pity and empathy. Now you simply have to tell him who made you think he wouldn't

-The next day, he's showing you these cool new organs that definitely don't belong to the last person who made you feel like you didn't deserve everything good

Sniper:

-Immediate and not ironic "yes." That's it. He knows what's going on cuz lowkey he would've asked the same thing if he didn't think he'd sound dumb

-Might not be super expressive, but you can tell he really cares and knows exactly how you feel. That's a big thing about being in a relationship with him, silent understanding

-He probably wakes up a little earlier than usual to make you a nice breakfast you haven't had in a while. He knows it's not directly related, but he wants to show you he values you so so so much

Spy:

-Doesn't understand whatsoever and refuses to answer

-Engie tells him what's up and suddenly Spy feels like a complete and total dipshit. He doesn't go find you immediately, however

-He waits because he has to set something up. A nice little private dinner for the two of you, fine wine, and an apology cheesier than France in the middle ages

[andradaveselu]

Just finished cooking, the kitchen is a mess...

How would the mercs react to reader cooking them their favourite dish, but destroying the kitchen in the process.

Reader, presenting Heavy with a sandwich: ☺️

Heavy, lookin at the mess around them: ...how?

And would they help with the clean up or leave reader to deal with the mess they created (im looking at you Spy 👀) .

I know you take more time to write headcanons for all the mercs so take your time and have fun, no rush❤️‍🔥. Take care!

Yes, this sounds so funny!

I hope you enjoy!

Disaster area

Scout:

-I honestly think he wouldn't mind the mess much as long as you understand you have to clean it up

-We know his mother raised him to be at least somewhat respectful, so he'd probably help you once he gets done eating

-Forehesd kiss because he understands little rewards help reinforce good habits. He may not be book smart, but there's random little things like that which he understands

Soldier:

-He may be the perfect stereotype of someone who would mindlessly leave messes everywhere, but let's be so real. He wanted to join the military, bro knows how to keep a clean space. Very house husband material

-Probably helps you clean before he eats, but will drop compliments throughout the meal

-Probably washes his dishes himself so he can make sure everything is in perfect condition

Pyro:

-Happy cheering when presented with their favorite dish

-They would most likely take the meal to their room or something cuz people seeing them with their mask off is a big no

-There's like a 50/50 chance they'll help you clean. They might get distracted by something, so don't take it personally if you're left alone to clean the kitchen

Demoman:

-🧍

-Thanks you for the food, but is absolutely flabbergasted that you were able to make that big of a mess

-Definitely helps you clean up, partially because he can't stand the kitchen being in that much disarray. He doesn't need it to be spotless, but this is rediculous

-Probably teaches you how to keep clean while cooking

Heavy:

-He's standing there thinking "what the hell happened here"

-Very happy to chow down on a sandvich but cannot understand how something that doesn't require cooking can result in such a mess

-Your next few times in the kitchen are supervised, I'm sorry

Engineer:

-The mess doesn't bother him too much. If you're not eating, he'll tell you that he'll help you once he's done if you go ahead and get started

-Probably tells you how much he liked your cooking while he wipes down the counters or something

-Over all, it's not his responsibility, and the level of help depends on how tired he is

Medic:

-The food can wait. That kitchen is getting cleaned this instant. He's as almost acting OCD about it. Will not rest until the kitchen is back the way it was before

-Then he can relax and eat. Enjoys the food, regardless of if it had time to get cold or not

-Quick hug and kiss on the cheek as a thank you. The dirty kitchen is a thing of the past and he has already thought of several ways to prevent such a mess again

Sniper:

-Doesn't show much on the outside, but in his head, he's kicking his feet like a teenage girl calling her crush

-Doesn't help clean much since he can be comfortable in a bit of mess, but this is more than a bit

-Probably says a quick thanks, but his appreciation is shown by a small trinket being left at your door while you're chilling in your room

Spy:

-Don't let him see that mess. Let him eat and you clean like your life depends on it

-If he sees that mess, he'll likely give you a bit of a judgemental look and walk away without another word

-Feels bad later and thanks you for cooking for him. He knows you didn't need to, so why does he get to judge?

[andradaveselu]

Idk about you, but i think Pyro would love Babymetal ❤️‍🔥

[andradaveselu]

the thing is that childhood doesn't just end when you turn 18 or when you turn 21. it's going to end dozens of times over. your childhood pet will die. actors you loved in movies you watched as a kid will die. your grandparents will die, and then your parents will die. it's going to end dozens and dozens of times and all you can do is let it. all you can do is stand in the middle of the grocery store and stare at freezers full of microwave pizza because you've suddenly been seized by the memory of what it felt like to have a pizza party on the last day of school before summer break. which is another ending in and of itself

[andradaveselu]

Hello again! Its summer and its hot af in here.

What do you think mercs do on summer vacantion?

Thank you for writing cute scenarios and putting up with all my requests ❤️‍🔥!

This sounds so fun! I'm going to do regular headcanons, so let me know if you want an x reader edition! 99% of this is written in the context of them going to a beach citizens never visit cuz why not

I hope you enjoy!

Walkin' on sunshine

Scout:

-Absolutely wears those tank tops with the gigantic arm holes that go all the way down and those tiny fuckin jorts they had in the 70s

-He's in his twink era, okay? /hj

-Drinks a lot of gatorade, probably the orange flavor since the company only had that and lemon lime for like 20 years

-Backwards ball cap season babyyyyyy

-He's staying waist deep in the water and looking to cause chaos

-This is also when acts more like a fuckboy, but he's more respectful about it than you would think

Soldier:

-Dear god, his chaos is about to go nuclear. Keep him and Scout separated by any means necessary, or something insane will happen

-Only the biggest splashes when doing canonballs

-Pesters Engie to grill burgers, but he doesn't have to try very hard. Something was bound to get grilled, might as well be burgers

-Definitely the type to pick people up and throw them further into the water just to mess with them

-Restrain this man or every type of water hijinks will ensue

-He's the one to drag everyone into a game of volleyball

Pyro:

-Still not taking off the mask. At best, they'll switch the suit out for a full body wetsuit. They don't need goggles, the mask works just fine

-Shell collecting ho

-Probably shows the team pretty shells and little creatures they find. Would probably stick near Sniper while looking for little creatures for obvious reason

-Probably doesn't go further into the water than thigh height unless they're joining some water game or looking at fish

-Befriends a shark somehow

Demoman:

-More likely to chill in a beach chair or on a towel while drinking and listening to music on the radio

-Plain red swim trunks no shirt ftw 💪

-Probably chats with Engie or Heavy most of the time

-Might join in on water games if he's feeling energetic

-Honestly, he's happy to soak up the sun with a refreshment in hand

-Loves to sit back and watch the chaos going on in and around the water

Heavy:

-Grilling with Engie. Together, they make a feast fit for kings

-He'd probably swim for a little, most likely just floating around and enjoying the cold water

-Probably the one to keep Soldier in line

-He's also the one who makes sure everyone is wearing sunscreen, regardless of what they say. Nobody has a choice. He's not letting you have even a chance of getting skin cancer

-I think we already know this, but... Mom of the group. He's not overbearing about it, but he will be enforcing every beach safety safety rule that exists for a good reason

-pyro get awAY FROM THAT SHARK-

Engineer:

-Really appreciates Heavy helping him with the food. They're probably taking turns at the grill, if I'm being honest

-Chills with Demoman for the most part. Beer, music, and a buddy is a simple pleasure in life he can always appreciate

-Has control of the radio

-Able to get out of the volleyball game because "4 against five isn't fair"

-Cheeky little shrug if anyone calls him out on using excuses to keep chilling while the others have to play volleyball. Not all of them are upset, but he has to tell a couple of them "sorry, but you shoulda been faster"

Medic:

-Leave him the hell alone. He is off the clock. "Your injuries are your problem unless they are really bizarre and interesting"

-Happy for the most part, as long as people leave him to his own devices. Yes, he loves his whole doctor thing he has going on, but everyone needs a break from their interest every now and then

-Probably sticks near Spy, let's be so fuckin fr

-Shhh, the girls are gossiping

-Might get in the water, might not. Depends on how he feels and how annoying the team is that day. Definitely has a lil intertube and has a nice lil fruity drink nobody knows the source of

-Bro looks so good in sunglasses, and I will die on this hill. Out of everyone there, he probably has the best beach appearance. Beefy man, sunglasses, and getting a nice tan. This is probably when everyone realizes he was practically made for the beach

Sniper:

-He's just kinda minding his business to be honest

-Happy to hang with Pyro and look at shells and animals. "That's a real cool shell, buddy. Maybe you can take it home and make a necklace with it"

-Ends up receiving and almost cries

-He's basically that one chill uncle who doesn't talk to anyone but clearly thrives in family settings

-Probably doesn't swim, but will wade around in the water for a while

-Actually one of the best volleyball players, if not the best out of everyone on the team. Dude has an absolutely diabolical spike

-Honestly just kinda waiting for the food. Mans about to chow tf down. He's that skinny cuz of his metabolism, not cuz he doesn't eat as much

Spy:

-Another one who wants to be left alone

-Doesn't mind lightheartedly talking shit with Medic. They're the original inspiration for the petty high school girl trope in movies

-The bitchy aunt who also verbally destroys people who pick on his family

-Most likely not swimming, he's too girlypop for that

-Just let him get a tan everywhere except his face, okay?

-Pretends like he's too good for burgers, but he's like Squidward with that shit. Spy and Scout = Squidward and Spongebob in that one episode

-There's a reason all of them start with S, after all

[andradaveselu]

I MAY BE A DAY LATE BUT I’LL NEVER BE A DOLLAR SHORT. SITUATIONS TO PUT THE BLU TEAM IN THAT WOULD LEAD TO THE SLOPPIEST SEX IMAGINABLE.

scout: scout isn’t easy to sex up on a good day. which means he needs to have a great day. and it needs to seem like it was all his doing. the biggest hurdle for this is battle. it is a requirement that he needs to have a good day on the field, or he won’t be able to get it up. if he dies more than five times, it’s off the table. your best bet is to pay off the red team (or ask very, very nicely) to give the kid a break. if you can succeed on this, scout takes care of the rest. he’ll be in great spirits. he’ll invite you out. put on your prettiest clothes, go with him, and listen. intently. the second biggest hurdle is gassing up his ego without making it seem like there are ulterior motives. you are smooth talking him out of his clothes. he needs to feel confident enough to kiss you come the end of it. let nature take its course from there.

soldier: soldier is unarguably the easiest, but it helps if you have a good grasp on the american english language. because you can just let him know exactly how you want him. and if he likes you, he’s gonna do it. but the more detailed you can get, the more into it he’s gonna be. tell him you want him to corner you in the deepest corners of the base. tell him you’ll meet him in the ac vents. tell him you’re going on a date and you want him to come and ruin it. tell him to take a fucking shower and tie himself to the bed in a pair of silk blue panties and frilly socks. let him gnash his teeth until the time comes to see you. because he will ask why he can’t take you now.

pyro: pyro is a dog. loyal, steadfast, a little stupid, but always eager to please. and pyro loves to roleplay. do you want to play house? you want to play cops and robbers? they guess you could be a sexy nurse, but if the doctor found out you both would probably get an earful. but if you’re into that, then they can play along. anything that even further removes pyro from the reality they live in, while also hard hitting pyro’s brain with so much dopamine they are actively tweaking, no dope necessary, will get pyro enthusiastically involved. you can really just start throwing scenarios at the wall and see what sticks. don’t get too carried away.

demo: demo would never use this word for himself, but it is still a very accurate term. demo is a gentleman. you already have to know that he’s not going to have sex with you drunk. and you’re going to use this against him. this is also a prime method to get the man sober if you can keep up with him and his bad attitude when he is. you’re going to tell him every day you want to have sex. then you’re going to come up missing for the rest of the day. when you see him again tomorrow, apologize (you are going to have to damn near grovel, he’s going to be upset. he hates being stood up) and set another time for that day. keep track of how many times you do this, you can get away with it no more than five times before you have permanently landed yourself on his shit list. and that number can change if you aren’t putting everything into your apologies. when he is almost completely disregarding your apologies, even as you cling to his feet, you’re gonna go wait for him in his room. ass naked. he cannot mistake what you are in his room for. and he will thank the gods.

heavy: if you’re already fucking this guy, this is going to be a lot easier to do. just ignore him. leave rooms when he enters, don’t speak to him, don’t look in his direction, he is nothing and he doesn’t exist. heavy will not think about this until you’re about a month in and he realizes that you two haven’t shared a single word with each other. you will not let up on this, though, because surrendering now will just give him what he wants. stay alert, and keep ignoring him. even as he approaches you in public. don’t interact with him. interacting with him in public is losing. there will be a day. when you enter your room, and he is in there, and there is nowhere to go. and he’s going to sound madder than he is. he is desperate to know what he did. and why you won’t look at him. and why you won’t speak to him. and what he can do to set things right. and all you have to do is let him know.

engineer: if you get this man drunk enough and on a dance floor— any dance floor; you are getting back in that vehicle to sloppy toppy. but he’s gotta be drunk, and the music has to be lively. if it is not lively, he will make it lively. and he needs drinks to do that. monitor that, by the way, if he’s too drunk he might just end up vomiting on you, and you’re not getting anything. cut him off by five alcoholic beverages, he can have a pickleback with a quarter of a shot of jameson as a treat if he’s able to keep his wits about him. and when he is in a place that raises his energy, raises his mood, makes him feel good about himself, he’s ready to make anyone feel even better.

medic: this man would be the only man who this can be pulled on and it work. argue with this man. all the time. every day. slick remarks under your breath, and when he asks you what you said (and he knows what you said), deny it. deny it until he doesn’t even bother to ask you anymore. and don’t let up. the questions become irritated groans, and nasty stares. test his patience, and grate his nerves. then invite him out for dinner. be normal until you get your appetizer. then kick it into the highest gear imaginable. start an argument in the restaurant. the doctor cannot stand to be embarrassed in public. you may not make it to the entree before he snatches you out of your seat and drags you from the restaurant, throwing cash on the table. you think you’re just so smart. he is going to fix that. he doesn’t realize this was the end goal.

sniper: sniper gets so incredibly desperate when his off days get close. he enjoys his job, don’t get him wrong, but those days off are a gift. at that point, it’s really about being the first person he lays eyes on that he has a connection with. and it is better if he knows you. he can skip the small talk. if you force it, he’ll have it; it is very lackluster. yep, it’s his day off, he’s really happy to have it; did you say you had your own apartment again? was that you? oh, it was? perfect. and the greatest part is, sniper frequents the same five places. the man doesn’t deviate from his off day routine. if you want to find him, you can absolutely do that. just don’t tell him you went out of your way to find him. it’ll creep him out. but he will be so ready to experience his infrequent days off that he will not bat an eye at an “oh my god, i didn’t expect to see you here!”

spy: spy is arguably the easiest one, if he likes you. and if he doesn’t, good luck. join him on a solo contract. he doesn’t get them as often as his counterpart does, but he does get them. if you’re an asset, he’ll let you join him inside. otherwise, you wait in the car with the doors locked until you hear the knocking on the door. you need to get inside and you need to get blood on your hands. you have to show that you are a force to be reckoned with. and that him having you is better than whatever he currently has going on. you are any percent no hit running this contract. if you are injured, this will not work. and do not go for the intel. you will bring attention to his position, and then he’s really not fucking you. this contract must be completed without so much as a hitch. if you are a being born of violence, don’t worry if you get lost in the blood sauce. just keep killing people. he’ll come to collect you. and, if you are unharmed, and causing mass damage, he will be thoroughly impressed. he won’t split the money with you, but he’ll give you what you want.