ansop - Tumblr blog

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I used to be so hard on myself for not getting more done. This was especially true when I was still an engineer- but amongst the hours of meetings and interviews and planning I did, it was more of a miracle that I was getting so much done. Let’s be kind to ourselves! What other factors are contributing to our productivity, our energy, and our time? Only when we’re more reasonable with ourselves, can we adjust how much we can actually get done, and then accomplish things without guilt.

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Webtoon  

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Rest in power, Andre Braugher (1962-2023)

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FRIENDS in COLOURS Chandler Bing

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Alexander Gabriel Claremont-Diaz, Chaotic Bisexual ™ .

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chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be kinder to yourself. be gentler with your bodymind.

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Music in Film: Red, White & Royal Blue (2023) dir. Matthew Lopez

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Idk man, there's something about struggling half of your life with adulting, thinking a therapist would say your problems are not worth their time, only to realize that you can't compare yourself to the average person because you've been struggling with depression and anxiety all this time.

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Re: Bad metaphors about maps Henry <hwales@kensingtonemail.com> 9/25/20 6:07 AM to A From Jean Cocteau to Jean Marais, 1939: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having saved me. I was drowning and you threw yourself into the water without hesitation, without a backward look.

This email is supposed to feel heavy–Henry doesn’t have any of his own words for this. (from Casey McQuiston's annotations)

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the real otp commits to all four.

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What Auditory Processing overstimulation sounds like for those with Sensory Processing Disorder

Source ~ TikTok open_future_learning

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An uncomplete list of smells I'm sensitive to:

milk products (esp cheese) in the supermarket

meat smell in the supermarket

frying fat in bakeries

fragrances/perfumes I'm allergic to (or are generally too intense)

rice while getting cooked

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Happy Bi Visibility Day! 🩷💜💙

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lord have mercy jesus christ…the love scene

i can barely write about this scene without tears pouring down my face. it’s beyond intimacy.

frame by frame. magic.

usually all of their touching and tracing is leading somewhere, but in this singular moment, they're just admiring each other. henry is taking his time and alex is leveling all of the air in the room into the most delicate, pointed gaze. there is so much love in that one look. the way henry looks back is so sweet; the most affectionate smile playing at his lips.

alex's breath hitches a bit when henry's hand reaches his heart; and he bursts into the most gorgeous smile.

alex's affinity for bracing his hands against henry's back and waist is beautiful. the way he molds his fingers to every curve of his body. henry going straight for the hair; bracing his grip to the back of alex's neck.

alex never takes his eyes off of henry. not once. he's doing so much with that one look; asking, testing, falling, following. letting henry take the lead. they're saying everything to one another without uttering a single word. in the book, it talks about the tiniest of nods that henry does when they're together, and how alex is the one that notices them and knows what they mean -- i love seeing it here.

this is new for the both of them in different ways. their very own "first time." and you'd think that something this exposed would come with a sense of fear from either of them, but that's not what you find in their eyes. there's wonder, curiosity, love, and even a bit of timidness and caution, but no fear. they're so open and willing with one another. giving all of themselves without hesitation.

& hesitation is a big thing for henry because that's all he's ever done. but here, with his alex, he doesn't have to hold anything back.

their synced exhale, henry's whisper of a smile, the way his teeth graze his bottom lip, licking his lips. alex in absolute awe of him.

the emotional nakedness here is...more intimate than the sex itself. they're both discovering so much about each other in these lines. alex releasing every inhibition and assumption. his words are breathy and loose, like he found it impossible to hold his tongue. like the look in henry's eyes alone is drawing out the very core of his heart. and in this moment, he's realizing that part of his heart is henry now.

& henry. delicate, precious henry. for a boy so filled with passionate, poetic soliloquies, he stripped himself bare with three words. so much about this masterpiece of a boy has to be kept hidden, and this gives everyone around him the ability to make up their preferred versions. he can barely let anyone in.

but here, where for a moment, it's safe, he's letting alex know in just three, life-altering words that alex has all of him. this is everything that he is. and sweet alex takes on every inch, never looking away.

this kiss is where the tears started coming down hard.

the two of them express a very equal amount of love in two stunningly distinct ways. alex's is very pointed, henry's is incredibly rounded. (ill touch on it in another analysis). alex anchors them, henry surrounds them. they literally created their own yin&yang. they crafted their own harmony. it's madness. beautiful, beautiful madness.

you can see alex's pointed focus here in the way he kisses henry. it's direct & unfettered & insatiable. henry's rounder edges are featherlight. his jaw is relaxed, his lips are soft & loose. his eyes are fluttered closed, like he's sleeping.

he's safe enough here to kiss alex softly.

...& that's why i bawled my eyes out.

this got me too.

they're taking their time to trace eachother; learn each other. there's some subconscious part of henry that doesn't feel as secure as he is in this moment, and you can see that in the clutch of his fist.

alex opens it; and he laces them together. it's so easy to get lost in a moment like this, but alex is so intentional and attentive to detail that he takes the time to loosen and anchor every inch of henry. he doesn't leave a single piece of him apprehensive or locked up.

henry’s fingers kneading alex’s shoulder. the way alex runs his hand along henry’s arm & the bend of his waist. alex's grip covering henry's hand as he threads it into his hair. holding it there, keeping them steady. stay.

their touches don’t beg, they take, & the other gives — whatever & however much they’re craving from one another. they want so much of each other. & they have all the time in the world. it’s just them.

they’re both so blissed-out & lost in each other here. there’s nobody else in the world. euphoric in its nature, concrete in its beauty.

the slight tremor in alex’s lower lip, the way his lips gently brush henry's brow. henry’s mouth falling open, eyes flitted closed. it’s all so skin-to-skin. neither of them knows where the other ends and they begin.

the meticulous release in the flex of henry’s hand. he can feel alex, & his feelings for alex in every nerve, every bone, down to the arched tips of his fingers.

it’s tender & gentle & warm & i’m going to bawl my eyes out. help. 

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Alex, about Henry ♡

Henry, about Alex

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first things first: my boys are so touchy & affectionate with each other & it's the cutest, most adorable thing on planet earth.

i die.

moving on...

sweet alex, he’s all heart. prattling along, just as happy as he can be. 

it’s integral to watch our sunshine boy in this scene. 

the book & film are both from alex’s perspective, but there’s one thing that we’re afforded between the pages that doesn’t fully make it on screen — his emotional & cognitive layers. & that’s not anybody’s fault & it doesn’t make the film any less incredible, that’s just how adaptations occur sometimes. you can’t translate everything on screen & honestly, that’s the way it should be. some things can just stay in the written story.

tzp did a marvelous job of pulling some of those pieces from the story & threading them into alex’s movements, expressions, & actions. he gave us everything that he could & he did it phenomenally. i can’t imagine anyone else being our alex. i can’t get over how perfectly he was casted.

all this to reiterate, it’s so key to watch alex here.

we get to see some of his layers. he goes from playful, to pensive, to deeply sincere — “i’ve never felt this way about anyone” — & from there, he shifts into an incredibly exposed emotional space & you see him gather himself, working through his words & trying to share his heart in the most fluent way he can.

“it’s like there’s a rope attached to my chest & it keeps pulling me towards you.”

there’s never been a moment in his life where can’t share exactly how he feels. he’s always been free to do so. for alex, there was never a question about if he’d tell henry, the question was what he’d tell henry, & once he solved the what, he could proceed with the when. 

his mom asked if he felt ‘forever’ about henry & he didn’t consciously know at the time. (i’m a firm believer in the fact that they’ve been in love all along but that’s not the topic right now.) he watches henry in the bar & that’s where he figures it out. the next step is to tell him. point a to b. no detours. 

“& it feels so right”

all heart, all the time. our sunshine boy.

i don’t see fear here, i rarely do in alex, but i do see timidity. so with our eyes on him in this scene, we watch him waffle through his words, barreling toward the inevitable.

he stays in physical contact with henry the entire time — running his hands along his forearm, tangling their fingers together, tracing circles on henry’s wrist & back. i think he needs it here just as much as he wants it.

the most that alex has ever discovered & understood about himself has been through touching henry. he knows himself best when he’s skin-to-skin with the man he loves.

this moment cannot be any different.

—- “what i mean to say is, henry, i—“ 

i’d give anything to hear it come out of his mouth fully here. i want to know how it sounds under the texas sun — someplace as bright & warm as he is.

alex has never had to fear his own heart; even in the moments where he wasn't sure where it was going. after the NYE kiss, he went to nora to grapple with his feelings & he tried to talk to henry about it, but he never, ever shied away from how he felt. he wasn't raised to. following that giant, gorgeous heart is in his nature. he's always been encouraged to be exactly who he is.

the same cannot be said for our prince.

our mythic, beautiful boy. he literally looks like he's crumbling here. mournful, finite cracks in his glistening, alabaster stone. an absolute masterpiece withered by expectation, tainted legacies, hopeless hopes, & crippling fears.

he has to shy away. he doesn't believe or even entertain the idea that he might have a choice. to be so in love, but so trapped that your love can tangle its roots into the earth, but never bloom.

distance & longing take up far too much space in those stunning hazel eyes. it's all too much for him here. no fight or fawn, just freeze and flight. he did it all in expression: from pure bliss, to the dawn of fear, to desperate wanting, to heartbreak, to retreat. (nicholas galitzine, you wonderfully gifted creature)

in our prince’s head, it doesn’t matter how bad he wants to hear the words. it doesn’t matter if he’s loved alex & wanted alex all this time. his heart — their hearts — are of no consequence to the trajectory of their lives. & so, despite all this time; despite everything that’s passed between them in the past year — the firsts & the tender moments, the texts, calls, & emails, the falling in love — henry does the one thing he’s always had to do, lock himself up & run away. just like he did on new year’s eve.

alex has spent a year working him loose; making him feel as free & loved & authentic as he possibly can. he’s kneaded every tight curve, massaged every tensioned inch. & henry has put in the same amount of work learning to allow himself to be cared for. for someone to see his bright places, his passions, his wittiness, tenacity, & sparks.

our boys have grown so much & yet sadly, in a moment, terror bends henry back into an ill -fitting place.

the progress isn’t lost, just tucked away. fear is one hell of a keeper.

& you see him dressed up again in his suit. ramrod straight, prim & proper, the closed-off prince of england’s hearts that climbed out of his car to meet alex at kensington a year ago. a man of few words & little feeling. because there’s too much risk in feeling. feeling leads you to a dock in the middle of the lake in texas, listening to the man you love willing & ready to love you back, but you can’t be overjoyed — because you’re terrified.

grab your tissues, kids. im sure as hell grabbing mine.

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Red, White, & Royal Blue + Heartstopper title cards