baileylockheart - Tumblr blog

[baileylockheart]

the 'having a fun little daydream world as a child' to "i rely so much upon escapism to escape from the monotony of life that days seem to pass too quickly and sometimes i don't feel real" pipeline

[baileylockheart]

My personal brand of chaotic academia:

Messy handwriting and hands that cramp from writing too long, but have no problems with typing

Three different notes apps with specific and set purposes

Enjoying classical literature, but mainly the children's books, and only owning the cheap paperbacks

Speed reading articles in the browser on your Nintendo switch

Shirts that look like a button up layered with a sweater vest but are actually only one piece

Printing and binding fanfictions for personal collection, never to be shown or sold to anyone else

Having four or five different diaries, all incomplete and all from different times

Not having immediate access to a library, but having an epub reader to cope

Iced chai tea lattes with way too much sugar

Painstakingly learning the "right" way to do something, only to do it your way instead

Preferring songwriting and lyricism to other forms of poetry

Looking up the required texts for a college course and getting them, but not actually enrolling in said college course

Having a bookshelf full of books, some you've read and some that you haven't, and there's also a microscope on there somewhere

A laptop from 2018 that gets a little too warm on the bottom

Collecting notebooks but being nervous to start any of them because you used to rip out pages when you decided to do something new with your notebooks

Having a little cactus because it's the only plant you know you won't kill by accident

Watching video essays about games and shows you've never played/watched

Preferring to learn HOW to do something rather than only learning the history of it but never the process

Citing a reuploaded twitch vod in an essay

Feeling neutral about classical music, not hating it but not seeking it out, but still giggling a little bit at Haydn's Symphony No. 94

Writing a ten page essay about a fictional character that was introduced one episode ago and you know nothing about

A very extensive notion layout and even more extensive file organization

Getting the small binder and paper used to make bullet journals, and carrying that around with you, since you can add and remove pages as you please

Knowing bits and pieces of lots of languages but not being fluent in any of them

[baileylockheart]

an intense hatred of capitalism vs an intense love of trinkets

[baileylockheart]

Decided to have a wee look over to BNHA since I've not actually heard anything from it for a while although I know it should be ending fairly soon and oh boy Deku is not doing well huh

[baileylockheart]

the day i get rid of my crazy fear of failure and my procrastination, it will be over for you all.

[baileylockheart]

NOT APOLOGIZING FOR WHO IM GONNA BECOME ON MAY 31.

[baileylockheart]

[Ski Manager]

Stray Kids 4TH FANMEETING ' 𝑺𝑲𝒁 ' 𝑺 𝑴𝑨𝑮𝑰𝑪 𝑺𝑪𝑯𝑶𝑶𝑳 ' First day ends 🪄

Stay, let's go together further and higher 〰️💗

[baileylockheart]

does anyone else use vscode for normal writing too? 😭 like I have a little folder of txt documents and I use vscode to write in them :') mine uses a dark mode theme and opendyslexic, so it's generally easier for me to look at for long periods of time, and I have a little bongocat in the bottom, so it's just more fun 😭😭 sometimes I'll also make it an html document PURELY bc it turns the text pink for me 💀

[baileylockheart]

[baileylockheart]

wow i sure do love rebuilding my entire site from the ground up to make it mobile compatible i totally dont want to rip my hair out this is fine!

[baileylockheart]

hold me (my love is sick) (always) let me go (it leaks and bleeds) (always) (all over me onto you) nobody warned me it'd hurt so bad (twisted thing) (something pretty for the ruin and the rot) loving again when i thought you had me (an end to you and me) i'd do anything anything anything (oh, my mistake) (you loved me) maybe i'm the fool for thinking i can still love someone else

[baileylockheart]

hihi! I wrote a song about Bang Chan ^-^ or well,, kind of for/at him if that makes sense? I wrote this song just after Stay day last year, since the idea kind of hit all at once :')

This is the demo for it, and I wanted to share it here! Music is something I really like and enjoy making, but I've only talked about it like once or twice on here before (^ ^;)

The full version of this song is a part of my first EP, which is out now on most platforms!

[baileylockheart]

Stuck.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm in a weird spot. I wish that I wanted to fall in love, but I don’t truly want that. I mean, it's still the fastest way to verbalize it, but what I think I really want is just... Emotional closeness and physical but non-sexual touch. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with someone. I want deep trust and communication and understanding without guilt or anxiety or fear of being abandoned, and I struggle to picture any of those things in a romantic way. But I've never really been close enough to my friends to see it platonically either, so I'm just stuck.

I feel the want to want someone, and I feel it strongly, but it's more like wanting a piece of a stranger’s soul and hoping they'll take mine, because I know full well I can't imagine anyone in my life that way, and I can't imagine myself being physically near anyone without feeling uncomfortable. It makes me sick to even try to picture myself in love, especially since I realized that I have never once loved a person (in that way). When I think about what I want, I can’t imagine any one person, so all I end up wanting is a stranger who, for all intents and purposes, doesn’t exist. I don’t want a perfect person by any means, that’s not what I mean when I say this. Rather, even if this person does exist, I don’t know them yet, but already knowing them is a vital part of how I picture them.

I call myself aego-demiromantic because it joins a truth and a hope. I mean, if I’m being honest, I’m probably just aego with a dash of cupio, but I'll deny it as long as I can. The truth, aego, is that I can't picture myself in anything romantic, and any attempts to make me uncomfortable, but looking at fiction and using OCs is easy. The hope, demi, is that the reason I don’t feel romantically pulled to anyone is because I haven’t met them yet, but I'll eventually meet someone and make friends with them. Actual, close friends, who are there for each other and aren’t afraid to talk to or even annoy each other. And after that, then maybe, just maybe, I might get a chance at really loving someone in the way that people mean when they say the word “love”. And maybe that's the point. I don't want to fall in love, but I want to love someone. I want someone to mean enough to me that I'm willing to actually let them see me. I want to be able to care about someone enough that I trust them to stay. I want to feel loved and fulfilled because they're in my life - not because they check boxes or because they carry out tasks, but because their presence in my life really means something.

The problem with that is, people who want to date? They want to date. From what I can see, especially in early stages, there is no hanging out at each other's houses and playing video games, there is no sitting in comfortable silence and knowing it's okay not to talk, there is no taking turns rambling about the things you’re passionate about, there is no getting to just exist together and feel good because you add to each other's lives intrinsically. People want outings, active social interaction, maybe something to brag about. And sure. Outings can be nice. But even then, from what I've observed, people aren't looking for a trip to an amusement park where you take turns picking out what to do and enjoy every minute, or going to Dave & Buster's and playing all the games as many times as you can manage, or hanging out at an empty playground while you blast music and pretend to know the names of the stars you're gazing at. No, people want an expensive dinner that you have to dress up for, maybe sex, and then a kiss goodnight as you walk away from each other because the interaction is now complete. A good morning text would be appreciated, but while no one wants to listen to long-winded rambles, everyone will be mad if you don’t text first.

I know that I’m oversimplifying this in a terrible sort of way - I’m framing romantic relationships extremely negatively, and even if I wasn’t, queerplatonic relationships exist. But the problem is that I don’t think that covers it for me. A non-romantic relationship that has a stronger bond than the best of friends? I would do anything for that, don’t get me wrong. I want that. But the non-romantic part doesn't always sit right with me. I think I want to love someone romantically - but I know that the obsessive nature of new romantic love, how quickly romantic relationships crumble, how deeply it seems to tie in with sex, the way people tie their entire identities to their romantic partner, and the way that it’s so easily exploited by everyone from said partner to their families to even the government, that I’d never be able to maintain it. I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it.

Still, that seems simple enough, yes? “I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it.” And yet, if you asked me five months ago, I would’ve gagged at the thought.

For as long as I can remember, I have had “crushes” from time to time, and by “crushes”, I mean hyperfixations on how people present themselves, but no deeper interest in any part of them that didn’t fit that image. Once I became aware of this, I realized that I’d never actually been romantically interested in a person before, I just didn’t know how else I could surround myself with my hyperfixation. The more I looked at love and relationships, the more I realized that I would absolutely hate being in one. The more love songs I listened to to try to counteract this, the more I felt like romantic love was damaging because clearly, if people feel this strongly, they must be so reliant on their partner that they can’t imagine existing as an individual. The general sentiment was, “why would I subject myself to this sort of mental anguish on purpose?” I couldn’t figure out why people would want to flood their brains with stress hormones and lose rational thought for someone who wouldn’t even treat them well. In my head, the relationships that worked out with all parties happy were a severe minority. Of course, if those involved were happy, I’d be ecstatic for them - it just wasn’t something I typically imagined happening. As much as I thought it was fun to pair up fictional characters, as much as I had reformed my ability to enjoy love songs, and as much I supported those around me who were happy in their relationships, I was genuinely disgusted by the idea of falling in love for myself.

That is, until about five months ago, when an argument with a parent led to the simple idea that I can’t express my thoughts on something that I haven’t experienced. That led to probably the most emotional week of my life, and the general consensus was that I’ll never be able to understand love or heartache unless I go through them firsthand. I hated that intensely. What do you mean? Are you trying to tell me I can’t empathize with my friend who’s trying to recover from a breakup? Are you saying I can’t get chills when I see someone tear up while singing about wanting to be in love again? How does that work?

Ever since then, I’ve been constantly in this loop of wanting to love someone more than anything but not wanting to touch romance in its current state with a ten foot pole. I wish it was as simple as “I want to love someone romantically, but I can’t bear the thought of it because of all the strings that are attached to it”, but the truth is that I can’t even tell if this yearning for the ability to yearn is really me, or just a fabrication borne out of spite. It hurts enough that I think it’s real, but I have no solid way to check. Do I want to want to fall in love, or am I pretending in an attempt to understand the world? I can’t tell, and that scares me.

If a stranger asked me if I want to fall in love someday and framed it as a yes or no question, I’d probably say yes. It’s the easy answer to cling to because it feels so much better and so right in comparison to just saying no, and it would also be far easier to deflect judgement that way. It seems like the default answer, right? And yet, I don’t think it’s true. I want to care about someone. I want to be close to someone. I want to love someone. Somehow, despite all of that, I feel like it would be disingenuous to claim that it’s because I want to fall in love, and even more so if I say it's because I have a lot of love to give. I have the capacity for it, I have to believe I do, but the amount of love sitting there and waiting for someone to find it is shallow at best because I don’t even know if it’s meant for a person or an idea that I made up to make myself feel better. Still, I think that how I phrased it in an old Threads comment actually explained it far more succinctly than this entire explanation of said comment ever could’ve.

“I wish I wanted to fall in love because as much as it would hurt, everything would make so much more sense that way”.

[baileylockheart]

I made a dreamwidth blog a while back and I liked it but I like tumblr better 😔 ik I use them for different things (specifically I use dreamwidth for things I want to say but don't particularly want input on, and I... don't really use tumblr that much (or at least not this acc yet) but when I do, I'm good with interaction) but I also feel like the dreamwidth blog is kinda pointless?? like the intro is cute, and there are some things I'd gladly copy-paste over to here, but aside from that, it's just kind of another link on my website but overall not doing much considering how little I use it😭 plus if I want to yell into the void and not be interacted with on here, I can just,,, not tag it and hope for the best?

I can't do it right this second but I think I'm gonna get rid of the dreamwidth blog after I grab a few of the posts and stick them over here :)

[baileylockheart]

I'm not a dry texter, but I'm a dry talker, does that make sense?? 😭 like I can hold a text convo as long as I can think of things to say, but sometimes the thoughts in my brain refuse to correlate with my mouth and I end up just being like "yeah" "mhm" "ooo" even though I'm ACTUALLY interested and want to engage more, but my mouth just can't communicate it

[baileylockheart]

I have a song I SHOULD be working on and I have some songs I WANT to be working on but I will be working on NONE OF THEM

[baileylockheart]

my executive dysfunction doesn't like me today 😭😭 or maybe it likes me too much