bewilderedapprehension

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i think this album is important, especially in contrast to lover, it shows that even when you’re at peace and happy that the ghosts from your past can still linger. i think it’s incredibly humanizing and comforting to know that it’s okay to feel sad when everything in your life seems fine. we’re allowed to have these emotions. we’re supposed to have these emotions.

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What 2020 is all about:

less: saying yes to people, things and events that are not good for your mental health, more: saying no, setting clear boundaries, walking away from toxic people, doing things and being with people that make your heart happy

less: working up to the point of a mental breakdown, neglecting yourself, more: taking time to recharge your batteries, taking breaks, investing in me-time and self-care

less: negative self talk, more: positive thoughts to remind yourself how amazing, beautiful and capable you are - remember that the way you talk to yourself matters

less: comparing yourself to the path of others, more: realising that you walk your own path, being proud of everything you are and everything you have achieved

less: doing things just because others say so, being afraid to show your true self, more: fully expressing yourself, choosing things because you - and no one else - want them

less: bottleing up your feelings, saying you are okay when you are not, hiding behind a mask, more: being open and honest about the way you feel, being vulnerable, knowing that is is okay not to be okay

less: being too hard on yourself when you have a bad day, more: letting yourself feel without judging every emotion, knowing that bad days are part of the process, being kinder to yourself

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Please don't be back

I could feel this coming on for a few weeks now. I was hoping I was just sick or over worked or homesick. But tonight I'm feeling like I'm back in the middle of the worst of it. I've cried for hours but I feel nothing. It's just tears and confusion. I don't know what to do. But I can't go back to that place. I can't be pulled back into it. I don't want this. I want my happy life. I like that life.

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I'm crying. I'm breaking down. I don't know if it's the fact that it's been a year since you left us officially and we all said goodbye. Or if that the moment I just had was the first time that it wasn't your name that floated through my brain. Or if that tomorrow I might fail at something and I just don't know how I can take it. Or maybe that I think of you all the time. Or it could be that I'm so mad at you I'm determined to prove you wrong and you don't even know it. Or maybe it's the fact that I just felt all of these emotions within 30 seconds and they are about so many different people. And that's what is all so overwhelming about this situation. Maybe that's it.

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The First Christmas

It wasn't until after everyone left today that I lost it. I thought about you on and off all day but tried to push the thoughts away. This first Christmas without you was hard. It was also the first time Papa had written a card and only signed his name, it took almost a year to get there. The year of firsts is almost done. 19 more days and it's been one year. One year since we got the final call to get to the hospital quickly. But today was hard. And seeing your Christmas ornament today is what finally broke me. I'll love you always. Merry Christmas Guga.

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I'm sorry my blog is all over and doesn't seem to have a theme anymore. But at the moment that's pretty similar to my life which is so random I don't know how to describe where I'm at or where I want to be.

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I really fucking hate my job.

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A ‘once-in-a-lifetime opportunity’ is irrelevant if it is the wrong opportunity.

Jim Collins, Good to Great

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Eating disorders are mental illnesses. In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. They are not a choice, they are not a lifestyle, they don’t only affect vain white girls who want to fit into skinny jeans. They don’t have to look a certain way. They’re not always about control. And men have eating disorders too.

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Everyone will tell you that moving will be hard, and it will. But no one will tell you that it’s moving home, to a place that no longer contains everything that word is supposed to mean, will be harder.

Thought Catalog, Here's What No One Tells You About Moving Abroad

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It’s so hard because I really want this but I know it would be the worst thing for me. 

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And tonight I sat in my kitchen for hours and read and blogged and it’s the most at peace I’ve been in a while.