chasingdarkrainbows - Tumblr blog

[chasingdarkrainbows]

"Are you ok?" I'm actually tired bro. From the bottom of my heart I'm tired

[chasingdarkrainbows]

[chasingdarkrainbows]

Albert Camus core

[chasingdarkrainbows]

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.

[chasingdarkrainbows]

that moment when you are crying at night while everyone is asleep, so you need to make sure you are quiet, slowly swallowing your screams and sobbing, and that feeling of suffocation... chest hurts too much.. can't take deep breaths.. is just like dying slowly.

[chasingdarkrainbows]

If I'm literally always the one causing the problems.

I'm the issue

I'm the equation everyone wants to zero out.

I'm the one nobody is gonna miss if they're gone.

Im the one that will literally have people dancing and pissing on my grave.

That's fine. But im not begging mf to stay. If you stay, that's YOUR fault at this point.

Just leave me the fuck alone or stop constantly telling me what a piece of shit I am.

I know

The world knows

I don't need a consistent, buzzing reminder.

[chasingdarkrainbows]

i wish i could tell everyone how bad im struggling 

[chasingdarkrainbows]

I wish I didn't ruin every good thing in my life. My eyes are red and sore and my heart is heavy with the fear of another struggle from bed in the morning to bed at night.

[chasingdarkrainbows]

Everytime I get comfortable enough to act how I feel I'm suddenly mean. Why am I not allowed to be monotone???? I shouldn't have to sugarcoat everything I say. I should be allowed to just look sad. I AM IN PAIN WHY CAN'T I SHOW IT??????????

[chasingdarkrainbows]

[chasingdarkrainbows]

do you ever felt scared to meet and befriend new people? like I don't want them to know me too much, I don't want to be too close to them... what if they noticed that my mind is a mess, that I'm so emotional unstable, what if they leave me, why if I just try to be myself and that creeps them out..

[chasingdarkrainbows]

I'm less and less interested in masking my mental illness for people anymore. My energy belongs to my recovery and my healing, not in pretending I'm okay for your comfort or your approval.

[chasingdarkrainbows]

the fact that we got so used to this is scary

A part of suicidal ideation or self harm no one talks about is the numbness to the subject that comes with it. I sit and scroll through pages and pages of cries for help, suicide notes and plans and feel nothing. No worry, no concern, no crushing feeling in my chest. Nothing. Those familiar feelings are now replaced with a strange familiarity, a kind of comfort that it’s not just me.

Fuck. When did it get to this

[chasingdarkrainbows]

I’m jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships… they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all. 

[chasingdarkrainbows]

everyone says “you can talk to me!” but they really just want to hear that you’re doing “good”, they don’t want to hear all the dark shit that’s really going on

[chasingdarkrainbows]

BPD Support Groups be like…

[chasingdarkrainbows]

The level of anonymity I have in the internet is strangely comforting? Like I’m out as asexual to all 500 strangers who follow me? But no one irl knows? And I just talk to strangers who seem cool? But can’t order a coffee by myself at Starbucks? Like nobody knows the shy girl from their math class is out here shitposting and making memes and I love that?

The version of myself I present to the internet is the truest version of myself, because nobody here holds any sway over me. I am limited by nobody’s expectations and it’s a powerful feeling.