crustfuckthethird

[crustfuckthethird]

how do people in relationships not get sick of each other? like how can you spend every minute of everyday together and not want to murder each other? sounds fake.

[crustfuckthethird]

My Experiences as a Raging Aroace

-My toy box was filled with baby dolls. I grew up imaging what being a mother would be like. I was to grow up, find a husband, and have children. That’s what you do. That’s life.

-In elementary school, I looked around at the playground for a boy who I could choose to be my crush, because all of my friends had crushes and I felt left out. I didn’t feel anything for him, but I wanted to be included.

-In middle school, never once did I “like” anyone. I told myself that 1) I was too focused on school for relationships 2) the guys at my school were too immature for me and 3) middle school relationships never last, so there’s no point in engaging

-In the seventh grade, a friend of mine (after I denied being bisexual and in love with one of my best friends) asked if I was asexual. I said no, I’m 12 (because how could you possibly know at such a young age?)

-After a human growth and development class at school, I laid down on my bed, telling myself that once I’m older, sex won’t be disgusting to me anymore. I was just a late bloomer, of course

-When I was 14, I became interested in a guy (for the first time!) and automatically assumed I wanted a romantic relationship with him (because what other option is there?)

-We dated for a few months. It was nice at first, but as time passed, he wanted to do more romantic-ish things, and I wasn’t interested at all (I kept assuming that eventually I would, so I kept waiting). I broke up with him after 3 months out of guilt (and bouts of depression). I felt like I was the worst person, the shittiest girlfriend (and I still feel bad for putting him through what I did).

-A few months later, I rediscovered the term “asexual”. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was me. I started identifying with it (in secret). It made me feel a little more sane, like there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I still assumed that I was straight, though.

-On June 1st, I came out to my friends on snapchat as asexual. No one really seemed to care, which was such a relief. I was so afraid of judgement from the people I cared about. I thought people would look at me differently. But that didn’t happen. I still didn’t come out to my family, though. I didn’t want to shatter their dreams of me giving them grandchildren

-About a month later, I reconnected with a guy friend who I met a while back. It became apparent that he was romantically interested in me. I thought about what I wanted in a relationship for a while. Then I stumbled upon the term “gray-romantic”. I decided that that fit me best. Because there was absolutely no way I could be aromantic. Not a possibility. I was still straight

-The guy friend and I almost dated after talking for a while. My justification for taking so long to make up my mind was that I didn’t want a long distance relationship. Another part of me, though, felt that there was something else keeping me from saying yes. We ended up drifting apart because of a few unrelated conflicts

-High school had given me a weird relationship with relationships. I thought that at this point, people would’ve matured enough to realize that its not a big deal and relax. But no. Everyone, even my friends who never seemed interested in relationships, started dating. I could slowly feel friends replacing me with their boyfriends and girlfriends. It still happens. Part of me started resenting relationships for that.

-On September 20th, a random thought crossed my mind. Am I aromantic? The more I thought about it, I realized that I am aromantic. Usually, you’d expect a sigh of relief after finding a label that fits you. But, instead, I sat on the floor among unfolded laundry and sobbed. I felt guilty, like I had lied to everyone. My ex, my guy friend that I almost dated, all of my friends and family. I felt wrong. I hated being aromantic.

-It took me a while to come out as asexual upon finding out. I didn’t see it as such a big deal. It didn’t define me. But when I discovered my aromantic identity, it very quickly became very important to me. Every day, I embraced it more and more, and it became a part of who I am. I came out about a month later, on national coming out day, October 11.

-At school, I became very open about my queer identity, not shying away from the fact that I couldn’t relate to about 99% of my peers. I joke about being a “plant” with my friends all of the time. Sometimes, the constant joking makes me feel a little invalidated, like my identity is a joke. But overall, it helps both me and my friends feel more comfortable with aro/ace culture, normalizing lack of attraction. A lot of my friends who have never heard of the words “aromantic” and “asexual” now have a much better understanding of the terms, and it makes me feel like I’m making a difference, bringing awareness to a marginalized community.

-I cried when Todd Chavez came out to Bojack Horseman as asexual

-I’ve talked to my mom a few times about how I don’t want to get married and have kids. At first, she was upset, telling me that I better give her grandchildren (because there’s no way my older brother will ever find a girlfriend). But, the more I’ve said it, the more she’s been supportive of it. She even told me about some career options that would work nice for someone with my interests (having a few cats in a cozy apartment)

-Yesterday, I told my sister that I am aroace. She is the only relative that I’ve explicitly come out to. She took it well, realized that she’d get to be a “kitty aunt” someday instead of a normal aunt. 

I’m happy I discovered this aspect of myself at a considerably young age. It’ll save me years of feeling broken. I’m glad people are slowly becoming more and more accepting to the idea of aro and ace identities. There is still some negative prejudices surrounding it. People still tend to glorify romance and sex and forget about the importance of friendships and platonic relationships. I still get weird looks. People say things to me about my identity that upset me, but overall I think things are getting better. This was really cheesy but I’ve been wanting to write about my experiences for a while.