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Monotonous Mistakes Caught Creeping

By CTRL

Sleep receded

War was too much so it retreated

& Hope defeated

A true battle of attrition and hardly eating

& Mental cleaning

Forced with every other friendly official “meeting”

& Ego feeding

Provided with fresh meals from the horse it was beating

& Social reading

Only for when silence slips gloves on and begins people weeding

& Issue seeing

Best used when you find yourself all alone again and attention needing

& Motion freezing

Common among those who have nothing left for speech and hoped to never be seen

& Pointless competing

For folks who lost someone on the way out and didn’t get an explanation for them leaving

& Self teasing

Aided by shoulder demons and supported by the loss of the nostalgic feeling of people pleasing

&

Finally, my morose realization of some of the things I can’t stop repeating

Accompanied by my endless backpack of dreams I crafted with my thoughts of recovery seeking

[ctrlwebsite-blog]

Cooking w/ Grease

By CTRL

I've been cooking with grease

But I haven’t been eating

I've been hardly sleeping

Had some trouble breathing

On the side I made a mistake

Take it outside, fucked up so I had to take a day

And you never did reciprocate or even try to take away

We were kinda cool anyways, I was kinda creepy

Mask off like Mikey and that's okay with me

When will it be real and not just a tease

I don't know but I've come close though

I'm sure you know how it goes

Feeling like E.T. guess I should go home

And I think I’ll let it ring if you call my phone

You treat me like a king when we’re alone

So why are you acting like you don't know

That's okay though

I’m gonna take some time away, lol

[ctrlwebsite-blog]

That Guy

By CTRL

A whole life of being hypnotized into living by someone else’s lies.

The mind wanted so bad for the conscious to realize that it was not that guy.

The body was unloyal and mistaken on the side.

The nerves went numb from a substance most don’t survive.

The eyes shut for what might’ve been the last time.

The fingers rusted over in dirt and the nails bathed in grime.

The legs danced weak but claimed they were fine.

The chest shrunk to an unseen size.

The heart thought it could alleviate the demons inside with someone else’s supply.

The hands became weighed down by the dreams of ice.

The hair looked as if it had said it’s last words and promptly died.

Life should never be tied to a double stacked cup.

Falling forever down the rabbit hole, at least Alice wasn’t stuck.

With just enough luck, waking up.

Another chance, a second try.

Be true to yourself, don't fall subject to the lies.

It doesn’t matter what you are, even the nicest guy can fail to realize.

That should go to heart, and if not, you won't be there for when your mom cries.

[ctrlwebsite-blog]

Disconnected

By CTRL

I miss my friends I feel disconnected,

I had some things I had to tell them.

Lost connection, couldn’t stay connected.

Been goin’, now I’m long distance.

I haven’t seen you in a minute.

Guess my story is just a misprint.

First ticket, haven’t turned back since then.

Backpack for a pillow.

Grey clouds and fogged up windows.

A pretty face stuck in limbo.

Pain I can’t erase, it’s not that simple.

Wheels spinning to a tempo.

Said I’d call for just a minute,

don't know if it’s what I meant though,

so I guess I just didn't.

I only ever tell the half truth.

Tossing nicotine in a bathroom.

Seen pain in and out of coffins.

The map home, I probably lost it.

Miss my medicine cabinet,

and all that orange plastic.

I could never map this.

Doctor please,

this is a never ending dream.

All aboard guess I should leave,

Doc’ I swear your curing my disease,

but at the cost of killing me.

[ctrlwebsite-blog]

Family of the Mind (DRAFT)

A draft intro to an unfinished short story.

By CTRL

I remember asking, “How did it happen?”, only to be answered with brief silence. I repeated myself patiently, “Well, how did it happen?”, this time however, I was met face to face with a pure evil. Kyle Magill, a twenty seven year old man with an unfamiliar situation. He was roughly around six two, blonde curly hair, scruffy unshaven face, and blue eyes that complimented his pale composure. He sat across from me in a red cushioned leather chair. His eyes met mine and his lips slowly moved, “How did what happen sir?”, his voice shook lightly, “I don’t know what you possibly may be asking about sir.”. He smirked at me with a naive sense of pride. But this voice was not Kyle Magill’s voice, this was Billy Stanford’s voice. At the young age of twelve Kyle Magill was diagnosed with something called multiple personality disorder, meaning he hosts two or more different personalities in his body. Billy Stanford was one of Kyle’s many personalities, and one of his most controversial. I was no longer sitting across from Kyle Magill, a simple trucker from Kansas, instead I found myself sat across from a known killer, Billy Stanford. Kyle had described Billy to me in the past as an evil force of intelligence that occupies his mind. His voice was a little higher than Kyle’s,  and he sat up with a much more proper posture while flaunting a cynical smirk. Who is Billy Stanford? Billy Stanford was one of seventeen personalities that occupy Kyle Magill’s mind and body. Billy was a immoral chaotic person who fed off the pain of others because he battles an extreme superiority complex problem, which he refuses to admit. He’s supposedly from Maine, in his early thirties, and his only goal in life is to torture his previous doctors who could not help him escape captivity in Kyle Magill’s life. He also is one of three of Kyle’s personalities that is aware of the other personalities, and is capable of labeling them. Although he was a big help in identifying the other personalities to psychiatrist from Kyle’s youth, he is no friend. In fact, up and down the state of Maine, he is well known as the ‘Coat Hanger Killer’. Now, this is due to Billy’s struggle with the need to be dominant over someone- which caused him to be driven to buy hookers from run down neighborhoods and murder them. However, this is not how he received his title. He achieved his title from local police and news stations because after Billy would finish hours of rigorous struggling committing vast homicide, he would continue to stick wire coat hangers in various places his victim’s bodies. Whether it was down a woman’s throat, or in their stomach. This act of grotesque violence was unexplainable to me, and to this day still perplexes me. Billy stared at me from the eyes of Kyle. I sat completely frozen across from him. I was aware of his history and what he was capable of, so I knew better than to make any sudden movements that would make me seem as a threat to him. “Is this Billy?” I asked. He was quicker to respond this time, “Why yes sir, it is.” His smile stayed consistent throughout his speech. I continued to greet Billy with the best manors I could manage in order to gain his favor, “Hello Billy. How’re you today?”. Billy looked up at the dark ceiling for a moment as if he was pondering what he would say to me, “I’m awfully tired sir.” He edged forward in his chair and began to push his head towards me whilst gripping the arms of the chair, “Do you know why?”. His grin widened to reveal his yellow stained teeth. Billy, as Kyle, killed a hooker the day before, and was found in an abandoned bowling ring dissecting the body with the intention of filling the corpse with several wire coat hangers. Once they took him in, I was called up in the middle of the night- I am Kyle’s current psychiatrist. So of course, I knew why he was tired, but I needed to make him talk. “No Billy, why are you tired?” I politely asked. He stared directly into my eyes and his lips stretched across his face. His teeth pushed together with his tongue pressed up behind them, “tsk tsk tsk” he hissed at me, “Are you lying to me doctor?” he asked. Billy was clever, he knew exactly what I wanted to hear and why I wanted to hear it.

[ctrlwebsite-blog]

Understanding the Unseen Threat

By CTRL

Many people can recall a time in their youth where they have been separated from their parents. Whether it’s at the mall, on a scout trip, or even if they just left you in charge of the house on date night. Let's use that example, say your parents really did leave you alone in your home for a date night. Commonly when a person is left in a situation where they find themselves in utter isolation they tend to take extra precautions to ensure that they are in a comfortable environment. A person might do things like flick on all the lights, play music, or even just have the TV on in the background. Little things like these help someone surround themselves with a powerful sense of familiarity. In today’s advance modern society, the average human has become subject to the norm that being surrounded by the constant intensity of bright lights, orchestrated sound, and consistent movement is what they need to engulf themselves into a safe environment. So what do you do without these elements of the everyday life? Going back to my previous example, help me elaborate this idea by picturing that you’re home alone while your parents are out for the night. You might be able to look back into your memories of times that resemble this situation, and  recollect moments where you felt an eerie sensation blanketed over you as if you were being stalked from a distance by someone or something you could never quite turn around fast enough to catch a glance of. What exactly is this feeling? And why are you feeling it? You know there is no one or nothing else in your home other than you, and you’re completely familiar with every nook and cranny the house has to offer. Whether it's a scuff on your wooden floors from the arrangement of the furniture, or it's the dark abyss that consumes the upstairs once the lights are shut off. For Pete’s sake, you’ve lived there your whole life! So you would think that if anything, you’d feel a sense of overwhelming protection and safety whilst in your home. However that is not the case. In this particular scenario, you feel like every step you take is being studied by something out of the unknown. An emotion hat could almost be described as set of eyes that acted as if they were a pair of icy hands reaching out from an endless darkness with the soul purpose to only softly rub their ghostly chilling fingertips against your skin in order to give you limitless goosebumps. Your mind recognizes this unidentifiable pair of pupils as a threat and reacts with the frustration of this unknown feeling by producing a sense of anxiousness and fear to combat any danger. So you do the only thing you can imagine to do in order to assure your safety, and you go about your house turning on as many lights and TV’s as possible. This way,  just in case, if there is some sort of intruder that offers a threat, not only will you sound accompanied by various voices of characters on the local news station, but you will also be able to see any form of potential harm from a mile away. In doing so, you’ve molded your house into an impenetrable castle of safety where you can wait out the arrival of your most devoted and loyal knights who are sworn to protect you from harm's way, Mom and Dad. But in the end, it has been you who is responsible for the mysterious eyes that follow you around corners and through windows. When the mind has been thrown into a unusual place it does not recognize, like a home without noise or people to interact with, it has no source of attention to feed off of. The mind, in weird way, resembles that of a parasite. It feeds off the constant attention and company of familiar things at it's hosts expense. It creates the idea of an environment you should enjoy and grow to love because of the way modern society has influenced it to accept elements like electronics and convenient technology. So when someone is put into a spot where these things are not currently accessible, their mind subconsciously creates a sense of danger which slowly pushes them back to the dependence of modern day materialistic items to comfort themselves with a sense of familiarity. So if you ever find yourself alone somewhere and you feel like you’re being watched from over your shoulder, you could just be subconsciously forcing yourself to create a sense of danger so that you can occupy your mind in order to cope with the isolation that is not having an excuse to allow yourself to rely on the practical tools of society. Unless, maybe- there really is something eying you from a shadow nearby.