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Love & Truth

Many years ago I wondered how people could be so free and in love. “What does that feel like?” It felt so foreign to me. How? How is it possible to have no insecurities with some one? How do you not feel afraid? 

In my youth, I felt betrayed by friends and crushes I trusted.  People I cared so much about proved to me time and time again that they did not care at all. Were they the cause of this emotional turbulence? Were those experience that made me feel that that trust and vulnerability was imaginary? 

I totally get it now. Love is freedom. Love is no judgement. Love is selfless. Love is fun. You trust who you are with and you let down all guards and borders. You embrace them and they embrace you. You dance and say cringey stuff. You sit on the toilet as they brush their teeth. You wake up face to face inhaling their dreams.

It is real. It is hard, but it is magical. Let me tell you, though, do not rush this feeling. It can not be created, it can only be manifested. It will happen in time. Follow your truth. Follow your feelings. Trust your instincts. Keep your guard up toward those who make you feel guarded. Block out those who make you second guess who you are. Turn away from those people who you say they care, but their actions make you feel as if something deep inside of you is screaming no. 

It is ok to take your time. That time is precious for your own wellbeing. That time is important for your goals and dreams. Follow them. Follow your destiny and not a false idea of a person. You know the difference. Just as I did, you know what feels real, and it is ok to wait it out. Because one day you will not have to second guess it all. You will dive right in and absorb the energy of that moment. You will know fully and undoubtedly.  You will. It takes patience, but you will.

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There is this misconception that Japan is soooo futuristic. But the truth is, it’s not really. Japan stopped economically developing in the 1980s and most technology is outdated compared to the rest of the world. Japan is very stubborn when it comes to letting go of tradition. Therefore, the culture is very behind in many ways. You do you, Japan!

The best part of this tradition are Japanese festivals. The street vendors and food stalls are so fun. I hope that if you ever come to Japan, you get stuck in a traditional street festival. They are aesthetically fulfilling.

These photos were taken in Sugamo, which is known as the “old lady Harajuku”. It has many traditional shops as it is! I was happy to come across this festival on my weekly stroll.

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worldly

You want to be worldly, but darling you always were. You are of the world. 

This is an epiphany I had in the garden one morning. An epiphany for those who feel perplexed about their essence and being in this world. We get lost in the world of social media. We strive to see the world, while forgetting they are already a part of the world. Appreciate the world outside your window. You can not find yourself out in the world somewhere; you were always already a part of this world. You will find yourself from within. 

When you look within, you will find the world within you.

I made a mistake in thinking I needed to go abroad to see the world. The world has always been right in front of me.

The world is beneath my feet. I can close my eyes and be everywhere, but I can not close my eyes everywhere and be here.

The aura of myself is my world, and it will follow me where ever I go.

The world is right in front of me, because the world has always been where ever I am. I’ve always been here, while forgetting that I’m not. No matter where you are, your world will always follow. It will always catch up. Do you truly know the world if you are always trying to search it? Look where you stand every day, is that not the world too? Scenery may change,  but your aura is always blue.

You search for the world on your phone, all while the breeze is flowing through your hair. Answering a thousand texts, never realizing what’s there.

Look up. Look down. Don’t you see it all around?

That is the world.  It is with you always. The world owns your life, you do not own the world.

You will never see the world, if you are missing that it’s always here. When it comes to essence,  possibilites won’t compare.

Wake up, and snap out of that rejective state. The grass is growing at an impossible rate.

You are the world. The world is not you. Get to know your inner home before it loses you.

You can not find yourself in the world, you can only find yourself within this world. The world has always been here. Right here below you.

Wording and imagery by Jennifer Jarvie Instagrm: @worldlyjen

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I Am A Tree

I am a tree.

Don’t cut me down.

I’m growing tall.

Almost to the sky,

I feel the clouds flying by.

I feel the pokes.

I feel the wind.

Can’t help the way you sin.

Others affect me.

I have no control.

They cut me down to make me a hole.

I can not stop it.

What’s it like to carry my bark in your pocket?

At times I envy the birds, 

They move and soar so free.

They can see any view as they just sit on me.

The truth is,

I am a home to many souls.

So why can’t you respect the way the future folds?

A home to myself, 

Absorbing all that surrounds me,

All knowing, standing high to where you can’t see.

Roots grounding me,

As who I’m meant to be.

I give you the air you breathe, 

But still you don’t appreciate all I do.

I gave you shade, 

I endure the winds

All to keep it from damaging you.

I did all these things,

Sure, you didn’t ask me to do.

But that is who I am, 

And what I was proudly made to do.

I am who I am.

We are who we are,

Though, I know that is not who you star.

I guess I will never know,

Why? Because you cut me down before it was my time to go.

Poem and photographs by Jennifer Jarvie

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The Truth about Hong Kong, HK

 Many people know Hong Kong as “China”. Many have heard about the Hong Kong protests. Why are the people of Hong Kong protesting? Why are they upset?

Let me start by saying, Hong Kong is a very special city. Hong Kongers are special people. China is a special country. Chinese are special people. Both places hold a special place in my heart.

 Despite what I say here, please know that I love and care about each place separately and dearly, but that doesn’t make anything I say  less true.

Hong Kong is not China.

Mainland China is on a completely differnt spectrum than Hong Kong.

Hong Kong was owned by the UK up until 1997. That is very recent compared to the amount of years the colony was under British rule. In 1997 Hong Kong was “given back” to the Chinese government. However, because of the completely different ways of life, Hong Kong and China are considered to be under the “one country, two systems” rule.

Many people across the globe do not see Hong Kong as separate from China. The people of Hong Kong ask that you recognize that they are not China.

Hong Kong and mainland China differencient in many ways:

-Government systems -Lifestyles -Currency -Language -Passports

Government Systems

Hong Kong was more of a democracy, while China is as we know, communist. Since HK was passed back to China in 1997, there have been many ongoing issues between these two systems.

Lifestyle

The lifestyle is quit different. People in Hong Kong are more open to outsiders. It is more international. Hong Kong has no internet sensorship (they have access to outside news and SNS). Hong Kong has is tradition, but there is also a very large modern way of living. China is very strict on sensorship. You can not even access Google.com, let alone Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, or Twitter... China has their own version of all of the SNS we know and love. Chinese people are also very big on tradition. They are all about sticking to their roots. First comes knowledge, power, wealth, marriage, then children. This is true for most nations in the world, but Chinese parents take it to another level. There are even arranged matchmaking events orchestrated by parents. 

Hong Kong is more open in this way. There are people from all over the world living in this international metropolotan. Dreams are a reality in Hong Kong. In China, dreams are a mirage.

Language

The language is not just “Chinese”. In mainland China there are around 297 spoken languages alone. Mainland China’s official language is “mandarin”, while Hong Kong’s official language is “cantonese”. These use the same characters, but are spoken very differently. One can not understand the other.

Currency

Currency is differnt. Hong Kong dollars are artistic and beautiful, and also a different worth from mainland China’s yuan (RMB).

Passports

Hong Kongers and Chinese have separate passports. In fact, the citizens of mainland China need a VISA to cross in to Hong Kong!!! Up until ten years ago, it was very difficult for Chinese people to obtain easy entry in to Hong Kong. 

You see, there are many factors to this situation. The people of Hong Kong want people to recognize they are not Chinese. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being Chinese. It is just their sense of identity. They are different and they want to be respected as such.

I have personally lived in Hong Kong and Mainland China. I have first hand experience to the relations of these two places. I know how they think of each other. I know their differences. I know their special aspects.

I hope you can learn to understand also.

Now, what is up with the most recent stir of protests?

Actually, the protests have been going on and off for many many years. Recently, we are noticing and hearing more because of our connections through social media. This protest has been the loudest. Why?  Younger generations do not have as much fear as before. Perhaps this is because of the global connections we have through social networking. 

There are no secrets when it comes to the internet. This is something mainland Chinese people do NOT have the freedom of, and what the Chinese government fears. In China, if you post anything or protest anything against the government, you mysteriously disapeer. Hong Kong’s youth, who grew up on western SNS, know this, and want their freedom to stay! They use social media as their greatest weapon, and are also aware of issues because of it.

These recent protests all started again because of an extradiction bill. The Chinese governement has been trying to move Hong Kong more into their communistic control. Hong Kong does not like this because they are suppose to have 50 years (from the UK handover) until a complete change from their democratic system. The extradiction bill allows the Chinese government to sort of control more of Hong Kong’s legal system. Meaning, Hong Kong people could be sent to China for criminal charges and punishment. 

The people of Hong Kong do not feel this is fair because they are only halfway through that 50 year promise. They deserve to remain as a free democracy, for that is the point of the “one country, two system” rule.

The people of Hong Kong are known as Hong Kongers. Not Chinese.

I hope you can understand that Hong Kong is not China. They are not the same. I hope that one day you may also get to experience the very different beauties of these two nations. 

As of October 23, 2019, a formal withdrawl of the extradition bill was completed. This fight was won, but there will be many more to come. Please continue to support and cheer on the individuals of Hong Kong to keep their city their own.

Photos and words by Jennifer Jarvie

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Kawazu, Shizuoka

A day in Kawazu, Shizuoka through photographs.

Kawazu is a beautiful little town in the south side of Izu Peninsula in Shizuoka Prefecture. Kawazu is typically known for its cherry blossom fesival in Spring time. Though, I went during Japan’s Golden Week which falls in April/May.

I loved this time because I love GREEN nature. Everything is green! Also, there are many flower gardens that are in bloom at this time. I had the chance to visit a French rose garden and a carnation garden. 

Take a walk aroung the city and absorb all of its witty character. Be mesmerized by the greenery and magic of nature by the sea.

Be sure to have seafood in Kawazu. It is very fresh! Also, this province is known for two things: wasabi and green tea. Have fresh raw fish (sashimi) with some fresh wasabi! Most places will give you the wasabi plant for you to grind yourself at your table! It is that fresh!

After a beautiful day of adventures, hit the onsen at one of the resorts on the water!  You get a beauitful ocean view as you marinate in hot spring water.

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Buenos Aires

COME TRAVEL WITH ME IN ARGENTINA

Amazing meat. Promising wine. Romantic dance. Authentic fashion. Colorful architecture. Crafty beer.

Buenos Aires is the [ethnic] Paris of the South.

This city is seriously special with its wondrous character.

Take a stroll through the city by bus, take tango lessons, indulge yourself in marvelous wine and orgasmic food. Treat your hangover or food coma with some of that special beer.

Get lost in the city of Buenos Aires; has it all with a dollop of love.

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Generations

The Beauty of Generations

 A 35MM, black and white photo series based off of the beauty in generations; an elder woman and her descendant.

This is a series of self-portraits and portraits of my Grandma. I used light and shadow to capture the detailed beauty in age, and also illustrate spirit and emotion of each person. Photos were taken using a B&W 35MM film camera. The film was processed and developed into 16x20 prints.

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(Oh la la) Cafe

Forget Starbucks. Don’t you want to know the essence of a true Tokyo cafe?

Aren’t you curious about the truth behind Tokyo culture instead of the tourist traps and overpriced entry fees? Tokyo is filled with countless magical places! There are so many districts, towns, streets, paths, and alleyways to explore. One of the best ways to know a city is to allow yourself to get lost and find your way by foot. You come across hidden gems with lovely people instead of spending time and money on places that are crowded with other traveling foreigners.  

One of my favorite Tokyo spots to go and get lost in is an area in [Shibuya] ward known as Daikanyama. Daikanyama has a special aesthetic particularly close to modern Italy or Buenos Aires. The buildings are often clean and neutral designs of geometrical shapes and lines. The area is filled with hip cafes, boutiques, salons and even a nice new Tsutaya book store (that is freakin’ insane!!!).

In the crevice of Daikanyama, between two fashionable men’s boutiques lies an outdoor cafe known as, ウララ (Urara). The entrance of Urara is simply a curtain hung between wooden fences, surrounded by trees and foliage.

You cross the curtain to find a stone path leading you through trees and traditional Japanese artifacts, into a small backyard patio area.

Urara relaxing space covered with trees, making it a quiet little getaway from Tokyo city life.  Wooden tables line the yard, sitting before a makeshift wooden bar.

Fans blow through the space creating a nice and cool breeze that is surprisingly perfectly refreshing considering the intensity of the summer heat wave.

The environment offers a nostalgic feeling of your childhood fort or what I liked to call, my secret-spot.

The menu consists of coffee, espresso, juice, alcohol, and the favorite Japanese snack of the season: Kakigoori (shaved ice).

Japanese shaved ice comes in many flavors like red bean and matcha, blueberry, lemon, and seasoned fruit (currently kiwi).

The iced treat is extremely reasonably priced for its size at just 600 JY (that’s half the price compared to other cafes).

Customers line up for the shaved ice, eating it at wooden tables beneath the summer foliage.

There is even a nice zero-fcks giving cat lounging around, not your feet but your arms.  

Urara is the perfect spot for a glass of ice coffee as I read and write in the little wooden alcove beyond the trees.

The coffee comes in hot or iced in styles of espresso, European or regular. The bold taste of their coffee is the perfect pick-me up after a hot day of exploring through Daikanyama.

I recommend you stop in for a nice cold beverage and iced treat. Especially to feel like you’re on a small forest island, in the small quiet oasis of this perfect little getaway, within the fashionable town of Daikanyama.

(This is not a paid promotion, but personal opinion.)

Cheers from Tokyo,

@clubjarvie

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Simple Blessings

Simple blessings. What does this mean to you? What does this mean to me? What does it mean to your neighbor? What does “simple blessings” mean to anyone of this Earth?

As each of our walks of life is different, blessings, are different to each of us in different ways.

Throughout my adventures abroad, I have encountered far too many blessings. Sure I have had experienced what most would call, negative setbacks and downfalls, but when you have faith as a big as a mustard seed, you realize those “downfalls” are actually the product of hundreds of simple blessings.

I could speak of the multiple hospitalizations I have had in Japan alone, or the times I had been stranded in a foreign country alone… but those aren’t seen as “simple”. The simple are the instances so small in life, we forget to cherish them for the blessings that they are.

Just last week, I was with a couple friends at an indoor theme park in Odaiba (a manmade Island in Tokyo). In Japan, those claw machines arcade games are a big deal. You can win anything from stuffed characters to chocolates, ramen, or ice cream! It sounds silly, but I really wanted a stuffed character that was SUSHI!! I had seen it at many places, but this one particularly felt special. I tried to win it and grew quite stressed as the sushi continued to fall so close from the line. My friend tried a few times and failed. My brother, who is the master at these games even tried and failed. It is funny what these little games can do to a grown man. It causes serious angst!

It was then when a group of Japanese children passed by and saw the sushi. They found it to be fascinating as well. I told them they could only play my machine if they could win that particular stuffed sushi for me first. Of course, I was only half serious, but they took my offer as a challenge they couldn’t pass up. Apparently, these group of boys played these machines often and could win anything!

My friends and I instantly became a team with this group of school kids, and even inspired the staff to come and cheer along with us. I watched these boys put money after money in, each determined to win this for this strange foreign girl. Time after time, the sushi played us and ended up tumbling out of the claw just as it neared the ledge.

In a matter of minutes, we, a large group of strangers, some big, some small, some foreign, some native, seemed to grow a connection and respect for each other, supporting the win of this random stuffed sushi.

Finally, the sushi tumbled down the chute and the arcade roared with laughter and cheers. As the boy passed that stuffed sushi into my own hands, I realized this wasn’t just a stuffed sushi anymore, but a simple blessing that had brought a group of strangers of all sizes, ages, and nationalities together. It was a simple blessing that created a moment I would never forget.

Peace and love from the other side,

Jen Jarvie

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Foreign Sundays

I close my eyes to the sound of music. The organ is playing a familiar melody; The voices sing a familiar tune. Only the words I can not understand.

And so I close my eyes and let the spirit of the music -of the gospel- take me away.

I close my eyes and I am surrounded by angels.

I can not understand the words, But I can understand the power; I understand the mood of the Holy Spirit.

Like the story in Acts, telling the way different languages are understood amongst diverse men, All through the power of God. And that goes for any situation abroad.

Moments like this; moments of life, Language becomes irrelevant and the love becomes dominantly pure.

~

After writing this passage during Japanese service, I “accidentally” came across this verse of 1 Corinthians 12:10:

“Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange languages, but they will cease; there is knowledge but it will pass.”

Love never fails us, even what the tongues of this life may.

Words and Imagery by @clubjarvie

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Purpose

We are always asking: “What are your dreams?”, when we should be asking: “What is your purpose”?

Dreams change throughout our lives. We are always changing; always growing, therefore our dreams never remain the same. We are born with a purpose; that purpose always remains the same. We have a dream or vision for our lives when we are young, then that vision is influenced by the course of society. Our thoughts and opinions are provoked; manipulated by our environments. We are told we should follow a specific path because that is what everyone else does.

What we do not teach, and remind ourselves (that also influences our youth), is that we are each different individuals born with a uniquely special purpose. Sometimes adolescents recognize that purpose, but become estranged to it over the course of their lives; being influenced by makeshift ideas of society.

We are each different. Each different with a special aspect that adds to the cycle of the universe. Whether our purpose is big or small, it has a big effect on the way the universe carries out itself. You do not have to be a successful musician or superstar in order to carry out a purpose. You could be the one to influence another, or even parent another important purpose. The smallest smile you, one individual, give to a stranger on the street, has the ability to change the entire course of one or many of ones’ lives. That smile you give to a stranger may have changed the essence of their entire day. Perhaps they were having a bad day, week, year, and even planning to end their life. That single smile, though, provided them with a glimmer of light. That single smile may influence them to smile, which could make another stranger smile, continuing the ripple effect throughout the cycle of life. Your single action changed the course of many lives through other individuals. Your single action influenced the cycle of life, giving your own life great and meaningful purpose.

Each of our own unique purposes is different. Recognizing that difference and purpose that makes you special is so important. Being true to yourself and who you were made to be is important. Just as there are many different colors, textures, details or entities of life, creating different beauties and vividness around us, so are each and every one of you.

If we were all meant to be the same, then wouldn’t the entire world be one color? Dull with one texture; one being? Life wouldn’t be as diverse and beautiful as it is. Therefore, us humans should also be colorful, textured, and detailed differently. Each of us carrying out our own purpose, together creating a creative, innovative, saturated world.

Do not regret and dwell in the past, because each and every path in life leads you and prepares you for what is to come. Even if we may not recognize our purpose, our purpose will always call out to us, leading us. Dreams change, but who you are meant to be, that does not change. The person you are meant to be is always inside of you, waiting to come out. All you have to do is recognize it. Trust in yourself; trust in the universe in which created you to live out a special purpose. As said, “each new day is the first day of the rest of our lives”, and it is never too late to come to terms with our intended outcome.

Be the closest you can to a wandering, soaring bird.

Words and imagery by @clubjarvie​

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Why I wander the world:

Wandering makes me happy.

Why does wandering the world make me happy?

because I question the life of another. because the sun rises and sets at each ends of the earth. because the moon always guides the path while the sun is asleep. because people have the same smile but a different laugh. because the food can be made in all varieties. because a stranger is only a stranger until you say hello. because the life of another helps me to appreciate my own. because culture enriches my perspective. because I may see the necessities of life that I never even thought possible. because the world is my muse, because the birds fly according to the season. because the world extends out from my backyard. because you can stand on the highest mountain, on the highest building, and never see beyond the horizon. because the rain falls and doesn’t stop, but continues elsewhere. because the world holds the secrets of my past, present, and future.

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Tokyo Emergency: 119

FYI: In Japan, 119 is the emergency number for an ambulance.

Riding in the ambulance, in agonizing pain, with a language barrier, the medics were questioning me through translator apps on their smartphones. All I could think was, “I need to get a picture of this for later!”.

Yes, my body was too long for this gurney, and my feet were pushing the back doors. At least the blanket was nice and fluffy.

This man was translating things on his computer and would randomly yell out English words. “Ok ok, don’t worry!”, “English doctor, ok, ok!”

I was not expecting to be taken to the emergency room. Honestly, I thought the medics would just tell me I’m crazy and all is ok. The pain had felt like it was disintegrating at this point. Yet, they told me through translators that they were finding an English spoken doctor. All I had brought with me was my wallet, low battery iPhone and phone charger. As I lied there, unaware of what the heck was going on around me, I thought to do what I did best: document.

I arrived to the hospital where I was transported from the ambulance on a gurney. I didn’t like it. I told them I would walk, but they wouldn’t allow it. It felt so awkward having these little people move me from bed to bed.

I was in the open room lying on a bed, all but a curtain separating each individualized section of the large spaced medicare.

The nurses all spoke Japanese around me. “What, wHAt, WHaT, WHAT?”, I thought. Needles were being stuck in me, cords attached to my arm and chest... “Do you speak Japanese?”, said a girl, “A LITTLE, but NOo”, I expressed. The nurse explained that they will run blood tests, x-rays, and other tests to see if I had appendicitis. In this moment, my thoughts were made up of doubts within myself. There is no way that could be it. I had seen these moments in the movies and had always wondered when my time would come. In Tokyo, though? REally?

Blood tests, x-rays, and a few very cold ultrasounds later, the nurse said there was no sign of inflammation, but my white blood cells level was off the charts. I just remember having to sign papers that the next ink CT scan I would need was ok, and if I died it wasn’t their fault. “Cool...”, I thought, looking up... “just let me get a picture...”

I stayed in this bed for four hours before the test results came back and a doctor finally came to see me. She explained, through a [very literal] handful of English words, and Japanese, that I would be hospitalized, maybe surgery.

Imagine laying in a bed for hours, pain getting worse, with all these foreign nurses and doctors surrounding you, taking blood, tests, and jabbering back and forth in Japanese. All you can get out of anyone is a few words of what's happening to you. Your doctor finally comes, and can’t speak English. So writes down four words... Appendicitis... hospitalized... maybe... surgery. This was my first ever experience in an ambulance, midnight emergency room visit, and being hospitalized. All in a foreign country, alone, and with no family or close friends. Yet, I was surprisingly calm. “Ok”, I thought, “it is what it is... just make the best of it and enjoy the experience... pretty cool, because THIS WILL MAKE OF AN EPIC STORY!”.

And so I did. I had plenty of people here in Tokyo visiting and taking care of me and even made new friends with other patients and nurses during my hospital stay. It was a great opportunity to observe and learn about Japanese people and hospital culture.

Each time I took a picture, I had little blurbs pop up in my head.

Enjoy my positive spin on an interesting foreign experience!

I was moved upstairs to a room finally. As I was transferring beds--feet above as if the floor were hot lava--I looked to my right as I lied there waiting to be wheeled away. Epic view. I was thinking when I heard an elder person yelling for care---from the room I’d be going.

The bright view was pretty until I tried to sleep.

That’s my meal and beverage for the next 72 hours.

HEELLLP.

Worst arm accessory ever.

I’ve never felt this helpless [in having to pee] before.

LEts stand HErE in the DARk and plAN for OUR nEXT vICTImm..oh look a foreigner in a wheelchair.

A 73-year-old lady 1/3 of my size is pushing me in a wheelchair up, over, down and through this hospital and I’m shriveling awkwardly in the chair taking pictures of myself.

COME iN To tHE LIGHT! -- I swore they said.

Being x-rayed was the most action I’ve had all year.

‘Lay here as we take pictures of your body and watch through the glass...’

3AG, Gag, bAg, these bags and I held some interesting conversations.

I never thought I’d be getting bathed with wet wipes by a lady in a room where elder people lied groaning beyond the curtains.

I hear a gremlin coughing--gargling noise... Now it’s yelling for assistance...

A guardian angel appeared through the window...oh, that’s Jenny...

Getting blessed by the angel---Jenny.

Somewhere beyond the curtains...lies a mysterious... being that makes many creepy noises.

*Puts hand on glass* somewhere...out...there... I will feel the sunlight and fresh pure air again...

they keEp taking my bLoOD... I love being woken with a needle prick! Nothing like it~

Going for a walk around the floor sounded better in my head than it did out loud... also, the view looked better behind than it did onward.

There ‘iT’ is...

I have this new pet that is literally attached to me on a leash and follows me everywhere. It’s the worst.

AND SPECIAL THANKS AND HIGH FIVES TO MY VISITORS~

Words and Imagery by @clubjarvie

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Moving On

It’s never easy to leave a place you have spent much time living in. Especially when it is a different country and culture.

You evolve, grow, learn, and experience new things. Good and bad times. The negatives consume you but you still stay. You endure the bad because you seek and want the good.

You have changed here. You have become a new being. This place has made you who you are at this moment. Leaving is a difficult task for the mind. Letting go and moving on from a country is a mind game.

Letting go and moving on from a person— letting go and moving on from a city is totally different.

If you have experienced it, then you know.

You can take a person out of a culture, but you can not take the culture out of a person. Leaving and moving on means you must find that new you all over again. You must learn who you are in that new place, with your evolved self.

That is what makes being a nomad so challenging. You are constantly learning how to grow and evolve from different experiences and situations.

Culture is a part of people. Some live their whole lives trying to understand themselves in that one culture. Imagine relearning yourself all over again, and putting that evolved—cultured self into an entirely new place, yet again.

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“Culture” Shock

All is well then a crazy panic comes over me. Who is this person  I am looking at, speaking to me from, across the table? Where the hell am I? Who am I? HOLY S**T, WHO AM I? Panic. Panic. Am I alive?

In all this emotion, I have been trying to find articles that prove this feeling is, in fact, normal. I wanted to find articles about others who had this same experience, yet all I could find were steps of culture shock (that did not express this horrible feeling I was living). I wrote this in hopes that my experience could be that something for someone else.

Panic and anxiety are one of the scariest mind f**ks to ever have. Especially when you are in a place that is unfamiliar to you. Everything is new. Absolutely  everything. I always imagined culture shock to be in the sense that all things material are new to you. I have been many places and have never felt like this before. This sensation is new to me, and with that, it is quite terrifying. I mean, I have had anxiety all my life, but never this intense; never this surreal. It has had me questioning everything. Is this life? Is life real? I am such a deep person, who strives to be strong, so feeling this made me feel absolutely crazy. I am critical on myself and strive to know myself in every way, but recently, I feel disconnected from myself and everything I’ve ever done. This loss of identity has had me feeling disoriented. It has me in a place feeling dark and lonely. No one understands what I am speaking of, which has me feeling even crazier.

Visiting a new city is one thing, but actually moving and adjusting your entire life and future to one, is another. It is exciting and scary. The emotions of stress are overwhelming. You are not only adapting to a new job, in a new city but to a whole new culture, entirely by yourself. People always say the same things to me: “You are so brave! I don’t know how you just pick up and move to another country!”, yup. It all seemed fun and easy, so I kept going. Until now my mind has popped like an overinflated balloon.

December 10th, 2015

I feel as if I am in a dream; a nightmare. I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all. I realize it’s not just USA I miss. I miss China. I talk about China. I compare it to China. Tokyo, Japan is not China. When we are scared, we crave the comforts of home, therefore, I want to go home. I miss my Mom. I miss my dad. I miss their vicious dog that tries to maul me to death. I miss it all simply because I am in a place I do not feel familiar with. That familiarity is what gives us that sense of identity. When everything is new and you are left alone to think and process, not just this new experience, but everything in life that has made you, you.

“Many travel for the idea of it; seeing exotic places and lives (as we should). We should all travel to learn about culture and the exotic people that consume this wondrous world. Fair warning, though… that is what I live for, and that is how I became so lost. I have seen wonders and have held personal experiences that have brought me to meet incredible people; people that will haunt my memories for the rest of my life. Though I haven’t been to too many countries, I have spent time living and subjecting myself to different cultures. Witnessing and experiencing a different way of life first hand, by yourself, is life changing. I have lost myself doing this and have learned that traveling does not always help you find yourself. Traveling provokes more questions by opening our mind to the mighty world that encompasses our individualized personification of life.”

- A passage I wrote September 2014… on the floor of a bookstore… in my hometown.

Upon returning from China, I spent some time at home. I had some major reverse culture shock that I don’t think I ever got over. No one could really understand it either. Anyway, there at home, I processed without really processing. All I did was mourn in the loss of the experience I had just had. Longing for it. I made a lot of art. I painted, I wrote, I photographed. That was amazing. Since graduating from college, I hadn’t been able to just create for myself. I picked up an internship for a startup magazine, where I was asked to become the Art Editor. I attended concerts and interviewed artists. On the side, I had become ordained to wed my brother and is amazing new wife in marriage. So much happening stepping out of an experience of the happened, I never processed anything.

Along with that in 2015, I had spent this past summer in Spain. I often forget that that all even happened. When I was in Spain, I lived with two different families in three separate months. By the time I was with the second family, I was planning a trip to Germany, and received an email regarding this job opportunity in Japan. I interviewed and accepted the job. It was fate; a blessing. I was immediately in four mindsets: Spain/Germany/Home/Japan. I was still experiencing Spain and was wanting to do specific things, was planning to go to Germany to visit friends, then getting home only to prepare for my departure to Japan. This was all in a span of a few months. I even ended up going through quite the adventure of going through two countries to get home from Spain. Germany flights were impossible to get out of (non-rev), my Visa was about to expire, and I needed to get home to prepare for Japan. It was a fun kind of stressful. I ended up taking a bus from Munich to Zurich, Switzerland, where I spent the night at someone’s home I met off CouchSurfing, only to try to catch a flight out the next day. Following some adventure, I made the flight where I met an awesome dude I ended up sitting next to. After nine hours of talking and drinking bourbon with this new friend, I was back in Atlanta. I was home and gave myself a week [my birthday week] before I started preparing for Japan. It was a rush. A stressful period. Yet, week after week, my departure was delayed. I was on my toes not knowing when to expect to go. I get an email, “Ok! You are going on Monday (in three days)!”, AHhhh, “OH WAIT, Your Visa wasn’t approved yet, so maybe next week!”…. This happened week after week for two months. It was getting to the point where no one believed I was actually going, and I myself began to believe I was not actually going.

Oh, but, finally, it actually happened! I received my passport with my work Visa, I had my ticket. It was happening. From that moment, everything following happened so fast. I left, I arrived, and it all seemed great. I met so many people, I felt I had known all my life, then all the sudden, a month goes by. A month! It feels as if it was a month’s worth of events put into just a few days.

December 18th, 2015

Our minds are like a tornado. Each is a different kind of storm. Some big, some small. Some carry on for a while; some diminish before they can even begin. My brain is a tornado that has been sucking up five years worth of experiences, memories, people, countries, hardships, love, and more. The further tornadoes roam, the more they suck up, and the more they grow in size. Imagine how big the tornado in my mind has grown over time. Now, I am in a place that brought me here as pure destiny. It’s surreal. I’m in a position where the storm has grown tiresome. I have no worry because I am set to be here alone for two and a half years.

The tornado is at a halt. The air is still, but everything the tornado had swept up, everything my mind, I had retained in five years, is crashing down at once. My brain is overwhelmed. I am finally being forced to process everything I have lived through, and I can’t believe it was me who lived out all those experiences.

Perhaps that is why this random lightning bolt of panic and disorientation has hit me. I suddenly feel as if I have no sense of identity. That I just awoke from a long sleep, and this place is so unfamiliar… or, maybe, that I am in a dream and  a daze. I realize I am in fact alive, and it freaks me out because nothing seems familiar.  My deep and philosophical mind along with my critical sense of being strong has not helped me in any way. I only look into it much deeper and convince myself I am crazy because I so badly want to feel my normal self again.

Isn’t it funny how this sense if being “normal” always comes back to haunt us? I, for one, have always been a disbeliever of “normal”; I have never thought it to exist. I always feel it to be something society created in order for us all to be the same. No human is the same. Humans are each different. I am different. You are different. To remember that can be so easily forgotten.

December 20th, 2015

It’s funny because I often say, “Great humans think DIFFERENT”, instead of “great humans think alike”. I never understood what was so great about thinking alike… If we all thought alike, then we wouldn’t have a Steve Jobs for Apple. We would not have Skype or Delta AirLines…. So why do we expect ourselves to be “normal”? If anything this worlds idea of normal is what makes us crazy.

As I began to write this, I received a phone call from a fellow missionary and Pastor here. He was checking in to see how I was doing. He said in language class this week he learned the Japanese word for, “different”. He said it is also the same meaning for “wrong”. He felt it fitting because to be different is wrong here. He reminded me that I am unique, and that is why I am here. To be that unique person, and to bring the special talents I have to offer.

I try to express this feeling to others, and they look at my like I am nutso. That helped with this situation a whole lot [jokes]. I quickly remembered, though. I remembered that no one truly understands what another goes through. We can hear their story, but we can never really know their story. So that fact that people look at me like a nutso doesn’t much bother me. I am twenty-five and feel as if I have lived the life of a ninety-year-old. My mind is a wonderland.

I can’t really figure out why I have been feeling panic and anxiety. Everyone back home who knows me keeps saying, “Jennifer, you just moved to the other side of the world. Again. Your mind probably just needs to process everything you’ve done in the past five years!”.

Everything I have been through is what has gotten me here. I have to remember that, yes. I am remembering that as I write this, but sometimes we go through so much and just keep going and going; never stopping to process. Our brains can’t handle it. Our brains will stop and make you question everything, process everything. I am not a machine, I am not supergirl. I am just another unique human being. I am not crazy; I am simply exhausted. I am not perfect. I must remember that. We all must remember that for ourselves. We are not perfect.

Most see me as a lucky individual. I agree. I am very fortunate. Not just because of the experiences I have lived out, but also for the drive and passion I hold close to me. This post isn’t meant for self-pity nor is it meant for the pity of others.  I hope this can help remind people that at every moment, of every day, we are all just humans.

For so long, I just kept going. I have stressed about trying to do everything in the angst of time; about living out all my goals in order to fulfill my dreams. We make assumptions about people and their perfect lives, when in reality, they are going through something just as dark. Anxiety is a horrible thing. Especially if you are alone in a foreign country where everyone seems to keep to themselves. You begin to question your identity in an overstimulating place like Tokyo.

This experience has opened my mind even more so (and will continue to). It has opened a door to a new perspective by testing everything I have ever believed in. I’ve always believed: obstacles are often blessings in disguise.

We could sit around and wonder who we are and how we got here, or we can naturally allow the universe to guide us through faith and intuition. I am where I am because I had that faith, and sometimes life just seems way too golden to be true. We may never fully understand what drives anxiety, therefore, treasure even those darkest moments because they, themselves, turn out to be some of  life’s greatest lessons. Everything that happens to us is for our complete benefit. If we are not constantly learning– growing– then what are we even doing?

Disclaimer: I do not like the term “culture shock” for this situation, though it was the most understandably amongst society. Japan is a very lonely and secluded nation. Just after two months of living here, I began to have this disconnection from myself. People live like this their entire lives. Japan has a dark side.  In peace.

Imagery and wording by Jennifer Jarvie ( @clubjarvie )