dailyj0rnal

[dailyj0rnal]

That's a god morning 😊

[dailyj0rnal]

Shine A Light

It's early morning in Los Angeles. Many people haven't left their house yet to go to work. The freeway is open. I get in my car and head west on the 10 to Santa Monica and get on the Pacific Coast Highway. As you go through the dark tunnel you emerge on to the PCH, Santa Monica Beach, and the Santa Monica Mountains are in the distance. Cue this song.

Windows are down, the coffee is hot, the air is crisp; and I don't think there is anywhere in the world I would rather be than in that location in that exact moment. Before the pandemic, during the pandemic, or even after the pandemic, whenever they day comes.

I first heard this song in Grand Theft Auto 5. I began playing this game not long after I moved to Los Angeles and I was amazed at how accurate that game puts the city together. This song is one of the most relaxing songs I have heard in a long time. And one I do not associate with any part of my "past" life. That life being Martha's Vineyard, or anytime during or before college.

When my boyfriend and I would have a day off together, we would get in my car, drive to Venice Beach, or Santa Barbara, all on the PCF, listening to this song and others like it. We would look at the ocean, feel the sun on our skin, I would marvel at the mountains next to the ocean, and we would go eat the best Mexican food & drink the best margaritas. We would would around the areas looking at the shops, seeing the people, and just have fun and relax. I yearn for the simpler times. And this song brings me back to those times.

It makes me realize that I am never truly in the moment. My neck is busy looking for the greener grass. I remember in those moments of peace that in the back of my mind was the bank account math going on, how much money do we need, when are the bills due, will there be enough? And gas, don't forget the gas. It robbed me of the pleasure. It truly did. If I could go back and relive it, I would only change my mind set. Because now, it's just a memory. But hopeful to be a reality again.

We have been talking a lot and we are thinking that after the wedding (yes, we are getting married in a week and a half!) that we will take our wedding money and move back. Whatever is left over will be invested and we can hopefully land jobs. I know a few people and I have been applying as well. But we want nothing more than to be back. This pandemic robbed us all of something and for me, it was my dream life.

But we can get it back. I know we can. Just all we need to do is shine a little light, and maybe it'll be a reality. And to end of this note, I know this song is about a cheating partner, but the rhythm and music is so relaxing. Just ignore the lyrics 😂🤣 Thank you all for the positive vibes 💖💚

Love, David

[dailyj0rnal]

Today Is One of Those Days...

When the mind starts wondering down a path of unanswered questions without a map out of it, it's hard to not be sucked into the vast cavernous sinkhole known as the "what if" scenarios. Followed by the county of Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda, eventually leading you to the capital of "Maybe This Will Work" Republic.

When you try so hard in life and try and make the right decisions only to fall flat on your face time & time again, I know for me, I start losing trust in myself. If the next decision will be worst than the last one. How will I know how to be happy in the moment, and eventually be happy with myself? Where will that be?

When will I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at the right moment that is meant to be? I know I'm not alone in this quest for a future, life, and prosperity but damn it, I do feel like I'm walking this road very much so alone. My questions falling on deaf ears, people with motives, others who turn things around and answer my question with a question.

I wish there was a little book (not the Bible or Dianetics) that held the answers to all of my questions. Not life itself because no one can answer those, but MY questions. A little "David's Life for Dummies" book that I can turn to an index, find the page number, and then read up on what I am looking for. That would be LOVELY.

Sadly that book has yet to be written and I am left wondering what to do, where to go, and not knowing which foot to lead with. And the general statements of advice I get sometimes makes me more insane than anything. "It's okay. We all go through this. Just stop, meditate, breathe, and the answers will come to you. In the meantime, just do your best and never give up".

Hearing that makes me want to vomit. Yes I know they are trying to help and have the best intentions but honestly hearing "yeah I don't know what to tell you" would make me feel better. Or actually, nothing at all would be great. Because unless someone hands me the map to success and my future (which is highly unrealistic), I don't want to hear from anyone at all.

I don't mean to complain. No one likes to read a sad sack, but if I don't vent this and get this off my chest, I don't know what I'll do. Mental Health assistance in the country is laughable and only available to the rich. Everyone else is left with "we don't take your insurance".

But all I know as of right now; leaving California was the biggest mistake of my life, I'd love to go back under the right circumstances, and I pray that the future is more prosperous and happy them my present. This is not too much to ask.

Love, David

[dailyj0rnal]

Safe & Sound

2013 was a very transformative year for me. It was the start of a series of inflection points that pushed my life into different directions. Many of which were rewarding, some difficult, but all ultimately led me to see beautiful places, meet wonderful people, and experience moments that most people hear about.

I first heard this song after my first summer on Martha's Vineyard. Around September of 2013. I had no idea if I was going to stay the winter on the island, move and try my luck in Boston; I figuratively was rudderless in the ocean. This song made me realize to stay on the island.

The message of it, Safe & Sound, showing me luck and taking me where I want to be. The island itself was this song. For anyone who has spent any amount of time on Martha's Vineyard knows that it's a very special place. Yes I moved off island but while as wonderful it is, it's also very isolating.

But the friends I made, and the hotel where I worked, provided me with a home that was safe & sound. Sadly the hotel has changed hands and many of my friends have moved on in life. Either they are married and are settling down on the island or in most cases, moved off island themselves. Those memories may never fade but I know for a fact, those days will never come back. The innocence, the fun, how young I was, and how the world was changing around us and on that island, time stood still.

Hearing the beginning beats brings me back to Beach Road, windows down, going over the Jaws bridge, and that optimism of what I could be, what I wanted to be, and the hope of a better tomorrow. In many ways this song still does represent this because of that connection. Reminds me of where I was and where I have gone and where I can still go. This song was at the beginning of what I would consider the rest of my life. And what better message than "safe & sound"?

Writing these thoughts down and associating with music has been very helpful for me. And for anyone who reads this, thank you. You're helping too.

Love, David

[dailyj0rnal]

What's So Bad About Feeling Good?

This song poses a great question: what is so bad about feeling good? The song opens up with him questioning somebody, could be a girlfriend, boyfriend, colleague, anyone really, as to why you would judge him for dancing? The perfect response is empathy towards the questioner because god forbid you do something like dance.

The song continues to explain how we tend to let our daily problems and woes of life can weigh us down. But in the grand scheme of thing, none of it really matters. Continue with your best foot forward, try to not feel guilty for matters let go, and just keep dancing and feel good about yourself, life, anything.

I'm trying a new approach similar my last post. Music has a profound affect on many people, and especially me. I have the ability to tap into the emotional tones of any song, and somehow make it my song. That could be taken as self obsessed or straight up delusional, and I will ignore those people because like the song asks, what is so bad about feeling good?

Even if the music is depressing, it's helpful for me. Somedays are harder to get out of bed, some days it's easy to make it to the grocery store, and on others the actual task of getting gas throws me into an anxiety fit that I chose to ignore it until tomorrow. Not the healthiest approach to life but we are all really trying out best.

This song I chose because it has a way of making me happy. The beat, rhythm, lyrics, message; it has everything for a quick pick me up. And the embarrassment of discovering it at a Hollister clothing store in 2009 has completely subsided. No matter where I am in the world, hearing this song makes me imagine just me going through a city street dancing to the beat, everyone can hear this song, and they join me. And we all end up in an area like Boston Common just enjoying the music and not caring about the world around us.

Sounds a little hippie, Woodstock, fairy tale-eque but who cares?! It's my song. And I like it. And I hope you like it too. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed & deal with the world. I wanted to be swallowed up by my depression and just not even bother trying. This song literally got me out of bed and I hope it gets you moving too. Thank you to the artist Ben Lee, and thank you to anyone who may come across this.

Love, David

[dailyj0rnal]

This song has been stuck in my head for months. I first heard it back in 2008 when Apple used it for an iPod commercial. Same with her song "My Moon My Man" for the first MacBook Air. But this song in particular brings back so many feelings and emotions and I can't put my finger on why.

During the pandemic I have been having a little bit of an identity crisis. Like many people, a lot was put into perspective. Losing your job relying on unemployment, and wondering when or if things will be normal, but the bigger question being would you want your normal life back?

Routinely I said no. I wouldn't want to go back into hotel management, or even bartending. The hours for both are long and not great, I'm always working on weekends and holidays, and I miss a lot of life events because of it. Furthermore, if I don't work, I don't get paid. Hotel Management positions do allow for PTO and other perks but right now that's not an option. It's just not who I want to be.

Yes, this song brings all this up in me even though I first heard it 13 years ago! I reminds me of who I was then as a teenager and the hopes & dream I could accomplish. Literally, a line form the song, "Those teenage hopes are tears in your eyes".

Back then I wanted to be a writer. Of novels, columns, screenplays; all I knew then that my dream involved creating characters and hoping to influence change. Not in society, but maybe let the reader know that yeah, this is weird and it is okay to be weird. You, the reader, are weird!

Also, who didn't want to be Carrie Bradshaw, making money from little work and living a fabulous life? I mean that aspect I wanted to be her. But the overall character was selfish and annoying and kinda demeaning to women everywhere. But for the late 90's it was pretty neat!

This song brings back many of those hopes & aspirations. For me it reminds me of who I was, and potentially, who I can be. I'm only 29 so I have so much more of me to give. There is a chance after all, right?

Love, David 💖💚

[dailyj0rnal]

Where Were We...

I had a busy weekend and naturally these things fall to the side. I tried the other morning but alas, the bed won the tug of war.

I know I have written in the past about the regret of leaving California, and the depression I have been experiencing. And lately I have been feeling more "normal". Whatever normal is. Maybe a better word is hopeful. More hopeful that I can turn things around. What is giving me this feeling? Probably a chemical imbalance in the brain, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

While working this weekend, I spent most of my mental energy (if I had any to spare) on what can I do to make a different in my life? I feel this blog is a way to start.

It may be written verbal nonsense sent out into a void that will not respond, but at least it's out there. If anything, it could be a blue print for something better...

[dailyj0rnal]

Day Five - Get Us Out of Here

A few months ago, my partner and I moved from California back to my home state of Massachusetts as a direct result of COVID. I lost my job & the hotel I worked for folded up operations. At the time the UI benefits were set to expire and The Senate had yet to agree on a stimulus bill, we were in Los Angeles and facing a certain financial demise, we chose to leave the state to be close to friends & family.

Well we all know things got better on the stimulus bill & executive action by #45, and also the world was now getting vaccinated. Just a few days ago Governor Newsom announced that if things keep going in this direction that the state will fully reopen on June 15th...

Living in California had always been a dream of mine. I spent literally my whole childhood seeing pictures of it, dreaming of going to college there (I was turned down several times), and after many vacations to San Diego & Los Angeles, I FINALLY MADE IT!

It wasn't cheap & it wasn't easy but it was worth it. I got a good job, met the love of my life, and was really enjoying life. I was slowly getting out of the debt the moved put me into, lived in a beautiful apartment a block away from Beverly Hill & about 1 miles south of West Hollywood. Santa Monica was 15 minutes away (with no traffic so really 45 minutes), and on a whim, we would go to Santa Barbara because we could.

Then COVID. And let me tell you, I lost everything. My job, my life savings, my 401K & IRA. I had to cash in everything to afford bills and rent. Unemployment didn't kick in for three months and when it did, the Monet went right out to pay off the bills I got into because of it. It seemed the best thing for us was to leave, and let me tell you, I WAS WRONG.

Leaving California was the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't say that as a hyperbole. I have made many mistakes in my life but none had the trajectory changing affects this. Now back on the East Coast, I am faced with daily reminders, several times a day, as to why I left. The people are rude & arrogant, the roads are terrible, and the cost of living isn't much cheaper. Not to mention the level of opportunities is none existent compared to California. Why did I do this? Why did I allow myself, in a moment of mental desperation & depression, to be manipulated in thinking moving back to be near friends & family was for the best.

It wasn't. And there is no amount of conceiving to tell me otherwise. Things are good? Sure. For the people who settle for what they can get. I don't want that. I don't want to settle. I want my old life back. So universe, I'll put this energy out there. Get Raul & I back to California, back to our home, as soon as possible! We really need it. We are not going to last out here. Between his depression & my own, we have never been more miserable. Please help. Anyone. Please.

Love,

David.

[dailyj0rnal]

Ripped Bods with Warpped Personalities

Today's entry will more of a rant to the gay community. Not against the community, but addressing the insane body dysmorphia forced upon us. By the men who post constant body pictures on social media known as "thirst traps". Ranging from "really liking my new phone" while in their underwear displaying their abs and pecs to actually showing off their bodies with captions like "making progress" to "f*ck me".

Now I understand wanting to be proud of who you are. I understand the work that goes into working out and the discipline practiced, but to CONSTANTLY show it us, shove it in our faces, and then also judging others for not being as disciplined is disgusting.

Someone actually said to me "you're just jealous because you don't look this way". This person is no longer in my life but it has always stayed with me. I spent years hating myself because I thought I really was jealous. But I don't think I'm ugly, or my body isn't good, but I was trained to think that.

Many people don't know this about me. And I feel confident enough to say it out loud now, but for several years, and I mean several years, and even to this very day, I have struggled with anorexia. At one point weighing in at 98 pounds at the age of 19. And successfully maintaining said weight for an extended period of time. I tried working out and building muscle but food was the enemy. Food was something to be scared of because it meant calories. Calories meant fat. And fat meant that I was not worthy of being felt up by a stranger because in our world, gay men only get their validation form strangers.

Guys on apps like Grindr & Tinder won't even respond to you unless your body fat count is under a certain percentage. If you aren't an exact height, weight, or is you bubble butt isn't bubbly enough. Like shopping on Amazon, we are no longer looking for connections but nearly objects of our desires.

I can apply this philosophy to all genders & sexual orientations. It doesn't apply to everyone but no one can say at a certain point they have never judged someone based on their looks. I am guilty of it myself. But to constantly rub it in people's faces is wrong. SO to the guy who said I was jealous, FUCK you. I am not jealous. I am not jealous of your narcissistic, inflated ego, preening views of yourself. I am not jealous on how you put people down constantly using your pecs as a weapon. I am not jealous of how you make other men trying their best to look good feel like they are less than perfect. And further more, I am not jealous of you you train other men with low self esteem that they only way to feel good is to look good.

So many of us need support, love, acceptance; and none of that should be predicated on one's ability to perform an ab crunch.

RANT. OVER. And do I feel better for it.

[dailyj0rnal]

A daily reminder for myself... thank you!

[dailyj0rnal]

Day Three...

But should be day two. Yesterday was not a tough day, but I did get my first COVID VACCINE! I didn't feel any symptoms but that fatigue side effect was real. It was more of a tranquilizer shot more than anything else.

I'm trying to not let this slip under the metaphorical pile of "Projects Started, Never Finished". I am trying to write at least once a day because truly, I miss writing. I went to school for it, and over the past ten years works, life, and other obstacles had taken it from me. In large part because I allowed it. I'd like to be back into it. Really, I'd love to be paid for it. But then what annoying neon banner pops into my head; "What Would You Write About?"

In the world of blogging and bloggers, youtube influencers, everything about anything had been thought of. What original idea do I have? What can I bring to the table? What can people look at and say "Hey, I haven't seen that. This is good & original" (paraphrasing of course).

So here it is, an attempt to organize my goal for myself. And should you want to come along for the ride, I'd greatly appreciate it. Also any tips on how to make this page look more appealing, I'd also greatly appreciate the advice.

Thank you for reading. It really does help :)

Love,

David.

[dailyj0rnal]

#Truth

I’m a nerd. I’m a dork. I’m gay. And honestly, I am also a lot of fun. I love video games, music, wine & fine dining. I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and crippling debt.

[dailyj0rnal]

The Reason Why

I created this virtual journal as a way of hopefully discovering who I am and who I am supposed to be. There is no agenda. There is no psychological underlying reason beyond depression & anxiety which I have been diagnosed with both. I hope this journal is as helpful for me as it is to the reader. And most important, I hope it’s a way of saying “you’re not alone”.