depressedvibe

[depressedvibe]

Why couldn't he just tell me if he wanted me to leave...

Why couldn't he just tell me if he wanted me to stay...

[depressedvibe]

If I woould hurt myself right now and get myself into a critical state between life and..you know...

The next morning one would find me and get me into a hospital instead of just...letting me be - or not be in that case.

I hate that fact.

[depressedvibe]

I feel like crap right now. I've been sobbing for hours for absolutely no reason and I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now.

I know I'm not the only one feeling that way.

And I hate the thought that others feel that way too or even worse.

Someone is probably taking their own life right now. I kinda wish it was me

[depressedvibe]

I just painted my nails - can't eat until the polish is dry.

[depressedvibe]

Nevermind, I texted him again, deleted it again. Gosh - someone give me back my self-esteem and rational thinking

[depressedvibe]

Fuck

[depressedvibe]

I finally did it. I blocked him.

My stupid brain is still hoping that he'd write to me on another platform or just call me because I just blocked him on WhatsApp...

He probably didn't even notice and most definitely doesn't give a shit at all.

[depressedvibe]

The boy I got feelings for:

Him: doesn't answer for hours, keeps responding distanced and uninterested in any conversation and has a short temper. Is confused why I like him and responds to that with 'I don't know if I can have these kind of feey'

Also him: (we watched a movie together via discord and discussed which one to watch next. I say jokingly Fifty shades of grey because he mentioned the movie earlier in another context) No, we can't watch that because I can't touch you.

Seriously dude??? Are you interested or are you not?! Make up your mind please, I can't handle this shit much longer

[depressedvibe]

I struggle to think clearly.

My only crystal clear thought is: I want to die

[depressedvibe]

I feel like I have two options to give myself a false sense of control and keep me from getting hurt:

First, don't care about the people in my life.

Second, get rid of the people I care about.

I should probably do both and my therapist would recommend neither.

[depressedvibe]

I wasn't raped.

Because it's not rape if you don't say no

It wasn't consensual either but he didn't notice or he didn't care. I don't know.

The first experience of intimacy you still think about and blush secretly because you were clueless, shy and caring and you did it with someone you thought you loved...He took that away from me.

Instead he gave me a STD. Thanks

[depressedvibe]

Next time someone tells you how badly they suck... believe'em. They're probably right

[depressedvibe]

The boy I like...

I hurt him. I didn't mean to.

He tried hurting me in return.

My natural response: You wanna hurt me? Nice try, let me overshare. *tells stuff about the PTSD trauma* Now try again.

I'll be fucking hurt if he tries again. It's some kind of sick test. If he takes the chance I can at least get rid of him knowing that it's no mistake. The mistake would be trying in the first place.

The trauma-part of me wants him to hurt me and wants him to confirm my expectations.

The rational-part wants to get rid of him immediately without hesitation.

The emotional-part wants him to change.

[depressedvibe]

I told the guy I fell for.

I think he kinda avoided saying that he didn't feel the same. He talked shit about the distance and how that is too far and we both being mentally ill and found a billion reasons why we can't be anything but friends.

I wished he'd just say "sorry, I don't feel the same"

Then at least I could be hurt and get over it but like this... I can just hate the circumstances

[depressedvibe]

I kinda took acid yesterday morning.

At night the high reached its apex: my thoughts

I can't kill myself...why? *My dog came in*

Ohh fuck, that's why

[depressedvibe]

I kinda fell for a guy...

he smokes waaay too much weed, is kinda insecure, frustrated, suicidal, short tempered and says mean things he doesn't mean...

10 outta 10 huh, what a guy...

I don't even know why I like him but I kinda do

[depressedvibe]

"I either change my life completely or I'm dead in five years" is what my father just said.

My thoughts: Oh, he really is in a bad condition. Funny how he feels the same way I do but doesn't understand me in any way. What can I do to make his daily living less exhausting? Would I be sad if he'd die? At least I could kill myself too without feeling guilty.