diary-of-metanoia

[diary-of-metanoia]

Why can't I let go?

Some days, I feel like I am healed and moving on from my last relationship, but on other days, my mind traps me in a playground set within the landscape of my own delusions and fears. After my Ex stopped talking to me and basically said she was balancing her life out and just needed time for whatever but she still loved to hear about how I was doing, I would text every couple of days or so, and every once in a while, she would heart the text but never respond. That went on until weeks turned into a month, and my insecurities began to build every day. With every unanswered text, it became more and more clear to me that she was truly done having anything to do with me. My vision of a friendship where we would still be able to talk to each other without the intimacy or romance was finally something I was looking forward to but I was fooling myself with delusions. There was never going to be any friendship, her silence made that very clear but I was still too stupid to see how badly I had lost sight of reality.

Endless questions would run through my mind, endless scenarios would play out and my anger, resentment and frustration kept building until I basically asked her to tell me to leave her alone, that I would. She said since it seemed to be stressing me out so much, I should stop. She mentioned she was dating again and basically said I wasn't stable enough to handle that and she didn't think I was able to maintain a friendship, but she wished me the best. I should have left it at that, I wish I would have left it at that and accepted it, but I didn't because I am an idiot.

Obviously, I was crushed and in anger I said a bunch of stuff that I deeply regret, I called her a Coward and said that she was using me when we were together and that she never cared at all, I told her that she was a narcissist and a sociopath and made a complete lunatic of myself. I am probably the one that's acting like a sociopath. My pain came out in a long string of things through text and email that I regret ever writing let alone sending.

I burned the bridge, and since then, I have been obsessing over an apology email that I sent her after I had time to cool off and realize the madness of my actions. Yet, I still persisted in emailing and trying to get her to acknowledge that she read them, which did not work out. I have still not had any sort of confirmation that she read my apology or knows how bad I feel.

I know I should get over it and move on. I have literally spent HOURS praying to God to take it all away—the pain and emptiness, the loneliness. Every day I ask God to help me heal and move on from this, yet still, I cannot stop obsessing over speaking to her one more time and ending things off better. I am living in constant doubt now; does she hate me? Does she even care? Did she ever care? How much of what we had was real? Why couldn't she ever communicate? Why do I still care what she thinks? Endless Why's, that was the biggest issue to begin with, she never even had an explanation for why she suddenly shifted from one day talking about marriage and a vacation after I got her a passport to not thinking its going to work out. It was just a "feeling" she had that something wasn't right. Up to that point, we had honestly never even had any real fights or arguments. Looking back now I can see that's because she has a total fear of confrontation and saying uncomfortable things to people to the point where she just disappears..

All these things are spinning around in my mind, and I know that it's so pathetic that I am reacting this way. I know that, and I know that I should not be acting this way, but I cannot control the emotions; they just won't stop. My feelings are so out of flux now, and it feels like I am living in darkness some days. It feels like I was living in a cave my whole life until one day she came along and brought me out into a world of light and love, only to end up back in the cave again all alone, knowing that the light now exists just beyond the shadows of my cavern..

When she just kept on ignoring me, I began to believe that what we had never mattered and that she didn't care at all; it was all just a lie. And so, therefore, that must mean the person that I was when I was with her was a lie as well. While we were together, I discovered new heights of happiness, joy, and meaning to my life that I never thought I would be able to feel again after my daughter's mother and my addiction. It was the happiest I have ever been I think, and that in itself is depressing. The highlight of my life thus far lasted less than a year, and I am treating it like I am going through a divorce from a 30-year marriage or something.

There are moments when I see the big picture. I can feel that God's hand is on me and that His plans are higher than my plans, and that I know I can trust in Him for all things. But then there are days like today when I drive around for hours and hours, praying for some sort of sign, praying for wisdom and peace, literally begging God in tears for him to take all of these horrible feelings of insecurity, doubt, of not being enough, fears of never being lovable, fears that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone like this, fears that every time I open up my heart something like this is going to happen. On those days, I will sit in my car and wait for a sign, some sort of divine acknowledgment that God is listening; I will beg him for a sign, "Lord, I believe but help my unbelief"! I prayed that in my mind today over and over again, and I just sat there crying like a pathetic child.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea how this happened and how I got here. Before my ex and I got together, I do not remember being this miserable being single; I had self-confidence and was finally at a spot where I could love myself, and now I feel like I have lost that ability. It turns out that once again, I unknowingly associated my own self-love and the way that I felt about myself, and lifted that up and boosted those feelings off of how I believed she felt about me and how much I thought she was in love with me. When that crumbled, apparently, so too did my own self-worth and esteem, and I have been desperately trying to find it again.

I will continue to pray like I have been and try not to think about my ex, but when you try to tell yourself not to think about something, what do you usually do? It's like my own self-induced mental dungeon sometimes where the jailer knows just the right memories to pull up on screen to cause the most agony.

Here is the prayer that I wrote and recited to myself last night in my Prayer Journal :

What can I do O Lord to bring your presence closer to my heart?

Please take from me anything that is holding me back from full surrender

Take from me all that I am and replace it with all that your will demands

I give my life and my free will over willingly to the intervention and counsel of the Holy Spirit and heavenly divine influence

Lord I pray you uproot from me all that has taken root through seeds of doubt and cast them far from me. May your love shine down upon fresh seeds of humility and allow the ground to be fertile and the fruit to be good.

I give my life over to my understanding of what your love and salvation will mean for my life and the lives of those that I love.

Lord I pray that you take from me all impulses of my body and flesh. All mental pathways are yours to flood with wisdom and inspire great works in your name. Allow my life to become the evidence for others to know of your grace and mercy and the greatness of your love.

I turn all of my intentions away from distractions and towards the unity between my mind and spirit. I rebuke the traps laid by the enemy and all of his devices that are of this world. I pray you deliver me from evil plots and devil schemes.

I pray that warring Angel's protect my family and loved ones and watch over me and guard me from the influence of Sin. May my rebirth bring me into the fullness of your Plans for my life.

In Jesus name I Pray

Amen Written in a digital prayer journal 2-19-24

Here is the email that I have been pathetically obsessing over for the last couple days that I hoped would allow her to at least acknowledge my apology:

I don't know why I keep emailing you except that it makes me feel better thinking that you know I'm doing better and I'm not crazy and unstable.  I don't know why things happen the way they do but I still believe everything happens for a reason.  Once again you've helped me to see things within myself that should not be there, it's forced me to seek out the reason why I reacted the way that I did and why it was so hard for me to let go. I can be self-centered, overly assertive, ignorant, arrogant,  I have trust and abandonment issues I've obviously never dealt with.  All I know is that I'm learning more and going deeper to understand how to heal things within me that I never knew were injured. All those things emerged as anger, I never thought that I would have to deal with Anger like that again.  I thought that sort of Anger was long gone from my life but I realized that I just buried it. It forced me to take a really good look at the source of it all. I really hope you don't think I'm crazy , your opinion of me means alot and I know I damaged so much of our chance to be friends.   I just hope you know how sorry I am and how bad I feel , you were the first person to see all the good in me that others didn't and I appreciate every minute of time I had with you. Hope you're doing well Mama,  I hope some day we can have a healthy friendship,  you've helped me more than you will ever know. If you could confirm you read this it would make me feel a lot better knowing that all this was received and hopefully that you don't hate me. Keep shining

[diary-of-metanoia]