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[downslide-poetry]

cursed

what’s depression like?

it feels like you’re drowning,

lungs filling with cold salty water while everyone around you is breathing.

its like your brain is full of fog,

clouding every thought that enters your conscious.

it’s physically being exhausted every second of the day no matter how much sleep you get.

it’s like as soon as you feel some type of joy a knife stabs you in the back,

reminding you that you don’t deserve to feel anything but emptiness.

there’s no way you can explain it properly, because you don’t even understand it.

why do i feel like this.

what did i do to be cursed with this storm.

what insanity do i have to burn to feel the sun shine through the grey clouds in my mind.

when did the world decide to transform me into nothing but a problem.

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mentally sick

i skipped dinner tonight because i only feel pretty when i’m hungry,

i only feel some kind of worth when my stomach is cold and empty.

i love the feeling when i stand up to fast and see hundreds of stars,

living in this poor dying body that’s covered in scars.

as my bones slowly start showing all i feel is satisfaction,

in this skin that’s now a blue grey deathly complexion.

consuming any food now makes my stomach churn,

this will eventually kill me but i never seem to learn.

the fact that i’ve thought of doing hard drugs just to make me lose weight,

oh how sick my brain is now,

i can’t be helped,

it’s just far to late.

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cheater

imagine if you knew,

about all the shit i know about you.

you think i won’t find out, it’s kinda funny,

sorry but it’s a bit late now honey.

some people can’t keep their fucking mouth shut,

and now my favorite word to call you is slut.

you’re telling me you love me but you’ll fuck another chick?

now i’m the one that’s hurt because you can’t control your fucking dick.

i went to the ends of the earth for you, because i was genuinely in love,

this time i was happy, feeling blessed from above.

you said you loved me too, but i guess that was a lie,

you’ve fucked me over enough now,

time to say goodbye.

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my forever

there will always be that person you can’t help but love,

like a cursed little angel sent from above.

no matter how many long days will pass,

the feelings in your heart will continue to last.

years in the future you’ll still remember the little things,

like the way their eyes sparkle or the way their lips curl when they grin.

the way they held your cheek when they pulled you in for a kiss,

or the way they said your name with absolute bliss.

will you move on?  yes, but you’ll still never forget them.

they’ll forever be your diamond in the rough, your rare little gem.

you, my always love, you have a place in my heart,

a part that’s always yours, it has been since the start.

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fuck up

you’re hooked on the pipe,

you’re hooked on the powder.

i’ll keep screaming at you louder and louder.

you’ll give away everything for these fucking pills,

 you’re friends, you’re family,

please stop, it fucking kills.

you don’t want to see you’re loved ones get hurt.

but what you’re doing is hurting us.

all your actions have consequences,

but i guess we’re all just fuck ups.

i’m addicted to smoking, you your fucking ket,

your molly, your acid, your speed, what fucking next.

you told me you did heroin when you were fucking fifteen,

how could anyone imagine that,

 not even in your deepest darkest dreams.

we’re both sixteen and suicidal,

wow what a fucking life.

both addicts, both alcoholics,

damn we’re in a bit of strife.

i want to stop writing about you,

but you’re all that’s on my mind.

you’re so fucked up but for some reason,

i still see you as one of a kind.

three years ago when we started talking,

who knew we’d end up here.

if our younger self saw us now,

they’d probably just stare in fear.

i wish i could fucking hate you,

so i’d stop caring so much.

but it’s impossible,

i mentally can’t think bad of you,

even though you’re such a fuck up.

,

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ketamine

my head burns from the inside out,

why the fuck do i still like you.

i hate myself for it without a doubt,

i’m confused and don’t know what to do.

you’re so bad for me and that is a fact,

it’s so very wrong but i want you in my bed.

the light in my eyes are now broken and cracked,

they only shine for you even when they look dead.

why do i love someone addicted to ket,

plus who knows what other shit.

i’ve seen you on trip, dripping in sweat,

even you know it’s bad, but you still can’t admit.

like when you refuse to tell me what you’ve taken,

or play it off as a stupid little joke.

imagine if you’re mum knew, she’d be broken,

but you’ll still puff down on any type of smoke.

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home

sometimes home is a house,

but other times it’s a person.

their embrace the walls,

their kiss the ceiling.

their eyes a warm fireplace,

their love silk bed sheets. 

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my addiction

i miss you, the truth is i really really do,

but honestly i don’t know if i want you to miss me too.

you’re like a disease dressed as a day-dream,

you make me so happy but you’re killing me it now seems.

i know deep down you’re so very bad for me,

but you’re my anti-depressants,

the drugs i get for free.

speaking of drugs, you like them too,

it’s been sad watching you as addiction grew.

all this once scared me,

but now i’m used to it,

oh you did cocaine on the weekend?

i thought you said you quit.

i have my pills and you have yours,

but mine are prescribed and yours show your flaws.

mine i get from a doctor, yours a dealer,

you unconscious in my lap made it all so much clearer.

ecstasy laced with heron you eventually told me,

you nearly died that night,

you were so fucked up,

it was easy to see.

eyes like dinner plates rolling to the back of your head,

i’ll never forget that sight, 

till the day i lie dead.

“why on earth would you love someone like that?”

i gave him my heart and he just never gave it back.

the drug i’m addicted to is trapped in another’s’ soul,

he may be fucked up but my heart he once stole.

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disordered

i want to stop writing about my eating disorder,

but that’s the thing with eating disorders,

it infects your every thought.

i don’t even know what to write about it anymore, 

but i need to,

because it’s killing me,

mentally and physically.

well i say it’s killing me but i already feel like i’m dead.

feeling like i’m dead?

may as well look the part right?

i will be my own success story.

it’ll be a never ending novel of blank pages,

but you’ll feel the pain, the indescribable pain.

i know for a fact if i never recover i’ll die,

but sadly,

i’m ok with that.

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this body

i gaze into my mirror, 

viewing the body i despise so much.

i dream to be sick, to have collarbones so sharp they cut glass.

rivers and caverns between each rib.

chest bones like beautiful armor,

protecting my already shattered heart.

glide my fingers across my prominent hip bones.

i get high off the feeling of my graveyard insides,

empty and dying.

the feeling of drinking cold water on an empty stomach.

the coolness falling into the pit of my being.

the control of choosing a meal of iced coffee and cigarettes over anything else.

oh the control,

the power i have over this body.

it’s as addictive as cocaine,

the kind that doesn’t cost me a cent.

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cigarette

as i press a cigarette against my lips,

it calms the pain left behind by every person i cross.

a droplet trickles down my translucent cheek,

drawn out by every behind back comment,

forgotten invitation,

not even second choice.

i find peace being on my own now,

that way there’s no one to disappoint me.

the pain i feel hurts me a million times more than the burn of a cigarette ever will.

i’d rather suffocate on smoke than take another breath of fresh air.

i’d rather drown in my own sadness than open my heart to another person.

i’m broken and confused,

i just want to go home,

but now,

home doesn’t even feel like home anymore.

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heartbreak

heartbreak isn’t beautiful, it’s straight hell on earth,

the one person you love, makes you forget all your worth.

but no matter how they break you, they still seem so pure,

like you’re infected with a disease, and only they hold the cure.

you’ll be screaming at the wall at 1 am alone,

all you want to do is pick up the fucking phone.

call them and it was all a dream, a nightmare in fact,

but in reality it’s over, they’re gone, they’re never coming back.

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calories

numbers, numbers on my mind,

counting, counting all the time.

stay under 1000 my brain always tells me,

you will be beautiful then, just wait and you’ll see.

food is evil always remember that,

the urges will come but always fight back.

so what if i get sick, that i’ve always said,

because as long as i’m beautiful it’s ok to be dead.

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butterflies

feelings for you will for sure be the death of me,

heart beating, blood bleeding, wishing you could see.

the love manifests deep in my soul,

convince myself that i was done after all.

but they’re still there, those little butterflies,

flickering and fluttering far down inside. 

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new

it’s finally over, time for a new beginning,

maybe this way i’ll end up in winning.

hold the medal above my head,

surviving another day, not ending up dead.

coming out alive of this war i fight as one,

make it to tomorrow, see the rising of the sun.

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flatline

no light, no sound, complete darkness.

i try, and try, and try i guess.

ready to pull the plug, let the water run,

sleep forever, never see the sun.

let the sound ring out, my pulse starts to slow,

flat-lining, floating, heading back home.

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friend

i have a friend, he has no name,

his silent words make me feel insane.

you wouldn’t know him, or maybe you could.

if you are in contact with him i’m so sorry, he can be very misunderstood.

always there behind my back he follows me,

stalking like a psycho killer only i can see.

he is always there even when i’m sitting,

the shower floor leaving an imprint on my thigh,

i’ve tried everything to make him go away but he won’t so i continue to lie.

he tells me to do things i wish i wouldn’t,

pleading to him please don’t make me i know that i shouldn’t.

taking his razor sharp claws, he rips open my skin,

as the crimson blood starts oozing, he just sits there and grins.

all this pain and blood makes me feel alive,

pulling me back to reality while i continue to feel dead inside.

end of each day i crash down on my bed and cry,

looking around in a haze caused by my bloodshot eye.

my friend he’s still there even on my happiest days.

i tell him to leave me alone but he still chooses to stay.

it’s like an abusive relationship, like i’m locked in a cell,

on the outside, i look completely fine, no one can tell.

everyone thinks i’m happy which is good because inside i’m dying.

i thought i was getting better but apparently not,  i just gave up on trying.

i’m like this because if my friend who won’t leave,

constantly showering me in the type of love i wish i wouldn’t receive.