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[earthxkeeper]

*sigh*

[earthxkeeper]

Movie Love

Does true love exist? Some might argue that it doesn’t, for they have seen people in love turn into each other’s worst enemies. But I, like many others, also believe that they simply didn’t find the right one. Even if they’re old and eighty and might not be looking for love, those people find love in other things. 

But like me, almost everyone wants to have that one person, the best friend, the lover, all rolled in one. And while movies give us unrealistic expectations of love, I like to believe that it does not have to be unrealistic. After all, those movies did emerge from something, didn’t they? Besides, you do keep hearing of people who found their soulmates, their one true love, their movie love. And that makes your heart a little more hopeful, that one day, you’ll have a story as grand and romantic as theirs. 

Where am I going with this? I do not know, but take it as the sign you’ve been waiting for. 

To ask out that person you like. To leave that toxic relationship. To fix things with the person you know is your movie love. 

Take this is as a sign that tells you that you deserve all things warm and bright and beautiful. And while that may seem like a bit of a stretch, that it won’t happen, that you won’t find your soulmate, that you got rejected and it seems like the end of the world, I’m gonna go ahead and tell you the most cliched line to exist: there is something better in store for you. 

Sure, you might not like to believe in that right now, but don’t you think it’s so exciting? That in this life that you have lived yet, “the best thing ever” has yet to happen. That whatever you think is the best that has happened to you will feel minuscule compared to what is coming. 

In the same way, your grand movie love is yet to come, and if you have already found it, I envy you while also being tremendously happy for you. 

Believe in love and its glory of it. The magic of it. The delight of it. Because one day, it will happen to you. You will find your soulmate and they would have found you and then you would live happily ever after. 

[earthxkeeper]

Just a Dream

I was asleep. It was just a dream. I know because I’d decided to sleep early that night. It had been a hectic day.

As I drifted off I found myself in a playground. The sun had almost set, the sky was the dark shade of blue before it all went dark. There were three people with me and they weren’t speaking to me. They’d get up and follow me to whatever slide I went to next. In complete silence. I thought it was weird, but I shrugged it off. It was just a dream.

I went out the playground gate, for it was time when an old friend of mine would come back from his run. And sure enough, there he was, running down the gravel path. I smiled. A familiar face in this place seemed really nice. We talked all the way back home, old memories surfaced up and it all got a little nostalgic. We went inside a building, where he paused before entering and said, “the leaves are rustling”. I looked around, the sky was calm and there wasn’t a single leaf turning. I let it go. It was just a dream.

We entered and I met two more of my friends. The four of us together in the seventh grade had been the best group ever. We all caught up on stuff and it was time for me to head home. The three of them took me to the stairs and then he said it again, “the leaves are rustling”. The other two made no heed of it, so I didn’t either. It was just a dream.

The next thing I knew I was out in the building’s verandah and he was the only one who escorted me out. I waved him goodbye and opened the gate and went outside. He said, “the leaves are rustling” and turned around and left. And then it happened. There was a sudden wind and the leaves rustled. I heard metal creak. I looked back and saw that the gate had swung open when I had most definitely shut it. I closed it again and turned around to leave. It was just a dream.

The lights had been switched on in a room in a house across. There was a clear silhouette of someone standing in the window. I hurried down the street. It was just a dream.

I reached my house. It was around 3 am. I opened the gate in a rush. The wind blew again. The leaves rustled. And sure enough the gate was open. In the house across, a lady was walking quickly back and forth. I shouted towards her asking if everything was alright. She didn’t respond. It was just a dream.

I went into my house. I saw a little girl standing in the hallway. I walked towards her. She didn’t move. I slowly raised my hand. She didn’t flinch. She was staring in one direction. It was just a dream. So I touched her shoulder. There was a loud bang and I woke up in my bed, sweating profusely. It had been a dream.

Then why was I hearing all the doors in my house creaking all at once? Why was my hand burning from where I’d touched her shoulder? Why could I hear someone walking towards me with quick, heavy steps? Why was the light in the spare room switched on?

If it had just been a dream, why could I hear the leaves rustling outside my window?

[earthxkeeper]

Know your worth

So here’s the thing. Stop being the only person in the relationship who tries to fix things and the other person just shrugs it off. Stop being the person who caves in and apologises, while the other person manipulates you with their words and plays the victim. Life is too short to worry about things other than your well being and your health and your happiness.

This person can’t admit to themselves when they’ve done something wrong, they turn stuff around and blame you and you think it’s your fault and you feel like a terrible person when you’ve already beaten yourself enough with your own thoughts. When the thought first strikes you as being wrong, it makes you doubt yourself and who you are as a person. But then you finally regain some self esteem and think that maybe you’re not such a bad person after all, and you let yourself be vulnerable to the other person, hoping they’ll understand. But they don’t. And you’re shattered inside. As you watch them get angry and you try to explain and explain and explain. But words fail when you’re wrapped up in emotions and you just want things to go back to as they were. So you cave. You apologise. Just so that person, who’s not at all bringing out the best in you, can stay in your life. Who’s hurt you, maybe even unknowingly (because you want the comfort of the thought that they’re as good as you thought they were), doesn’t leave you because they’re the only emotional support you have?

What worth is this “support” when it’s constantly hurting you. Instead of being proud of you for accepting a few shortcomings, they joke about your vulnerabilities and your insecurities. Is this what you think you deserve? Because let me tell you. It’s not.

Even as you read this, you have exactly the person in mind. You know I’m right but you still can’t give up on them. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to choose yourself instead of someone who’s completely selfish.

Maybe distance yourself. Maybe take out some alone time and really think about it. Maybe watch a standup. Maybe just take a nap. Or maybe write a paragraph about how you’re feeling at 2:57 in the morning.

[earthxkeeper]

Till Death Do Us Part

It had started to rain by the time we reached home. All of the sadness was forgotten for a quick moment. But the moment passed as quickly as it came. My five year old brother voiced out what everyone was thinking, “If dad were here, he’d make us hot chocolate.” My mother burst into tears. It was too much for her poor heart. They’d married young, a couple straight out of a movie screen. My grandmother went into her room and came out with a shoebox. A shoebox filled with millions of photographs of my father. I picked one up and there he was twenty or so smiling at the camera big and wide. My grandmother glanced over and let out a laugh. She went on to tell us the story behind the picture. “Of all things in the world Dylan absolutely loved getting his picture clicked. But this one was special. It was the day he’d asked your mother to marry him and of course she’d said yes. He was a keeper,” she said as she wiped away the tears streaming down her face, “We couldn’t hear the end of it. He went down to each last detail of how the ring didn’t fit and your mother getting conscious and then him telling her that he loved her with all his heart and soul and she was the most beautiful and stunning woman he’d ever laid eyes on. My mother was smiling as her eyes shone with tears which showed no signs of stopping any time soon.

We went back to pictures of the day he died. We’d all gone for a picnic in the park. It was my mother’s idea. She said it had been since forever that we’d spent time together as a family. And I’m glad she thought of it for who knew this would’ve been the last time we’d all be together again. She wore her pearls. Her very best. She rarely took them out of the case. All of us looked our best and posed for a hundred photographs that day. I pointed out to my mother that a pearl was missing from her necklace in a few pictures. The pearls being a gift from my father, I expected her to be devastated but she didn’t seem too fazed. I let it go and focused on our happy pictures. It had been an absolutely delightful day till things went downhill. The doctors said it was probably a stroke. That a sudden rush of happiness can take a man’s life. The autopsy would come in a few days. All of us went to bed after that, tired but our minds afresh with happy memories of his last day with us. I dozed off to sleep as my thoughts of him turned into dreams.

It came in the mail this morning, the autopsy report. I opened it up, expecting it only to be a written confirmation of his death being caused by a stroke, at least he died being his happiest.

But in bold letters it said-

POISENED

My heart clenched as I read on, “A pearl found in the stomach, with traces of cyanide.”

[earthxkeeper]

The rainbow

I went for a walk through the woods. I’d cried myself to sleep the night before. I needed a little me time. Time to talk to myself and be there for myself.

It was around six am. The sun was out and you could even see the moon. As I went in a little deeper, I saw a tiny blue butterfly fly around a beautiful white flower. Instinctively, I reached for my phone and then stopped myself.

I was going to keep these memories to myself, in my mind.

There was a little song that a bird was singing. A mellow tune. I stopped and closed my eyes to listen. It seemed like the bird sang even louder.

Just for me.

It started to suddenly drizzle and I raced back to my house. As I was nearing the street, I looked up. The sun was still out while it rained and there was a huge rainbow, right through the clouds. I stood on the spot and looked up at the breathtaking view, soaking myself in the process.

It was worth it.

I was smiling to myself the entire time till I reached home, forgetting what had kept me awake the night before. Realising how it really was nothing. That the hurt is what makes happiness so magical.

And how getting completely drenched to see the rainbow was magic.

[earthxkeeper]

Promise

And one morning you’ll wake up and everything will be better. The sun will shine through your window the same way it does everyday but this time you’ll notice. Your mom will shower down the same amount of love on you like she does everyday but this time you’ll return the warmth. Your younger brother will come running down the stairs to give you a hug which he does each day but this time you’ll hug him back. You’ll listen to some nice, happy music but this time you’ll really listen and finally feel what the words are trying to express. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror but this time you’ll notice the beautiful person staring right back at you. You’ll see that one day it’ll all be over and you’re not living in that phase anymore. You thought that better times would never come, but here they are. Here they are right now. You thought that this will never end, but it did and you’ll be living your best life from now.The better times are going to be worth every bit of the struggle. Just wait a teeny tiny while longer. You’ll see exactly what I mean. It’s going to be the greatest feeling in the world and you’ll fall in love with it. Walk a little bit farther. It’s just round the corner.

I promise.

[earthxkeeper]

You are your own person. 💕

People, are never worth it. The love you give them. The kindness you give them. The time you give to them. They will never ever be worth it. No one can ever love you more than yourself. Ever.

Maybe unintentionally but every single person on this planet can hurt you. Maybe your closest friend or your lover for that matter.

Never get too attached. Being attached means expecting too much. Which leads to being sad. No one wants to be sad.

Your first priority should always be yourself. You should be excited to see yourself in the mirror each morning. Burst with pride whenever you achieve something. Write for yourself. Dress yourself up. Learn to love yourself. You are a masterpiece and you should never doubt yourself.

You are beautiful.

[earthxkeeper]

Someday

Let's run away. Away from this world. Where it'll only be us. Where the flowers will be forever dancing to the nightingale's tune. Where I write and you play and we live our dreams. Where the sunflowers will never droop for the sun will always be shining. Where no one will ever bother us and we will be free. Where there will be a permanent rainbow in the sky peeking through the clouds. Where nothing can and nothing will ever separate us. Where butterflies of every colour will surround us. Where neither you nor me will ever be sad. Where the ocean will be the brightest blue and the corals will be the pinkest. Where we will be together always. Where the trees will be tall and laden with fruits. Where we write our own story and live how we like. Where the birds fly across the sky in an endless swarm. Where we are truly living and truly alive. Someday, We'll run away.

[earthxkeeper]

A Wish

I'm standing on the shore, breathing fresh air. I look out to the horizon as the wind plays with my hair and the velvet sand sinks under my feet. The sunlight glistens on the water and I smile. I belong here. The waves seem to sweep me away with them. They seem to be calling me. And I listen to them and dive. I'm submerged in complete silence. A silence so profound, I can feel each breath I take. And for once, I don't regret breathing. I don't regret living. I don't regret running away. Because here, I am truly alive. Truly aware of each moment. And truly grateful for this life. Fishes of every colour swarm around me as I swim deeper into my haven. Pink corals surround me and the blue of the ocean wraps me within its glorious beauty. I emerge from the water. Breathless. Just in time to see the orange sun bidding its goodbye. How can a world with so much evil have such beautiful things? I go back into the water and wish for the millionth time. Wish, that I were a mermaid.

[earthxkeeper]

Suicide Note

They say I am a reflection of my grandmother. Almond eyes and fuller lips. My grandmother, who’d swallowed enough pills to leave the world. She was full of life, they said. Didn’t know what went wrong. And so I wonder,

Is it only our faces that were alike? Or is it everything within us.

Do I seem full of life? I guess I do. I do a great job hiding it.

The dark thing which is taking over me, did it overcome her too?

Was she as good at faking smiles as I was?

Did she cry herself to sleep every night? Afraid that someone will hear?

Was every morning she woke up filled with dread?

The day she finally did it, after thinking about it for ages, was it the day she finally felt free?

I’m finally going to meet her. I guess I’ll find out.