emluvirzo

[emluvirzo]

I am an Investment — Regulus Black

i am an investment,

for i am the heir and not the spare,

i cannot breathe nor can i dare,

like a songbird — with it’s vocal chords stripped,

i cannot fly, for my wings are clipped.

i am an investment,

for dividends are expected,

there is no room to fail,

or i shall be disconnected…

i am an investment,

the golden child — the star meant to shine bright,

burnt by its own flame overnight,

for i am meant to be the redeeming light,

the one meant to save us all from blight.

i am an investment,

i am to be grateful for what i am given,

forced to keep my desires and aspirations hidden,

for i am to salvage the mess,

be better than the rest.

it is expected of me,

for i am an investment.

‿̩͙⊱༒︎༻♱༺༒︎⊰‿̩͙

[emluvirzo]

drop me some prompts for a fics/os!

any marauder ships or x-readers are welcome !!

[emluvirzo]

Hello there! I would love to read a cute Sirius x reader OS where they end up in detention together. They don't really like each other but get closer and closer...

Hope that sounds interesting to you as well :)

Thanks in advance💕

notes: hi ! so this definitely took a while for me to get to (so sorry about that) but here it is (pls have mercy, it has been so long since I wrote anything). i tried to compensate by making it detailed and lengthy. for writing sake, I tried to make the annoyance more on the reader's side, and Sirius his usual, charming self, enjoy <3 if you want a part 2 with fluff or just a continuation, then lmk !! word count: 3845 part 1 | part 2 (in prog)

The Trophy Room - Sirius Black x Reader OS (Pt 1)

The insufferable prat sauntered into detention like he owned the bloody place — mind you when he wasn't surrounded by the other idiots he called his friends, it was usually the first port of call for where to find him.

“Hello, stranger.” He said in a bemused tone, as though he were oddly pleased to find Y/N here, of course he’d be, the twat. She rolled her eyes in sheer displeasure, an annoyed and large exhale through her nose - an attempt to not rip her hair out or swing at his face (not that it would necessarily be a bad thing).

“Go away, Sirius.” She grumbled as he conveniently chose the other end of the back row Y/N was sitting at. The clock clicked quietly with every agonisingly slow second that passed as he mumbled a "Sorry, sorry, just trying to lighten the atmosphere." in that sing-songy, unfailingly insufferable tone of his, as her face burned up slightly, the blood pounding in her ears.

The door pushed open, and in walked Professor Minerva McGonagall, her lips pressed into a thin line, arms crossed as she walked in, though Y/N's eyes were practically burning a hole into the dent on the desk that her eyes had trained onto as a form of distraction from the black haired boy on the other end of the row.

"Miss L/N, Mr Black, please get up and bring your things with you." Her voice cut through the silence of the classroom. Which was shortly rebroken by hers and Sirius' chairs scraping against the floor as they both moved to stand, grabbing her bag from the floor in the process. Trying to block out Sirius' relentless pestering of McGonagall as they walked through the corridors to wherever the two were being taken for their task to detention proved to be a challenge. "Do you ever shut up, Black?" She griped, only loud enough for him to hear, which she also assumed he ignored or didn't hear at all as it didn't elicit a response other than the smirk on his face widening ever so slightly and he continued to pester McGonagall.

The torches on the wall flicked and danced in the blanket of winter darkness that filled the corridors of the castle, which Y/N took note of, it almost being a comfort to her as she walked in silence. But his voice continued to filter through her thoughts, the way his laugh bounced off the walls of the now narrowing corridors. How... frustrating. How frustrating that he was treating being guided to detention as an excursion. How he never took anything seriously, even in classes, but still managed to come out on top, or in the vicinity of it. Y/N subtly shook her head, an attempt to somehow clear her mind, as though shaking it would detract from the fact she was trailing behind him and McGonagall with what was a more than sour expression on her face.

They eventually came to a stop in front of a familiar room, the trophy room. She internally groaned, the dread filling every crevice of her body. Her hands were going to be dead by the end of it.

"- that's enough chatter from you this evening, Mr Black. Now, both of you are well aware of where we are." McGonagall gave them both a pointed look "You both know the rules. Have everything polished and done by dinner. I'm sure you're both exceptionally experienced by now and have learnt to do this efficiently. You in particular, Mr Black." To which Y/N saw Sirius' smirk widen into a wolfish, mischievous grin from out of the corner of her eye, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets, shirt untucked, tie loose around his neck, hair unfailingly messily styled. Sirius' eyes flicked over to Y/N, her own eyes instantly averting the minute she realised she may have been caught.

As McGonagall's footsteps echoed as she left Sirius and Y/N, an odd silence between them as they stood in front of the door. Sirius, with his bag slung casually over one shoulder, started to roll his sleeves up as he walked in first. She tailed him and chucked her bag into a corner as she rolled her own sleeves up, blissfully unaware of the weight of his eyes on her back as he leaned against the wall, between 2 of the trophy cases.

The silence filled the room as she opened the cleaning supplies cabinet, she grabbed a rag, throwing it over her shoulder and the polish spray, when she heard "I never took you for the eager type, L/N.". His voice was a lazy drawl, an almost amused lilt to his otherwise deep and smooth voice.

Her jaw clenched as she moved to the farthest trophy case, near the door, but despite her resolve, she shot back— "Well unlike you, some of us have better things to do and don't live in detention.". She didn't bother to look back at him as she opened the trophy case and pulled them all out, placing them safely on the floor. Y/N picked up a quidditch trophy from the floor first and started to work on it absent-mindedly, silently fuming that she was there, to begin with, internally monologuing how this was all Sirius' fault.

As she worked on the trophy, she noticed it had been awfully silent and she turned back to glance at him, where he was still leaning between two of the cases, but his eyes were trained on her.

"What're you looking at, Black? Don't tell me you still don't know how to polish? With your reputation, aren't you meant to have done this a million times by now?" She questioned, her face slightly scrunched up in both scrutiny and confusion, ignoring the way her eyes kept trailing down to his forearms. How stupid. Rolled up sleeves to not even actually do any work. Could he get any more obnoxious?

"'Course I know how to polish, L/N, I reckon I'm better at it than you are. I just prefer to supervise." He mused as he watched her eyes narrow, the frustration on her face obvious. However, he did notice how her eyes kept flitting to his forearms. A thrill of satisfaction ran through his body as his charming, lopsided grin made its way onto his face. He subtly flexed them, his veins rising slightly.

Her hand tightened its grip on the trophy, the other clenched into a fist around the damp rag as she glared at him, her eyes cold and unfailingly held his gaze. They stayed like that, their eyes connected across the room from each other as the air in the room crackled. They were at a stalemate as she was determined to win. They stayed like that for a solid 30 seconds as she watched Sirius' grey eyes flick through a cycle of emotions. Surprise, amusement, then finally, resignation.

"You've got an attitude, L/N, you realise that, right?" He mused as he sauntered towards the supplies cupboard, grabbed a rag of his own and sprayed some of the product onto it. He walked to the trophy case next to her, and opened it, putting all the trophies on the floor, the same way she did. She side-eyed him as she internally cursed him out, before she retorted back, rising to the bait "And what? You think you're Merlin's gift to wizarding society? You've got so much bloody attitude you could share it with the rest of the wizarding population and still have enough left over to remain an insufferable, stuck-up prat."

Sirius' shock, turned into a shit-eating grin "Oh yeah? That's what you think of me, L/N? An 'insufferable, stuck-up prat'? You do know how to wound my feelings, darling." He clutched his chest dramatically, as he kept glancing towards her, trying to gauge her feelings and reaction to his own dramatic display of antics, which despite her anger, was mildly amusing. She fought to keep her expression painfully neutral, though she couldn't quite stop the way her mouth slightly twitched upwards.

"You're not funny." She said curtly as she quickly stamped away any amusement she may have felt.

They settled into a comfortable silence as they worked, her eyes occasionally flitting over to him. Just to check his progress. At least that's what Y/N told herself, just to make sure he was actually polishing. She took note of the way he hummed familiar riffs under his breath, catching notes of certain lyrics, a lot of Queen and Bowie, she noticed. He had good taste. She'd give him that. The way his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly as he worked on a particularly dull plaque. The way the smell of polish filled the room as well as the smell of... leather, smoke... some form of oud...? The smell of his shampoo. She blinked rapidly a couple times as she realised what she was thinking and flushed slightly

"You missed a spot." He murmured as he leaned closer to her, causing Y/N to jump slightly at not only the sudden proximity, but the sheer surprise of him breaking the fragile silence.

"No, I didn't." She replied as she glanced at him, then looked back to the plaque, her eyes running over it just to confirm her own belief.

He said nothing, but with a graceful and swift move of his hand, swiped his rag over a spot, the metal gleaming under the candlelight that filled the room. "You were saying?" He raised an eyebrow, an amused smirk on his lips. He clucked his tongue, as he shook his head in mock disappointment "I thought I was meant to be a 'stuck-up prat'? Told you I was better at this than you." He gloated with mock cockiness. She looked up at him their faces now only separated by a few inches as he leaned down. His grey eyes locked onto hers as they glinted with amusement, that stupid smirk plastered onto his face.

"Pretentious, cocky arse, too." She grumbled, "Add that to the list of adjectives people would use to describe you."

The more she snapped back, the more Sirius tried to dampen the feelings of genuine hurt that stung, his smirk faltering. He knew he played up an act, a persona to everybody. That was very much part of his whole personality, what made him who he was to the rest of the school, nix James, Remus and Peter. He tried to keep the mask on his face but he faltered for a second when he heard her add the last bit. 'Add that to the list of adjectives people would use to describe you.'. He didn't understand why it stung so much. Sure he had shared classes with her for so long, but he'd always acted like this. This wasn't exactly new behaviour. The rest of his classmates found him amusing to some degree, but not her? Why not her? It confused him, how she was immune to it.

She felt instantly bad when she saw him withdraw and settle back into silence, a different type of silence this time. They continued to polish, making their way in a circuit around the trophy room. Sirius' quiet humming and mumbled lyrics stopped, the only sound was the occasional opening and closing of trophy cases, the clink of trophies against the glass shelves. The silence dragged on until they were both on the last 4 trophy cases, 2 cases each.

"Why do you hate me-" "I'm sorry-"

They stared at each other for a second, both their hands stopping any motion of polishing as they looked between themselves and the trophies they each held.

Sirius spoke up first before she could even process what he had asked her, repeating his question. "Why do you hate me so much, L/N?" which caused her to blink a couple times in shock. She couldn't tell if he was being serious but she gave him an answer anyway.

"You're so... unserious. About everything. About people around you, about your studies, about who you hurt in those stupid pranks of yours. You lack of consideration for others. Basic empathy. You're... you're arrogant and reckless. And... and... you're just an arse, okay?" She ranted, Y/N's chest rose and fell a little faster as she tried to catch her breath from the sheer speed at which she spoke.

"Our pranks don't hurt anybody unless they deserve it!" He replied defensively, his face now shaped into a scowl, his knuckles turned white from gripping the trophy so strongly.

"And who are you to decide that? You aren't a higher-up being. Just cause you come from the family you come from doesn't mean-"

He froze, and a white-hot rage burned through his body. It seared through him — nobody but his best friends knew about his family and home life. Sirius knew exceedingly well the stereotypes that followed his last name. The fact that Regulus was the pinnacle of what was meant to be 'The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black' didn't help his case. Especially since it had been spread around that his place as heir had been handed down to his younger brother, though it was kept under wraps as to why. "Finish that sentence. I dare you. Don't you dare bring my family into this. You know fuck all about me."

Y/N in her own rage, didn't see the warning signs, the way his pupils shrunk, his body language resemblant to that of a dog about to bite. "So tell me then- what makes you so special that you get to decide who gets to be the target of your and your friend's stupid pranks. They're childish and obnoxious and quite frankly, distasteful."

"What makes you so fucking special that you get to decide if they're childish or obnoxious? Cause from where we're standing, the only person who seems to have a stick up their arse about it is you."

"Yeah well, they're idiots too. Birds of a feather flock together, Black."

The air was thick with unsaid words, the anger heating what once was the ice-cold trophy room. She took a breath and tried to calm herself. She let her eyes trail over him, reading his body like a book. His silhouette was oddly familiar to her, from watching him slink in late to class, or from him being in her eyeline in their class' seating plans. His usually relaxed body was taut, tightly strung like that of a bow. Her heart sank and her expression faltered. She'd hit a nerve and she realised it too late.

"Sirius-" she started, the use of his first name unfamiliar to her tongue. Unusual, yet not quite unwelcome, her heart raced in her chest as she looked up at him, her head cocked ever so slightly to the right "I'm sorry. I didn't realise-" She tried again, but the words refused to come, tangled between thought and feeling.

Sirius took a step forward, opening his mouth to speak when the door to the trophy room aggressively swung open, revealing Filch.

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here." Filch delightedly wheezed as he leaned against the doorframe to support his weight. He stood there, his rounded frame prevented the light from the corridor from flooding into the otherwise dimly lit trophy room.

"Caught red-handed." He said gleefully, crooked yellow teeth beaming at Sirius and Y/N as the smell of mildew, dampness and sweat filled the room. "Detention won’t be enough this time. Oh no, I’ll see to it myself—proper punishments, the way things should be."

Y/N and Sirius' heads snapped towards the door at the sudden intrusion, their eyes flitting from Filch, then to each other, before Y/N spoke up in an attempt to pacify Filch, unaware of their close proximity to each other. "We're nearly done," She said quickly "We have these last few cases then we'll leave for dinner, Sir."

Her voice was steady, polite and practiced. Though Sirius was ignoring the exchange, uncaring of any threats of further punishment Filch threatened them with. Sirius' eyes never returned to look at Filch. For a fleeting moment, he forgot Filch was even there.

Instead, they remained trained on her, the flickering torchlight cast a warm glow across her face, adding a glow to her skin he had only ever noticed occasionally, like when she'd lounge by the fireplace in the common room, laughing with her friends. His frustration from earlier—the heat of his anger—seemed to melt away, tempered by something else entirely.

He wasn’t sure what it was. Only that looking away felt impossible.

"If you're not done by dinner, I'll make sure your second punishment is worse." Filch sneered, spittle spraying onto the floor.

Y/N gave a curt nod. They both watched as he huffed out of the room, the door slamming shut behind him. His grumbling echoed down the corridor, the sound seeping in through the crack beneath the door.

"Let's hurry up and get out of here. I don't fancy being stuck in another detention." She said quietly as she turned back to her trophy case.

She reached for her rag once more and instead found her fingers brushing against his, as he picked it up to hand to her, his gaze averted as he held it out towards her. A feigned nonchalance. She took it from him, muttering a quiet thanks. A fleeting touch—barely there, but enough to send a spark up her arm. He didn’t pull away immediately, nor did she. His fingers reluctantly released the rag and she slowly started to polish her trophy once more. Only now, she was under Sirius' gaze, a new curiosity had been sparked in him.

The act in itself now felt, awkward. Unnatural. The weight of his gaze was heavy on her shoulders, though she wasn't imagining it. He had gone back to leaning back against the wall, absent-mindedly and lazily polishing his own trophy, though his eyes were focused on her. He eventually gave up the pretense of polishing the trophy and instead just stared at her. He wasn't even pretending to work anymore. His gaze was no longer teasing, menacing, nor angry; instead it was thoughtful, almost considering, though his lips carried the same insufferable smirk she was well acquainted with.

"You’re staring," she murmured, not looking up from the trophy she was polishing, focused on a particularly difficult smudge that she was failing to remove.

Sirius tilted his head, his gaze unwavering. "You really don’t like me, do you?"

Y/N sighed, rubbing at it, getting progressively more frustrated with the fact it was unfleeting. "You make it very easy."

"And yet," he mused, watching her, "you almost sounded sorry earlier."

She continued to buff out the trophy, Y/N's eyebrows furrowed as she delved into her thoughts. After a moment, she spoke up "I am. About me making a jab about your family. It was a low blow." She sighed. "I'm not entirely sure what the deal is there — not that it's any of my business, y'know. Everybody has their own crap to deal with. It wasn't right of me to make an assumption. So yeah. I'm sorry, Sirius."

Sirius blinked, taken aback and caught off guard. Of all the things he’d expected her to say, that definitely wasn’t one of them. He had braced himself for another sharp retort, another exasperated sigh. Instead, she was… apologising. He didn’t know what to do with that. From what he had heard of her in passing from watching her, he knew she didn't apologise and not mean it.

His smirk faltered, just slightly, before he quickly pulled the mask back over and redressed his bravado.

"So you are sorry," his smirk widened as he tilted his head, and a glint of satisfaction flicked in the silver depths of his eyes. "And here I thought you just enjoyed taking the piss out of me."

She huffed, going back to her polishing. "I do." Though her eyes flit to meet his, a flash of amusement and what seemed to be warmth seeped through.

His lips curled. "Ah, well, that’s reassuring." He lazily ran a hand through his hair, letting it fall however he pleased. Annoyingly gorgeous. Could he get any more frustrating?

They lapsed into silence again, but this time it wasn’t thick with tension or resentment. It was… different. Warmer, somehow. As though the weight of any lingering resentment or confusion had been cleared. A breath of fresh air.

By the time 6pm rolled around, it was time for dinner and Y/N had finished polishing the last plaque. She let out a soft sigh of relief as she clicked the glass cabinet shut and lightly shook out her hands in an attempt to alleviate the cramp that she knew would inevitably set in. As she clicked the cabinet shut, Sirius stretched with a lazy groan, arms high over his head. His shirt lifted just slightly at the movement, and Y/N forced herself to focus on anything but that. Anything but the slither of skin that was exposed.

"Finally free," he drawled, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Come on, then. I’ll walk you down." He slinked towards the door and opened it.

She glanced at him as she walked towards the door, one brow raised. "Is that a kind gesture I hear? I should pinch myself."

"Don’t be ridiculous," he smirked. "I’m just making sure you don’t go around badmouthing me again, or find another reason to label me an 'insufferable prat' before we even make it to dessert." To which she rolled her eyes at him and walked out, the sound of her footsteps bounced off the walls of the corridor. The tension still clung to the air between them. Y/N told herself she imagined it—that it was nothing. But then she felt it.

The faintest brush of his fingers against hers as they walked.

Sirius fell into step beside her, their shoulders barely brushing. It was an innocent touch, the kind that wouldn’t normally matter.

So why did it? It shouldn't... have an effect.

She begged her heart to stop racing and for her stomach to settle, playing it off as excitement for dinner. Nothing more. Surely not.

When they finally made it to the Great Hall, Sirius and Y/N stood and stared at each other for a second, glancing over at the spot where either of them sat, and discovered that today, their friend groups had merged, most likely as a result of the fact that one key member of each had detention. Y/N slid into her usual seat next to Lily, reaching for a goblet of pumpkin juice. Across from her, James nudged Sirius with his elbow, an exaggerated waggle of his brows.

"So. You two looked cozy coming in together," he teased.

Sirius scoffed, shoving a roll into James’ mouth before he could say anything else. "Eat your dinner, Prongs."

[emluvirzo]

thought i'd share one of my hcs abt sirius

[emluvirzo]

emluvirzo's fanfic master list

hi, my name is louise ! i write marauders fanfic for fun, my requests are always open, so pls flood me with them! <3

Key:

Fluff - ☁️

Angst - 🎶

NSFW - 🕺🏽

Humor - 🎤

Holiday - 🎁

Character Birthday Special - 🎸

For Writing Event/Prompt List - 🖋️

Last updated as of: 20/06/25

Marauders x Reader Fanfiction:

Sirius Black:

The Trophy Room (🖋️)

Remus Lupin:

N/A

James Potter:

N/A

Peter Pettigrew:

N/A

Marauder Ship fics:

N/A

Based off fanart:

The Heirs (🎶)

Scenarios/Poetry:

Sirius Black Is Complicated (Wolfstar)(🎶)

I am an investment (Regulus Black)(🎶)

Stories Coming Soon/TBA:

The Trophy Room (Sirius Black x Reader) - pt 2 !!

The Sun and Stars (Jegulus OS)

[emluvirzo]

gift - @wolfstarmicrofic - word count: 266

“Merlin, Remus!” Lily gasped as Remus pulled the paper away from the final gift in the sizable pile he’d been presented for his sixteenth birthday. “Who gave you that?”

But he was too busy gaping at the present in his hand.

It was a small, brown, leather-bound journal. It had gold accents and his name stamped on the bottom-front cover, with little animal footprints along the corners and up the spine– footprints he recognized all too well, since he and his best friends had been leaving them around the forest for months, now. As he opened the book, the crisp pages creaked slightly, and he found the inside to be laid with paper, each page with a number neatly printed inside a star. The very front page had the words ‘Moony’s Thoughts’ written in an elegant script, a little crescent moon penned next to them. The whole thing, though absolutely stunning, had the slightly-clumsy air of being clearly handmade.

And Remus was in love with it. “I…” he gasped, instantly knowing who it was from, but also knowing that it had been left without a note for a reason. He looked up and met nervous gray eyes for only a moment before he looked back to Lily. “Someone very special,” he murmured, trying not to blush scarlet.

But as James and Peter yelled out with matching catcalls, accusing Remus of being a secret ‘player,’ Remus was too focused on Sirius’s reaction to care.

And, just as he knew it would be, the other boy’s thrilled smile at his words was well-worth a few hours of teasing.

[emluvirzo]

before getting a cat lily jokingly suggested that they should get a puppy instead, causing sirius to speak to her in only sighs and pouts for weeks. to make matters worse, james took sirius to the pet shelter to look at puppies that they could adopt. remus was no help either, for he bought two dog tags and handed them both to sirius, saying one for you and one for your replacement.

[emluvirzo]

he'd definitely show up to his exams jacked up on caffeine (from chugging anything with it inside) and write at godspeed, finish his exam at LEAST 10 minutes early and still get an O. He would promptly make his way out of the exam and towards the common room and crash out on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

I feel like Sirius also had a natural talent for academics, which is why he was able to get away with it, as well as the fact that he was a nerd on the down-low.

"Sirius who never touched a book in his life" my dude, he asked for a crossword puzzle. In jail 😭

[emluvirzo]

marauders polaroids, thus far

Dunno if I'll post the standalone/non polaroid versions of these here but if you are curious they are up on twitter and Instagram (I think). It feels great to see all my work spread out like this! some are signed some aren't because I am inconsistent. And you are allowed (and encouraged!) to print these and pretend you're a part of the gang if you like.

Looking forward to doing more of these! If you have any ideas shoot them my way, currently working on a lily one, a wolfstar one, and another sirius haha

and a collage for fun

[emluvirzo]

i am a strong believer in the fact that Sirius was incredibly smart but despite never actively trying, knew when to pull it together for exams and ended up getting excellent grades (it confused rem and peter to no end)

"Sirius who never touched a book in his life" my dude, he asked for a crossword puzzle. In jail 😭

[emluvirzo]

hashtag correct marauders

facetime with the mauarders always goes something like this

remus is in bed but somehow looks fucking amazing??? like ethereal???? and he’ll sort of just space out the entire call and read a book or something

he’s secretly staring at sirius

sirius is doing some form of self care, and always has his hair in various hair rollers and/or ponytails which makes for some great facetime photos

james is almost always in his living room or in his kitchen osomething and effie and monty will always butt in and be like “hey boys!! 😁💕” like his phone is always propped up against something

peter is the LIFE of that facetime call, he’s making jokes with james and taking ALLLL the facetime photos to use as blackmail. he’s like the sturnlio triplets if they merged into one person

[emluvirzo]

The screams of pain, and terror had finally stopped, the thuds of aggressive thrashing on the hardwood floors that filled the air were instead filled with nothing but silence. The only sound echoing from the house coming from the front room an hour later when the door slowly opened and softly clicked shut, slightly sluggish and heavy steps echoed down the hallway and started up the staircase, where Sirius sat on the landing, his fingers tangled and clenched in his hair, rocking back and forth.

When Regulus stood at the foot of the stairs, he finally pulled himself together enough to lift his head to look at him, his eyes heavily bloodshot and wide. The shock never went away. Not when it came to his baby brother.

"Worry about yourself." Regulus spat as he shoved Sirius' outstretched hand away, his fingers spasming as the aftershocks wracked through his body.

Sirius' eyes were an almost caress on the younger boy, doing what his hands ached to do. He took note of the gaunt look on Regulus' face, the greyness that sank well below his skin — skin on bone. The residual dark magic poured off Regulus like it was oozing out his pores.

"I was just making sure you were okay." His voice broke slightly, a defeated expression on his face.

heirs

[emluvirzo]

dare i say remus

Embarrassed myself a few days ago and since then I've been periodically going like this

Ignore the part where he gets naked that's not part of it.

[emluvirzo]

the type of song prongsfoot would cook up in a studio

in absolute tears about the pride module at my work

[emluvirzo]

getting over my fear of drawing sirius

[emluvirzo]

Sirius Black is complicated.

tw: mentions of self-starving and self-harm

Sirius, who vied for loyalty and stuck to his morals like cement, despised himself when he made a mistake and for a split second, became the thing he despised most. He became what he feared. 

Sure, before Remus he was…. A Casanova of sorts, a heartbreaker. But when he finally got with Remus, it felt as though he hung the stars and moon and nothing could ever come between them. So when he was slowly getting manipulated and missing the vital signs from lessons he had learnt long ago — the shocking realisation came crashing down on him. The guilt filled his chest and his stomach. He had never written back to that witch. After he realised what he had done and what had happened, even though the witch still tried to contact him, he never wrote back. But the guilt…. The memories he had were warped like he had responded. It turned into a form of gaslighting himself. He so desperately tried to remind himself he never sent letters back, regardless of what his memories were telling him. Starving himself as punishment. Using a paddle brush to slap down on his forearms. The pain gave him relief. Gave him a way to punish himself for what he had done to Remus. He hadn’t written back. He hadn’t written back. He hadn’t written back. 

He wished a memory erasure machine existed. Some form of hypnosis. Or a Time Machine — sure time turners existed, but accessibility was an issue. He felt sick. He couldn’t eat… his hands were a shaking mess. It was a lot of internal self loathing and disgust, with no outlet, no place to go. How was he meant to cope when the one person who he never wanted to do any harm to ended up being the person he has hurt the most? 

After everything, all the self development, he still managed to fuck up with the one person who meant everything to him. That made him sick. He wasn’t sure if it was doing Remus a disservice by not breaking up with him after everything that had been done. Even though they loved each other too much not to. 

If Remus would be happier with somebody else. Remus was perfect…. Is perfect. He should be with somebody who isn’t a mess. But, it’d make Sirius sick to see him with somebody else. It was selfish of Sirius, but he knew he could be better. A better version of himself now that it has all happened. Maybe if they broke up in order to heal both of themselves then come back together a little later on down the line? But that would be crazy. He couldn’t lose Remus, not now and not ever. 

Sirius Black is complicated. 

He is a mess. He, for a second, became what he loathed the most. He hates himself for it. How can somebody allow themselves to be manipulated into a person they never would be otherwise? After everything. It makes him sick. And he will never be able to forgive himself for it. Never. 

But that’s good in a way. Good that he’ll never forgive himself for it. He doesn’t deserve to be. He doesn’t deserve Remus’ kindness. But oh, how he craves it. 

He can’t bask in the warmth of Remus’ kindness without the pain of the sunburn. The guilt making him feel drowsy and sick. It’s the worst Sirius has felt in a very long time. He doesn’t know how to cope with that. With the fact that he is the sole reason for being a fuck up. For being naive and stupid and letting himself be manipulated.  He felt as though he didn’t deserve to live. Not after this. Yes, extreme, but he felt it was wildly deserved. He felt he deserved it for becoming unrecognisable for a split second. For allowing himself to be warped. To be damaged, and to damage Remus. 

To have Remus’ family hate him after all the progress and kindness may have been Sirius’ final straw. The fact that his stupidity had caused not only damage to Remus but also to Sirius’ relationships with Remus’ family… amplified the guilt. The internal self-hatred.

But he couldn’t lose remus. He couldn’t just be best friends. He’d miss everything. The nicknames. The care. The soft voice only reserved for him when they were alone. He felt sick at the idea of another person receiving that. Being with him. It’d be psychological torture. Though maybe he deserved that. 

Sirius black is complicated. 

[emluvirzo]

I hope you forgive me for ruining everything