exgaytherapysurvivor - Tumblr blog

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

“I’ve never been sexually assaulted in a drag show, but I have been in church. Twice.” — local Tennessee mom Jessee Graham GOES OFF on far-right extremists banning books & targeting LGBTQ+ human beings. God is not pleased.

She's a great ally.

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Holy shit yes

I don't get why there are no resources for healthy expressions of anger. Are we as a society fundamentally opposed to people feeling anger? Are we afraid that if people get angry they're going to cause destruction so as an alternative we want anger to just not exist? Anger will go somewhere regardless of whether we want it to exist or not, and if a person who has good reasons to be angry, is not allowed to feel angry, they'll get eaten by self hatred and depression because that's what internalizing anger does.

It's also interesting that when abusers and people in power are angry, they can pretty much do whatever they like. Say no to them, they're having crazy revenges, they're tearing apart your stuff, they're starting wars, they're telling you how they're going to kill you in detail, no self restraint, no consequences, nothing. Anger is theirs to do as they please with and in response the society is just, too scared to do anything, so they assume that this specific anger is 'justified' and 'cannot be helped'. However when victims of something are angry, then they're labelled as 'unreasonable' and 'dangerous' and 'unable to move on from things'. Their anger is a problem that needs to be squashed, erased, there's apparently no justifications for these people to be angry, nothing that is reasonable or okay for them to do about it, they just get demonized and shamed for having a completely rational response to injustice.

Is that it then? Those who are able to act out on their anger, get justifications and obedience, but those who are helpless but angry for very good reasons, are just to be suffocated? Anger is allowed only for some parts of human society and it's the most violent, destructive and dangerous part of it too? Where is this getting us? Is the amount of injustice ever going to decrease if we defend injustice, and fight for it to keep going on?

If I look up ways to express anger, I get stuff like 'anger management steps', and 'letting go and moving on from anger', like excuse me. I didn't even get to express 1% of my anger and I need anger management? I have never had problems with controlling my anger, the struggle is to get it out at all! To integrate it into my personality, to hold people accountable without having to think about it, to show resistance when I'm being stepped on! What anger management? Why am I pushed to move away from anger, I haven't even arrived to anger!

Why is it assumed that every person who struggles with expressing anger is a maniac breaking things, enacting revenges, trying to injure or murder people, lashing out and doing harm to everyone around themselves. I can guess why. Because all of the resources are created for people who are letting their anger run wild without a cap and who use anger to get their way. The world is adjusted for people who are allowed to be angry, who were never pushed to the point where getting angry meant loss of survival, where expressions of anger would lead to torture. I am apparently not even considered to exist. I'm either a maniac or not a target audience for anger resources.

If someone's been traumatized out of being able to feel angry, people don't think it's worth having this person angry. It's very obvious this person has giant reasons for anger, so if we let them feel it, they could become 'dangerous', or 'just like their abuser'. You know, being angry at the abuser does not make anyone like the abuser, it makes them Normal. Rational. Having Self Worth. Human. Logical. Reasonable. Engaging in everyone's best fucking interest because you know that abuser is going wreck havoc forever and if nobody is even angry at them, it's giving them an even easier time. Anger is scary when it's in hands of abusers, in the hands of victims it is liberating, just, it puts things into perspective and back where they belong.

Now give me the fucking resources to get angry. I'm sick and tired of hating myself.

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

some day “milf is a slur” discourse will break out and there will be no survivors

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Putting this shit literally everywhere because I can, but here we go

Types of people I’ve come across in the RAMCOA awareness world:

The light worker

- heavily spiritual/religious

- “Empath”

- Hates narcissists

- Puts monarch butterflies everywhere

- Has read one article about satanic ritual abuse and is now an expert

- Sees RAMCOA as mainly a spiritual issue

- Doesn’t like democrats

- Nice until they find out you don’t share their spiritual beliefs

The therapist

- genuinely cares about survivors

- is a survivor or has had their heart squeezed by survivors

- Works hard to spread awareness

- Shares fact-based information

- Can be kind of rude sometimes but only because they’re stressed

- Lowkey scared for their safety

- Loved by survivors and supporters

- You’ll want to bake cookies for them

The Qunatic

- Q supporter

- Thinks masks and vaccines are mind control

- Everything they disagree with is part of a satanic agenda

- Still says “multiple personality disorder”

- Either a soulless dickhead or genuinely terrified

- Accuses everyone of being a pedophile

- Thinks Christians and conservatives are the good guys

The Christian with a savior complex

- “Jesus can heal ritual abuse trauma”

- Thinks SRA survivors have spiritual attachments

- Assumes every survivor they meet is in desperate need of conversion

- Doesn’t know of any kind of RA outside of SRA

- More worried about Satanism than the actual abuse

- Thinks Christians who are bad people are just secretly Satanists

- Way too confident in their own judgement because they think it is inspired by God

- Probably treats their kid like shit

The screeching Cuntservative

- Everything they say has Christian undertones

- Hates gay people

- Thinks trans people are pedophiles

- “Abortion is satanic ritual abuse!!!”

- Trump supporter

- Jewish space lasers are to blame

- Randomly types in caps

- Not really in touch with reality

The Squish

- Intelligent

- Doesn’t fall for misinformation

- Supports survivors or is a survivor

- Usually a system

- Supports human rights movements

- Huggable

- Lowkey annoyed by Christians

- Probably cries and listens to MCR at night

The skeptic

- “SRA is a hoax”

- Uses false memories as an explanation for everything

- Has read three articles about the satanic panic

- Reddit atheist

- Still living in mom’s basement

- Thinks everyone who disagrees is a crazy conspiracy theorist

- Doesn’t know theistic Satanists exist

The Ultimate Authority

- Takes it upon themselves to decide which parts of survivors’ stories are real or not

- “SRA is just blood libel”

- “I know RA happens but programming can’t be real”

- Dismisses things that are realistically very possible

- Places way too much confidence in their single digit IQ

The Angry Activist

- Really angry

- A survivor or has a loved one who is

- Regularly speaks out against systems of oppression

- Leftist

- Calls the government out on its shit all the time

- Shows up to protests with a megaphone

- Hates people in power

- Has 50 piercings

- Will make you cry if you fuck with survivors

- Probably smokes a lot

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Omg finally someone who feels the same. I haven’t gotten to the later seasons but let me add some stuff from the first four.

She’s absolutely horrible to Izzie. Which you might not notice at first because Izzie is kind of bitchy to her. But Callie always takes it up higher. Slut shaming Izzie in response to Izzie speaking to her in a snippy tone for example

And another episode when Meredith was in the hospital almost dying from drowning and Izzie and Callie started arguing Callie told Izzie she better shut her mouth because she couldn’t afford to lose anymore friends. Basically implying Meredith was going to die and rubbing that in Izzie’s face.

She’s super toxic about George’s friends. Has no boundaries while in their home; Walking around naked, busting into the bathroom on Izzie and Meredith without knocking and just peeing right in front of them. Then she acts like she can’t figure out why they don’t really care for her and tries to isolate George.

All the while she’s lying about her money and when George finds out she plays the victim. I legitimately believe the whole George/Izzie disaster would never have gone down if Callie hadn’t suggested it. Izzie never actually loved him as more than a friend.

At this point though she’s been cheated on so I kinda felt bad for her. That didn’t last. Izzie thinks Callie is going to physically fight her. Why? Well remember when Callie just *thought* Meredith had wronged her and physically attacked her in a locker room? Who was there to witness that display of senseless violence and literally put her body in the way to protect her friend? Ohhh yeah, it was Izzie.

No wonder she thought Callie was going to beat her up. And then Callie had the gall to be like “Waaa how could you think such a thing? I’m so humiliated!” As if she had never been violent over less.

Then she moves in with Cristina. Instead of being grateful that George’s friends aren’t cliquish against her, she starts her own clique with Dr. Erica. I could write a whole other essay on the way Dr. Hahn treats Cristina. The slut shaming, demeaning etc. that’s not really the point here though. Callie doesn’t bother to stick up for Cristina, and instead makes her feel dismissed and excluded in her own home.

So yeah Callie is an awful person and I can’t understand why anyone likes her

I’m watching the later seasons of Greys Anatomy for the first time (I stopped watching after Derek died) and I just have to say- I HATE Callie Torres. She is so selfish and obnoxious. I can’t believe she put Arizona and all their friends through a custody trial so she could move across the country with her girlfriend!

Don’t even get me started on the disaster that is Penny Blake. Forcing Meredith and Amelia to work with her and then Callie gets all defensive of her. Gross. The whole thing is nauseating.

Arizona was far too nice. And then when she has Sophia, she’s so miserable that they end up moving to New York. Callie uprooted everyone’s life so she could follow Penny. I have no words for how infuriating that is. Callie always bothered me (the acting mostly) but now- she’s officially my least favorite.

I like her less than Owen, which is saying A LOT. Lmao. If you love them, please don’t attack me. But if you agree, please commiserate with me! I feel so alone 😬

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

good morning! what a wonderful day to normalize straight girls having crushes on trans guys and straight guys having crushes on trans girls!

terfs don;t even fuckign look at this post thanks

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

This is not a very big experience but I liked this girl a while back (like 5 years ago) and she asked me who I had a crush on and I panicked and blurted out the name of a guy who's only my friend and then she went and told all the other girls in class and the guy who I told her I had a crush on and I only found out that she told people like a year later and she's still really nice to me even though she never actually apologized also I may still have a crush on her but am also very jealous of her social skills and grades??? send help

I sympathize with this. I’m glad you brought it to my attention even if it is not “a big thing”. It’s still valid. I would say to start out with gently confront her about the fact that she told everyone your secret.

If she denies it or lashes out at you, run. No matter how beautiful she is or smart that’s not the type of person you want to have as a friend or a crush.

If she apologizes then I would say since it happened so long ago it probably shouldn’t be held against her. You just don’t want to be around someone who tries to rewrite history, you know?

If the best happens I would say consider your feelings for her so you know for sure what they may be, and then consider how safe your environment is. If you find you might still have feelings for her and you think it would be safe to come out then I would say tell her.

If you don’t think it’s safe to come out or you find that you want to be her more than you want to be with her, then keep her as a friend. It’s nice to have someone with good social skills at your side.

I wish you luck 🍀

~ Selkie 🌈

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

i just found your blog and am unsure all of the details about your specific experiences, but if you do know, is it possible to reconcile faith in the religion that caused you the pain? i’m really struggling to regain the strength i felt in my faith since my conversion therapy, to the point where i resent the very God i used to love.

This is a really great question! I personally have found my comfort in paganism, but I understand that’s not the path for everyone and I did spend some time as a progressive Christian.

For me it was actually not my sexuality that turned me away from the church it was reading certain parts of the Bible as an adult. But that is another story (unless you just want to hear more right now).

There are resources for Christian gay people though. I recommend God is Gray on YouTube, the yasss Jesus podcast, and Torn rescuing the gospel from the gays versus Christians debate by Justin Lee as good starts.

There are also some gay Christian singers: Jennifer Knapp and Semler. Knapp has also done a Tedtalk.

And at the end of the day if you need to take a break from the church and things to do with God, if God truly is loving, I’m sure he would understand. If you decide that Christianity is not for you then you are also valid in that. I believe there is a loving divine being, and not the angry fundamentalist God I was raised with, so like I mentioned there are other spiritualities as well.

Take time to explore and heal and think as long as you need to. And I wish you healing from your experience of conversion therapy 💛

~ Selkie 🌈

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Holy moly you guys tumble decided to stop notifying me of anything the past several days. Add a small personal crisis and I missed y’all’s asks. I’m so sorry. Answering every one now

~ Selkie 🌈

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Watching Greys Anatomy for the first time and I don’t understand why people take Callie’s side against Izzie. Izzie will get snarky and then Callie will cross a line™️ For example one time Izzie made a slightly snarky comment about Callie’s choice of medical field. Callie took it up a notch and slut shamed Izzie.

And another episode when Meredith was in the hospital almost dying from drowning and Izzie and Callie started arguing Callie told Izzie she better shut her mouth because she couldn’t afford to lose anymore friends. Basically implying Meredith was going to die and rubbing that in Izzie’s face.

So yeah Izzie is bitchy, but Callie is horrible and plays the victim when Cristina and Meredith are fairly bland towards her and she’s equally to blame for the hostility with Izzie. She’s constantly trying to isolate George and calling his best friends weird. Okay rant over

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

How do I move past conversion therapy? I don't even have any physical proof that it happened.

Hey lovely, I’m sorry you’re going through this rn. I think the first step is acknowledging that you don’t need physical evidence for something to be abuse. In fact sometimes the most harmful events are the ones that don’t leave marks. Your feelings of hurt are valid and you are not alone. Myself and a number of the others who have sent me asks are talk therapy survivors; ie no physical signs left.

After that I think it’s important to identify the most harmful ideas that they instilled in you and combat them. Random example would be something like them telling you your own heart/instincts can’t be trusted and you combating that by telling yourself that your experiences are real and they were gaslighting you.

It can be helpful to see a real legitimate therapist to address the trauma. I usually ask over the phone whether my being queer will cause a problem before I even go in. The response should be no, and they should be able to help you recover from any anxiety, PTSD, or self esteem issues conversion therapy often causes.

My asks and dms are open here as well if you have other questions or just want to offload some of those heavy memories.

~ Selkie 🌈

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

I would highly recommend this patreon for my conversion therapy survivors with DID. There’s a lot of love and positivity here, and we need that so badly after the dark places we’ve been.

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

What’s a character that isn’t the main villain but you absolutely loathe them nonetheless? I’ll go first. Baldwin from Discovery of Witches. I wanted that fucker dead more than Satu or Knox

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

Yep, my own family use the “well it only affects disabled people so they aren’t truly dying from COVID” strain of that argument right in front of me and *I’m* disabled

Never forget that the Republicans used the covid pandemic to use eugenics to kill off hundreds of thousands of chronically ill and disabled people by insisting we should use "herd immunity" as our response and went on about how it was okay because "most people won't die" leaving out the fact that many of those who died were chronically ill and disabled. They didn't care about the lives of the chronically ill and disabled if it meant they preserved wealth for millionaires.

[exgaytherapysurvivor]

The gray wall by N S Oak

Not gonna specifically tag anyone...but reblog if you feel like it and put yours in the tags.