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embarrassment has good bones

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Unmedicated ADHD is actually hell why does everything I own have a 50% chance of vanishing as soon as I put it down

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Throwback to the time I asked a school psychologist if I could take a test for ADHD and she came back a week later and said:

"As a psychometrician, you are the perfect image of adult ADHD if I'm going to be honest."

Still undiagnosed though cuz I'm a broke grad student, and my parents still don't believe in getting mental health treatment for anyone in the family lmao

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There's something poetic about the Pope's last Public Message is telling people to have Hope, citing the miracle of the Resurrection. The man knew he was about to go, saw the dark clouds coming over the Horizon, and used the last ounce of his strength to tell the world to have Hope!

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Boys, Men, Masc Presenting people: Y'all need to consume Romance as well instead of just hype and aura farming.

Here's the thing I realized, Romance for me normalizes much of the feelings I feel shame and guilt over. Not just feelings of love and attraction, but even the shitty parts of falling in love with someone: The fear, the doubt, the anxiety of it all. It's like being told "hey, these things are normal, and an inherent part of the experience."

Honestly, I think there's parts of my brain that craves to feel these emotions completely. To engage and just FEEL them, no shame, no guilt, no irritation, just me being a person. It's oddly more realistic I think. I'll never be a superhero, or a warrior, or any of the thousand hero characters in media. But I can be boy or a man falling in love with a girl I met at school, at work, or even just out in the street.

Falling in love is more likely than falling in battle, so maybe prepare more for the former than the latter.

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Source | Day 247

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Hey Demisexual folks, I have a question, especially if you are male or male presenting.

You guys have heard that women are really really tired and annoyed when their guy friends like them right? And like, a girls have even labeled it as being "fuckzoned" by guys. Basically guys who never really wanted to befriend them, and just wanted to sleep with them.

So, what should I be doing instead if the way I become attracted to women is problematic and manipulative? Especially as guy friends tend to stress women out cuz they might crush on them or were just trying to get in their pants.

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Something I learned quite recently about myself is that my self-esteem is so bad, it might actually be crippling my ability to form relationships. Mentally my brain is telling me this person can't like you, and it would literally go through a thousand and one ways everything can be interpreted before it considers that maybe someone just likes me?

I'll give High School examples so it's safe for everyone. One of my friends had this habit of being touchy to me, like she'd put her head on my shoulders, and a couple of times she asked me if she could sit on my lap and if I could hold her. I thought "well she's being weird" or "huh, maybe she doesn't know it's weird to do this to a guy". Like, it's kinda reasonable to assume this girl liked me right?

Another friend of mine in high school would ask me to study out with her like, every week. We, never actually studied though, we'd basically just chat for hours with each other. She's a musician and she'd cover songs to me that she thinks I'll like, and she'll send me videos of her covering stuff. And she basically filled my snapchat with selfies every week. She'd send me a new glammed up shot, or a new dress, or a new haircut. Things like that. Like, it wouldn't be insane for me to think she likes me right? I somehow did manage to convince myself this was how she was with every male friend she had.

I've been asking my female friends, and honestly most of them look at me like I'm stupid, or the others think I basically led girls on, cuz, who'd be stupid enough to think the way I did.

It's just hard to think of myself as attractive in any way, like really really hard. It all just feels presumptuous? Like, why would you assume people like you? That just sounds incredibly narcissistic.

[faerrothinks]

Journal Jan 23, 2025: Dreams that Disturb, Nightmares that don't.

I'm getting haunted by dreams recently, it's nothing scary or horrible, no monsters or murderers. They're like, weird twists on memories I had of people and places. I remember girlfriends I don't talk to anymore, friends I haven't seen in a while, happy memories that are weird and prophetic about things.

They don't scare me or hurt me, but they're more like, they remind me of the things I can't have right now. They're dreams of longing, and yearning, and nostalgia. I kinda hate these more than nightmares. I wake up from those, and that's it. I wake up from these and... it haunts me for hours, reminds me of people and places I get anxious to go back to.

I try not to focus on dreams too much, but, these are too real, too vivid. They wrap me up in this sense of warmth and joy, but they're always tainted by being reminded that this was the past, this is something I don't have anymore.

I miss things, perhaps this is my brain telling me that I still do, even as I try to keep up with the now and the present.

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Most of the time, they're nice! Kinda nice voices that remind to be good to myself :>

bro, the me inside your head is kind to you, right? haha? 🤨

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Slowly realizing I don't belong in most Nerd/Geek spaces.

I've been a nerd, and a fan of sci fi and fantasy my whole life. I am realizing that ME, isn't acceptable for a vast majority of people in nerd/geek spaces? Like, I'm Asexual, I'm Brown, I have ADHD, I'm a Progressive/Leftist. My person is problematic, is shoving politics, any artistic or literary thing I do? Is not going to be considered worthy, or good, just because I'm not a straight white male. The experiences I face and issues I encounter can never be something to write about, because they are going to be considered "woke" "political" "has no place in stories". I hate being nerd.

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Hello Ace-spec people, especially to fellow Demisexuals

Journal: April 29, 2024

I have a thought recently, and I think? I find myself ashamed that I want to have sex, and only want to have sex with my friends. Like, I tried it, I really really did, I tried to do it with people I got to know over a few months, and it was sensually nice. But, I get this, immense pressure in my head, like I was doing it wrong the entire time. I don't get it, we were already pretty good friends by then, but it just doesn't work for me.

I feel awful? That the only people I legitimately want to ever do it with is someone I'm friends with already. Like, as a guy, I feel like I have awful ulterior motives when I get attracted to my female friends. I'm male, how can I be a safe person for women, if I want to have sex with a female friend? It all just feels incredibly fake when they tell me I make them feel safe, and happy, and comfortable around me. How can I be those things when there's an awful part of my brain going crazy about how you look? I'm just sorry y'know? I don't want to be like this, I really really don't. It's driving me insane that I can't bury that part of me. I hate that I can't cut off those intrusive thoughts. I'm really sorry for not being a good guy for real :(.

[faerrothinks]

Journal 06/04/2024

I am currently in the process of disentangling why I do a lot of things. Most of what I do feels like, they're extrinsically motivated. Things that society, and people around me demand I become. 

Take for example dating, I feel like, a lot of the loneliness, pressure, and depression I feel about dating is more linked to conceptions of what a single person is (a loser, no charisma, ugly, stupid, a bad person) cuz, you hear about it in pop culture right? These are the type of people who are single. The real manly, strong, and good people are the ones with a girlfriend. 

Same thing with my studies, the type of person who fails, or does not excel in things are linked to a lot of conceptions (lazy, stupid, useless to society, a leech). The ones that succeed are because they're the smart ones, the good ones, the hardworking ones, the ones blessed. It's even worse when you attach like these conceptions of religion that those that are successful are the ones blessed by God. Those that are not, are because they're bad people, sinners, etc.  

I keep asking if I need to have these thoughts in my head to become the person I want to be. Or maybe they're just pulling me down and making it harder for me to focus on who I am, and who I want to be.  

I think, a lot of the anxiety I have about dating, about my studies, about a lot of things is tied to these. That failing to achieve these standards and demands that the world tells me I need to meet, means I am all the horrible things society associates with those that do fail at them. So I find myself afraid to be these states (single, failing, etc). We can't all be winners, we can't all be in a relationship all the time right? It can't be that all of those people are those things right? 

 Do I need the negative pressure? I am not sure, what do you think? 

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So, I've seen a loooooot of men wearing dresses or men being drawn to wear dresses, but. What if, we make dresses that actually complement the male form? Do those exist? Like, a dress that shows off the V-shape of a guy's torso? Show off broad chests, or arms, or whatever else? Do those exist?

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*hits your character with the aspec beam*