forever61012-blog

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Back from a long ass trip and funeral service I oversaw a lot of.

I was strong for the first two days, and then I binged due to a lack of self-control while being obligated to join at multiple restaurants, for lunch AND dinner time. I was surrounded by food nonstop, and I said no repeatedly until I. just. fucking. broke.

Little 🐖 mode initiated, and I kept eating like shit for another day.

Doing a liquid diet now.

Then, instead of crediting my weight loss, people said I was “thin enough” and “I better not get any skinnier,” and what the actual fuck? I haven’t even reached my goal weight, which happens to be the weight everyone comments “I was so pretty,” at. Make up your damn minds-you want me skinny or not? Besides, how can they say that when I’m still in the overweight BMI range? FFS.

They better buckle the fuck up, because it’s only going down from here. Try fifty more pounds.

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Skin & Bones

By: Marianna Trench

I lock the door

Turn all the water on

And bury that sound

So no one hears anything anymore

Mirror lie to me, Tell me you can see

Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now

I know you can feel, All the things you steal

And you're taking, And you're taking it

Feeling so easy,

Make me skin & bones

I'm always on my knees for you

Break it like it's even, When you're leaving it

Thin: Where the hell have you been?

Sometimes it burns, Maybe I'll wash it out

It all looks so big

Nevermind, I don't feel anything

It only hurt a bit,

I still feel like shit,

And I think you won't be able to recognize me now

It's easier to quit, It's harder to admit

And you're pushing me, You're fucking pushing me

Feeling so easy,

Make me skin & bones

I'm always on my knees for you

Break it like it's even, When you're leaving and

Thin: Where the hell have you been?

Laughing like it works

Bleeding like it dont hurt

Knock you off your feet

Even if you need me

Tear you apart, and I hate how I need you

Feeling so easy,

Make me skin & bones

Im always on my knees for you

Break it like its even

When you're leaving

It's too fucking easy

Make me skin and bones

I'm always on my knees for you

Break like it's even

When you're leaving it

Thin: Where the hell have you been?

I will burn all this,

I will burn all this,

I will burn all this

I will burn all this,

I will burn all this,

I will burn all this.

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Skinny

by Edith Backlund

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Ruthless to your victim

Suiting you becomes my love

Tied to my reflection

Hunger takes a hold of me

Making my decisions

Glossy fashion magazines will feed my new addiction

Skinny

All these voices singing

Skinny

All my monsters singing

Skinny

Got to fit that new bikini

Skinny

All the world is singing

Skinny

All them girls are swinging

Got to fit that new bikini

Hiding in my baggy jeans

No one knows my secret

Hiding from the eyes that see

I have been defeated

Mirror, mirror on my wall

Ruthless to your victim

Suiting you is all i know

A slave to my reflection

Skinny

All these voices singing

Skinny

All my monsters singing

Skinny

Got to fit that new bikini

Skinny

All the world is singing

Skinny

All them girls are swinging

Got to fit that new bikini

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My bestfriend Ana whispered in my ear

The words I wanted to hear, my dear

Just shut your mouth and stand tall

Don't let it break you

Her smile grew as she said

"Once on your lips is forever on your hips"

My best friend Ana shouting in my ear

No, don't you worry we're all sinister here

I know I see what you see

Starvation will never break me

Because once on your lips is forever on your hips

My bestfriend Ana told me

You told a lie about me

But I won't let it break me

Ana

I'm getting smaller, Ana

Inch by inch smaller, Ana

This can't be healthy, Ana

She said, "I'd like to see you leave

'Cause it's your loss without me"

God help me get out

Oh Lord, help me get out

Ana, we're not friends no more

You're making me sick

Oh, help me get out

Oh God, help me get out

Ana, we're not friends no more

You're making me sick

But once on your lips is forever on your hips

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I really thought I did good yesterday. Then I saw myself this morning. Damn it. When will the person staring back at me be someone I can love?

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Why I need to get to UGW:

1. I want my Spouse to have 100% attraction in their eyes when looking at me, again.

2. I want my family to value me. I want to hear them say: “You look so pretty,” again.

3. I want society to value me, again.

3. When I go to the doctor, I want them to stop using weight as the catalyst for all my problems.

4. I want to look good in anything and have the confidence to say that.

5. At my UGW, I’ll have maximum control. Ana and I will be (hopefully) permanently bonded.

56 pounds to go.

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I’ve been ashamed to come on here, because I’ve been fucking up so bad. I’ve exceeded my 200 cal max for days, sometimes hitting upwards to 1,200 calories. I’ve had alcohol, I’ve had sweets, and I’ve had carbs. I am utterly disgusting. I’m terrified to say: “today I’m locking in,” because I self-sabotage goals. Please, please, please Ana come back to me. Why do you so casually let me go when I have moments of weakness? Ana, please, I’m sorry. I’m back, okay? Please, stop leaving me. I don’t know how to do this without you. Please.

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Laying in bed. Stomach growling. Blissful.

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Metabolic/feeding day made me feel like I was completely out of control yesterday. I think I need to back off for a while, or it opens the floodgates for binging. I just can’t control myself. I have to detox for several weeks before I can get these cravings out of my system. I’m so pitiful.

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I was thinking about the weight I’ve lost so far, and I wondered how much more I could’ve lost had I not been such a pig. 🐽

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Having an ED plus mania equated to four hours of nonstop, dizzy exercise. My legs and arms are noodly, my body run down. But I burned a shit ton of calories putting me at 325 for today. I can go to sleep feeling good about myself, at least for a short while.

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While looking at pictures, Mom told me I was prettiest at my lowest weight. It was slightly triggering because I know how mentally fucked up I was during that period, and everyone else told me I looked “sickly,” had “lost too much weight,” and was “losing my figure.” But thanks Mom, because it was also low key motivation to get back there again.

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What’s everyone’s daily limit? I’ll go first:

Max Calories: 500

Preferred Limit: 200

Metabolism Day (one per week): 1,000 or less

Exercise: 2-3 times a week

Favorite snacks: Atkins products, sugar-free/low carb protein bars/shakes, sugar-free gum and mints, Prime, Coke Zero, Jasmine Green Tea, Sugar-free butter pickles, and cigarettes.

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Dysmorphia’s a bitch. I wish I could appreciate my weight loss more, but it just seems the smaller I get, the fatter I see myself.

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Holy $hit. 44 lbs. down…I needed this win.

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What would Ana do?