fxckerofkorpses

[fxckerofkorpses]

My sheild IS my mask.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I need to get it out. So it doesn't take residency in my mind. Once it moves in. There's no way to evict. But those feelings are back. I thought I broke away from them. Turns out I'm not free from the bond that turned out to be the end of my ability to connect. My soul is incomprehensible. I keep being unintentionally let down by the ones I love. They don't think like I do. They don't feel like I do. It's like I discovered a new color. But everyone else is blind to it. Their eyes aren't evolved enough to see the color. So it's explained away with already discovered colors. It's not the color though. I'm stuck in a world where I see it amd they don't. It's torture. I'm alone in this version of the world. It's not their fault. Humans aren't supposed to see this color. It drives them mad. And here I am. Mad. Maybe I was meant for a different world. I don't believe I'm meant to be here. I met someone else who saw this color. It broke us in different ways. Brought out different parts of us. Where I latched on to love and wanting to help. He latched on to hate and wanting to destroy. He destroyed me. I am now left in the world to bare the weight of this color alone. I wish I could unsee it. To connect with the purple around me. But my mind is altered. To see the world for what it is. Stuck explaining with the non comprehensible.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I haven't written in so long. I need so badly to tell someone what my brain does to torture me. It's been 20 years. 20 years since I started to cut myself. Writing suicide letters. Wishing nothing but death upon myself. How sad is it that a little 9 year old girl yearns for death to escape the life she's been dealt. It's been 20 years since I wrote my first letter. Everyone tells you to keep pushing forward. Find something to live for. That it gets better. 20 years. And the only thing that's found me in life is tragedy. That's my life. Tragic. This world is ugly. I've kept my heart. The love I have to give has never dwindled. The hope. It stayed. It's the only thing that got me through everything. But truly, what am I hoping for? This is life. Life isn't fair and it never will be. Not without a family, support.. Love. I don't have anything I need to survive. Nothing but high expectations from everyone in my life. Only I can't and never will reach those expectations. Therefore I will always be alone. I just want my family. But as I'm a product of the environment I was raised in. So are they. Though for some reason they were able to move on. Build a life, find love. Yet I'm stuck. Stuck in this limbo. Stuck in the mind of a child. A child's outlook on life. Life hurts so much more when you think like a child. Not understanding why they don't love you. Why no one accepts you. What's wrong with me? Trying so badly to fix myself. Without a single tool in my toolbox. Just these little hands. Constantly catching what falls off of me. Trying to put it back on without even glue or tape. Yet it falls again. Then another piece falls. There's nothing I can do. I want to let all the pieces fall. Just let it fall because trying to catch and hold the pieces in place is a never ending process. I'm prolonging the inevitable. They will fall. Soon after. So will I. Why not just take a deep breath, jump back and watch it do what it needs to. Some people were born broken. And there's not a thing in this cruel world to fix those people. There's no cure. Just told to push on. And hope for the better things to happen. This is real life though. There's no fairytale ending. So what am I waiting for? More pain? More disappointment? More standards placed upon me that I can't and will never meet? I'm lonely. Love seeping from every pore in my body. I can continue to give it away. Hoping if I gift it to the right people, it will be reciprocated. Unrealistic expectations. I know. Real life. No more running away into my mind to escape it. How long can someone just love life in an unbreakable cycle of just coping. I wish I could thrive. I have no choice to face the music and give up the fight. 20 years.. I wish I just did what needed to be done back then. Ignored everyone's empty promises of a better life. I've done what I can. I've done the work. I've made the necessary changes. Yet. This is real life. A dystopian world. And I'm just a statistic. People can't win unless someone loses. I'm the loser. The stepping stone for others success. I tried to make my purpose in life something more. I wanted to make people smile. Laugh. Because that's the happiest sound a human can make. I tried to heal other people's wounds. Hoping when I'm done they will see how badly I need the same treatment. Not even the offer of a bandage. No ointment. Not a pain killer. I hate how much I love. How deeply I care. My child mindset. Why don't you love me, like I love you? Why don't you accept my brokenness, like I accepted yours? Am I truly not worthy? Destined to fake a smile. It's amazing how happy I can make myself look to everyone around me. Yet. Inside. I'm crying. Holding back my acidic tears as to not hurt those I love. What's wrong now? There's always something. I don't know what to do with you anymore. I didn't know you were this broken. Smile. There's so much to live for. Stop crying for help. The only person who can help you, is you.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I don't know how to deal with all of this alone. I don't have family anymore. I'm the loneliest I've ever been in my whole life. With my mortality hanging over my head. No one to talk to. No one who wants to listen to my grievances and my worries about my future and health. I just want to cry to someone and tell them I'm scared to die. I want a family moment where we all apologize and vow to be in eachothers lives. That the past is forgiven because we were all kids. We all grew up in the same home. With the same family. Yet there's no empathy. No understanding. My sister is battling similar health problems. I'm scared. I can't lose her. Not for good. She was the glue to our family. Shes the only family I have. But she's numb to life. Specifically my life. Because of my brain, I'm all alone. I can't have meaningful, long relationships. I'm almost 30 and I'm already on my way out. With no one by my side. No one is in my life permanently. When I lose my mind, shit my pants. Who will be there next to me comforting me. Holding my hand while I spit nasty words at them. No one who will see past my deteriorating brains vile attempts to push them away. They just accept my leaving. The thought of my absence is peaceful for them. No more drama, tears and angry lashouts. I'm just a a burden to everyone. They want to love me. They want to help. But they don't put in the work to love me in the way I require. Why can't I just be a healthy functional adult? Why has my entire life been just this? And it has to end in an even more distressing way. I don't understand why fought so hard for life. To fight the suicidal thoughts. I fought for this? This was the "Better" I told myself I'd get to everyday? I told myself I was going to give myself the beautiful life I deserve. But that's not how life works. Not in my book. That's not how it ends. Every ketamine treatment, acid trip, my "reality checks". They all showed me my life. What's been written out already. I've always known I'd die young. By suicide. I never assumed it could be syphilis. I always thought I'd eventually meet the right man. We would leave this rotten city behind. Start over in a small town. Have a simple life. Get a dog. Adopt or have kids. I wanted to be a mom. I would have been an amazing mom... I would have been an amazing wife. I never got to get married. Be a bridesmaid. Have my own baby shower. Have a job for longer than a year. Live somewhere on my own for a year. Have a 1 year anniversary with someone besides my ex fiance. I haven't gotten to experience anything. Real, true love.

[fxckerofkorpses]

[fxckerofkorpses]

Misdiagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenia for almost a decade. I'm Autistic. And I'm not functioning.

*TW Eating disorder, su*cide ideation, Abuse*

I don't know what to do anymore. Life has been just absolutely shit. For all these years I was misdiagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I've been treated as such by everyone. Used, manipulated, emotionally and physically abused, sexually assaulted, raped.. I've had to deal with constant state of almost homelessness, dismissal by family and doctors, pumped full of psych meds I never needed. I've been on seroquel for almost a decade now. At such a high dose, at one point higher than the max dose. Along with all the other meds that didn't work. Because I have Autism with severe OCD. The moment it was confirmed by my new psychiatrist, it's like the lens changed and when I refocused my eyes the world was different. People were different. I'm different. I scoured the internet looking for answers. For people like me. Reddit has been my biggest help in learning about myself. But in learning about myself, I've learned all the things about me that are totally "socially unacceptable". It's like flashbacks all the time of things I did in the past and it fills me with such anxiety and sadness. I've always known I'm different. I just didn't know how different. I didn't understand why I couldn't function. Why I pee my pants, why I can't make phone calls, why I am so naive and trusting. Everyone is my "best friend". I could never hold down a normal job. I failed at being a sex worker. I literally am at the point in my life where I have absolutely nothing. Most of my stuff is in storage. My whole family is blocked. My best friend of 10 years stopped being my friend over a man. I'm so weak and sick from ARFID and whatever autoimmune disease I have that we can't figure out. I can't work, eat, take care of myself at this point. I'm at the point where I'm just thinking "I'm not meant for this world". I need alot of help. I need stability. I need structure. I need help. I'm dying because I can't do this on my own. I've never had a parent. I never had someone teach me things. I'm almost 29 and I'm literally a child in an aging, sick body. With no one left. This is my last home before officially being homeless. And I'm fucking it up. I'm so close to it. Just ending it.

[fxckerofkorpses]

Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism.

Alot in my life has changed. The way I see myself and everything I've been through has changed. All these years, I've been misdiagnosed. A major misdiagnosis. People don't understand what something like this does to you. Suddenly so many things clicked and make sense. All my struggle I've been through has finally been validated. By the psychiatrist and myself. But everyone around me. Some don't see it because I mask with almost everyone in my life. And then some just invalidate it all the same but in a whole new way than I'm used to. By saying everyone has struggles. Everyone is a bit "this or that". But I haven't been able to function my entire life. And now I know why. I was misdiagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia for almost a decade. An outcast. But a crazy outcast. I'm Autistic. With Severe OCD. With other stuff but these 3. I never understood why I couldn't function even on meds like other schizophrenic people I know. Or how I'm supposed to function like society says. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn't. I still can't. I've always said I feel like a child without a parent. I need help. Structure and routine. I did better whenever I had that.. Like in the psych ward. Everything is just different for me now. I'm obsessing and I'm over analyzing everything the way I do with everything else but with my mind and my life. I'm so different. Always have been. Now I know why. Only I don't feel any more accepted than I did before. Only now I'm so much more aware of how much I'm not accepted and haven't been my whole life.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I didn't think I'd get this chance to tell you how I feel, because you blocked me.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I'm doing this. Something a woman never but always does. I want to talk to you calmly. Because how this conversation goes, determines if you truly are the man for me and whether or not you truly care for me on the level you say you do. By showing frustration at all during this conversation and being dismissive or unempathetic, you're choosing to leave this relationship with me behind. I'm going to try to talk to you as calmly as I can. So please, let's try not to interrupt eachother and hear eachother out. Because tonight will make or break us. I wanted to come to you before the inevitable happens. Women will cry and pour out souls out before the men we love. Over and over begging you to love us the way you loved us in the beginning. To be that man you promised us you will be. To change the very things that are detrimental to our relationship. We beg you to listen, to actually hear our words. And once we get to the point where we see the love of our life, not even care when we are breaking in front of them. When we get to the point our pain, means nothing to you but an annoyance and frustration. That right there, knowing your lover sees the absolute desperation and agony that has fallen upon our face, and feels nothing. The man who would have ran to me if I had fallen and scraped my knee, sees me at my absolute worst, knowing he's caused it and feels nothing. It kills your soul. Because how can this person not care? How can this person not feel empathy for the one person they swore they wanted to grow old with? I don't understand it.. Can you have this extremely difficult conversation with me? Can you be willing to step into my shoes and see the pain that I'm in? Can you show me empathy and reassure me? Because kris. You mean everything to me. And I'm 100 percent in this. I want you and only you forever. But i can't heal from this pain when you don't just give me the filull cold hard truth. More truths just keep trickling in and how am I supposed to heal? When I have the half truth? So please... this night. Give me the truth so I can heal from this because you're not just a guy. You're the first person to ever love me the way I love. And I'm fighting so hard to keep us going. I just want to give you this chance to just come clean and let me have the full truth so I can heal or I will never heal from this and we will never work. Please don't let this turn into a fight. This is my last effort at this. Whatever emptions I feel during and after this conversation are validated and I need you to validate me. They are reasonable feelings and I'm going to feel hurt. Don't dismiss my pain at all please. Please show me that you really do want to be with me and that you truly love me on another level than you've ever loved before. and are willing to fight for me while you still have me completely. I know you grew up in toxicity and maybe you don't see the manipulative actions you have because that was how you had to survive for so many years. But baby. You're not surviving with me. It's okay to accept you have those toxic behaviors you learned in order to survive because then you can change them. And that's changing fir the better. I don't blame you for what you learned because I have/had them too but I lost everyone I cared about when I failed to accept that I learned somethings wrong.

[fxckerofkorpses]

My Last Letter To You.

I'm writing you this letter so I can have closure and say everything I need to say before I block you. I don't understand how you honestly can do this to me. To us. You were given another chance. You promised you wouldn't hurt me again. You wouldn't drink. And look at you. You can't help yourself anymore. And your piece of shit coworkers are just that. Pieces of shit. You lied to me. You blew off a night falling asleep with me to go get drunk with your coworkers. Your female coworkers. You lied. Once again. You can never be trusted, you've proven that to me. The one alcohol slip up, okay. But tonight? There was no reason. You chose alcohol over the beautiful love and life we could have had together. You told me to kill myself. Deny it all you want but I will never forget. You made fun of me for crying about you being with girls. You're a heartless man who spits venomous words at people he loves. Atleast tonight you didn't deny your love for me. Well kris. You killed my love for you. You proved to be like every other man in my life. You abused me. You're a drunk. It's disgusting. You're disgusting. I'm disgusted with you. I was disappointed, hurt, confused. No more. I know now that this is who you are. And who you are isn't deserving of me. I'm an amazing person. I've made mistakes but I'm a good person. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I keep to myself. I continously work on my shortcomings. I saw a bright future for us. But now your future, I see it falling apart. You're going to lose your kids all over again and drink yourself into oblivion. Or you'll end up in jail. You're going to lose everything you've ever cared about just because you wanted to get drunk with some hot girls when you could have been with me. You think those girls are going to be there for you when you lose it all? No. Neither will I. I told you, you could come to me when you feel like drinking. When you felt low. Don't. I don't want any part of your life that you're choosing to ruin. I want nothing to do with you. You broke my heart for the last time. Only my ex fiance got that many chances. And I will not end up that girl I was with him. That will never be me. I should have seen your red flags. Your constant need to lie. How deep your alcoholism goes. I wish I did before I fell for you. But it's okay. Because you aren't feeling this right now like I am. And by the time you realize how low in life you are by losing me and choosing to go back to drinking, I will be fully over you and you won't even cross my mind. I will be free and you will be wracked in guilt and full of sorrow because your life will be empty all over again. And you can try to replace me. You never will. No girl will ever amount to me and the love I bore for you. I would have died for you. I would have done anything for you and you killed us. You killed my love and you will never revive it. I hope you feel every little bit of pain you've made me feel over the past couple months with your abuse when you wake up. I hope you realize what you've lost. Because it's absolutely too late. I'll tell you goodbye but you will never hear I love you. I won't give you that. You'll occupy my mind for a while. And it will kill me not to text you. But I'll be fine soon. I'll find joy in life again while you spiral downwards and for that I'm truly sorry. You don't deserve it. You have a kind heart but your demons have eaten you alive and it's so sad to see. This is why I never date addicts or alcoholics. Because I know one day they will relapse and I will have to watch them put their drug of choice ahead of me and everything they care about. I won't watch you waste away kris. I can't. I hope you get better. I don't see that happening at this point though. You don't want the help. You don't care about anything. You don't even love your children enough to stay away from alcohol. They deserve a better dad that and I deserve a better lover than you. Best wishes kris. Goodbye forever.

[fxckerofkorpses]

Should I Leave It All Behind?

I'm thinking about leaving my boyfriend. I love him, but I'm starting to get the ick. When I'm high around him now I have my "reality checks". That usually only happens if I'm high and find myself in uncomfortable or just not what I want "situations". I love him. I really do. He's an amazing man. He treats me the exact way I want to be treated. Looks wise? He's attractive, but not my normal type. So sometimes when I'm high he's just not attractive to me. I find myself splitting on him alot. Disliking him, finding myself feeling smothered. When he touches me or does anything sexual that I'd normally like, I cringe. But most times I'm completely infatuated and obsessed with him. This always happens when I find something that's good for me. I lose interest. I stop finding them sexually attractive. I have to fantasize during sex to finish. It sucks. I'm going to stick it out and try to get past this Hump I always find myself in. There's just so many reasons I want to break up with him. For one, my mom is moving to another state and if I stay I'll be all alone. She wants me to move out there with her. There's a whole new life out there waiting for me. My future with him is also a whole new life. I adore his dog Pooter Dooder. The cutest old man pibble. Only he doesn't get along with other dogs. Like at all. I want him to meet my roommates dog and come hang with me while my bf is working. Only he'd kill Molly. In an instant. So with him I can't get another dog until Pooter passes. He also lives on a tiny trailer. Which I don't judge at all. I grew up in a mobile home. But it's not what I want to live in. I have so much stuff, I like having a washer n dryer. I like specific things. I can't live in a trailer. I want more. That's not the life I invision for myself. I need to go with my mom. I can clean up my life. Get my license, work more, get my own dog, quit all the drugs. I gotta go restart. I need to. Almost everytime I do my ketamine therapy, my deep thoughts about life always come to the conclusion that this life path I'm on is leading to suicide. It's so well thought out too in those moments. It makes absolute perfect sense. It's really sad. I want to live. And it makes me so sad I have to leave him behind to get this new life. I gotta do it though.

[fxckerofkorpses]

[fxckerofkorpses]

[fxckerofkorpses]

Depression

You found your way back to me. I fought you off as hard as I could, yet you over powered me. I lost. I lost my confidence, my optimistic view, my will to keep going. I was doing so amazing. Yes I still made some poor choices but I was genuinely happy. I didn't know what it would be, but I saw a future. You took that from me. You took it all. All I can find the energy to do now is lay in bed, stuff my face and play with my phone. My friends keep asking to hang out but I don't have the social energy to leave the house. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm getting older. Tried almost every medication there is to offer over the course of 13 years. They told me it's treatment resistant. So we tried ketamine therapy. It worked. I felt amazing. On top of the world. Till I wasn't. Because you're here.

[fxckerofkorpses]

I miss writing. Getting out my intense emotions, relating to other people. I felt safe here. Over the years I've written less and less because words and thoughts just didn't make sense the way they used to. I couldn't hold my focus and just sit here and write for as long as I used to. Every sentence I lost my train of thought. So I gave up. Writing was impossible. Everything was impossible. My mental illness took over my whole life. What's happened? Ketamine therapy. It does nothing for my depression. It did at first, but here I am. Depressed. But for my schizophrenia? Wow. You guys, my memory. I cried for years because it felt like I was onsetting dementia. I couldn't hold conversations, I lost my train of thought every 10 seconds and had to constantly ask what I was talking about. I couldn't keep track of ANYTHING. Everything was misplaced. I couldn't remember anything from my childhood or earlier years, but the memories flood in now at random times. I love this. My memory still isn't what it needs to be yet, but it's ok. During my ketamine treatments, I can think. I can process what is going on in my life and then just put it away. Something I've never been able to do before. My whole mindset has changed. I feel like me again. I begged to just find myself again. I finally have.

[fxckerofkorpses]

Idealizing!!

Here we go. It happened today. Bpd kicked in. I'm idealizing him so hard. I've built the pedestal and placed him on it. I didn't think this would happen. Not this soon. This man has stolen my heart. He let's me be me. Just crazy old me. I don't have to change myself to be an acceptable girlfriend. I just love it here. I know I'm still single. We aren't together, but we're taking it slower. Relationship wise. We're still cup caking. It's cute. New chapter in my life. 🥰

[fxckerofkorpses]

I can have a life with him. I'm just not ready for it yet. I want it. Only I want to be single and have fun. He makes me happy though. Really happy. We can have a beautiful life. So what's stopping me? The need to have sex with other people? I kinda feel done with it.. over it. I don't wanna have random sex anymore. I want to have sex with him. He makes me feel so amazing. His touch, his kisses. I slept with my ex boyfriend last night. He was "the one". It was great but the only thing was he isn't him. I was all about my ex for a long time. Now I'm all about him. It's okay though. Moving on. We broke up because of my lifestyle. Now we're doing it the right way. Getting to know eachother. It's great. I'm trying to learn how to strip so I can be a traveling stripper and he'll be a traveling tattoo artist. I really want that. I want him. We broke up publicly though.. I wanna just be with him in hiding for a while. He offered me mfm 3somes when we have an established relationship. He can give me everything I want. I may just do that. Be with him on the low