gazelleeyes50 - Tumblr blog

[gazelleeyes50]

I can’t leave, I can’t stay

I consider the alternative

Its deeper shade of loneliness

The one I wear bearable in comparison

There is no where to go but to Allah

No country but the present

Starting a new life in hope

Building a new home in gratitude

All from where I stand now

[gazelleeyes50]

Who am I to deny myself forgiveness when Allah forgives all sins?

[gazelleeyes50]

It’s a painful realization to know so little about someone you loved so much.

[gazelleeyes50]

Grief is smiling and laughing and nodding, saying I’m fine, going through day after month after year, but when alone, from the slightest brush of memory, you shatter into a million pieces, sink to the ground and all you want to do is lie there until you become part of the vegetation

[gazelleeyes50]

Ramadan day 1

My focus this Ramadan is duaa. Incessant, fervent, obsessive, under my breath at any opportunity. Lengthy sujood in every prayer. Extra prayers for extra sujoods…Sometimes all I can muster in my duaa is: Allah help me. He is all knowing so it will suffice.

Taraweeh seems much more physically taxing than I remembered. Guess I’m getting old. The shiekh has a beautiful voice, the masjid is gorgeous. I’m going to these inspiring halaqas…but I’m doing it all alone. One frequent duaa I’m making is to experience sisterhood. I’ve never had a group of friends that remind me of Allah or motivate me to be a better Muslim in my daily life.

I ask Allah for a breakthrough and to ease this gnawing loneliness. I ask Allah to make me just as focused on my blessings as I am on my flaws and deficits.

[gazelleeyes50]

Do you ever feel like a closet full of masks, a drawer spilling with fake smiles? I’m good is your favorite shirt, everything’s ok your worn pair of shoes. Always dressed to pretend.

[gazelleeyes50]

I’ve moved through life like one moves through checkpoints, looking straight ahead, showing the necessary documentation, anxious to get through to the next crossing, not looking back, no real destination in mind.

I’m a mansion with a million rooms but I’ve spent most of my time in only one. Now I want to take a tour, see what I’m made of.

[gazelleeyes50]

This pain won’t last forever

It’ll pass, so never

Despair

Find solace in seeking

God’s pleasure

[gazelleeyes50]

Don’t let what is crush your hopes for what can be

because the present is only a pixel

the hurt needed for healing

you think you’re drowning but the water is shallow

lay back, look up, and let go

[gazelleeyes50]

I have no control so I put my trust in the One who controls the universe.

All doors are locked tight, and I have no key. I patiently wait for Allah to make an opening.

I’ve lost my way, I’m in a maze, a cage, I’m stuck in a surreal loop. Only Allah can show me the exit.

And He will.

[gazelleeyes50]

You don’t have to know where you’re going right now, but you must keep going. You’ll know when you get there.

[gazelleeyes50]

Leaves shine, birds somersault. The eternal buzzing and crawling of living things. Kittens play tag in the bush. An ordinary stroll in a familiar park pulls you back from the brink of despair. Little bursts of life and light remind you that there is still time, hope, and a reason to keep going.

[gazelleeyes50]

Contentment isn’t a place you can reach or a thing you can buy. It’s a choice. It’s a perspective. It lives within me, dormant, rusting from lack of use.

[gazelleeyes50]

The heart is a jewel that needs polishing

The soul is a rainforest threatened by drought

Everything conspires to pollute you

Nourish yourself with worship

Take shelter in prayer

[gazelleeyes50]

Every moment is a new chance to try again

Each breath is a new beginning

There is the present, there is now

Live in it with your whole heart

Live in it with abiding gratitude

[gazelleeyes50]

Every circumstance, reason, excuse, situation, problem, obstacle melted away and all that was left standing, the truth I had to face, was me.

[gazelleeyes50]

Hot tea on a cool morning, letting the steam curl around my face, watching the leaves flutter, listening to the soft silence in my head. I am ok with just being. This moment of simple contentment, this blissful hour of an empty mind. I wish it could last.