generaldiscomfort

[generaldiscomfort]

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

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I’ve started journaling again. I might end up posting less here. Not that anyone reads my posts but still. I want to put that out there.

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Weekly Reflection

This week was weird. Dealing with a period always makes it harder and weirder. I worked my usual shifts, I had the same routine everyday for the most part, but everything felt just slightly off. I get up, check my Animal Crossing island, check Instagram and tumblr, eat an apple, get ready and go to work, come home and draw. 

I think everything feels weird because I’m waiting for something to go wrong. Nothing bad had happened this week, no family drama, just a few small work problems but nothing serious. I’m finally starting to come to a place where I’m happy with my life and where it’s heading. 

The only thing I need to actively work on is my portfolio and my physical health. Everything else seems to just be falling into place recently. It’s like someone just switched the level difficulty from extreme to easy. Maybe I’m finding my place in the universe and it’s fate, or some higher power at work. I’ll take it either way though, I needed a break.

I bought two new books this week, well not new, they’ve just been made popular again by movies and shows so they were easy to find and add to my collection. As much as I hate movie covers sometimes I have to just buy it anyway because it will take me ten years to find a nice cover. And I hate ordering things online.

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I stopped loving myself years ago

I often wonder if I’ll ever get that love back

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February 12, 2021

I know it’s already the 13th but I only got off work now. The only reason I’m staying at this job is because when I move across the country it will be easy to just transfer me to a store near the school I’m going to go to. I really don’t like customer service that much or most of my current coworkers. They’re all going to end up stuck in this hell town we call home. I ask my coworkers around my age what they want to do with their lives and the answer is mostly “Get married” or “I don’t know”. I mean there’s nothing wrong with not knowing or just wanting to get married, I didn’t know for sure that I wanted to go to art school until I just recently turned 19. I thought I had to do something like accounting so that I could stay in this town. 

This town has no real opportunities unless you want to have a stereotypical “male” or “female” job. It’s run by gender roles, racism and homophobia. I can’t be trapped here like the rest of them, there’s so much more for me I can feel it. If I don’t get into this art school I genuinely don’t know what I’d do. I’m so scared of failing and being trapped here like so many people I know. Not getting into art school would be a major failure, and there’s only one that I’m interested in going to. I have one shot at breaking free.

TW // Mentions of suicide

I’m not even sure I’m applying to art school for me or for her. These were the plans I had when I was 15 that I made with my best friend at the time. When she took her own life shortly after my 16th birthday I stopped drawing almost completely and stopped taking interest in most things. I used to love school, it was one of the many things I looked forward to, but after that, going to school was like a punishment. 

What had I done wrong? Why had she just left me? She was my soulmate I’m sure and now I’ll never have the chance to live a full life with her. I loved, and still love, her more than anything. Nothing compares to staying up all night watching weird terrible movies and sharing candy with her. I’d never met anyone as beautiful or as caring as her. She always put her friends before her and I was so lucky to call myself her friend. For my 18th birthday my mom took me to get a tattoo for her. It’s her name in her handwriting and a sun, moon and stars to call back to our favorite song. 

“The sun, the moon, the stars, they all are mine.”

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February 11th, 2021

Hello tumblr. I’ve tried many times to have a blog here, a space to share my thoughts and writing, and failed many many times. I’m hoping that I can stick to it this time and that maybe it will be therapeutic to me. I’ve gone through many heartaches and maybe the key to getting past them is to start romanticizing my own life. To portray it as someone else’s life so that maybe I’ll want to keep living it and work on it. 

I hope that along with bettering my own mental health I can make some friends who understand my thoughts and share my interests. I guess now would be a good time to share some facts about me.

My name is Belle, I’m 19 and working on my portfolio so I can attend art school this fall. I’ll have to move across the country, which is quite scary, but I think I’ll be happier there. I love Animal Crossing, Pokémon and reading. Specifically vampire novels. I’m currently reading Blood and Gold by Anne Rice, which I have not been liking as much as the previous books.