hauchiko

[hauchiko]

[hauchiko]

you better not

[hauchiko]

ive been thinking about bridget from guilty gear and some of the (dumb) criticisms ive seen to her coming out as trans. and the main one that stuck with me that i couldnt put my finger on why, was the idea of "but she was forced to be a girl, so what, her abusive village was right in the end?" because like. yeah, unfortunately.

the reason it stuck with me is because i went through the same thing. and so did a lot of other trans women. not the village but. not being the most masculine. being forced into and bullied into essentially the role of girl compared to all the guys. fighting it so hard. because "no im not a girl". when youre told and forced into being one role quite often you fight SO hard to go against it. and i did. played rough sports, tried to force myself to like shooter games, tried to get my dads approval, of course i hate pink im not a girl.

but then i moved away. went to uni. had none of those ingrained expectation from the people who knew me. go to explore, got to reinvent and figure out why i was so uncomfortable. and it turns out, my bullies, in a cruel twist of fate, were right. i was a girl. and im happier now. and in typical guilty gear larger than life fashion, bridgets story mirrors my own, at least to an extent or matching the themes. forced or pressured or bullied into a gender. fight against it. move away, explore self. and come back and claim it as your own.

i dont think the creators of guilty gear had this story or structure in mind 20 years ago. the interviews of her reveal say that her story was always meant to be trans and that they didnt think the world was ready. but she is trans. and her story matching mine even though im not even the biggest fan of guilty gear is something that is so so deeply special. we are allowed to be queer, and messy and make mistakes and go back.

[hauchiko]

update, 9 months in. they are here. but not enough. expaaaaaand

me going into hrt: i dont know if i want breast growth to happen or not, but if i want to be comfortable in my body, which hrt is the way to go for me, i think im okay if i do get breast growth

me 8 weeks into hrt: man where the FUCK are my titties???

[hauchiko]

oh no i do take pics, both for confidence and progress. feeling is still there and will likely still be there.

just because i can see the thermometer on my boiling frog water change doesnt mean the water feels any hotter.

slow progress is slow progress is still progress, and what works for you may not work for everyone. well intentioned unsolicited advice is still unsolicited advice.

i UNDERSTAND that the lack of seeing results from hrt is that i am a frog boiling. but i would honestly rather all the pain happen at once in a painful horrifying transmogrification to my final form of a regular ass girl.

my hips hurt

[hauchiko]

I'm girl ?

[hauchiko]

i UNDERSTAND that the lack of seeing results from hrt is that i am a frog boiling. but i would honestly rather all the pain happen at once in a painful horrifying transmogrification to my final form of a regular ass girl.

my hips hurt

[hauchiko]

sometimes i forget how much cis people dont get trans jokes. went to pick up my script for e and the pharmacist asked if i was my deadname and i responded "legally, yeah" only to be met with blank stares and a "sorry?"

like cmon i know several people that would have gotten at least a nasal exhalation of humour from....

[hauchiko]

its so easy to be an introverted queer, or internet based queer, or perhaps a queer person in an unsafe area, and feel so so greatly disconnected from community. and i definitely fall into those first two categories more, im not one for a lot of pride events, i dont go out nearly enough, and i often feel so disconnected.

but theres something downright sacred about passing by someone like me. even on a day where random old ladies misgendered me in an attempt to be nice, just seconds of me walking out of a train and her, a total stranger walking onto one. eye contact. a knowing warm smile passed between us. i know you. i see you. i am you. its moments like those where the understanding of community is injected into me.

[hauchiko]

can someone direct me to a star wars fic where there is the equivalent of tumblr/twitter discourse about droid relationships? because in all of star wars there has to be people that are attracted to droids right?

like gimme the batshit insane "droids have been created to be servants and thus there is an inherent power imbalance" "are you saying droids are not sentient?"

hell i want to go far enough that cyborg/enhancements raise questions about how many modifications can be made before a humanoid is a droid

[hauchiko]

i understand that transitioning is a marathon not a sprint. however i would like my marathon runner to marathon run faster thank you

[hauchiko]

That boy who was labelled "gifted" in middle school and internalised that if he wasn't smart then nobody would care about him, is actually now a girl who's internalised that if she isn't pretty then nobody will care about her

[hauchiko]

one thing you should know if youre starting hrt is that youre going to love yourself like you never have before

[hauchiko]

me going into hrt: i dont know if i want breast growth to happen or not, but if i want to be comfortable in my body, which hrt is the way to go for me, i think im okay if i do get breast growth

me 8 weeks into hrt: man where the FUCK are my titties???

[hauchiko]

please learn how to code

like, if you're bored today, and not doing anything,

learn a little bit of coding please

[hauchiko]

oh youre a sapphic couple? which one of your pianos is rat filled and which one is infested with bugs?

[hauchiko]

i am genuinely really annoyed with the stated of "former gifted kid" discourse. it seems to be the current prevailing opinion is former gifted kids are just whining because oh boo hoo i was only good when classes was just naming colours. but that isnt the case. its a group of literal children who were failed by the education system in a manner different to people who werent considered former gifted kids, and werent given the tools to cope with that and in fact were expected to be able to cope. there was the expectation to cope that lingers with them and means that now there are issues that have gone unaddressed because they should be able to cope with them the system told them they should be able to cope why cant you cope you were such a bright child what happened i thought you were going to become a brain surgeon or a world leader its such a shame surrounded on all sides.

and i dont know. i think people should be kinder about other peoples struggles that they havent had.