hideandspeaknow - Tumblr blog

[hideandspeaknow]

Heartbreak Putting Me Back on Sertraline

I stopped taking my medication last week. The love of my life left me 7 weeks ago because after 4 and half years of telling me he loved me every single day, including the morning of the day he left, he turned around one random day and said he didn’t love me and hadn’t for about 2 years. Every little thing or look he’d given me, where I felt loved or saw love in his eyes, was a lie. I felt every connection every single day like electricity and you can’t fake that. Every time I mentioned something like getting a dog with me, moving out, asking me to marry him, having sex with me, he just said he was forcing it. All the moments I treasured and that gave me a new lease of life were being ripped from me. 

One of the main reasons we got on so well all those years ago was because we both felt like we didn’t fit in with our families and that we didn’t care about money. When I didn’t have the money to move out with him, he told me to anyway, that he would always look after me. He didn’t like me buying things for myself, he’d always buy me them and I saw this as love and kindness. He’d even offer me money for things like catching a train and I’d tell him no. He even said his work mates told him he had a golden misses because theirs rinses them for every penny and he can’t even give me money. Then the day he left he basically told me he felt used for his money. Another blow to my mental health. I’d spent years telling him money didn’t matter to me, to stop spending it on me or giving it me. Did it just go over his head?

So I said that when I had the money I would pay him for the furniture he left behind and he made a dig about how I owe him a lot more than that. Another blow, because I never asked for a penny, he always insisted and said he would look after me and then because he’s decided he doesn’t love me, he wanted it all back? Did he want the time spent with me back to? It would never even cross my mind to ask for all the money back for the presents and food I bought, so why did it him? Why was money the main issue for him leaving now, when he’d said for years money didn’t matter?

I got myself a job after he left and when I told him he scoffed. That pain I’ll never forget, it was like a cold sinking feeling that shot from my heart right into the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t get a job before because Loki needed 24 hour supervision and he said whatever job I got it wouldn’t make more than him if he had to stay at home with Loki some of the days, which was fair enough, it was true, so I worked for him from home. I thought I’d done something really good getting myself this job and was proud of myself and I got knocked down with a scoff and a “funny how you can get a job once I’ve left.” Coming from someone I am in love with was a hard blow on it’s own, but saying it knowing I looked after Loki and he told me I wouldn’t earn more was an entirely different blow.

Anyway, so I agreed and said I’d get him the money somehow and he told me it didn’t matter that he was sorry. Why bring it up then? And then because I was left in the shit, lost my job and with rent to pay he offered me money to get me by, which was very kind, but to which I said no, like always and he got offended. It was breaking me that it was being used against me and that I couldn’t win. It was also really mentally confusing. I was trying to deal with the fact he was leaving me, but then also couldn’t work out what he wanted money or not?

It doesn’t make sense? Yes I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

It was almost as if in a day he was a completely different person and when I said I feel like he’s just trying to be mean so that I move on quicker, he told me to stop fishing there’s nothing there. He’s never treated me so low in all our years together. I felt confused, broken and worthless. Nothing snaps in a person like that within the time it takes to go to work and come home. I’d literally die for him and that hasn’t changed in the 7 weeks since he left. I still want him back with every breath I take, because at the end of the day I’m not one to walk away when there’s obviously some inner struggle going on.

I assumed it was because he had mental health issues, so I was being understanding. Over the years I’ve picked him up, told him to get help, take a step back from work or go to the doctors, he always said no. One day he got low about his friends, so I messaged them and they said they’d talk to him. They never did. I was the one who picked him up, cared for him, loved him and showed him that I would be there come rain or shine. That I’d hold him when things got dark for him and make sure he knew he was loved. He fell out with his family, I told him he’d need to build a bridge and start talking, he’d tell me no. I just wanted the best for him always, because I am so in love with him. I never felt like it was a chore or a burden, I love him and I love supporting him, always. Then he left and used all these things against me and all I wanted was for him to get help.

It absolutely crippled me. To the point I felt like I was suffocating. Every. Single. Day.

And it’s not him whose made me feel this way. I’ve done it to myself. Everything he said was right. If time had gone by and his friends hadn’t contacted, I should have harassed them again. If he bought me something after saying no, I should have returned it. I should have rang the doctors for him to get him onto medication or counselling. I shouldn’t have moved out until I had the money. I should have done more to work around not being able to work. Maybe find a job working nights whilst he did days. I just know now that I should have done so much more. I am the reason I wasn’t enough. I am the reason now that the person I pictured myself growing old with and travelling the world with has left me. It’s my fault my mental health is so low.

But it’s not like i spend all my time wallowing. I am bettering myself. I booked my driving theory and started lessons, so that I can share in the driving. I got myself a job so that he wouldn’t feel the need to spend money. I’ve got self help to show that I know I can depend on myself. I’m trying so hard to come back as a better person and my fear is that it’s all for nothing.

I still want him back so bad. I forgive him for everything he’s said and done. I don’t believe for a second he means any of it or that he doesn’t love me. He wouldn’t let me out after dark because he wanted me safe, and sometimes the way he’d touch me... just no. I know, even if mental health is blocking him now, I know he loves me. 

Anyway, I was talking about medication. The first two weeks was very hard on me. I was dying to know how he was doing and wasn’t getting anything back, so I got myself put onto different medication whilst I dealt with the heartbreak and was on a counselling waiting list. I was having a lot of crippling panic attacks multiple times a day, I lost 2 stone and wasn’t eating and I honestly just didn’t see the point in anything. It’s not that my happiness was dependant on someone else, but losing the person you’re in love with is really mentally damning.

I stopped taking my medication because I still felt really low whilst on it. It’s not that it wasn’t working, but I figured there was no point in the medication since it’s not going to take my pain away, only dull the chemical imbalance in my brain. About four days after I came off it, I found myself curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at 1:00am, crying my eyes out, legs shaking uncontrollably, staring at my wrists, begging myself not to do anything stupid. I won. It took me 45 minutes, but I gave myself a talking to and picked myself up. He might not even care anymore if i did go through with it, since i haven’t even been asked how i’m doing, but in my head I told myself that if I ended my life he would blame himself and I wouldn’t be able to be here to tell him otherwise. I wouldn’t be able to tell him that I did it because I can’t deal with my own pain. I could never do that to someone I love. He saved me without even knowing. I love him so much that life is worth living.

I’ve spent the days since battling with myself on whether I want to go back on my medication. The fact I’ve been waking up everyday feeling numb and crying was a big selling point. So, I took the leap this morning and went back to my old medication, Sertraline instead of the new one’s I got put on and I’ve never felt so ill. About a couple hours after I started taking them again I just went really dizzy and have thrown up twice.

[hideandspeaknow]

Having A Good Mental Health Day

Sometimes it takes me until I am about halfway through my day to realise that I’m having a good mental health day. Is this what it is like for normal people?

It’s funny though isn’t it? You always know when you’re having a bad day because you feel it and think it as soon as you wake up, but when you are having a good day you either don’t notice it or feel out of sorts when you do. That’s when you know you have got a problem.

[hideandspeaknow]

I Am Now On Sertraline

Don’t shoot me for this.

I have never been someone who has agreed with anti-depressants. For me, it has never been an option as I’ve never thought they were a natural way of dealing with my problems. I don’t agree with false happiness, yes my brain is obviously unbalanced, but I’d like to know the difference between truly being happy and the tablets telling me that I am. I also didn’t want all the side effects such as lack of sex drive, no sleep etc. I always thought about how people never used them before they were created. So, to me, it wasn’t right.

In January 2018 I nearly killed myself, for the second time. When getting out of the hospital I was struck with another wake up call that led me to a trip to the doctors to ask for help. They offered me anti-depressants and I said no and asked for other options. They recommended councilling, but that if it didn’t work I’d need to seriously have a think about medication.

So, I sent off my application for councilling and it took 6 months of me constantly following up to finally get an initial appointment where I was told councilling would be offered to me in October. That was 9 months of constant mental breakdowns, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and other emotions that I couldn’t deal with, before I’d even got through to my choice of help. I willingly suffered that so that I didn’t have to go on anti-depressants.

After 2 months of councilling, I realised it wasn’t working. Talking about my past and what had brought me to this mental state, didn’t change how I currently felt. Yes, I was bullied at school and at home. Yes, I never felt safe. Yes, I had no confidence growing up. Yes, I had a lot of issues growing up. But this did not help my state of mind now.

So, I went back to my GP yesterday and she got me to talk things out. I asked if I could start CBT to change the way I think. She granted me the application, but also asked me to go on medication in the mean time. After the chaos that happened last year of waiting 9 months. I agreed.

I am now on Sertraline. A false happiness drug that will supposedly balance my mind, ruin my sex life, ruin my already abysmal sleep, make me dizzy, give me headaches, more anxiety, make my weight fluctuate and whatever else I’ve heard my friends complain about.

Ace.

[hideandspeaknow]

I Am Not Inferior

Apparently, trying my damned hardest means nothing. I’ve done my very best with everything, situation willing, that I am able to do. I’ve suffered everyday since day one and yet it’s still not good enough. I’ve sacrificed my mental health and have felt suicidal more times in the past year than I have my whole 26 years, but that doesn’t matter does it? Apparantly, I’m only here to make others happy and as long as they are then I must suffer through it.

I’ve told myself that it’s not on my back. That if I can’t handle something or a situation, that it’s okay. I told myself that I’d spent 10 months trying my hardest and getting no where, so it’s okay for me to admit I’m not able to cope. I told myself that it’s okay not to be okay and I stuck by that... until today. Today I was made to feel inferior. I was told by someone else, that it’s not okay, that regardless of how I am feeling, I must make others happy.

At first it made me cry. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. It actually hurt. I cried that they basically told me I didn’t matter. That I was a failure. That it was okay for me to be unhappy for the sake of someone else’s happiness. Dropped it like a bombshell as well. Asked how the dog was doing and then made it about me and my supposed unworthiness. I’m sorry, but no.

It took me two hours. Two hours to get you out of my head. Two hours to realise that it is complete bullshit. What about my mental health? What about my happiness? I am not responsible for anything other than my own health and fuck anyone who tells me any different.

[hideandspeaknow]

Losing Interest

The worst thing about suffering from depression is losing interest in everything that I, once before, loved doing. I don’t think I’ve read a book from start to finish since I graduated from university. I’ve started about 9 books in the last two years and got about halfway through them all and dropped them. They’ve been great books too, but it’s a constant battle with myself to stay focused. I used to read about 50 books a year and in the last two years, I haven’t read a single one.

When watching films I get about a third of the way through and I find myself getting fidgety or losing my patience. So, I go away do something else, like chores and then come back to watch a bit more. I used to watch so many films. I used to play a lot of games too, now I’ve got about two I'm currently playing, but can’t be bothered to finish.

You get the gist, but it just sucks. It sucks so hard. I really want to read a book, there’s so many on my to-read list and I just don’t have the will power anymore.

[hideandspeaknow]

It Is Hard...

It is hard sometimes when I make myself feel bad. By this I mean, when I run myself down about something, anything, and make myself feel worthless. I know that I shouldn’t do it, because of all that ‘be kind to yourself’ jazz, but sometimes it’s hard. It’s hard not to compare yourself to someone else. It’s hard not to hate yourself for failing at something. Its hard not to be judgemental towards yourself. It’s hard to not feel good enough.

But do you know what is harder to deal with? When someone else makes you feel that way. That is something I truely don’t understand.

[hideandspeaknow]

Difference of Opinion

It really pisses me off when you do something that another person doesn’t agree with, so they slam you for it.

Like not everyone cage trains, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the behaviour of our dog. But no matter how bad he is, we wanted him to have a safe space. I have nothing against people who don’t crate train, but I think it’s so narrow minded that they slam us.

It’s like when you have a difference of opinion with someone and they can’t let it go, so keep pressuring you into having the same opinion. Then when you don’t they just start calling you names. Like what the hell?

[hideandspeaknow]

Overly Sentimental

Does anyone else get overly attached to things, or is it just me? 

I am terrible for it and I don’t completely 100% understand why I do it. Every time I notice myself doing it I tell myself to stop. That it is going to be okay, but the voice in the back of my mind makes me so emotional about it.

Last year I lost a pen I’d been using since school. Cue all the jokes about ‘showing how much I write,’ but ten years later I lost it and I cried. I cried so hard about it. I cried when my partner sold his first car. Then there was the time he bought me an umbrella the first day we got together because it rained on our date and I lost it New Year's Eve. I didn’t notice I had lost it until a week later, but it hit me hard. I was having a rough week with my mental health and then losing the umbrella just pushed me over. I was walking home getting soaked in the rain, crying... and I mean full-blown, snotty nose crying. Over an umbrella. An umbrella. An umbrella that was probably soon to break anyway, because they’re not made as strong as they were 20 years ago and it had survived a solid 4 years so far.

Is it a mental health thing? Because I am pretty sure there are going to be so many people out there who are going to read this and think, are you feeling alright? Are you mad? You can just get a new one... no big deal. But to me, it is a big deal. It’s not the end of the world kind of big deal, but it’s a big deal in that I feel heartbroken about it. To me, it feels like any small sentimental loss is a big loss.