honestragic - Tumblr blog

[honestragic]

Damn, who wants to buy me heroin?

I have cash app, venmo, fb pay, zelle, you name it. I could send you something in return. Shooting up video or nudes, sexy photos or a phone call. FaceTime or anything like that Id be down for. Just really needing even just 20$ rn. Much love

Reply this post or message me please. In the spirit of the holidays 🎄

XO Haily

[honestragic]

mini life update

yes, yes, it's me and I'm still alive and kicking. doing much better, actually. I got phone now and finally recovered my tumblr after many attempts of trying to remember which email and it's passcode lol. would be smart to update those few things unless this happens again int the future... considering I've gotten my phone stolen almost immediately after getting new nice ones multiple times.. ugh.

anyway, to the things you're probably more curious about. yes I'm still doing the same old thing these days. though I am now going to a recovery group regularly and putting a little effort in. but I know in my heart that I'm just not ready for the commitment and effort I know it will take to get fully sober at this time.

I'm still with the same guy, I'm hoping we can motivate ourselves enough to get jobs and get a small place or room somewhere. that would make me so happy. not showering gives me so many low days with no spiritually nor confidence. we are still in love and very loyal to each other. we've actually been doing super well in our relationship, barely arguing or fighting and cuddling close every freezing night. I truly do love and care for him.

more updates to come. there is sooo much you've missed

Xo Haily

[honestragic]

withdrawing and all I have is this shitty ass pathetic excuse of a rinse... lol funny joke, right? except I’m not joking...

[honestragic]

overdose at safeway

last night I bought my usual 20 sack, she gave me .14, ive been doing them alone lately. I went into the bathroom to shoot up because I felt like it was safer than the car. my thoughts were “if I overdose they’d find me” though I really didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t do the entire thing, I left some for later in the spoon because I had this batch a few days ago and I know it’s really strong. I shot it and it felt amazing, the warmth went through my chest and out through the rest of my body. I sat there for a minutes to enjoy it. it was so strong that my vision was a bit distorted. after a few minutes I knelt next to the toilet to clean my rig. I was cleaning it and that’s the last thing I remember.

someone said “are you alright?” I opened my eyes to find myself face down on the floor, my head near the edge of the stall, a completely different area than the last place I remembered being. they probably saw me passed out there because my face was close to the opening at the bottom of the stall door. I got up in pure confusion saying “oh yeah, sorry” I started to panic a bit. I looked around; my rig was out of my hand, but out of sight thank god. unless they looked under the stall to get a better look at me they wouldn’t have seen it. my spoon was above, on the toilet paper holder, so no one saw that. I scrambled myself upright and started cleaning things up as quickly as I could. I put everything away and waited for whoever was out there to leave before exiting the stall.

when I looked in the mirror I realized I had blood on my face, my chin was cracked open and bleeding and there was blood smeared up my face near my eye. I must have fallen yet I don’t remember standing up.. I couldn’t believe that I had fallen so hard it broke my skin and was already starting to bruise. I quickly cleaned it off before leaving the restroom. I was so afraid they might have called the police. I had no idea how long I was in there. I think it was almost an hour.

after the panic of getting out of there subsided, and I knew I was safe again, I was left with blurry vision and extreme calmness after my adrenaline passed.

I don’t know exactly what happened to me.. if I had just nodded off that long and that deep, or if I almost overdosed there in that bathroom stall. either way I am shocked that it happened and beyond glad no one called the police

[honestragic]

dread

I’ve been using behind people’s backs and I’m scared to go through withdrawal now that I have no way to descreetly use. I’m scared of the shivers and the constant trips to the bathroom. scared of the body aches and the fatigue. scared to have to go to work through it all, and possibly lose my job by not going or calling out for too long. scared of what it will look like to those I’ve been hiding my active use from. just dreading it all. and I know it will come.

[honestragic]

dealer went to detox

my favorite dealer’s going to detox today and I’m going to have no way to get dark by myself. I’m happy for her but I almost don’t actually care at the same time. I’m selfish. she was the only one who would and could deliver to me without me having to tell anyone else. she kept my secrets. she was quick. she was efficient. she wrote my name and drew hearts on my sacks for me. I’ll miss her.

[honestragic]

nightmare in love

my boyfriend so abusive when he’s high on heroin. the way he treats me even when he’s sober is extremely questionable. he turns into someone else when he’s high. he’ll pick on me for anything I do. he’ll bully me in front of anyone. he makes sure I know my place. he treats me like I’m his misbehaving pet. he’s even called me that before. he calls me names and complains about how stupid I am. he’s gotten very creative in the ways he calls me stupid. he’ll say “I’m never dating someone with aspergers again.” , “this isn’t special ed.” , “you’d need a higher IQ to understand.” , “I love you, it’s ok that your so stupid.” , “I should have left you the moment I knew you were autistic.” I’ve heard it so many times I’m almost numb to it now, I used to cry every time he’d do it but now I just try to do anything to calm him down. I do exactly as he says and even then he finds something to be disgusted with me about. he makes this face of pure disgust and won’t even look at me, even when I’m trying to comfort him. he won’t let me touch him, if I try he gets very mad and tenses up and says “get off me. don’t touch me.” he’ll shake me off if I try to hug him. I don’t think he loves me. part of me knows he doesn’t, no one would be so cruel to someone they love and cherish. it breaks my heart.

I’m delusional. trying to hold onto something I know isn’t there. if I let myself do this any longer there will be none of me left to give.

[honestragic]

lying to his face

I’m literally buying heroin right now waiting for my dealer to get here, and my boyfriend is sitting right next to me with no clue. when did I become this person?

[honestragic]

are you okay?

when are you coming home?

soon...

when?

soon. you’re holding out right?

can you come today?

yeah... I’ll come. I’ll come today...

[honestragic]

signs of using

how do my friends and family think I’m sober? how do they believe I haven’t done heroin since I got out of rehab? It makes no sense.

It wasn’t even my idea to go to rehab, I was forced into it. and then I was homelsss coming out of there. why and how could I have stayed sober in a situation like that?

not only that but I have track marks, my face is picked half the time they see me. I stay in my room all day and sleep, I randomly get sick with no other symptoms than those of withdrawal. I puke randomly. I won’t eat some days. wouldn’t someone who loves me realize this shit? it’s sad that I’ve gotten away with it this long.

my mom still gives me money and doesn’t wonder where it all goes. I don’t even have a job.

it makes no sense

[honestragic]

withdrawal

wow. I forgot how much it hurts. I feel terrible. why do I do this to myself

[honestragic]

desperate

I feel so out of it right now. I broke down crying because I don’t have more than 4 dollars and I want heroin so bad. the only way I’d be able to get any is if I stole from my mom or somehow managed to get a front. I just texted my dealer and I’m praying I’ll be able to find some money before she responds or that she trusts me enough to give me a front. she’s so sweet she might do it. I’m dying inside. I don’t even know why I need it this bad, I’m not having withdraws I’m just so sad and empty. I hate myself and my life. I just want to feel good right now. I’m so fucking tired of feeling like this. it’s times like this when I wish I’d stolen that cash when I saw it, should’ve saved that dollar when I had it. please let this end, god help me feel better.

[honestragic]

love exists in my syringe,

love is all that’s real

“Love exists in powders, love exists in pills”

—

[honestragic]

is it just me

or does heroin smell a lot like blood

[honestragic]

[honestragic]

[honestragic]

this made me laugh