hopeisstronger-blog1

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Is ‘2 snacks 100 max’ perpetuating disordered eating?

When I was eight, I didn’t know what a calorie was. I didn’t know how many you should or should not eat, I just ate what I wanted and what my parents fed me. I was happy, healthy and I had a perfectly normal relationship with food. In that case, ignorance was bliss. Today, I know the number of calories in everything. Give me a slice of bread, a teaspoon of butter, an egg or a cereal bar, I will…

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Returning to uni: the good, the bad, and the scary

After a whole year at home, doing little more than attend therapy appointments, make meal plans, cry over said meal plans, volunteer at my old primary school and do hundreds of crosswords, I was heading back to uni. I’m not going to say that the past year was transformative or healing or even that it helped me recover, because it didn’t and I am still fighting anorexia day after day. It was a…

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The ostrich, the rhino, the kangaroo and the dolphin

The ostrich, the rhino, the kangaroo and the dolphin

In the Maudsley model of anorexia treatment, carers and relatives of those with an eating disorder are likened to animals. There are the ostriches: those who bury their heads in the sand and pretend like nothing is happening. There are the rhinos, who charge full steam ahead with the sole intent of getting everything fixed as soon as possible. And there are the kangaroos: they sweep the sufferer…

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Why so anti antidepressants?

Imagine breaking your leg and not taking painkillers? Imagine contracting a chest infection and refusing antibiotics? Imagine suffering from cancer and not receiving chemotherapy? It seems crazy, doesn’t it? Why wouldn’t you take the medicine that has been specifically engineered to help you, to treat you, to relieve you? There is an awful lot of judgement, stigma and debate around the topic of…

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Beach body bullsh*t

It’s that time of year again, when we are bombarded with the message that we are not good enough as we are. From juice fasts to firming lotions, superfoods to diet fads, we are instructed to take drastic action in order to make our bodies acceptable for summer. The message is masked beneath a disguise of health and wellness, with gurus swearing that we’ll never feel better once we have endured…

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Early intervention: the difference between life and death

Early intervention: the difference between life and death

Imagine going to the doctor, and being diagnosed with stage one cancer. How would you feel? Scared? Distressed? Anxious? But also, perhaps, relieved: relieved that it had been caught early, thankful for the speedy referral by your GP, blessed that your chance of making a full recovery was a hopeful 90% rather than the pitiful 15% had your illness been diagnosed at a later stage. You’ll be offered…

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A letter to anorexia 

“Dear Ana, I can’t live without you, but it’s killing me to keep you alive.” These lyrics, from Matthew Koma’s single Dear Ana, ring eerily true. Because you’re killing me, Ana. You’re sucking me dry and you won’t stop until there’s nothing of me left; you won’t stop until I’m dead. I should hate you, I do hate you, but the thought of letting you go, of committing to this evasive recovery that…

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It's okay if all you did today was breathe

It’s okay if all you did today was breathe

The most frustrating thing with recovery, is that it isn’t linear. Like, not even a little bit. There will some days, maybe weeks, maybe even months, when you feel on top of the world. You feel like a majestic unicorn who has overcome such struggle and is bounding forward on an enlightened journey of health and happiness. Or maybe you feel chuffed with yourself because you got out of bed for the…

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Awareness is important, but action is essential

Awareness is important, but action is essential

Today marks the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Week and I can’t help thinking, what’s the point in raising awareness when the state of our mental health system is in disarray? Are we setting people up for disappointment, encouraging them to open up about their struggles yet being unable to offer treatment or therapy? We preach openness, tolerance, empathy, but our words don’t quite measure…

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Recovery and rediscovery 

I try to think about the things that make me, me. I try to think about the things I love and the things that bring me joy, the things which make me feel passionate and proactive and powerful. But this is hard, because so much of me has been sucked dry by anorexia. That’s the thing with an eating disorder: you lose so much more than just weight. You lose your identity too, everything that makes…

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Just breathe: living with anxiety 

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” Anxiety can feel like walking a tightrope across the highest, widest crevice in the world. One wrong move, one toe out of line, and you will fall to your fate. Every decision is weighted and weaved with fear. Arms stretched wide; eyes straight ahead; too terrified to look down; too afraid to look back to see how far you’ve…

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Letting Go, by Emma Woolf

Letting Go, by Emma Woolf

Letting Go is the kind of book which makes you feel like you aren’t alone. It’s the kind of book that could quite easily become your mantra, your guide to life, your bible: it’s already become mine. It’s the kind of book that will set you up for a journey of self-healing that might just change your life entirely. We all know what loneliness feels like. Whether you’re newly single and missing the…

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An empty lantern provides no light 

I struggle to believe that anyone is truly cold-hearted. Perhaps a measly few, but I reckon the vast majority of us are full of empathy and compassion at our core. When I think of all the needy, desperate people in the world, my heart aches. The toddlers orphaned by AIDs; the single mothers working 15 hour days in order to feed their children; earthquake victims who have lost their homes;…

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i’ve always felt like i needed an absolute goal, a direction in life, a motivation, to decide to give up my ED, to decide to try and live better.

it hit me, out of nowhere, that if i keep waiting for something like that, while simultaneously destroying myself, there’s a chance i may be far too weak and destroyed by the time i do come up with something.

of course, the negative voices in my head tell me that maybe there’s no such thing anyway, maybe you won’t even find something you care about enough, maybe you’re just not good enough, maybe you just should continue with the exact way you are. but i’d not only be giving up on the present me, but the future me as well.

and i really, really don’t like that. i don’t like the idea of destroying something that i have yet to even fully experience and hold, and cherish, in my hands, for myself.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that - it doesn’t matter if i don’t know what i want to do right now, if i don’t have a fixed goal or dream that i can actively pursue. the key idea is not destroying the likelihood of being able to pursue that at all, if it manifests in the future, by making sure i take care of the me that exists right now.

even if i’m so disgusted and opposed to preserving and loving myself right now, i need to do it for the me that will exist in five, ten, fifteen months, years. i need to do it for the me that i will be, that may suddenly have dreams and aspirations and wishes that the current me just cannot imagine.

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It's never too late to make a change 

It’s never too late to make a change 

I’m bored of anorexia. I’m bored of waking up each morning and subconsciously running my fingers over my hip bones to check I’m still thin. I’m bored of planning every meal of the day to ensure I won’t accidentally consume an unspeakable number of calories. I’m bored of choosing foods based purely on their calorie content and I’m bored of eating these boring foods. I’m bored of spending the vast…

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Hiding in plain sight

Hiding in plain sight

Like an enemy lying in wait, the anorexic mindset exists among us. Perhaps not in its most extreme, brutal state, but in the comments and remarks, actions and decisions many of us make every single day. Choosing not to eat that slice of cake in a café, picking the lowest calorie salad for lunch, running that extra mile in the morning despite your sore feet and aching muscles. The vast majority of…

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A nation obsessed with starvation 

Every day, everywhere, we are surrounded by the idea of thin privilege. Society fiercely advocates the thin ideal, brandishing weight loss ads and fitness regimes that promise a life transformed once pounds have been shed. Studies are beginning to show that slimmer individuals are judged as more competent and successful that their overweight counterparts, whilst research is even indicating that…