i-escaped-hell

[i-escaped-hell]

So today I think I want to start talking about the cult my parents joined and tried to force me to join at 18.

The truth is while it felt very out of left field, my parents had long fallen into the rabbit hole over the years. We had attended a few events prior to joining their church when I was 17, such as their Passover event. At the time I thought it was just them being interested in partaking in a reenactment of the biblical feast, since before everything we were Baptist Christians. They even pitched it to me as such.

“It’s just a neat experience that we want to see.”

There was nothing too off to me about their interest at the time, and it did sound interesting, but little did I know, this was the beginning of the end.

We attended the Passover service that was hosted in a hotel event room, my mother was invited by the wife of the church leader. She met her through a toddler homeschooling program ages ago, and as I’m aware they weren’t ever super close before.

The service was long and droning. It actually made me really anxious because there was a lot of repetition, as well as call and response.

(For those unfamiliar, they’re like long texts that one person recites and the rest finish the sentences off with a repetitive phrase i.e. leader: “When God led the Israelites out of the desert he gave them food and shelter” all: “May his mercy endure.”)

It also felt like the service went on forever, not like in a bored teenager way, but in a feeling like I’m running out of air way. The red flags were subtle enough to miss in a one off session, but also glaring if you were looking for them. My mother was abnormally obsessed with what I was going to wear, and how I was going to act, and what I was going to say.

Don’t get me wrong, she was always like that, but this felt different. It could have been brushed off as her wanting me to acceptable at a nice dinner setting, but I know now that this feast was a test run for their acceptance into their church which is why it was so important.

Tomorrow I’ll try to post more about the cult: like what religion they exactly are, what the meetings were like, what the people were like, and how it played a big part in me running away.

Stay tuned!!!

[i-escaped-hell]

My life has been changing rapidly in so many ways. Some of the changes are good, some of them bad.

For those who are unfamiliar with my situation I’ll sum everything up really quick.

My name is Wren, I’m a 20 year old art college student, I’ve been trapped in a state of hyper dependency living with my two controlling abusive parents for as long as I can remember.

About 6 weeks ago I ran away from home, just a day before Passover. My parents are apart of a cult that’s based in North Carolina, and joined about two years ago. Ever since they’ve been trying to force me to convert to their new religion even though I’m an adult.

They used their religion as a means to control my income, they never taught me how to drive, my mother homeschooled me very poorly since I was 5, so I’ve been greatly disadvantaged in college, my parents are anti-vax and anti-doctor, so I’ve been to the doctor very few times in my life, and my dad just let my mother do whatever she wanted to me leaving her totally unchecked.

If you’re interested in the details of my story please consider following or reblogging, I already have a few posts from when I was still in my situation up, but I do plan on regularly posting more information about my situation, about how I managed to run away, and about the consequences of running away. So if that sounds interesting, you’ll be hearing from me tomorrow.

[i-escaped-hell]

There’s a huge sickening pit in my chest.

I’m 20 years old and I dared to get a bob cut, and when I got home my started screaming at me and calling me ugly and that she would never forgive me for “choosing to be ugly” I couldn’t believe it and said “well maybe I like looking ugly!!”

I begged my father to say anything to my mother about her behavior, and that I am scared of her, and he promised that he would but he didn’t say shit.

I put my foot down and told him very sternly that I will not be attending the Passover service though and now I’ve been given a solid reason.

I will provide screenshots below on that interaction.

I bought a duffel bag yesterday, I packed all of my important belongings and clothes in it and the fucking SECOND she starts anymore shit I’m fucking gone.

I told them repeatedly that I wanted to make it work, I begged them to make my life bearable for the last 4 weeks of the semester, but nope, they can’t even give me that.

I’m at the point that I don’t care if I’m broke, I don’t care if I’m homeless, I don’t care if there’s a month left in the college semester, and I’m tired of changing for them, THEY CHANGE or I am GONE

[i-escaped-hell]

What if I just ran away, like for real, 2 days until Passover and I really don’t want to go

[i-escaped-hell]

There’s 6 days until Passover.

I was scheduled to work that day.

My mom has forbade me to work that day, but there’s no way out of that shift, and I need the money.

She paid $60 dollars without my permission to attend their church service Passover event.

She believes that if I don’t go “I’ll bring a curse upon my father’s household.”

She thinks she can bully me out of it, and she’ll scorch the earth I stand upon if I don’t go, but I just need her to let me at least finish this semester of college before she makes my life even worse.

I’m going to therapy Tuesday and hopefully my therapist will have some solutions, but I’m so scared.

I just need a place to live just a little longer and then they can throw me out. I don’t know what im going to do.

[i-escaped-hell]

I’m slowly pulling my life together. I feel so alone and terrified in this process. I’m scared my parents will sabotage me somehow. It’s the “what if they find a way to hurt just for wanting to leave” and the “what if they hunt me down if I do escape” that drive me insane.

I know im 20 but they have so much control over my life still.

I’m doing everything I can to get out ASAP though, I got approved for my first credit card, im going to request a copy of my birth certificate from the state, I’m buying supplies in preparation of leaving. My partner has also been teaching me to drive and I’m super close to my license!

My parents have found out I do plan on moving in with my partner though. But they’re satiated with the idea because they think I’m going to get married and pop out grandchildren for them to ruin too.

I’m not being forced into marriage, but they don’t need to know that yet. My mother is convinced that she’s going to be able to control my marriage, but she won’t. I won’t let her.

And I will get married and have a child on my own terms and only if I want to!

I’m not going to get bullied into it, I will not let her lay her hands on any child of mine, she will never know my child’s name. She will NEVER be a grandmother.

She doesn’t deserve the honor of knowing where her bloodline is going or if it ever continued. She and my father should have been better parents if they truly wanted that.

[i-escaped-hell]

Sometimes I feel like my brain is melting

I want to run away from home so desperately

Like an animal needs food

I need to escape

How am I going to escape from this?

I’m at least trapped until the summer and that’s the best case scenario

It’s so hard feeling motivated and committed to something that feels impossible

[i-escaped-hell]

TW: ABUSE

God it’s so painful

So unimaginably excruciating

I’m mourning someone who’s alive and fully cognizant

Last week my mom screamed to me she hated me couldn’t love me and that we could never have a good relationship because I’m so unlikable. I feel so betrayed by her, my mother, my flesh and blood, the woman who chose to have me, the monster who’s lied to and abused and manipulated me-

Has the AUDACITY to HATE me

She couldn’t turn me into a mini her and for that im unworthy of her affection if she can even feel it

I hate her because she hurt me, but she hates me because I won’t let her hurt me anymore and it’s really fucking me up.

She’s so cruel…

[i-escaped-hell]

Hi, just like the blog title entails, I feel like I’m trapped in hell, a never ending, soul breaking, continuous upward climb.

My name is Wren.

You can choose to believe the information I share on here or you can choose to take it as fiction, I don’t really care.

My goal is to at least try to share/document what has happened/happening to me, my struggles and so forth.

If my impact gives just one person like me hope, then that’s enough.