iamgodsoopsie - Tumblr blog

[iamgodsoopsie]

* on the ground sobbing*

The thought that after Astarion ascends he’s still… in there, somewhere, screaming? That keeps me up at night

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably WILL like) Pt. 1:

More Astarion headcanons that are mostly me projecting onto a fictional character to help me process my own trauma but this time they're HAPPIER!

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler Warning!

Mental illness, SA, & DV Trigger Warnings

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or Wish.com Cazador.

He didn't realize how much tension he was carrying until he started healing his trauma.

-> He was inflicted with so much pain on the daily that the tension caused by chronic stress didn't register.

->-> One day he realizes that being tense is no longer his default. He is relaxed in a way he didn't know was possible.

->->-> He feels free. Well and truly free.

He still has panic attacks and flashbacks, but they're lessening in frequency and intensity.

-> Finally being in tune with his body, he is now able to feel when he is getting to a not so great headspace.

->-> He is able to stop the panic attacks/ episodes before they even begin.

->->-> He is very proud of this. As he should be!

↑ He feels actual self-pride and has good self-esteem. What was once a haughty façade is now a proud reality.

-> He's still an arrogant little shit, but now he is one (almost) purely for trolling lmao. He's a high elf after all, snobbery is in their nature.

Restful sleep/ trance!

->->The first time he sleeps/trances through the night day without nightmares or horrific memories plaguing him is a big day for him.

.

He likes being "alive". Even though he can't enjoy life in the sun (for now). Even with his ever present hunger. For the first time in a long time the good outweighs the bad.

He has hope again. And it almost feels better than freedom, almost.

[iamgodsoopsie]

Finally got to watch Hazbin Hotel

Angel Dust x Husk is my otp and current obsession. I am not a huge fan of the huskerdust ship name, but that's because I can't fucking talk. Years of speech therapy just defenestrated.

TBH angelhusk sounds too much like Angel Dust for me, so I suppose huskerdust is the lesser of the two evils.

Might I propose the ship name of "Spider Pussy"?

[iamgodsoopsie]

If I had a nickel for every time I...

became hyper-fixated on a fictional 'dead' effeminate man with white hair who's been forced into sex work I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 3:

Part 1 link

Part 2 link

More Astarion headcanons that are mostly me projecting onto a fictional character to help me process my own trauma!

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & SH (suicidal ideation) Trigger Warnings: More descriptive and potentially triggering than part 1, but about equal to part 2.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or wish.com Cazador.

Have things been going well for awhile? Is he reclaiming his sexuality at an exponential rate? Does he think he's practically conquered his trauma?

-> If you said 'Yes' to any of the questions above, then be ready for: A trigger he didn't know he had hitting him out of no where and setting his mental health on fire.

->-> If he's at a place in his healing journey that he is able to recognize what happening and use his healthy coping tools/ honest communication to process his unexpected emotional (maybe literal) flashback then it'll be a not fun time for him, but he'll get through it fairly quickly with minimal mental damage.

->->-> If this happens closer to the beginning of his healing journey then be ready for him to spiral and catastrophize. He'll insist that he'll never truly be free of Cazador, that he's broken, that he isn't allowed to be happy, etc. All you can really do during this time is be there for him. Reassure him that you love him and that you believe that he will get better.

->↑ This is a normal part of the healing process, it's shitty and God-awful- but it gets easier to manage and happens less frequently over time.

Even if he weren't an immortal vampire he's still a high-elf and will probably outlive you. And boy oh boy the pressure he's going to put himself under to hurry up and heal is going to be immense AND counterproductive!

-> Poor bby is terrified that he'll finally be happy only for it to be ripped away from him.

->-> Him rushing his healing will only make it harder for him to heal, and he knows this. But Gods damn it all he can't seem to shake the feeling that he's running out of time (okay Hamilton).

->->-> I gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue how to help him with this. I suppose that the only thing you can do is love him with the time ya'll have.

->->->-> TBH I can see him deciding that he'll KHS when you die. I know you have the best intentions, but asking him to live for you after your gone will (probably) be perceived as very manipulative.

->↑ I honestly don't think ya'll are going to come to an agreement on this if you're vehemently against the notion. It may be best to make your preference known and then leave the topic alone- as pressing it will only cause him to double down. (After 200 years of not being allowed to make any decisions for himself, he's not going to let anyone tell him how to 'live' or die).

Surviving "200 years of shit, PURE. SHIT!" had to have been exhausting. And healing from trauma is exhausting. All Astarion wants to do is rest but he feels that he can't truly rest until he heals from his trauma and he's so damn tired and has to keep dealing with this shit and he really wants to give up somedays but he'll be damned if he lets Cazador 'win'.

->↑ Healing is hard work. But it is so damn worth it.

I'll go back and edit any grammar and spelling mistakes later, but I'd really like to post this now.

[iamgodsoopsie]

I love this theory, but it could also be a point towards @autistichalsin 's autistic Halsin theory. I have autism and my senses are heightened to the point that things no one else notices bother tf outta me. Perhaps Halsin is trying to find an explanation for his differences from most other humanoids and the bear is the most logical and obvious choice.

Yet another random werebear Halsin truther post:

Halsin repeatedly talks about his enhanced sense of smell. In one instance in act three he laments that bears have the best sense of smell of all animals, and that it's unfortunate because they're in an awful-smelling place at that moment.

Druids do not retain benefits of their wildshape in their normal form.

HOWEVER, if Halsin was a werebear...

[iamgodsoopsie]

*foaming at the mouth*

Halsin/person of your choice post-canon domesticity kink at Halsin's commune tho. Can we discuss this. Can we discuss Halsin's partner being extremely turned on seeing Halsin shift to a retired house husband

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 2:

Part 1 link

Part 3 link

More Astarion headcanons! (that are mostly me projecting but with an Astarion flavored twist.)

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & DV Trigger Warnings: I cannot stress these enough this post is much more descriptive and potentially triggering than part one was.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or Wish.com Cazador.

I hope you're ready for abrupt mood swings.

--- One minute he's codependent and can't make a decision on his own because he's overwhelmed, the next he's hyper-independent and will take offense at any suggestion you make.

----- Astarion is aware that staying in either of the two extremes is unhealthy and would eventually lead him to acting like Cazador.

^ This ties into point two: You need walk the fine line between patient and understanding while he processes "200 years of Shit. PURE SHIT!". And at the same time you need to be firm in your own boundaries with how you allow him to treat you.

--- He's gone 200 years without autonomy and has no memory of what life was like before Cazador turned him. He has no frame of reference other than romance novels and watching couples interact with each other from afar.

-----TBH the best thing for him is to stay in regular contact with Halsin. The man has the same flavor as trauma as Astarion while also having strong boundaries and open honest/ healthy communication in his relationships. He can unjudgementally help Astarion navigate the pitfalls of his healing journey through first hand experience.

Plus Ultra Catholic levels of guilt.

--- Guilt for what he did while he was a spawn. Guilt for how he started his relationship with you (even after you've told him you forgive him multiple times). Guilt for how he lashes out at the one person who has shown him unconditional love (you). Guilt because he feels like he's dragging you down into his darkness and tainting you. Guilt because he fears he's pulling you down to bring himself up. Guilt for feeling guilty because it doesn't absolve him of his sins and makes healing harder.

Self-esteem issues

--- He was SA'd for 200 years, he was forced into prostitution, he was tortured in every conceivable way, he was made to do reprehensible things and learned to find "joy" in them because he would've lost all of himself and his humanity otherwise.

------ His inner saboteur (who sounds like Cazador and himself simultaneously- adding to his self hate) tells him that he is disgusting, wrong, filthy, a burden, unlovable, undeserving of happiness, a monster.

------- Like everything else these thoughts will become less frequent and easier for him to handle as time goes on. All you can do is love him while he self-flagellates and hates himself. One day he'll see himself as you see him.

^ Tying into all the points above, especially the one right before this one. You're going to feel useless. Most of the time all you can do is demonstrate your love for him and sit there with him while he is bombarded with years of repressed feelings forcing their way out.

--- In the beginning your attempts to help him will frequently seem to have the opposite of their intended effect.

----- It's important that you be honest with him about how you're doing mentally. It does him no favors if you set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

------- You'll be angry on his behalf and can't exact revenge.

--------- That being said you are helping him so much more than you think you are. I cannot express in words how much just being there while Astarion slogs through the painful process of healing will help him.

^ ALL of these will get less intense and easier to deal with in time. He will heal and move on from his horrid past. But, it will involve a lot of trial and error. He will have periods of exponential growth followed by a hard backslide in progress. But he will get there.

I wouldn't say that loving Astarion is hard, but it does involve conscious effort on both his and your parts.

[iamgodsoopsie]

I just want to say how proud I am of the Halsin fan corner of the fandom for being so supportive and encouraging to survivors. It's really heartening to see and I appreciate all of you so much for it. <3

[iamgodsoopsie]

I personally see this as him pushing past his own boundaries in fear of losing Tav, but that is something he has to figure out through trial and error.

I learned similar lessons first hand.

I get frustrated a bit when I hear people say that Astarion isn't okay with the Astarion x PC x Halsin relationship and only says yes to make the PC happy or so he doesn't lose the PC.

I just don't think that Larian (and Neil Newbon) would build an entire storyline for this character about being a SA survivor and then turn around and invalidate all of it just to do a 'hehehe you can also kiss Bear Daddy' thing.

Astarion does ask if you're interested in Halsin because at that point the two of you haven't slept together in a while. And he does seem genuinely worried when he asks. But when you reassure him that isn't the case and nothing will change between you, he's okay with it.

A huge aspect of Astarion's character growth is him coming to understand he has agency and value as a person. And not just agency and choice in the bigger picture sense, but also how he chooses to use his body.

By the point Halsin propositions you in Act 3, Astarion has asked the PC to refrain from sex because he's not comfortable doing it for the time being. The PC can even tell him in Act 2 that they don't have to have sex for as long as he needs. (Which I take to mean possibly forever.) The point is the emotional relationship is more important than the physical one. You've demonstrated through action in the drow scene, and possibly straight up told him afterward, that you don't expect him to do things he doesn't want to do. That you respect his agency. And he seems to both get and embrace that message.

This is a huge step for Astarion, who was forced to use his body and sexuality in service to another for 200 years. That trauma doesn't go away overnight, but I just feel like if he's confident and comfortable enough in his relationship to ask to refrain from sex, and trust that the PC will respect his choice, he would be confident enough to tell them if he truly wasn't okay with them being with Halsin.

[iamgodsoopsie]

"astarion is asexual astarion HATES sex boohoo-" He. doesn't hate it. he is heavily traumatized by it but. wants. to. fucking. reclaim. ADN ENJOY IT. with someone. he. lo ves. THAT. is literally such a big fucking part of his character

[iamgodsoopsie]

This

As an SA survivor genuinely gonna need non-SA survivors specifically to shut up about the graveyard scene with Astarion not being consensual or about the drow brothel scene proving he can't actually consent and blah blah blah forcing Astarion into things and acting like healing is linear and he has no autonomy at all.

To say those things and accuse others of taking away his agency and crossing his boundaries because he couldn't possibly genuinely consent is in turn taking away his agency and disregarding his boundaries.

SA survivors are not fragile little things for you to infantilize and treat like glass and like you should never even talk about sex or imply that we can have sex again in front of us. Thank you for treating me like what I choose to consent to and my autonomy doesn't matter.

Astarion's arc is about him healing and sometimes having setbacks and him being confident and safe enough to say no but also confident and safe enough to say yes. And sometimes that yes really works for him (graveyard scene, something he initiates and makes sure pc is okay with as well). And sometimes it doesn't (the drow brothel scene where he clearly desires the capability to do it and wants to try and so he consents and even though it didn't work for him ultimately it's something he is capable of consenting to and wants to try. This is shown clearly by the fact that if his quest isn't completed he will say no. If he truly wasn't able to actually consent himself then he would've either said no or said yes both times, the fact that there is a difference depending on where he is in his story says a lot).

This also is applicable to him being polyam and people arguing on whether he's really comfortable with Halsin and if he's actually polyam. He is perfectly okay to say no to being polyam with other characters. He has no problem asking you to either be exclusive with him or to break up with him and be with another character if it's not Halsin. It's extremely likely that he's new to a polyam dynamic as he's also fairly new to having a genuine loving relationship in general. It's not that he minds being polyam or that it upsets him if tav/durge is with Halsin, it's likely just unfamiliar adding a new person when he's also kind of figuring out what he still wants with tav/durge and what they are.

Astarion can consent to things and does and will put a stop to things if his boundaries are crossed or he feels unsafe or uncomfortable. Yes, he has setbacks and things that still make him uncomfortable, but he will straight up leave if it goes too far for him. To imply he (and in turn other SA survivors) cannot consent because he has trauma and he's still healing just says you don't actually respect his autonomy. Him being able to say yes and that yes being respected and understood is just as important as him being able to say no.

Astarion's choices are all things he consents, even the very first sex scene with him. Are they all the healthiest choices? No. Are they all still things he himself consented to? Yes.

Fuck off and leave SA survivors and what we do with our bodies and our autonomy and our healing the fuck alone, the infantilization is fucking infuriating.

[iamgodsoopsie]

Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 1:

Part 2 link

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & DV Trigger Warnings

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or Wish.com Cazador.

He needs a LOT of love and patience. Which, frankly, many people don't have.

He's messy af. If "Damn bitch, you live like this?" was a person it'd be him. C-PTSD is a hell of a drug. I think he wants to be more organized and clean than he is, it's just going to be a looong process for his inside appearance to match his outside appearance. (His appearance may stay mostly the same or drastically change).

---Don't believe me? Just look at the outside of his tent: it's mostly organized and sophisticated, but the inside is messy and he sleeps on a plank of wood with a threadbare stained blanket.

He'll struggle with control issues rooted in his anxiety until he finds a way to channel that energy in to something productive and/or healthy.

---He'll veer between controlling micromanager (aggressive) and door mat (people pleasing/ passive) until he finds his (assertive) middle ground.

Anger issues ahoy! He went through "200 years of shit. PURE SHIT!" and had to dissociate/repress his feelings to 'survive'.

---Stabbing Cazador was cathartic, but it only released the surface level of his repressed rage.

-----An interesting line from the game that I haven't seen enough people talk about: When you tell Astarion to keep his cool when Cazador is goading him, Cazador scoffs and sarcastically asks Tav if they've witnessed his "fits of rage". (Of course a "fit of rage" to Cazador is probably Astaion having a slight frown when Cazador wants him to smile and be a pretty toy to show off.)

He will try to push you away and 'test' you to see if you stay consistent in respecting him and his boundaries. He needs to make sure you don't turn into a Cazador when you two are in an argument. He needs to be sure that his "No" is respected when in a steamy moment after a dry spell.

---This probably won't be as intense as it otherwise would've been because of what you two went through together, but he'll still do it.

-----He probably doesn't realize what he's doing, and when he does he'll shame spiral.

I hope you are prepared to patiently give lots of reassurance and affirmation about the same things over and over again.

---It'll sometimes seem as though he is seeking permission, but if you ever act as though you are giving him permission instead of affirmation/ reassurance he will become very defensive.

He's indecisive but unwilling to listen to your input.

---He went from 200 years of having no control or ability to make his own decisions to suddenly being free, he's going to feel overwhelmed.

-----He'll eventually realize that you have his best interest at heart and that you are not telling him what to do, you're offering suggestions to help him make an informed decision.

There's so much more but I'm tired. He'll eventually heal and live a happy and healthy life, but it'll be a bumpy road to get there.

[iamgodsoopsie]

What I think of you based on who you stan/simp for in MHA, Part 2:

STUDENTS 1-A & 3-A:

Midoriya: You're a (well meaning) try hard. Setting yourself on fire to keep others warm is not healthy or sustainable.

Shoto: You have a whole lotta baggage that I don't even want to begin to unpack. Do I even have to mention the unresolved daddy issues?

Uraraka: You need to stop playing the nice girl and embrace your inner bitch.

Iida: I am TERRIFIED of whatever inner demons you're repressing.

Yaoyorozu: I will have to eat you when the revolution comes, but I will cry as I do so.

Aoyama: You're exhausting to be around.

Sato: I forgot that you exist.

Koda: You're a wholesome bean.

Hagakure: You want to look at porn but you're too young to do so.

Jiro: You are either goth or you play music without headphones in public.

Asui: You're chill. Like, actually chill.

Ojiro: You're the Hufflepuffs of the MHA fandom.

Shouji: Are you really misunderstood, or are you just a teenager?

Sero: You are underrated.

Kirishima: He is the only instance of non-toxic masculinity that you have ever encountered.

Bakugou: GO TO THERAPY!

Ashido: You have ADHD, but it is not well managed.

Kaminari: You also have ADHD, but you are either unmedicated or undiagnosed.

Shinsou: You're trying your best even though you're depressed.

Tokoyami: You are either in the middle of, or never grew out of, your middle-school super cringe emo phase. It's not a phase mom!

Dark Shadow: You're super chill until you're not.

Mineta: I hate you.

Mirio: Your positivity is bordering on being toxic. You also probably like Fallout.

Amajiki: You're a sub who lies to themselves about being a dom.

Nejire: I, too, wish to be effortlessly pretty and well liked.

[iamgodsoopsie]

What I think of you based on who you stan/simp for in MHA, Part 1:

PRO HEROS:

Aizawa: You're depressed, but functioning.

Mic: You have ADHD, but it's well managed. (Have you taken your meds today?)

Midnight: Most fanfiction is NOT a good guide for safe, realistic, BDSM practices.

Thirteen: Hello my nonbinary pals!

Nezu: People who underestimate you because of your cute façade have made a terrible mistake.

Power Loader: You spend waaaaay too much money on Lego sets that you don't may or may not actually build.

Snipe: The wild west is cool, just please learn how to properly handle a gun before you even think about touching one.

Ectoplasm: You're the kid/guy who everyone thinks will bring a gun to school/work. You won't, but you give off that vibe.

Cementoss: Your quest for inner peace is not yet over, good job on your progress so far.

Vlad King: The genre of porn you're looking for is called Bara, you're welcome.

Fat Gum: You give off ideal-older-brother vibes.

Sir Nighteye: Once people get to know you then they see how cool you are, but until then they just think that you're a fucking weirdo. (They're not wrong tbh, but you're a cool fucking weirdo).

Endeavor: Stop making excuses for abusive people. If they've been abusive, then the only way they're going to change is through intense therapy that takes place over a long period of time. They won't just suddenly be better, if they act like they are then they're manipulating you.

Hawks: People think you're cool but instead of it giving you confidence it gives you imposter syndrome.

Mirko: You want her to crush your head in-between her thighs (me too).

All Might: You're rapidly heading down a path that will lead you to severe burn out- if you're not there already.

Best Jeanist: You should really address your control issues.

Edge Shot: More like edge-lord! Jk, you're a fucking weeb (like me).

Kamui Woods: You're not sure how you've gotten this far, but you're going to keep doing what you've been doing since it seems to be working.

Mt. Lady: You're into vore and/or macrophilia, don't even try to deny it.

Rock Lock: You are the only person in your friend group with any common sense.

Ryukyu: I'd say that you should checkout r/dragonsfuckingcars (CW: NSFW, 18+, Reddit), but you already know about it.

Hound Dog: Just admit you're a furry and move on.

Ms. Joke: AIZAWA IS MY HUSBANDO, STAY AWAY!

Gang Orca: Your looks/disposition scare people away when all you want is to be loved.

Wild Wild Pussycats: You're LGBTQA+, or an ally.

Gran Torino: He's your old man goals.

Recovery Girl: She's your old lady goals (mine too).

Crimson Riot: He's the positive masculine figure that you wish you had growing up.

Selkie: You look (◣_◢) , but your personality is (UwU).

Other: People tend to forget about you even if you're really cool.

[iamgodsoopsie]

Shinsou's Eyebags

So I've been browsing the MHA fandom and the consensus on Shinsou's eyebags is that they're there because he's a sleep-deprived insomniac.

HOWEVER! I propose an alternative theory that I haven't seen in the general fandom before:

His eye bags are genetic.

I have cousins who have eyebags no matter how much they sleep. They've had them since birth. Their eyebags become much more prominent when they're tired or stressed (ie: Shinsou during the sports festival) .

I don't have anything against the idea that his eyebags are because of insomnia, I feel it fits well in many MHA fanfictions and theories. But it'd be nice to see a new take on him, ya know?

[iamgodsoopsie]

I don't make art for you. I don't make art for me. I make it for the little goblin in my head who pokes my brain with a comedically large stick until I put his ideas down on paper.