ididoktoday - Tumblr blog

[ididoktoday]

Finally got my ducks in a row and started writing a memoir. Saving the good shit for Scrivener.

[ididoktoday]

If you ever can’t sleep in the middle of the night, remember there’s a nice lady baker with a bandana in her hair who’s awake with you and making delicious crusty baguettes who used to feel a lot like you a lot of the time. You’re not alone.

[ididoktoday]

A short story about a small bird

Today,

I walked down a busy city sidewalk

And noticed a bird on a bench.

It didn’t fly away like birds always do when I get close enough.

It stayed planted,

a little yellow stripe at the end of its tail.

I sat down next to it.

It yawned its mouth and let out a series of cheeps that explained everything.

Sometimes, we stay when we should flee because we’re so young that we don’t yet have the skills we need to save ourselves.

(Yet.)

I sat with it, and it turned its small face up to me.

I paused and considered us, two curious animals together on a city bench.

I worried for the future of my companion.

After a liminal time, I looked up to see the bird’s caretaker, staying close, a little yellow stripe at the end of its tail.

I thought of my mother, witnessing my suffering and standing by.

My small child’s heart wanted to nest my hands around that ruffled, searching nugget and run with it to a place of respite.

But my wise mind smiled at me, took my own hand, and led me down the street.

There was no motherly betrayal there on that bench once I gave my weight to my feet and walked away.

There was only a small bird with a larger one close by.

[ididoktoday]

If you ever think it’s too late to start over, remember your pal right here.

I’m 35 and so far I’ve been:

A teen McDonald’s fry cook

An unchallenged retail associate

An overwhelmed undergraduate music major (no privilege here, up to my eyeballs in loan debt)

A screen printer

An extremely overwhelmed graduate music major (more loans!)

A flute teacher

A server

A bartender

A beer educator

A suddenly sober human

A barista

A cafe general manager

And I just restarted again as an artisan baker.

It’s ok to respawn and try something new. Life will keep going and so will you.

[ididoktoday]

A bird trusts the neighborhood enough to stick its whole upper body in the bird feeder. A cat observes behind glass.

The poem begins:

There’s a generation of birds outside my door

Who have only known abundance,

A world where nourishment fills every corner.

May the Universe fill my bowl in kind.

[ididoktoday]

Test Flights

Young birds take test flights.

Rain whispers through reaching branches.

A gray and white cat raises his forehead for a kiss.

[ididoktoday]

What I saw on my walk today:

Two hopeful waste management pros trying valiantly to crush a couch with a garbage compactor truck (*crunchcrunchcrunchcrunchCRUNCHCRUNCH*)

A person walking two parrots in a stroller cage (they seemed polite and interested in the neighborhood)

[ididoktoday]

Breath

leads to liminal space

and back around to breath.

[ididoktoday]

Daily prayer

Today,

may I meet my needs so fully and lavishly

that any request for help that comes my way

feels completely within my capability and resources.

Especially

a request for help from myself.

[ididoktoday]

No one is coming to break down my door and catch me in the sinful act of rest.

It is ok to spend time allowing my body to regrow.

[ididoktoday]

Trying to become more comfortable with the experience of community care. Allowing someone to comb and braid back my hair. Allowing someone to hug me when I’m feeling big feelings. Allowing someone to cook for me.

I spent so long starved of community care while working in a position of caring for others that I convinced myself I didn’t need that care myself in the first place. It was something reserved for others. I wondered why I was angry all the time, especially at people who seemed to be having a good time and meeting their needs.

I’m having to take the same one-day-at-a-time approach that I used back in early sobriety here. I’m continually bringing myself back to the idea that meeting my needs isn’t selfish, it’s the thing that makes any good works I might do possible in the first place. An exhausted, stressed out, starving woman is not the person to go to in times of trouble. If I want to be the hero, I have to fuel my body and spirit like a hero deserves.

I have to reach beyond myself to meet my needs. I have to admit vulnerability to the person who can see better than me to trim the back of my hair. I have to admit exhaustion to the person who would cook me dinner because I’m too tired to make something. I have to admit need and lack of knowledge to the person who would love to sell me something from their cool specialty store.

In all things, my goal is to shift my view of community care toward something closer to warmth, joy, and invitation.

[ididoktoday]

🙌🙌🙌thanks OP needed this🙌🙌🙌

When you have to deal with someone that easily feels judged or guilty and may use anger/counter-attack to defend themselves, instead of adding weight to what you want to tell them (eg. making them notice they didn't do something they should have done and therefore even involuntarily "judging" them as not enough and making them feel guilty), try suggesting that there's something that should be done (in general) and then start doing it yourself if you can or ask for their support if you need, in a gentle/even joking way. It will help them remove a weight from their shoulders (and their mind) and you won't make them feel as judged or guilty. Do not address directly to them, be more general. They'll get the drill anyway, but it won't create hostility or a negative emotion that may be poured against you.

We all have mental weights, every chore, every little thing we need to do and end up doing alone, it becomes something heavy in our mind. Having help and support by someone else, having them doing any little thing with us, can help us feel less rancorous and feel less heavily pressured into "having to do certain jobs" because with time they fell on our shoulders without us asking for it. Being helped feels good. And being of help can be good too in lifting moods and said weights.

[ididoktoday]

Positive self-talk time, come hang

Choosing to fill every second of my day with things that bring me closer to balance.

I will look back on my life and see a person who was intentional if nothing else.

I can be as strong and flexible as I decide I’m willing to be, because I can work toward becoming more skilled in both of those areas if I so choose.

The kinder I am to myself, the safer others feel around me. Kindness to myself doesn’t take anything away from those around me. It’s not selfish, it’s lovely and magical.

My clothing works for me and my agenda. If I can’t move and stretch and eat full meals and breathe in deeply in the outfit I’m wearing, that outfit has to go. If I can’t drop to the floor and do some yoga in it, it’s gone. No negotiations.

Most people don’t need an immediate answer, they just want one. I can take time and think things through in most situations. There’s no need to rush decisions. I can wait and listen for what my mind and my gut can agree upon.

I can lose everything in my life and I’ll still be me and have just as much value. Even if I had no skills, money, possessions, or people who loved me, I would STILL be a worthy human creature, no difference at all.

[ididoktoday]

Early bird

I’m alive today

In a sound body

Moving this way and that

Doing all sorts of things

What a delight!

[ididoktoday]

A haiku where I remembered at the end that it’s supposed to be about nature

Life in my 30s:

Starting all over again.

This time, with houseplants.

[ididoktoday]

Hello, body! You did so much today!

It’s time to slow down now.

It’s time to stretch.

Time to hydrate and nourish as needed.

Put up those tootsies.

Hug a cat.

And watch something on TV the same way my ancestors watched the homefire burn.

[ididoktoday]

Hop in pal, we’re getting happy