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Only time i will talk about real people that are not related to me (PART 2)
Let's imagine there are two people: Person 'C' and Person 'B'. In my head they are two stones in an unclear shape of humans - no details. They just stand facing each other and a light shines upon them.
For a while, they just stand there, together. And, at some point, the air, the vibe, the overall energy around them shifts. They have not moved. They are at the same spot, same pose; the only thing that changed was their "togetherness" is gone. Immediately, the light that shone on them, divides itself in two: each new light chooses to stay behind a stone/person, and that casts a shadow in between them.
Now, we have C, B and a shadow. Being humans with their own feelings, the shadow shakens them both. They are already shaken enough for not being together anymore, but the shadow makes it even worse. And, somehow, someone else was caught in the shadow. She was there the whole time, but we didn't see her. C and B had such a strong presence, that 'Person A' was not seen until the lights shifted. The lights cast no shadow upon A, she was just made relevant once they moved. Now, A is within the shadow.
So we have: C with light in her back, casting a shadow in her front; B with light in his back, casting a shadow in his front; and A, "caught" in the crossfire of light, swallowed by the shadows of two other people. Three people who only see shadows.
But each person has its own view of the shadow.
Person C asks herself: why do I have to be with his shadow? Why can't i be good enough by myself?
Person B tells himself: maybe her shadow is all i have. maybe without her shadow i have nothing, i am nothing.
Person A doesn't seem to have a light, let alone a shadow of herself, so all we are left with are speculations: I wish her shadow was mine. /I am drowning in the shadow. /This shadow is all i know. /This shadow is all i ever wanted./I stupidly jumped into the darkness in hope of being seen./I am in love with (obsessed) with the shadow. etc
All speculations.
And each person follows a different path. These are my guesses:
Person C: tries her best to live despite the shadow. She tries her best to heal, to move on, to find new lights! And to be free from the shadow, which we all know, unfortunately, she hasn't been able to yet.
Person B: he stays still. the shadow has a goal: keep them in the past; and he is the one weakest against the shadow. Shadow doesn't move, B doesn't move. He tries to play a part, a role, and pretends the shadow's "spell" didn't work, that he is moving on, that he has forgotten- but through actions, it seems like that's not the reality he lives in inside. He hasn't let the past go, he holds on to the shadow. Maybe the shadow is all he is?
Person A: now here is a mystery. From the lights perspective, A was close to C before the shadow, but went after B once the shadow came. Some lights believe A was the one to cast the shadow. Some, that she always had an obsession with B. I believe that, maybe, the obsession may have been with C. Maybe it was with CB; or just B, yes. Or, even stranger, she had no obsession and her actions were purely incredibly stupid. But all lead to the same faith: Person A willingly stepped into the shadow. Now she is drowning in it and she stays on B's side of it.
And we see things, too. We see a light broke off from C's side and is trying to help her be free from the shadow. We see B and A are in each others lives and that both are being swallowed by it. We see C is still hurting. And we see that the shadow stays there.
And now B and A are bringing a baby into it. Baby D is gonna be born in the darkness. B stuck in the past and A is drowning and C is trying her best to turn around towards the light.
And all I can think about is: how simple the solutions looks to me. Me, not involved, not even one of the lights that are casting the shadow. I don't even have all the information because i do not actively SEEK it. As a smaller light of C, sometimes news of the shadow come to me and i feel sad- not only for C, but for all of them.
I feel like it would be easier to hide B away from society, preferably in a mental-health facility; for A to get D and just EXIT the shadow, because she can; and for the lights to take a step back, to stop casting the shadow upon all of them, and allow C to finally turn around and see the full light -because i believe she managed to turn a bit.
So now let me translate the metaphor: lights are fans. Shadow is the current fucked up situation these three celebs are in, which I am "blaming" fans for. C is actually S, B is actually JB, and A is H.
I never googled it, it just shows up to me and i can't help but feel bad for these people. I don't understand why there is so much hate coming from the 'lights' ; i don't understand how erratic some of their actions are sometimes, but it is worrisome. And now there is an innocent baby who was born in the middle of it all... and maybe and innocent man too?
I can't help but think that if fans and the media weren't on top of them so much for it, maybe all of their lives right now may have been a bit different...
And yes, i know i may be missing A LOT OF FACTS, but this is just what i feel the bigger picture looks like, specially for someone who is looking at it from an even further distance.
Goodnight
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Only time i will talk about real people that are not related to me
(PART 1)
PROLOGUE
I do NOT like to talk about celebrities. I do NOT care about people's personal lives unless i know them PERSONALLY. Tumblr on the pc does NOT tell me if i misspelled a word in English or not.
So why am i doing it? Because the situation has become very annoying, and concerning, and i need to vent.
When it comes to famous people all i care about is whether they are a sexual predator or not (and if they harm animals) - besides that, i only care about their WORK! But when they are the ones being harmed in front of the public eye, I care. Just like i care for every other human - because even tho we tend to forget, that's what they are: human.
Celebrities have become gods in the past... century (?) and "Hollywood" is the Mount Olympus. They are put in pedestals and most of us no longer see them as humans anymore, and simply decide their existence is for us and we get to do and say whatever we want with it. And, personally, i hate that. I hate how people just assume that since they put themselves out there they are some sort of public property- not allowed to have their own lives, not allowed privacy; and maybe worst of all, without relevant feelings. These people claim to "love" people they have never met - people who are portraying a fictional being or just singing and dancing (which is the work i love, not trying to say is not 'all that' because it is), basically just being talented and skilled- and then proceed to go online and spread hateful words in their name or go and show them such disrespect, be it invading their privacy, demanding a specific behavior or throwing things at them while they work, etc
This side-rant got away from me. I ended up writing a lot and it's not even what i want to write about. I had this metaphor come to me in the shower about these particular celebrities who are usually talked about 'together'; meaning: when we talk about one, we always end up talking about the other two. Let's call them... Person C, Person B and Person A. I will go on to a part two, where i would like to just get the thought out of my head.
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Saw an old lady today that looked like an old lady and was dressed like an old lady except she was wearing big goth stomping boots like this
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One piece is so gay and like it’s so in your face omfg. We got the dude who likes to put shit in his mouth. The lesbian ready to rob every man in a mile radius. The bisexual boywife. The trans man who loves body mods. The all-knowing pansexual. The queer elder who plays music for everyone. The whole fucking revolutionary army… like ALL of them?!
Mind you, the one leading it all is the most asexual character in existence.
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i found this about my ex...
plot twist: he was a massive narcissist who stalked me for six months after I left him, while trying to guilt trip me into a conversation.
Screwing up is fascinating.
I don't know about others, but for me, when I say "I screwed up" it's my own terms, my own opinion of the situation that came to pass. When I screw up, I fucking hate me. Specially, because when I screw up, it tends to harm someone I care about, and even damage the view they have of me.
I think when I met you I forgot how deeply damaged I can be when I'm at my lowest.
You loved me so deeply and made me feel loved; so even when I absolutely needed you to leave me alone, I still couldn't leave you alone. After all, it took me a while longer, but I fell for you as well.
And it started getting worse and worse and you felt like an ice pack on top of a bruise... you relieved all the emotional overwhelm, if that word even exists. Even when the bruise was caused by your own hands, you were still a relief in the middle of chaos. And i hoped I was the same to you. And for a while I was...
But I started to slip. Started hurting the one that relieved my pain. None of it was on purpose and I would take all back if I could. But that's the most fascinating part of screwing up: it's done and it can't be undone. We open a fresh wound, be on ourselves, be on the people we love, be on people we may not even care about: the point is, there is a deep, fresh wound that we were responsible for and once the storm passes, there will still be a scar there. In the middle of all the metaphors, all there is is guilt, regret, pain and sorrow.
Loving me is painful and demanding, just like Shakespeare wrote: rotten work. And you won't be dissuaded. Doesn't matter how hard I try to protect you from myself. I saw this coming, and I fought hard against it and at the end I didn't even realize it because I was so deep into myself I forgot about your depth. I was selfish in that. And I am always selfish in holding on to you.
I don't enjoy it, but I'm not trying to push you away anymore in hopes to not harm you and that's a guilt I will carry as well. I love you and I'm selfish enough to allow you to love me.
if that makes any sense.
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I wanna talk about loneliness here
for a sec
I broke down two hours ago and I haven't gotten myself back yet and I would like to address it but here's the catch: no one to address it to-
I broke down and went back to feeling like a teenager because of my mom.
my partner has his own issues and he hasn't texted me in a while.
my friends don't have to have that weight on top of their own feelings because it has nothing to do with them: it's me and the past that remains in my present
I've moved to another continent and I'm living by myself and I haven't been a teen for 5 years now. And I feel like one.
Being a teenager wasn't a good experience for me and today I went back to that- feeling alone. All the time. Wherever I was.
After 8 years I can admit to myself that the reason I used to self harm was due to loneliness. I was alone at school, between my peers; and I was alone at home, surrounded by people who love me. And today I felt like this again (said for the fourth time because it's on my mind like a siren)
I tried talking to my mom about my feelings, about how she made me feel and why she hurt me and all I got was nothing. No reply at all. Just like when I was a teenager sick and tired of being alive in a place where no one saw me, no one understood me and no one cared to.
Everyone has their own thing going on, and I know that. I know that since I was a child. Because the thing about feeling alone is that you end up wishing no one else had to feel that way. But it is exhausting having no one see you. Having no one care. Hiding and sitting alone in the feeling of hypocrisy that rises from hiding your pain while hoping someone will see it and try to save you only to get up after hours of pain to the repeated realisation that only you can save yourself because no one will ever care or notice you enough to do so.
When I lived with my mom, every conflict that I tried to resolve with communication was met with her saying I was doing a "moral speech" to her, like her mother used to do; her saying I was being dramatic or annoying. Sometimes it would escalate to her being angry and yelling at me saying "you're the child. you don't get the last word" or "you always have to have the last word don't you??"
When I grew up a bit, I realised that the one who cared about this "last word" thing was her. I didn't understand, but it made me upset that she would always tell me that when I wasn't finished speaking. When she told me something and expected me to just take it in silence because she was the "adult".
Years after that, we joined a new religion which helped us all and I noticed that she apologised for something basic. I noticed she had never apologized for things that didn't explode into me and made me shut down completely. She would always explain herself and roll her eyes, but she never said "I'm sorry" until two or three years ago. Not that I remember at least.
She used to tell me often I "made up things in my head" and now It's hard to think about the past without doubting everything that comes to mind.
She loves me and cares for me. She does. Her own mother wasn't easy, and I know that because even if she's a grandma who likes to "spoil" me, she's still cruel and narcissistic sometimes. But my mother's emotional intelligence feels lacking since I can remember. This is off stuff I've read online, that popped up to me and made sense. Too much sense. Scary sense.
I've grown and I don't want to allow someone who makes me feel hollow and alone, to be in my life. This is extreme and not as bad as other people have it, I know that. I just need to throw up my feelings in a place I know no one will say "you're dramatic" "your feelings don't matter because there are people who are worse off than you" or say nothing and just walk away (it's online).
It feels empty having the one person who should always be by your side, taking other people's sides and trying to teach you empathy when you had to learn it yourself because they weren't available WHEN you HAD to learn.
I feel very alone. I feel like I'm too much. And I feel simply lost.
The difference this time is that I know I may have autism and that it has its effects on how I'm feeling and how I perceive the world around me. I had no clue what autism truly was when I was a teen. But now that I do, I don't know what to do with it. It's just empty.
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Morticia and Gomez Addams are the only acceptable and irrefutable examples of soulmates in all sources of media throughout a century of stories.
I know there have been great romances and great stories about it overall, but The Addams showcase such a full and whole romantic partnership that very few couples are capable of standing up to.
I'm exhausted and my English isn't Englishing-
Gomez worships the ground Morticia walks on, and he is the air she breathes. They are so fully passionate and involved towards each other, they go beyond husband and wife, they are literally partners in everything and it is beautiful.
They are unapologetically themselves and they don't give a f0ck about what other people will think. That's what I've always wanted, that's the goal and anything less than that is just less than ideal.
again, laying in bed thoughts. exhausted.
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To my middle-ground;
lonely, lonely, lonely...
When I thought I could find someone who would be able to fall for me for who I am, and realised that, yet again, that was not the case, I was in a state which I can't find words to describe. It wasn't disappointing as I always thought- even if the thought was buried deep- that such a person doesn't exist. It wasn't heartbreaking, for some reason I fell out of love pretty easily once I saw things as they were. It was just an unexpected cold shower. I felt cold. I felt cold and I didn't see it coming.
But I know that wasn't on me. I didn't want dependency, I didn't want a selfish obsession. I wanted to be seen. To be seen and not "looked away". I wanted to be loved. To be loved for me. Not for how I make someone feel about themselves, at least not just that; but for myself.
It was crazy; and it damaged me.
And again came the thought, although not as hurting, that maybe I didn't have someone. No someone for me.
But what to do when someone who is clearly mentally stable -as mentally stable as someone can be with their own hurts, their own wounds, their own 'broken'- sees you and turns away? When all of those who weren't clearly mentally unstable saw you and always looked away?
What to do when one feels the touch of a lover for the first time when it's far overdue? A warm touch of someone who wants you? Who desires you? Only to learn, a few hours later, that -yet again- you did something wrong?
Always wrong. Always unworthy. Always alone.
There is something wrong with me.
And as I attract the overly-broken and chase away the stable-despite-broken, I find myself... hurting. Hurting over the middle-ground-broken. My middle ground.
If they are out there, will I find them? Or will I chase them away as well? Or will I just break them further? Does it even exist for me?
These thoughts hurt me. They break me. It's like an old, broken tap. Drip drip drip. Alone alone alone. Those old taps have the strange habit of stop the dripping for a day or two, only to start all over again- dripping in the middle of the night, when all is silent and that is all you can hear.
And the thing about the person writing this is that after breaking and fixing myself over and over and over and over and over again, for more times than I can count, without help, without people even knowing I was breaking right in front of them, is that I start to wonder how much glue I've got left?
Falling apart over a new illusion of acceptance and affection and putting yourself together again afterwards it's tiring, and it doesn't get easier with repetition.
I am alone and I want someone to want me. I want to want someone. I want to want someone who wants me. For me.
And if there are too many "me"s or too much "pity party" in this text, I simply do not care. I'm sick and tired of being alone, but there is no way around it. I'm tired of trying.
My middle-ground is not out there. Maybe my middle-ground has their own middle-ground, who makes them happy and that is not me.
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And Merlin is still waiting
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Thinking about how Gaius was on a white horse while Merlin and Arthur were on black horses.....
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Like Gaius is riding back to Camelot, to life, to live
And Merlin and Arthur are riding towards nothing but despair, pain, and death.
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Witches have midnight
Demons have 3am
Merlin fandom has Christmas Eve
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You can't have Christmas eve without Merlin trending.
You just can't.
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Merlin isn’t trending and it’s Christmas Eve, everyone ok out there?
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Hm guys it’s Christmas Eve but as far as I know Merlin hasn’t trended yet… gna need that to happen immediately.
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ITS CHRISTMAS EVE……
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HAPPY 12 YEARS SINCE ARTHUR PENDRAGON STABBED TO DEATH!!!!!!!
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happy merlin finale anniversary to all who mourn celebrate!
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