itslanaj

[itslanaj]

How I Met My Master's

How did a native New Yorker wind up in Baton Rouge, Louisiana to pursue acting and comedy? I'm so glad you asked. :-) How I became a Baton Rouge transplant at LSU.

Yes, I’ve been a ghost, and I’m honestly a different person since the last time I shared my brain with you. It’s been quite a journey, so buckle up. Back in August 2021, I moved from Bergen County, New Jersey to Baton Rouge, Louisiana on purpose. The purpose was to attend Louisiana State University. Almost two years later and I graduate with my Master of Fine Arts in Acting (in case you didn’t…

[itslanaj]

Baby W's

Baby W’s

Why is it about to be January 2021 when it’s still March? This entire year was a long ass extension of one day. March 17th, 2020. At least where I’m at, since other parts of the world implemented their lockdowns on different dates. I guess the question that begs asking is: What the fuck did I do this year? A whole ass 2020 came and done went, and what do I really have to show of myself, for…

[itslanaj]

2020 (the Apocalypse) in Review

2020 (the Apocalypse) in Review

What other choice do I have for a title considering two fiscal quarters have passed since I last put fingers-to-keyboard?

It’s November, but what does that even mean right now in this time-warped society we’ve been Destiny’s-Child-surviving in?

Well thus far, I’ve talked about my vagina. I’ve talked about my hair. I’ve talked about my Dad. I’ve talked about unnamed vaginal-visitors (BFP &…

[itslanaj]

We getting shweaty again this week... Email alanajfit@gmail.com Like it says 🏋🏽‍♀️🏋🏽‍♂️🏋🏾 https://www.instagram.com/p/CBtjMS7hPHw/?igshid=1wumn9582xvo6

[itslanaj]

Memories

I started reading a book about comedy recently that insists our sense of humor comes from our families. And pain. For all of us, there are some familial instances that seemed mortifying at the time, but in hindsight? Pure hilarity. And material. On what would have been my father’s 72nd birthday, in what will be the 10th year since his passing, I’ma drop 10 of these memories about Mr. Bill “Billy…

[itslanaj]

A Brief Curl-story

Whenever I get complimented on my hair, my first instinct is to say how much I hated it growing up.

Then, “oh, yeah. Thanks.”

It usually confuses people, present-day me included. One of the last times someone questioned my lock-loathing history, my reply was “because I didn’t know I wasn’t white.” He laughed. And was drunk. 

Growing up I went to school with predominantly white…

[itslanaj]

C*ck-out Chronicles

So here’s the thing about me.

I am not unique.

I have been ghosted plenty a time…most occurrences having been of the post-coital variety. Nothing like a post-coital ghost to spook the self-esteem outta ya.

I’m…just being honest (in “HEY YA” Outkast cadence).

Not that anyone truly needs a definition for GHOSTING, but just to make sure we all know what we’re talking about here, as…

[itslanaj]

I'm infected

I’m infected

Not with Rona. So, relax.

I just needed a provocative, yet truthful, title to get you to click.

Let me explain.

It’s not fun for anyone involved, but there’s something about hot wax in your butt hole on a Monday that just makes everything else seem much more doable.

Or so I thought.

On COViD-Quarantine Eve, I had a calling. I had to take responsibility for the shrubbery that…

[itslanaj]

Ayo Co-Co. Yeah, I'm talking to you, COVID. I see you (actually, I wish I could). I respect you. While you're doing your whole biological warfare thing or whatever, I'ma be over here connecting to my inner Locahontas. 🍂🍃🌿🍁🌳🐿️ 📸: @bangteamfitness_ https://www.instagram.com/p/B-CwFBXhay5/?igshid=1uilqufbeapcz

[itslanaj]

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A post shared by Alana Johnson (@alanaj.tv)

When Mom knows exactly what to say to make you feel better about being a hot ass mess... Happy Mother's Day to all the superwomen out there raising little tomorrow people. #happymothersday #mothersday #happymothersdaymom #happymothersdaytome #happymothersdayweekend #happymothersdayladies #happymothersdaytoallthemothers #love #happymothersdaytoallmoms #happymothersdays #happymothersdayinheaven #family #mothers #mom #motheringsunday #mum #happymothersdaymommy #mothersday2019 #mother https://www.instagram.com/p/BxXdux1ldUm/?igshid=rug52ctu49ik

[itslanaj]

Season 2 of my BET Digital Original Series Two Grown is being released every Wednesday at 6PM! Check out EP 1!

#comedy #funny #haha #lol #comedylife #comedyclub #comedyshow #comedyposts #fun #standupcomedy #humor #comedian #jokes #comedycentral #comedypics #hilarious #comedynight #funnyvideos #smile #comedyvideo #sketchcomedy #laughing #comedia #igcomedy #purecomedy #vine #comedyvideos #dankmemes #comedyvine #funnyclips

[itslanaj]

Yesterday I celebrated two years of freedom from drugs and alcohol. On that day two years ago, I learned there was a way out of the darkness I'd been shrouded by for so long. I learned that I no longer had to pretend "I'm fine." I learned that I wasn't that person who I became when I was possessed by drugs and alcohol - that person who I was ashamed of and drank to get away from. I learned that in order for me to become the greatest version of myself, I had to let go of the things I was a slave to. In admitting I had no control, I reclaimed my power, and I began a new life. A little over two years ago, I didn't care if I woke up in the morning. I hated every tomorrow, and I could never live for today. Now I know I never have to feel that way again. Today I am so, so grateful for my life. It is a miracle that I am still here. And because of that, I know that all things are possible. In the past two years I've made more strides than in the previous 7-10. I have faced incalculable fears - including standing up for myself and TRUSTING myself over everybody else. I have learned that I DO NOT have to be what the world tells me I should be. I have learned how to own all the parts of me, and, too, that them parts is poppin 💁🏽‍♀️ I have learned to love me. And that is the greatest gift I have ever known. I share this because I know there is someone who needs to hear this. I know there is someone who feels the way that I did when I was stuck in the insanity of drinking, and the convoluted rationalization of everything being "fine." I am here for you. I love you. And I promise you never have to feel that way again. . . . Here's a selfie to accompany my sermon. Happy Birthday to me ❣️ #sobriety #soberlife #sober #soberissexy #sobrietyrocks #recovery #sobrietyrules #soberliving #soberaf #sobrietyquotes #sobrietyissexy #recoveryquotes #soberlifestyle #mentalhealth #addictionrecovery #soberisexy #positivevibes #believe #depression #soberquotes #believeinyourself #happy #recoveryisworthit #loveyourself #soberstudent #sobersupreme #mentalhealthquotes #positivemindset #positivementalattitude #bekindtoyourself https://www.instagram.com/p/BxPV-ichEb5/?igshid=kwneicutcaxr

[itslanaj]

Tomorrow night @thepitnyc DMXX, Julie and an extra dose of me East 24th Street, 123 I don't know what's gonna go down But I hope you come see 😎 Hip hop improv Stand up: me x Julie Buy tickets: https://thepit-nyc.com/events/dmxx/ #Repost @dmxximprov ・・・ Our team’s all about them X’s and O’s And tomorrow night we got’s a killer show Ft. Standup from (R -> L) Julie Mitchell is a writer and comic in New York by way of New Orleans. Her writing has been featured on VICE and McSweeney’s, and you can see her on Viceland’s FLOPHOUSE, or Stand Up! Records greatest hits live album. She writes movie reviews on her blog I Heard The Book Was Better and is very passionate about mascara Alana J is a NY-NJ bred, Puerto Ridiculous actor, comedian, hip hop improviser and mini-beast. More self-proclaimed titles could be added but her opposable thumbs are like...nah. The multi-hyphenate can be seen performing all over NYC with her hip hop-improv squad DMXX and with the all-women Comedy Derailed collective. Alongside her creative partner, Jourdan, she is the creator, Executive Producer and star of the comedic web series Two Grown, currently streaming on BET Digital. Season 2 will cometh v soon. https://www.instagram.com/p/Btl30fkhj1t/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q2alar29yps0

[itslanaj]

This 🔑 is major . . . You're welcome. https://www.instagram.com/p/Brlk5xnhfg9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1lfiuitr5rbtq

[itslanaj]

Posted up on @jourdi07's couch after wrapping an immensely successful Day 1 of Season 2 of our biologically conceived baby @twogrown, and like, I guess it's finally hitting me. In creating an opportunity for ourselves, in refusing to just wait for the right role to come along, and THEN for someone to cast us in it...we did the damn thing ourselves. In seeing it through to completion, we've been given the chance to partner with @bet and to KEEP GOING with their support. If you build it, they will come. And we're so grateful that they have. We are excited to be a part of BET's new line-up of original digital shows. THANK YOU to our squad, especially @silverscreen_productions @hereliessteven and @marc_reign for "getting us" from the jump, and to everyone who's been rooting for us. And, above all else, God. Praise God. Now let's work. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bohy2t3BClS/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=18vmmx7eho9j2

[itslanaj]

Today I'm on my Queen shit So I gotta post a Queen pic 📸:@itz_jordii 9.15 #birthdaygirl https://www.instagram.com/p/BnwnlfRneGv/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=qgwscojpcej7

[itslanaj]

I used to have an infatuation with self-flagellation Rooted by an obsession with perfection Running my head into a wall Time and time again On a quest to obtain That which I could never reach at all Comfort came from the habit Lusting after pain Befoed by the malice Yet yearning for it my veins I hated that I was this way I could foresee no change Fearing the end of life Envying death all the same Then the day came... I was cracked open By Grace An angel whispered in my ear "You don't have to live this way" "You're gonna be okay" Words pivotal albeit simple "Put down the hammer, Pick up a feather, Be tickled by its bristles" Now my soul reverberates laughter From under the pit of my stomach You can be free of impending disaster Trade in for your happy-ever-after If you choose it And you want it