ivyrainn

[ivyrainn]

“I can’t be the reason you stay alive. That has to be you.”

part 2 from my last writing post

WE READ AND DON'T JUDGE I'm not a writer, I js wrote this for fun bc I wanted to see it in writing.

TW: Substance abuse, relapse, emotional distress, themes of abandonment

--- 488 words - James and Sirius

A few hours after Remus left, James walked in. The empty orange pill bottle lies on the floor. Sirius is slumped on the bed, slightly dazed.

Leaning on the door frame, James doesn’t yell. He just says it like it hurts. “Remus told me what happened.”

Sirius just hums, fiddling with his rings, a habit he falls into when he’s nervous. “Yeah? What’d he say?”

James doesn’t answer right away. Instead, he walks over and hops onto the bed beside Sirius. “Mate…” he exhales shakily, a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.. “Look, Pads, I love you so much. You’re my best friend, and nothing could change that. But I can’t keep picking up the pieces. Every. Single. Time.”

And just like that, Sirius’s world collapsed, faster than he could catch it. This couldn't be happening. He’d lost Remus; he couldn’t lose James, too.

“No, please, don’t leave… I’ll do better, I promise.” Sirius’s voice is hoarse, barely a whisper, his eyes locked on James’s, those sweet golden brown eyes that had seen him fall apart more times than he could count.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

A heavy silence falls.

Then James reaches forward, covers Sirius’s hands with his own. “Pads… I have a wife and a newborn at home. I don’t have time anymore to save you from yourself.”

James crawls off the bed, turning to leave. Sirius wants to say something, but the words won’t come. They’re stuck behind the lump in his throat.

He pauses before leaving. “I’m not going to pick up the pieces this time,” James says, brushing a hand through his messy hair, something he and Sirius had tried to tame many times. His face is unreadable, but Sirius knows him too well, notices the pain behind the calm.

“Did Remus make you say that?” is all Sirius manages.

“No.”

James looks back one last time. “Pads, my love for you won’t change, you need to understand that, but I can’t help you this time. I don’t know how to help you anymore.”

“I can’t be the reason you stay alive. That has to be you.”

And with that, he walks out.

Sirius’s best friend had finally left him.

Sure, he said he loved him, but how long was that love going to last? Everyone who had loved him left, so why would this time be any different?

He stared at the wall, his pain silently growing; the pills couldn’t fix this anymore. The two people he loved most were gone. Maybe his father was right. Maybe he really was unlovable. Maybe this is what he deserved.

His eyes welled with tears; his ears rang from the silence. All he wanted was James back. The first person who had ever shown him what family felt like. The first person to give him love. Gone.

Now, all that was left was silence. An empty house. And an emptier heart.

[ivyrainn]

i have two fics ideas for when im done with apaop and i cant pickkkkkk

[ivyrainn]

"but for some reason, I can't give up on you."

WE READ AND DON'T JUDGE I'm not a writer, I js wrote this for fun bc I wanted to see it in writing.

idk if this needs a TW, but- TW: This piece deals with themes of substance relapse. And we have Remus upset at Sirius for substance relapse.

-

“Sirius,” Remus called out as he walked into the room, holding what looked like a pill bottle.

“Yes, Moons?” Sirius looked up and froze when he saw Remus’s expression.

“What’s this?” Remus asked, holding up the bottle. The one that belonged under Sirius’s bed.

“Just some vitamins,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus’s voice was ice. “Just vitamins, huh?” After a beat of silence, “Don’t lie to me. You said you were sober,” Remus said, voice low but sharp.

“I am,” Sirius shouted a bit too defensively. 

Remus just stared, wondering what to do. He had gotten Sirius sober many times, but he had failed every single time, including this one. Remus dropped to the floor, sliding down the wall, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“Sirius, I love you, you know that. Everyone in the whole world does. But I can't keep doing this, I can’t. Yet I do, every single time since we were 18, I pick you up after every fall and help you pick up the pieces. I never ask for anything except that you stay sober. That's all I ask, because I love you. I just want what’s best for you, but I'm so tired, Sirius.” 

Sirius wanted to say something. Anything. But his throat burned with guilt.

Remus spoke again, head in his hands. He then looked up into Sirius' eyes, those gray eyes he once loved to swim in. “I… I can’t keep doing this, but for some reason, I can't give up on you.” And at that, Remus had tossed Sirius the bottle, “Keep it or don’t. I don't care anymore,” he said, and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Sirius stared at the bottle in his hand, repeating Remus’s words, “For some reason, I can't give up on you.” The words echoed in his skull like a curse.

Remus wanted to give up on me. 

Remus. 

Gave. 

Up. 

On. 

Me. 

And suddenly, the room felt ten degrees colder. The severity of it hit him like a tidal wave. And there was nothing he could do to fix this. Remus was done picking up the pieces of his broken life. He was alone. He had James, but he would probably leave too after hearing what happened; he had been picking up Sirius’s remains since they were eleven. Sirius was truly alone. Maybe his mother was right; no one would ever want him, he was just too much. 

His fingers tightened around the bottle until his knuckles turned white. The silence was unbearable. He wanted to scream, cry, throw something, anything, but he just sat there. Still. Hollow. He stared at the half-full bottle before popping it open and taking a handful.

[ivyrainn]

made a silly board for my silly fic Pi Kappa Alpha

(quality lowkey got fucked but its fineeee)

[ivyrainn]

Sirius sat down on his bed unbuttoning his undershirt, "I think I'd look hot in a maid dress." Peter snorted as he caught Remus twisting his neck then biting the edge of his thumb, that was interesting. Was Remus gay? He didn't look gay, none of them looked very gay in his opinion, but Peter was pansexual. He did think that the MCR shirt gave that way though. "Please, I'd have all the men and women on their knees," James grinned, "Maybe we could both wear them, have people vote on who wore it better." "Men? Are you one of… those?" Sirius asked James, the tension in the air changing. Remus glanced over at James with panicked eyes as Peter looked at the other two men.  James tilted his head slowly, "Is that a problem?" he asked Sirius, crossing his arms. "No," Sirius cleared his throat, "I'm not homophobic. I've just never met one of you before," he leaned back on the mattress. Peter set the pen he was holding down as he put his notebook to the side. "You've never met a gay person?" Peter asked, clarifying what Sirius meant. He was from redneck woods Indiana but he had still met a gay person that wasn't himself.  "Never," Sirius confirmed and each man was giving him a strange look, even Remus who couldn't see him but was just looking down at his mattress where Sirius was underneath. James laughed into his mouth, trying to cover it with his hand and covering it afterwards, "Yes I'm bisexual Sirius, congratulations on meeting a gay person." 

Chapter five of "Pi Kappa Alpha" is out!

fic summary: Hogwarts is a prestigious magical university that travels around the globe, nesting itself within abandoned areas within a muggle university's campus. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew are all Hogwarts students, each being gifted in a different part of magic. They all meet each not at Hogwarts but as pledges for Pi Kappa Alpha a muggle fraternity they have all found their way into. Together they fall into the world of dark and twisted magic while learning that all they can really trust, is each other.

[ivyrainn]

James heard his glasses crack before he felt the impact of Sirius fist on his fast. Sirius was unfortunately a lot stronger than most people gave him credit for. James felt the pain bloom from his nose as he looked at Sirius with hazy eyes. He grabbed his nose as he felt something wet on his lips.  Sirius grabbed his own face in shock as there was a noise of Harry running down the stairs, "What happened?" he heard Harry ask. James took his glasses off then covered his nose, feeling blood pool in the bottom of his palms. "Nothing," James said as he tripped over, grabbing onto the wall, "You broke my fucking nose," he whispered to Sirius, too delirious from the series of events to even be angry at the man.  "I have to drive your dad to the doctor," Sirius said as he looked around for James' keys.

chapter seven of "acrylic paint and oil pastels" is out!

summary: Regulus Black is the new art teacher at the local high school after a series of bizarre events. There he meets Harry James Potter, James Potter's son, and Edward Tonks, a teenage boy Regulus knows nothing about besides his last name.

[ivyrainn]

it took me a month but i finished another pka chapter 🎉\

...it's 6.4k before edits ha ha

[ivyrainn]

god i need my brain to chill on the fanfic ideas. i already have too many but they just keep growing

[ivyrainn]

i started writing fanfic and my power went out???? its just my street too 😭😭

[ivyrainn]

"Are you naturally a good person or is that some deep rooted childhood trauma talking?" Teddy asked humorously. "I like to think I'm a good person and my childhood was great, but my husband had a traumatic childhood and another close person to me did too. So consider it a mix of both I guess," he wouldn't tell Teddy the other person was Harry, that was an invasion of Harry's privacy. At least it was in Remus' opinion. "Sirius wasn't lying by the way, every place is free range Just don't go around breaking stuff please," Remus told him and then backed up a couple steps, "I'm going to go talk to Sirius about something but feel free to settle in. You're welcome to come downstairs whenever." "Thanks… dad," Teddy said, it sounded like he was being sincere, not using it as a mocking name. Remus couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he headed downstairs

chapter six of "acrylic paint and oil pastels" is out :) (jegulus/wolfstar/marylily)

fic summary: Regulus Black is the new art teacher at the local high school after a series of bizarre events. There he meets Harry James Potter, James Potter's son, and Edward Tonks, a teenage boy Regulus knows nothing about besides his last name.

[ivyrainn]

[Remus] could hear Sirius coming down the stairs, "Hi Moons and the mistress," he laughed. The smile on Tonks' face fell. Remus went inside and walked in as Sirius stopped on the final stair. He stared at Teddy and then at Remus, and then back at Teddy. He watched as Sirius put the pieces together in his head, Remus knew he would, with a smile he said, "Oh, you are an actual mistress." "She's not, be nice Sirius," Remus gritted out as the ringing in his ear got louder. "Looks like she is," Sirius stepped onto the floor walking over to her, he looked her up and down clearly judging her, "And what's the mistress' name?" "Nymphadora Tonks." "Really Remus? My cousin?"

chapter five of "acrylic paint and oil pastels" is out!! (Jegulus, Wolfstar, Marlily)

tws for chapter:

- eating disorder (but not called eating disorder by character) - memories of childhood abuse - overall breakdown

Fic Summary:

Regulus Black is the new art teacher at the local high school after a series of bizarre events. There he meets Harry James Potter, James Potter's son, and Edward Tonks, a teenage boy Regulus knows nothing about besides his last name.

[ivyrainn]

new theme??? who am I????

[ivyrainn]

OKAY GUYS!!! IM ACTUALLY PLANNING IT OUT. IM COOKING IM COOKING TRUST. TRUST!!!

guys. i cant stop thinking of marauders aus. someone make it stop.

[ivyrainn]

guys. i cant stop thinking of marauders aus. someone make it stop.

[ivyrainn]

"No, I'm sorry. This uh, these are for you by the way as an apology," James gestured to the cart. "You got me Lunchables to apologize?" Regulus asked, laughing at the end of sentence from the sheer audacity of James Potter. "You didn't even get me the pizza one, guess you don't really mean it." "I can go get the pizza one right now," James started to push the cart but Regulus stood in front of it, not letting him escape the aisle.

chapter four of "acrylic paint and oil pastels" is out!

(i didn't forget to post this shhhh)

fic summary: Regulus Black is the new art teacher at the local high school after a series of bizarre events. There he meets Harry James Potter, James Potter's son, and Edward Tonks, a teenage boy Regulus knows nothing about besides his last name.

[ivyrainn]

okay ik im a marauders fanfic author account but i drew this last night and look at my babyboy (dnd oc)

[ivyrainn]

i just wanna say, if you’ve continuously supported me i appreciate you sm <3 and I do notice yall. I get such a big smile on my face