judasdreams - Tumblr blog

[judasdreams]

I made a meme

[judasdreams]

Hey hey. If you need a mobility aid because it lessens the amount of pain, fatigue, and brain fog you are in that is completely valid. It does not need to be a last resort for only when your mobility worsens to the point you need a physical aid to move at all. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Your need for a mobility aid is valid. (And this is coming from a girlie who pretty much can't leave the house without her wheelchair because of mobility issues and pain/fatigue/brain fog. But I would still use my aids if I only struggled with the latter! ❤️)

[judasdreams]

"I will not give you medications meant for cancer patients." - a doctor I saw twice.

That has been going through my head as I wait for my surgery and wonder if the pain management will be adequate at all.

But also: I should not have to be the person to do a doctor's job and find potential treatment and medication options.

[judasdreams]

Having so much going on in my head and being so overwhelmed by life & general existence that I just casually dissociate for better part of the day, and can't articulate what I'm feeling or thinking so I just blurt out a list of random things I need to do around my apartment whenever someone asks me how I'm doing like

"I need to do dishes & laundry, need to take out the trash... I did just order some things online..."

Also, I'm living in my head (daydreaming) again for the first time since my early 20s to the point that I have difficulty functioning (like actually functioning, not just "not doing things") and it's embarrassing. (Skill regression or something? Idk what it's called.)

But yeah, I'm totally doing great.

Except I don't know how to fix this.

[judasdreams]

In other news: my face is flaming red with flaky skin.

I wasn't burnt.

In fact, I have been using the same hypoallergenic face lotion for a couple of weeks (with days of not using it in between) that has 20 spf.

It only got this bad today.

The only other new thing in my life is a 2 week test period with salbutamol which hasn't caused any issues, but nothing else has changed, so???

I can't imagine anything else being the issue here? Like, thanks??

[judasdreams]

I wish I could write something lighthearted, but I just feel down.

This morning was a hard sell: difficult to get up, difficult to get moving, difficult to care...

And in the afternoon it's just as bad.

Like, I'm glad I'm getting my uterus yeeted soon, but it's also such a damn heavy burden to carry.

Add in the EU election results, the constant barrage of warwarWAR on my retinas, having to deal with my other illnesses and the knowledge that if Europe goes the way of USA (or worse), I'm in the frontlines to die.

And it's all too much.

Everyone has their level of tolerance for stress and mine has been exceeded for years, maybe decades, at this point. I don't have it in me to care what happens around the world anymore, but I also have this deep, dark pit in the bottom of my stomach when I think of the possible futures.

I wish covid would've taken us all out; atleast that would've been a peaceful death.

I wanna curl into a ball and yeet my soul to another dimension, another universe where I'm not so helpless.

[judasdreams]

I mean yes, but no, criminal minds is just that addictive...

(I'm not making excuses, am I?)

literally me

[judasdreams]

Me: *sends a scathing message to Meta privacyteam about refusing to participate in the AI bullshit, going into how unethical the practice of having to opt-out of instead of voluntarily opting in is*

Team: 5 minutes later "your refusal has been accepted"

Me:

Me: "Not that I'm complaining, but I was gearing for a fight."

Me: *surprised pikachu*

[judasdreams]

The thing about flip phones is they would cover the screen when not in use which was good for safety because nowdays the internet demons can escape through the screen into the real world when you’re not looking because nobody seals the portal anymore

[judasdreams]

For anyone who reads this: I didn't have the energy to "clean this up", so it's gonna be thought vomit all the way around.

I went to the clinic appointment, saw a nurse who gave me tools for a 2 week test period for my lungs, namely to see if I might have asthma.

Well.

This is the second day, I've got salbutamol and the air flow meter, but my test results have been all over the place between 390 to 470, before and after salbutamol.

Thinking I might be doing the test wrong, I've tried to fidget with how I do the test (that quick breath), but I'm afraid and getting discouraged, that maybe I don't have anything this easily rectifiable wrong in my lungs and two weeks from now I get told that sorry, we can do nothing more.

And all the while my lungs still hurt.

My lungs hurt right after testing, goes away for a moment, comes back a few hours later (literally took the meds a couple of hours ago and my lungs hurt again).

I know I can take it again, testing it, etc. But I feel stupid for doing it that often and I don't know how many times I could take the salbutamol per day.

On the other hand, maybe that would show a bigger difference in results...? (But if the effect is supposed to last for 4 to 6 hrs per use, is two to three hours later too early? Idk.)

[judasdreams]

Remember to make space for the heteros this month too - yes, really.

Lesbians who became straight men

Gay men who became straight women

All straight drag artists (note that not all of them are cis!)

People with complex identities who thusly encompass multiple orientations (like genderfluid and multigender people who, yes, are sometimes straight, or even simultaneously with other labels)

Hetero aro and ace people. Especially. Seriously.

People with fluid orientations

Gnc people who find joy in their straightness

Many queer people are also straight. Queerness is note solely reliant on gayness. These people too, are a part of pride. Remember that.

[All discourse attempts will be swiftly blocked. Exclusionists fuck off]

[judasdreams]

I dropped a glass jar on my kitchen floor late last night. Not lying when I'm saying I pretty much had a meltdown over it and had to walk away, leaving these tiny fucking shards of glass on the floor.

And when I say "tiny", I mean I've been cleaning that shit up with tape because they're too small to even vacuum up properly.

Shaky, numbing hands ftw.

I need to buy plastic dishes before surgery because if I drop and break something like that during recovery, I'm damn sure not cleaning it up.

[judasdreams]

You know what I've been thinking of?

This one nurse who had an affair with someone when covid was in its first year and her justification for it was "I couldn't survive through this (covid in general) if it wasn't for him (affair partner".

What about your actual partner, nurse-lady? Who was he supposed to turn to when you spent all your energy on your AP during the worst of the pandemic? Do you think he was just coasting along, no worries?

I'm disappointed that I lost the name of her account; I really wanna know what happened to her.

(I hope your actual partner found out, left you and is now with someone better.)

[judasdreams]

Everytime I think the pain or fatigue can't get any worse... it gets worse.

I now have a New baseline for pain & fatigue at 7 out of 10. (Arbitrary number.)

Then I think the pain can't get any worse than this... it gets worse.

Now I have a new baseline at 7 out of 10.

I think again: the pain can't get any worse than this... it gets worse again.

Another new baseline at 7 out of 10.

Except... I've been telling Dr's years (YEARS) that my normal pain level is between 4 & 7 out of 10. Now I have to explain that no, my reference for pain level has changed and while I'm still at 4 to 7 out of 10, it's still "worse".

The other option is that I keep raising that number: if my average for pain daily was at 4, now its at 6... I'm gonna run out of numbers.

The problem is that it always gets worse. There will be a day when I can't say a number for my pain, but I'll have to start explaining it by the number of times i have to stop to rest, the number of minutes I can stay seated without my pain getting unbearable, the number of hours I sleep per night & how many nights I can sleep that much, etc etc.

A day when a simple number isn't gonna be enough no matter how much Dr's ask for it.

I'm afraid of that day.

[judasdreams]

to anyone who needs to hear this

i used to tell myself my pain wasnt bad. every morning id just tell myself id "slept wrong" or "not enough" and thats why i was in so much pain and sometimes could barely even walk

no matter what excuse u tell urself... its not normal to think pain is normal.

[judasdreams]

Mood.

stood up in the shower today because i thought "you know what?? maybe i am faking this". nope nope nopity nope whoopsies that was a bad decision, restart body, error: stupid arse decision *siren wailing in distance*

[judasdreams]

It's all fun and games talking about your disability and advocating for it until your disability disables you and you start hearing that stupid voice in your head telling you that you're a faker and don't deserve your accommodations