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Day 2 — We’re singing the Blues.

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Ever since Call Me By Your Name, Peach farms became botanical gay™️ haven w/ cum.

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Our good mornings have been rushed since two thousand and thirteen.

Busy lives nothing feels right anymore.

Two-second kisses before we are both out the door. Careers in focus Do we even love each other anymore?

Post Notes: Please do not remove the captions. Title: Modern Marriage Copyright:  © Ivan Ambrose 2018 Deck: The Dreaming Way Tarot Safe Space Tags: GIF, Epilepsy Warning Navigation: TOC | FAQ | Contact | Disclaimer

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fun is fun is fun – cs lewis

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On Waiting

When waiting, we tend to look at our clocks, our watches, we incessantly tap our fingers, tap our foot, stare at windows, at skies, at voids. We sometimes sleep, which is when we murder our time because when we shut our eyes the only visible things are dreams, or mostly darkness. Both elements are there to distort reality, perception and of course, time.

There is agony in waiting and this is a fact. It is as if we’re calculating our days, managing time as if a store is about to be closed but in return there is a significant feeling of entirety, though that entirety isn’t an assurance of positive outcomes.

I have experienced this when I was waiting for a result in a certain entrance examination. Wherein my sanity is stretched as long as the period of time in which I was waiting. It is like pulling a stretch of rubber band, in which you pull so far, kilometers or even miles then you suddenly release from your hold and even the time from where you released the rubber band up to the point where it ended was also agonizing. When I finally knew the result, it was something positive and negative at the same time. Fate, a jester, played tricks. The result was fine, but the effect of it wasn’t.

I was left in fear when I passed the entrance examination and my bestfriend did not. We’ve waited for such a long time only to see that we’re not going to be together for college. It seemed unfair for me, the agony of waiting was already painful enough then when the result came out it is as if time punched me in the gut so hard I started simultaneously crying and rolling. It bothers me even now.

There is a disease that is caused by too much waiting, paranoia. A disease I have ever since I was young. I was always craving for something eventful in my life where I just process happenings over and over again in my head until it is morphed by how dark my mind is. Instead of being something purposeful, my waiting turns out to have a cynical offspring that bothers me a whole lot.

I become sad and empty running on field of time trying to reach something I am never certain of. What if I become an optimist instead and think of the gold at the end of the rainbow? I think that is even more terrifying, in fact it is more dangerous (at least for me). Because after all of those waiting and you have finally reached the end, you might have expected something bigger or better but the reality was that you should not have expected anything at all. Then you lose your tactile to find something.

Waiting seems like a curse, a burden even, but can people not wait at all? And if we can foresee the future is there a way to rush it? Time simmers experience and thoughts so that an idea or anything will be well cooked by the end, but this does not always signify having a good taste.

I hate the agony of waiting, everyone does, but our existence is bound by waiting in long lines at the store, waiting for someone to talk to us, waiting for someone to like us, waiting for the time of our passing, and waiting for the revelation. Yet I have also thought that we can pacify the agony of waiting, by doing things we love. No rush, just wait.

/keɪn/

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“Do you love me enough that I may be weak with you? Everyone loves strength, but do you love me for my weakness? That is the real test.”

— Alain de Botton, Essays in Love

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From VSCO

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Some poetry that is supposed to be given to my bestfriend for her birthday, I scrapped the project when I realize I can’t write tons of poetry in a span of a month.

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“You rely on us to be good so you can carry out your cruelty, You expect us to treat your intolerance with tolerance, You weaponise our kindness against us, reframe our compassion as our weakness, Whilst hiding being selective history and gaslighting so we have to debate our humanity. What happens then, when the good stop being good. What happens when we decide to fight fire with fire, give you a taste of the poison you have fed us for centuries, Show you what happens when the oppressed fight back when you soaked this script in our blood, when you are the ones who started this war you do not get to ask for peace. so fuck you, and fuck your civility.”

— Nikita Gill, Fuck Civility 

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Symbolism

I thought I might not be the only writer out there who likes to put symbolism in their stories so I found some things and what they represent!!

Animals

Alligator - stealth, survival

Ant - diligence, industry, community, remarkable strength, hard working, success, patience

Antelope - action

Armadillo - boundaries, self protection

Badger - aggressiveness, passion and drive

Bat - rebirth, longevity, joy, good luck

Bear - gentle strength, dreaming, introspection, power, protection

Beaver - builder, accomplishing goals

Bee - divine messenger, love, service, gathering, community

Bird - enlightenment, perspective, swiftness, vision, prophetic knowledge

Boar - nature-based wealth, prosperity, success, protection, courage

Buffalo - prayer, abundance, survival needs met, good fortune, healing

Bulls’ horns - a good symbol in meditation for motivation

Butterfly - rebirth, the soul, transformation, the three phases of life

Cat - feminine energy, mystical power, used to keep the wearer safe in travel, wholeness

Chameleons - ever-changing future, inconsistency

Cheetah - speed, focus

Cougar - power, swiftness, balance

Cows - red cows are a symbol of hope, inspiring symbol for nurturing efforts

Coyote - trickster

Crane - longevity. A pair of cranes symbolizes “Long Marriage”

Cricket - good luck charm, singing, Spring, fertility

Crow - sacred law, gateway to supernatural, shape shifting, illusion

Deer - graceful gentleness, sensitivity, compassion, kindness

Dog - companionship, health, service, loyalty, protection, future prosperity

Dolphin - manna, joy, childlike play, helpfulness, breath of life, harmony, intelligence, self connection

Donkey - fertility, easy childbirth, efficiency, health, well-being, and luck

Dove - peace, innocence, fidelity, love, gentleness, kindnes

Dragonfly - good fortune, magic, vision, dreams, luck, and ancient knowledge, illusion

Dragon - wisdom due to long lives and potent magic, royalty, Emperor, eternity, courage, strength, rain, Spring

Eagle - courage, spirit, bravery, strength

Elephant - commitment, strength, astuteness

Elk - stamina, pride, power, majesty

Fish - miracles, providence, sea/water magic, good luck and prosperity, foresight, fortune, salmon in particular, are associated with knowledge

Fox - camouflage, adaptability, integration, tricksters, shape shifters, and possessors of great magic

Frog - healing, cleansing, messages, health, honesty, fluidity, purification

Gazelle - awareness

Giraffe - grounded vision

Goat - tenacity, diligence, can help to achieve goals, endure criticism, and stay safe. Goat’s fur or foot - an anti-evil talisman.

Goose - safe return, love of home

Grasshopper - nobility, prosperity

Hawk - nessenger, strength, foresight, truth

Hippopotamus - emotional depths

Horses - power, stamina, speed, transportation and communication - A black horse with a white marking on its forehead is lucky

Hummingbird - joy, pure love, celebration of life

Ladybug - delight, trust

Lamb - filial piety (dutiful respect or regard for parents).

Lion (baby) cubs - inspire mercy and gentleness.

Lion (grown) - inspire strength, courage

Lions - pride, nobility, cunning, courage, just laws, fairness, the sun, images can protect sacred ground.

Lizard - dreaming, foresight, ancient secrets

Lynx - secrets

Monkey - benevolence, drives away evil

Moose - self-esteem, assertiveness

Mountain Lion - wisdom, leadership

Mouse - frugality, rebirth, scrutiny

Opossum - strategy, diversion

Otter - medicine (woman), balanced feminine energy

Owl - deception, wisdom, clairvoyance, magic

Ox - evil spirits that disturb lakes, rivers, and seas

Peacock - wholeness, dignity, beauty, recognition, self assurance, pride

Pig - rebirth and rejuvenation

Porcupine - innocence

Rabbit - fear, fertility, moon magic, speed, swiftness, longevity, courage, strength

Raccoon - dexterity, disguise

Raven - magic

Robin - growth, renewal

Rooster - courageous, warlike disposition, warmth and life of the Universe

Scorpion - the “fire within” that often needs careful tending

Seal - inner voice

Sheep - sacrifice

Snake - cunning, evil, supernatural power

Spider - destiny, fate, weaving

Squirrel - gathering

Swan - grace

Tiger - courage, bravery, fierceness, strength, being in the now

Turtle - mother earth

Weasel - stealth

Whale - record keeper

Wolf - teacher, A Guide to the Sacred

Zebra - Individuality

PLANTS

Aloe- Healing, protection, affection

Amaryllis- Pride

Anemone- Forsaken

Angelica- Inspiration

Apple blossom- Preference

Arborvitae- Unchanging friendship

Aster- Symbol of Love, Daintiness

Basil- Good wishes

Bay- Glory

Begonia- Beware

Bittersweet- Truth

Black-eyed Susan- Justice

Bluebell- Humility, kindness

Candytuft- Indifference

Red carnation- My Heart Aches, admiration

- White carnation- Innocence, pure love, women’s good luck gift

- Pink carnation- I’ll never forget you

- Yellow carnation- Disdain, disappointment, rejection

Chamomile- Patience

Chives- Usefulness

Chrysanthemum- Cheerfulness

Clover, white- Think of me

Coreopsis- Always cheerful

Coriander- Hidden worth

Crocus- spring, Youthful gladness

Cumin- Fidelity

Cyclamen- Resignation and good-bye

Daffodil- Regard

Daisy- Innocence, hope

Dill- Powerful against evil

Edelweiss- Courage, devotion

Fennel- Flattery

Fern- Sincerity

Forget-me-not- True love memories

Gardenia- Secret love

Geranium- oak-leavedTrue friendship

Gladiolus- Remembrance

Goldenrod- Encouragement, good fortune

Heliotrope- Eternal love

Holly- Hope

Hollyhock- Ambition

Honeysuckle- Bonds of love

Horehound- Health

Hyacinth- Games and sport, playfulness, rashness

– Blue Hyacinth- Constancy of love

– Purple Hyacinth- Sorrow, forgiveness, regret

– Yellow Hyacinth- Jealousy

– White Hyacinth- Loveliness, prayers for someone

Hydrangea- Gratitude for being understood; frigidity and heartlessness

Hyssop- Sacrifice, cleanliness

Iris- A message

Ivy- Friendship, continuity

Jasmine- white- Sweet love

Lady’s-mantle- Comforting

Lavender- Devotion, virtue

Lemon balm- Sympathy

Lilac- Joy of youth

Lily, calla- Beauty

Lily, day- Chinese emblem for mother

Lily-of-the-valley- Sweetness, purity

Lotus Flower- Purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration, and rebirth

Magnolia- Love of nature

Marjoram- Joy and happiness

Mint- Virtue

Morning glory- Affection

Myrtle- Good luck and love in a marriage

Nasturtium- Patriotism

Oak- Strength

Oregano- Substance

Pansy- Thoughts

Parsley- Festivity

Peony- Bashful, happy life

Pine- Humility

Poppy, red- Consolation

Rhododendron- Danger, flee

Rose, red- Love, I love you.

Rose, dark crimson- Mourning

Rose, pink- Happiness

Rose, white- Purity, heavenly, I’m worthy of you

Rose, yellow- Jealousy, decrease of love

Rosemary- Remembrance

Rue- Grace, clear vision

Sage- Wisdom, immortality

Salvia, blue- I think of you

Salvia, red- Forever mine

Savory Spice-  interest

Sorrel- Affection

Southernwood- Constancy, jest

Sunflower- Adoration

Sweet pea- Pleasures

Sweet William- Gallantry

Sweet woodruff- Humility

Tansy- Hostile thoughts

Tarragon- Lasting interest

Thyme- Courage, strength

Tulip, red- Passion, declaration of love

Tulip, yellow- Sunshine in your smile

Valerian- Readiness

Violet- Loyalty, devotion, faithfulness, modesty

Wallflower- Faithfulness in adversity

Willow- Sadness

Yarrow- Everlasting love

Zinnia- Thoughts of absent friends

Color

Red: Excitement, energy, passion, love, desire, speed, strength, power, heat, aggression, danger, fire, blood, war, violence, all things intense and passionate, sincerity, happiness (Only in Japan)

Pink: love and romance, caring, tenderness, acceptance and calm.

Beige and ivory: symbolize unification. 

Ivory: symbolizes quiet and pleasantness. 

Beige: calm and simplicity.

Yellow: signifies joy, happiness, betrayal, optimism, idealism, imagination, hope, sunshine, summer, gold, philosophy, dishonesty, cowardice, jealousy, covetousness, deceit, illness, hazard and friendship.

Dark Blue: Symbolizes integrity, knowledge, power, and seriousness.

Blue: Peace, tranquility, cold, calm, stability, harmony, unity, trust, truth, confidence, conservatism, security, cleanliness, order, loyalty, sky, water, technology, depression, appetite suppressant.

Turquoise: calm. 

Teal: sophistication. 

Aquamarine: symbolizes water. 

Lighter turquoise: a feminine appeal.

Purple: Royalty, nobility, spirituality, ceremony, mysterious, transformation, wisdom, enlightenment, cruelty, honor, arrogance, mourning, temperance.

Lavender: femininity, grace and elegance.

Orange: Energy, balance, enthusiasm, warmth, vibrant, expansive, flamboyant, demanding of attention.

Green: Nature, environment, healthy, good luck, renewal, youth, spring, generosity, fertility, jealousy, service, inexperience, envy, misfortune, vigor.

Brown: Earth, stability, hearth, home, outdoors, reliability, comfort, endurance, simplicity, and comfort.

Gray: Security, reliability, intelligence, staid, modesty, dignity, maturity, solid, conservative, practical, old age, sadness, boring. Silver symbolizes calm.

White: Reverence, purity, birth, simplicity, cleanliness, peace, humility, precision, innocence, youth, winter, snow, good, sterility, marriage (Western cultures), death (Eastern cultures), cold, clinical.

Black: Power, sexuality, sophistication, formality, elegance, wealth, mystery, fear, evil, unhappiness, depth, style, sadness, remorse, anger, anonymity, underground, good technical color, mourning, death (Western cultures), austerity, detachment.

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Sandoval: I dare you to kiss the cutest person in the room.

Juanito: Paulita.

Paulita: [blushes] Yes?

Juanito: Step aside, I need to go to Placido.

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Tigmá

TIGMÁ

A PeniLaez Fan Fiction

Tigma – was a youth’s first taste of war or love.

The air is thick because of humidity, a usual ambiance during the near end of a school year. Most of the teens outside at this time can either be seen sitting under the rusted roof of a sari-sari store, sweltering with sweat and dust.

Under Aling Idyang’s store was Placido, elbows resting on a bamboo table and on top was a misted cola and pinned inside was a straw, bubble gurgling which the waiting boy kept on staring at. It was the least he can do since he was waiting for his friend Tadeo to come out from the gates of Unibersidad de Manila.

He knew that his friend will eventually cut class as he usually does, and though he condemns this kind of activity he can’t really change his friend’s mind about its habits, all he can do was to hang out with Tadeo whenever his class is finished. Apparently his 3:00 PM class was cancelled due to his professor’s emergency meeting in another school; this news was eventually spread until Tadeo himself knew about this from another classmate. Then Tadeo messaged Placido if they can meet outside near the gate but he didn’t mention what they will do, and as a good friend Placido just went out and waited for Tadeo.

Placido’s head was bowed down, almost asleep when someone called his name, “Plaz! Uy, buti naman hinintay mo kami, kala ko uuwi ka na eh” it was Tadeo but he was not alone. “Ito nga pala si Juanito, kaklase ko.”

Juanito, a guy from the same strand as Tadeo extended his hand for a shake which Placido shook without even caring that his hands were drenched in sweat, “Basa ah.” Juan pointed out then gave a little laugh, “Ay! –“ Placido wiped his hands on his uniform, “—Sorry.” He replied sheepishly.

He knew Juanito from the intramurals where he was the opponent’s team captain versus their department’s team. He was tall with a slick combed hair with some locks occasionally falls out then he combs it back with his fingers, he has a fair skin but looks a little darker than usual because of the outside trainings he does for the university game.

Unlike Juanito, Placido is somehow naïve and does not partake with their school’s sports activity that much, though he casually drinks beer with his friends after school and plays online games on the side, he have a pretty well academic life which his parents acknowledge.

“Saan ba tayo pupunta?” Placido asked, “Com Shop?” Tadeo replied. He stood up and slung his backpack on his back, buttoned his open shirt and left with Tadeo.

The computer shop was humid, suffocating, and crowded with kids and teens alike, but this is their usual hang out place. Most of the computer shop around their school has a price of 15 pesos per hour but here it is only ten which for the frequent customer is quite a deal.

Playing online games isn’t really Placido’s hobby, he just gets dragged by Tadeo most of the time since Tadeo doesn’t have many friends in their school since most of them consider him a ‘bad influence’ which is partly true but not completely. For Placido, Tadeo is his older brother which does not help him in his academic life but helps him in practical ways street wise. Tadeo introduced him to many things; beer, casual smoking, billiard houses, places around his school that he wasn’t even aware that existed, how to fight, love advices, girls, and porn sites. All of which are Tadeo’s field of expertise, though sometimes Placido always nudge him the fact that they won’t be forever young and that they need to work something out in order for them to have a good future which in reply, Tadeo just smiles and tell Placido that “Everything will sort out soon.”

“7 na ‘tol. Malayo pa uuwian ko, mauna na ako.” Juanito told Tadeo while they were hanging out in the same sari-sari store earlier. “Kala ko ba pwede ka hanggang 9? Talk shit ka naman eh” Tadeo said which made Placido snicker. Even though he was with Juanito for the whole time this was the only moment Juanito acknowledged his existence by lightly punching his arm and said, “Tinatawa-tawa mo?” while flashing a grin.

“Ganyan yan si Placido, patawatawa lang pero sa isip niya kung anu-ano na sinasabi niya sayo.” Tadeo said,

“Uy hindi ah, natawa lang talaga ako kasi sinasabihan mo si Juanito na talk shit eh parang ikaw hindi.” Placido’s unexpected reply to Tadeo’s taunting made Juanito guffawed and in return made Placido laugh as well.

“Parang gago lang ah.” Tadeo responded to Juanito’s laugh, “At least parang lang eh ikaw gago talaga.” Juanito remarked which again made Placido laughed, “Placido wala ka namang inaambag sa usapan eh, tinatawanan mo lang kaming dalawa.” Tadeo said to Placido.

“Alam mo, pinapahaba mo lang usapan Tads eh, uuwi na ako!” Juanito told Tadeo while grabbing his bag from his seat.

“Diba sa tulay daan mo?” Tadeo asked, “Oo, bakit?” Juanito replied, “Oh, pareho lang pala kayo ng dadaanan Plaz eh, sumama ka na kay Juanito.” Tadeo pointed to Placido, “A-ah, pwede rin naman?” Placido replied.

“Taga-saan ka ba Plaz?” Juanito asked. – ‘Plaz’, a nickname that isn’t really supposed to be used by people Placido just met, ‘Plaz’ is a name given by his parents which was adapted by his closest friends and for him this nickname is something that isn’t really supposed to be used by someone who doesn’t fully know him, but why wasn’t he bothered when Juanito called him by his nickname? He can’t comprehend how, but thank God for the creation of the night that hid the sudden flush of red on his cheeks.

“Doon banda sa may 7/11 pa-palengke.” Placido murmured back. “Oh, sa likod ka lang pala eh, pwede pa kita mahatid.” Juanito, in a manner Placido could not decipher if it’s a suggestion or a joke. Tadeo butted in saying, “LOL, ano yan? Kinder 1?”.

“Hindi, gago ka talaga Tadeo. Tara na nga Plaz.” – The mention of Placido’s nickname once again made a jolt inside him. “Paalam na Tadeo, alis na kami.” Juanito said, Placido did not mention anything instead he just waved goodbye to Tadeo and slowly walked away with Juanito.

The jeepney, like all jeepneys are crowded. The orange neon lit jeepney was even warmer because of the said light, It felt as if everyone inside was being squeezed out of moisture, sweat leaking from the neck and the back of the earlobes, and the stench was even worse. Though everyone smelled bad, Juanito on the other hand smelled as if he just got out of shower, Placido thought. Juanito’s perfume is probably those branded oil based ones that stays on your clothing and skin for the rest of the day and Placido was very much intoxicated by the hints of Juanito’s perfume.

Both of them were on their smartphones, Juanito scrolling through his Instagram account and Placido scrolling through his e-reader, nut Placido was being distracted by the shiny drop of sweat in Juanito’s neck that crawls down slowly making him gulp and then quickly shifting his attention back to the e-book he was reading. “Tigilan mo na Placido Penitente” Placido’s thought incessantly blocking what he just saw. Juanito held his phone close to Placido’s face, “’Plaz, tingnan mo ‘to oh, ang ganda ng sapatos, mukha bang bagay sa akin para sa sunod na tournament?”, Juanito showing what seems to be a latest rubber shoe from a well-known brand being sold online. Placido nodded then answered, “Bagay naman, pero mas mukhang bagay sayo yung kulay puti.”, then Juanito tapped the picture of the white colored one and said. “Oo nga, mas mukhang magandang panglaro. Ikaw ba, hindi ka ba naglalaro?” Juanito asked, “Hindi eh, wala akong hilig.” Placido replied only to get an “Aah.” From Juanito then once again silence filled the gaps between their conversations. Oddly enough Placido hinted a fruity smell coming from his mouth, only then he realized that Juanito was chewing some strawberry candy during the time that they were together. Is he going to kiss someone tonight? Placido couldn’t help to think.

In all honesty, Placido wanted Juanito to ask more. He won’t care even if it’s the most daring question being asked because he will surely make up something just for him to answer the question. Juanito’s presecence brought a dense yet soft feeling within Juanito, like how a large pillow feels when it is on top of your stomach. It feels weird, and completely foreign to Placido but he does not fully acknowledged it.

“Para po!” — One passenger said. “Andito na pala tayo. Baba na uy.” Juanito said, Placido quickly stood and got out of the jeepney with Placido with behind him.

They stood beside the 7/11 when Placido said, “Hindi ka ba sasakay ng tricycle?”, “Ah, Oo, bibili lang ako sa 7/11”, “Um, sige na Juanito, paalam, see you sa school.” Placido waved goodbye and walked away from Juanito.

When he was about to make a turn towards their street he realized that there was something on his pocket, it was a strawberry candy. He ran back to 7/11 then saw Juanito crossing the road; this made him curious because why did Juanito even cross the road to ride another jeep if the tricycle station was just across 7/11?

When Placido got home, he searched for Juanito’s name on Facebook, “Juanito Pelaez” he typed. It loads slowly then a profile appeared, the picture was Juanito slam dunking a ball into the ring of the court, and below it was his information. Apparently, he wasn’t from Placido’s place, Juanito’s house was farther maybe a kilometer far but definitely on the same way as Placido’s, this information made Placido unrelentless, queasy and more significantly, happy.

/keɪn/