karrolinnn

[karrolinnn]

I am a Murakami girl. (rip me to pieces for that, it's fine) But this is something my heart would say if I was ever to allow it to speak.

Quotes by Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

[karrolinnn]

The reality of being a loner

I really don't want to make this post too long, so I won't get in-depth about the experiences I will describe, but, if you'd like me to, I would be happy to do so. Just comment.

My whole life I have been quite the loner. Moreover, an outcast. An absolute ghost. See-through, like a glass figurine.

In elementary school, I used to have only one close friend, she was my best friend at that time. We used to sit together in class, have play dates, later on as we got our first phones we used to text and call each other too. I was fine with having only one friend, she was a great one too, I have always been a pretty introverted girl, so it really didn't bother me.

But I rememeber that for some reason, the rest of the class wasn't too friendly with me. I definitely wasn't bulied, they were just a little distant, maybe even secretive around me. We did play around together and talk about stuff, but not too much. When we used to talk or play some kind of game I always felt a little left out or unwanted. Not to mention feeling like they knew stuff that they didn't want me to know.

But let's say that I just wasn't a regular person in their friend group, so it must be fine for them to not be too open to me, right? But I will never forget this one time, the time I actually felt unwanted by my friends for the first time in my life. The time I heard it crystal clear.

I was at a playground near a friend's house. I saw one of my friends and her best friend at the time together in her front yard. I asked if I could come over and join them, and then they started whispering to each other. To this day, so many years later, I still rememeber one of them saying: "Alright, but you will have to get rid of her later". Maybe I was getting in the way of their playtime as best friends. Maybe not. Eighter way, this was just mean.

In middle school I switched to a different school, and so my class was full of different people too. My elementary school best friend moved to a different school than mine so we eventually lost touch. When it comes to my new class, despite me being nice, talkative and friendly, they would often try to shorten the conversations with me by replying in a dry and blunt manner, then turn around and walk away. Soon enough, they began treating me like a literal ghost. I would talk to them, looking in their eyes, and they would pretend they didn't see me. They looked behind and around me or turned to our other classmates and talked to them instead. So I totally gave up. I made only two friends throughout my middle scho days, but at the end of that period of my life, one sadly moved to a different school and the other - a different country. So we completely list touch.

Switching classes once again in highschool did not help much too. My class did talk to me but only when they had to - for homework or school-related topics. I did make a few great friends in high-school though, happily. But all that changed after graduation.

I graduated and began attending university. The reality of studying library science in my country is the following: I am one of the only 3 people who attend lectures in my whole course, which consists of 12 people. Most times I am all by myself throughout lectures. (This has its' many benefits but that's a different topic) I did not make any friends in university as most people in my faculty are many years older than me and our world views are very different. (There is a 20 year age gap between us for example) I do communicate with the other two people who attend lectures with me, but I do not feel very connected to them. And so, I am now a loner. My friends from highschool all go to work so we rarely meet up. I am usually by myself as I travel to university and attend lectures. I live in a village and have no friends around too. Not to mention how hard it is to make friends when you're an adult.

And here comes the big realisation I had a few weeks ago.

I used to miss being a part of a class. I didn't want to be friends with the rest of the class or even talk to them. Just to be around people. But that all changed when I went to a lecture with a different specialty and we were a total of around 20 people. (average class in my country) Then I suddenly felt very left out. I did have a few people who talked to me, but it was regarding studies. I looked at everyone around me and realised I am once again a ghost. Like I had entered school again. So did I really ever wish to be a part of a class or a fomal group of people? I realised I only liked the idea of it that I had made up in my head. The idea I had romanticized. That I would no longer feel lonely if I had a lot of people attend the lectures I attend. That I would not be lonely if I could attend high school again. But that is not true. I am a loner, and I have always been. I accept that, despite how hard it is sometimes.

[karrolinnn]

Genuine question towards the lesbians: how do you guys find a girlfriend?

For me it genuinely doesn't seem to work out no matter what I do: in real life or online, I cannot find anyone who wants to get to know me, or to even be just friends. All the lesbians are already bagged. Plus, I am lowkey tired of always making the first move. Almost as if I am going out of my way and helplesly trying to defy my fate which is to inevitably be alone for eternity. So..what do I do?

It's extremely draining and depressing to see lesbian couples when I am out (which is rare in my country) and feel like I will never experience love. (as I so far haven't, which is sad by itself considering I am almost 20)

So what do I do? Become a nun? 😭🙏

[karrolinnn]

It's not about being a teen, but about being yourself

When I was 17/18, I used to feel like soon enough (very very soon at that) I will have to quit giggling and swinging my feet over edits of my favorite characters or reading silly little comic books, and instead will have to actually grow up and do adult things. In the past year I have been working on the way I view myself and my identity and have come a long way. So I'd like to share my experience with fear of growing up/getting older and how I overcame it. (maybe not entirely but mostly)

I used to be afraid of the tought that I won't be a teenage girl forever. Imagining my life as an adult, I tought it would be boring. All I could imagine was me going to work, spending most of my day there, then coming back home, doing basic chores, going to sleep and then repeating that same cycle over and over again. I deeply hated the image I had of my "adult life", that I had created in my head. And that made me even more reluctant to grow up. On the other hand, I used romanticize my teenage years quite a lot. Probably because of media. (I will talk about that in a different post) I used to associate all my hobbies and interests with my age, and I felt like the fun in my life would magically evaporate when I turn 18 and older. (Which sounds quite silly, but it makes sense, considering how I had no good example of an adult that lives a life different from that of a robot programmed to work 24/7)

But honestly, after starting university and becoming a "grown up" (or at least old enough to be independent) I realised that all of my "teenage" hobbies and my silly little interests had nothing to do with me being a teenager. They stuck with me despite my teenage years being close to an end.

Nearing 20, I realise that some hobbies stick with me, others don't. And that doesn't have to do with me becoming a "boring adult". It was also never about being a teen. It was about being myself.

I hope this will help other people with a similar mindset. Growing up isn't a bad thing. It's great, as long as you're being yourself.

[karrolinnn]

i needed this one

What to use instead of 'said'

Normally:

• added • replied • answered • stated • announced • questioned • asked • mentioned • remarked

Loudly:

• cheered • shouted • yelled • demanded • barked • blurted • growled • scolded •snorted

Softly:

• muttered • murmured • mumbled • uttered • stuttered • hissed • moaned • mouthed

Emotionally:

• begged • cried • confessed • complained • promised • pleaded

[karrolinnn]

What was your favorite cartoon you watched growing up?

I honestly loved Adventure Time. I used to be and honestly still am a huge fan of The Amazing World Of Gumball, I think it's the perfect representation of our generation (Gen Z). I liked Steven Universe a lot too, I am thinking of rewatching it. Regular Show also has my heart. I also miss weird shows like Uncle Grandpa. I wish they still aired all of those.

Regarding that topic I want to mention a few cartoons that used to be aired on cartoon network a few years ago, (hopefully they still are) which I absolutely ADORE and watch even as a late-teen.

Craig of the Creek

I like this cartoon so much because it is one of the few nowadays that actually have a good plot, teaches children life lessons and has a good animation style. I like that it isn't one of the regular fantasy themed cartoons, but is rather about a group of friends and their encounters during playtime around the river. It includes a positive representation of an lgbt couple (I forgot their names, I think they were chefs?), encourages children to play outside, to read, to accept each other's differences and to be imaginative. In my opinion it's very entertaining and worth watching if you enjoy cartoons even if you aren't a kid anymore.

Summer Camp Island

The main reason why I enjoy this one so much is because of the aesthetics of the cartoon. The drawing style is adorable, I really like the color palette and the character desgins. I like how literally anything can be a character in Summer Camp Island, the kids, the monsters, the Moon and even pajamas. Summer Camp Island is really a safe place for me. It's just so cute.

[karrolinnn]

I really have to get one of these asap TT

Clear CD players 🎧 💿

[karrolinnn]

The Internet as a place to go, rather than a place to live

Hi! This is my first post on this blog and I really hope you like it. Please share your toughts on the matter in the comments or send me a request in my Ask Me Anything, if you'd like for me to give my opinion on a related, or a different topic of your choice.

Introduction

The title of this post is not actually an original thought of mine, but a statement I came across on TikTok awhile ago. Unfortunately, I do not remember the username or any other information about the person who stated this, therefore I cannot give credit. I can only be thankful that someone finally stated this problem in modern society so precisely. Nonetheless, this statement is regarding the Internet, that used to be a place to go in the era of the 2000s up to mid 2010s, and from around 2015 up to nowadays, it has become a place to live. In this post will elaborate on that and state my opinion on the matter.

Physical media being left behind

To begin with, I believe that the reasoning behind this is the tendency of people eighter forgetting about or volunterely letting go of all means of physical media. Physical media refers to DVD and CD players, vinyl players and records, VCR players and cassette tapes and digital cameras. As all of those means of media became outdated, the majority of people gave up on them and began relying on the World Web as a sourse of movies, music and books, and on smartphones as a main device that not only allows access to the Web, but can also be used for taking photos and videos.

What we let go of along with physical media

Quaility is the first feature we let go of along with physcial media. To give an example, the sound quailty of a vinyl is often said to be the highest. Despite that, very few people are interested in purchasing vinyls and listening to them on record players. The reasoning behind this could possibly be the price - vinyls are, in fact, quite expensive. So what about CDs? Most are relatively cheap and anyone could record a CD themselves as well - that makes them even cheaper. So it must not be the price that makes people prefer smartphones for listening to music. Another example, regarding a different type of quailty, is about the visual quality of a photo taken with a digital camera, as simple as a handicam, that is once again much greater than that of one taken with a smartphone, regardless of the brand and version. And, in spite of this, it is much more likely to come across someone taking a photo at a tourist destination, where photos are meant to be of high quality, with a smartphone, rather than with a digital camera. And once again, second-hand digicams are quite cheap. So price here is not a factor. Secondly, we let go of the authentic feeling of incorporating technology into our daily lives. There is nothing that makes you, quite literally in that sense, feel the music better than holding a cd in your hands. Same goes to taking pictures with a digicam and especially reading a book and turning the paper pages. So, despite the higher quality and the authentic feeling of physical media, why people prefer smartphones?

Sacrificing quality and authenticity for the sake of multifuncinality and accessability

The access to a number of actions, that would traditionally be preformed by a few different means of physical media, and those same actions being put together in a single device, makes smartphones exactly what they are - smart. They can be used for many different purposes and are accessible almost worldwide nowadays. Despite that, their muiltifunctional nature means that a person doesn't need to get off of their smartphone almost at all - it provides them with access to a ton of music and movies, pictures of different types of art and online books. It allows the user to take photos and videos quickly and easily, calls can be made and text messages can be sent in a matter of seconds. This is the main reason why so many people volunterely let go of physical media and before they realise it - begin living their lifes online - it is easy, quick and cheap.

Involuntarily living on the Internet

Now that the reason for usage is cleared, we should ask ourselves - what does that usage lead to? Despite smartphones being easily accessible and multifunctional, they are the main reason why the Internet has consumed a huge part of so many people's lives. Relying on a single device for a number of operations, especially a device that gives access to the Internet - a virtual space - really easily causes people to forget about the place where we are meant to live and where we feel best living - physical space. Many people forget about the feeling of real life in the process of preforming so many actions online and living on the Internet becomes something that they don't even realise they are doing.

How do we go back?

There is no actual way of going back to only or mainly using physcial media. Time goes on and we cannot interfere with that. Despite that, there is one thing that should definitely be done - incorporating physical media into our lives as much as we do with smartphones, laptops and computers. Listening to music on CDs, watching movies on DVDs or Blu-Ray discs. Reading physical rather than online books. Taking a digicam with us on trips and vacations. Going to the cinema or theathre. The Internet should once again become we visit, where we can talk to our friends, watch a movie or listen to music from time to time - when we don't own that CD or when that friend lives abroad. That is what it's meant to be - a part of our lives - not where we live them.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, please share your opinion on the matter in the comments. ^^ - karolin

[karrolinnn]

Introduction to Karolin's Daily Life

Karolin's Daily Life contains posts about my daily activities, encounters and overall experiences. I will be happy to discuss various daily life topics here with you, regarding pretty much anything. So, if you have anything you'd like to discuss iwth me, feel free to share! Aside from this, you can visit Karolin's Writings if you like anime headcanons (I take requests), or Karolin's Reviews if you're interested in book and film reviews and discussions (I take recommendations).