kayladenisediary - Tumblr blog

[kayladenisediary]

Sometimes things in life just are what they seem. Sometimes you have to look at life through rose colored glasses and sometimes it’s black and white. All I know is, when I look at this one person, everything in that moment feels calm. I feel like somethings happen for a purpose where it’s to better you or to break you.

Either way, each person has an impact on your life. This person has made a huge impact on mine. It’s so crazy how much someone can mean to you in only 2 months. 2 months of watching them, learning them, embracing them for what they stand for. Learning the things they love, the things that make them happy, the things that make them who they are. Those are the best kinds of things to know about a person.

Every time I look at him and he’s already staring at me I feel a rush of emotion flow through me like .. “you were thinking the same thing I was and now we’re just staring at each other in a candle lit room”. I could stay in that moment forever. Just staring into the eyes of a person who in that moment, adores everything about me. He wasn’t looking through me, he was looking into me. His eyes tell an amazing story. Every line of words that leaves his lips have me aching to hear the next part, the next story, the next chapter.

I like to think of life as a fictional story like that. It can be whatever I want it to be, whatever you want it to be. You can make anything you want out of it. And he is one of the most fascinating stories I have ever heard. I need to know more, I want to know more.

I want to feel the touch his finger tips on my skin so badly. It sends a burning hunger through my entire body every time he comes closer. Every kiss and every smile has me entangled into the beautiful mess that is him. It’s crazy to think about that.

I never want it to go away I never want to forget this feeling but for him I am temporarily a place holder for something better in his life and soon all I will have are the scars from the imprints he left on my soul. My skin will be numb. And the passion will turn into pain. I will live in this moment as long as he will allow it, as long as he wants me to be next to him. I will be there until my presence has no purpose, until the candle burns out.

That’s what’s insane to think about. That this magnificent feeling I have, caused by the grace of him, could be taken away at any moment. How surreal that feeling is. To know that everything that is perfect right now, doesn’t belong to me.

[kayladenisediary]

[kayladenisediary]

An open letter to my ex..

I’ve had time to think about this all night, time to think about what was said, time to think about how we.. I handled this. It was wrong. It was all wrong. We shouldn’t be fighting like this. We shouldn’t be making this so unbearable for each other. You know how I feel about you, I know how you don’t feel about me.. no matter how much it hurts no matter how much we don’t like each other right now we can’t keep doing this, not forever. I said a lot of mean and hateful things that I shouldn’t have said. I am hurt, I am upset, but the things I said made it worse. I guess I have this fear of someone knowing you the way that I do. I don’t like the idea of another woman knowing your body or love the way I do. It makes me scared thinking about you loving another person the way I want you to love me. It’s not fair to you at all for me to put those feelings on you and take them out on you. But I do it anyways because I have convinced myself you don’t care about me. That’s all I ever wanted. I know you say you don’t wanna be with me, that’s fine. I just hope you know that I think about it constantly. I think about you more than I should and I understand that is my fault. I need to stop thinking about things I can’t control. You arent innocent though, you say a lot of hurtful things too.. and most of the time those things don’t leave my mind. The things you say to me I remember and I use them to hurt myself over and over because I convince myself they’re true and they’re the reasons you don’t want me. I convince myself the mean and hateful things you say about me are true and it makes me angry with you because I don’t want you to think about me that way. I want you to feel like you can come to me for anything. Not the other way around. I want you to not label me the person you despise most in the world. Thinking about losing you this way is so disheartening. It makes me feel so dull and lifeless wondering if this is how things are going to be forever. This can’t be it.. we can’t end like this.. it’s not good for either of us. I don’t want to sit here and wait on you forever and I know you don’t wanna turn me away every day.. you look at me like the worst person you can think of right now. And that’s probably my fault. I made myself look that way. I get so angry sometimes I can’t think straight before I act. It’s like the anger just takes over my body and I’m no longer in control of my own emotions. I don’t want that to happen every time we fight. Why can’t we just fix things between us? Why can’t we just love each other instead of putting each other through these things? I don’t blame you for everything. I don’t blame you for how I acted. I chose to act that way and it was wrong. I shouldn’t want to hurt you that way just because I’m hurting. I don’t want you to hurt. I just wanted you to understand that I was. I wanted you to understand my pain.. and care.. making you miserable isn’t the goal here. It just pushes you farther away from me. I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose you period. I don’t know why things get like this.. why I get that way. I won’t say it’s love.. bc that’s not healthy. There’s things both of us need to change not just me but I can’t fix you, only myself. I hope one day we find our way back to each other because if it’s really meant to be we will find each other again.. but if it’s not then we won’t.. but we won’t ever know until you stop fighting me.. I know right now I can’t expect much from you, I’m going to give you your space.. even though it will feel like I’m dying inside the whole time we aren’t talking. But I wish you’d stop fighting me.. I’m tired of fighting. I wish you’d just.. try to understand how I feel.. and why.. because I don’t wanna be like this forever... I love you and maybe one day we can be better than this.. maybe one day our hearts will love each other again.. the right way. But I won’t force you, or make you try. I would rather you want to on your own. But if you can’t, you can’t. And I’ll have to accept that. But it won’t keep me from being hopeful for a better future.

[kayladenisediary]

I can’t be in this place anymore. This place of wondering when you’re going to care about me again. When I’m going to be important to you.. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me you love me.. you haven’t. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me you miss me too, you haven’t. I’m so hurt and so alone I just need you. I just want you to hear me. I just want you to feel my pain. I cant go on like this it feels like I’m drowning. I’m breaking down just wondering when you’re going to respond, when ill get to hear your voice. I wanna hold you in my arms but I fear I never will again and that’s what keeps me up at night. I miss my best friend, I miss my other half. I miss the way you made me smile, I miss your hands on my face. I miss your breath on my neck, I miss it all. This is hurting me wondering when things are going to change, go back to normal. Back to when it was just me and you. You took a part of me a long time ago and if you don’t want it I wish you’d give it back I can grieve you. Because without you here with me that’s what it’s gonna take for me to let you go. Please don’t make me let you go.

[kayladenisediary]

I’m sad again for no reason and it sucks.

I don’t know when I’m going to see him again because I messed things up bad. I feel so defeated no matter how hard I try to hide it it’s still lingering around me like a fly. I feel like I’m never going to be fully happy. Like every time I am happy something bad just happens again. I want to be blissfully happy without any stress or worry. I want to wake up and love myself and my life more than anything but in reality I wake up feeling dead, drained, dreadful, doubtful. I don’t know where these feelings come from but I’m so depressed and I’ve been hiding it as best I can to make people think I’m okay. I don’t wanna die though so don’t worry.. I just feel hollow. Like I’m missing a part of myself and I don’t know where it’s gone. I feel blank and empty as if I’m just a walking shell of who I used to be. I’m not myself. I’m a version of myself. But what’s fucked up is I’m just a speck of DNA in this huge ass world. My problems could be worse. There are people out there with worse issues but for some reason mine feel like a galaxy of just pain as lonliness. I have no friends. I have no hobbies. I try to hang out. I try to make plans. It never pans out. I’m always utterly and depressingly alone. I’m so sad. I wanna hide in the dark and never come out. But I already am.

[kayladenisediary]

“I feel like a lot of the time the world is against me. I feel like a lot of the time I am worthless. I feel like a lot of the time I’m forgotten. I feel like a lot of the time I’m ignored. I feel like a lot of the time my mental health is not good. I feel like I could be happier.” I feel like it’s okay to tell people when you’re not okay.

i have been bullied a lot throughout my life. I’ve been blamed for a lot of things as well. It’s no secret that my mental health is not at its best a lot of the time. I won’t hide it. A lot of the time I am sad for no reason. A lot of the time I am depressed and don’t know why. But a lot of the time there is a reason and I do know why. People mistake me as quiet, timid, without a back bone.. but I’m here to tell you those things are not true. I am silently hurting.. but what I am not is a coward, a bully. I am not a hateful person. I care about everyone. And I get mud thrown at me from every angle. I am torn down a lot and people don’t realize it but their words hurt so much more than there actions. For months I have struggled to be happy.. for months I have struggled to make people understand what’s hurting me. I have made it a goal to be understood. I have made it a goal to stand up for myself when nobody else will. I don’t deserve to be treated like trash. And I will not allow myself to be hurt that way.

In August 2018 I attempted suicide. But I refuse to let this define me. My mental health does not define me. Other people’s words do not define me. I am not my mistakes. I am not my “bad days”. I am not my disorder. I am not crazy. I am not unstable. I am not my parents mistakes. I am not what you want me to be. I am myself. I am strong. I am trying. I am growing. I am learning to speak up for myself. I am learning to have patience. I am learning how to be calm. I am learning how to heal. I am learning how to be a better person. I will not be labeled by you. I will not be hurt by you. I will be better.

It is okay to tell people when you are not okay,

and I am simply just not okay. But I will be. And you cannot take that from me.

[kayladenisediary]

May 1st

I am a complete mess right now. I have potentially ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I just can’t stop crying. I have said and done a lot of shitty things in the last 48 hours that he probably shouldn’t forgive me for. I have acted in ways that I don’t recognize as myself. When I imagine the perfect relationship .. I imagine, no fighting, loyalty, passion, a burning desire for the other persons touch. But what you never imagine is what it really is like. Love isn’t easy. Love isn’t perfect. Love is arguments over dumb things that don’t mean anything. Love is sometimes so strong that it is painful. Love makes you feel like you could conquer anything with that person next to you. Love isn’t peaceful. But I swear to god I love him. I’m not perfect or calm. I’m not easy going all of the time. I get jealous I get insecure but one thing I know for sure is who my heart belongs to. And his name is jacob. I know I don’t always make the best choices when it comes to my relationships. I’m still figuring this out. I’m still getting used to the idea of having someone who loves me. I’m so used to the same cycle of people leaving me and giving up on me that I don’t know how to react to this. I’m always waiting on the other shoe to drop. All I know is when he looks at me, dear god my whole world stops. When he says my name my heart flutters. The way he touches my face in his sleep and rubs his thumb across my cheek that is what gets me through this. Remembering the reasons I love him is what keeps me going. Remembering the way his lips feel against my own sends chills down my spine. Remembering the way his voice sounds when he tells me he loves me. I just can’t imagine him not being there with me I can’t imagine it any other way. It feels so right being with him, being his. I will never be perfect and there will always be someone better out there.. someone prettier, smarter, funnier. But there will never be another person who loves him as much as I do. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel secure. I fell in love with him 4 years ago and it’s gotten stronger year after year. He has this hold on me that nobody ever will. I just hope it’s enough. I hope my love for him is enough. I hope I’m enough..

[kayladenisediary]

‘but I can’t help from asking are you bored yet?’

[kayladenisediary]

April 5th

There aren’t enough songs and poems in this world that could describe the way you make me feel. I never thought it would be me and I never thought you would be at a point where you wanted it to be me. I love you so much that I almost don’t know how to put it into words. I know she’s hurt you and I know you don’t want to be vulnerable completely with me but I promise you that I will never give you a reason to be scared or worried. I truly believe that you are my soul mate. I always have. I’ve been in love with you for 4 years. The flame has never burned down or gone away the entire time I’ve known you. I wish I knew how to put this into words but I’m so overwhelmingly happy that I don’t know what to say. I am in pure and complete bliss. Like I could never get enough of you.. your eyes and your smile and just the way you look at me and smile is so mesmerizing. I have every intention of loving you so much that you forget every bit of the hurt she made you feel. Every bit of the pain you went through. I will love you and cherish you so much you don’t remember what it felt like before me. You are everything to me and you make me so incredibly happy. I want to help you achieve so many things in your life. I want to be next to you the entire time you succeed. I want to hold your hand and watch you become everything I’ve always known you would be. You have so much potential and you’re going to be so amazing in life. I want to support you through everything. I want to love you through everything. There is not another person on this planet who makes me feel the way that you do. You are the only person who has me wrapped up in the palm of their hand. There is nothing I love more than waking up and seeing your sleeping face next to mine or laying in your arms and listening to your heart beat. You are probably the love of my life and I’ve never said that to you because I’ve always been too scared to. I didn’t want to look stupid. I’ve never admired another person in my life the way I admire you. I want to show you off and show you how PROUD I am to be yours. I am blessed to be your girlfriend and I am blessed to have the opportunity to show you how great love is when it’s done the right way. I want to show you what amazing things love can do for you when you’re loved by the right person. You are absolutely perfect to me in every single way.

[kayladenisediary]

by Courtney Molyneaux

[kayladenisediary]

if you’re ever scared you’re not a good person, remember that bad people don’t care about being better 

[kayladenisediary]

This is going to be a collection a song lyrics that remind me of you. 🌻

“And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa”

🌱King of my heart - Taylor Swift🌱

•

“I, I loved you in secret

First sight, yeah, we love without reason.”

“I, I loved you in spite of

Deep fears that the world would divide us

So, baby, can we dance

Oh, through an avalanche?

And say, say that we got it

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

Oh, 'cause it's gravity

Oh, keeping you with me.”

🌱Dancing with our hands tied - Taylor Swift🌱

•

“Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

There is an indentation

In the shape of you

Made your mark on me

A golden tattoo

All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation

My hands are shaking from holding back from you (ah, ah, ah)

All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting

My hands are shaking from all this (ha, ha, ha, ha).”

“Say my name and everything just stops

I don't want you like a best friend.”

🌱Dress - Taylor Swift 🌱

•

“You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye

And I got that red lip, classic thing that you like

And when we go crashing down, we come back every time

'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style.”

🌱Style - Taylor Swift🌱

•

“Two shadows standing by the bedroom door,

No, I could not want you more than I did right then,

As our heads leaned in.”

🌱kiss me slowly - parachute🌱

(I’ll add more when I find them)

[kayladenisediary]

I took a selfie guys. Give me credit.

“ Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

There is an indentation

In the shape of you

Made your mark on me

A golden tattoo “

[kayladenisediary]

This is very old. Very very old. But I love it so I’m posting it.

Serendipity

I dont ever want to forget the way you made me feel that night.. i know i sound crazy and this is probably all in my head but i dont think anyone could ever make my body feel the way that you did that night i just cant help but wonder where your head was at when this was happening.. did you feel it too.. the way that our bodies recognized each other’s.. the way your skin melted into mine was an out of this world mind blowing sensation that makes my toes curl and causes a warm sensation in my abdomen. i wanted to kiss you so bad but i was scared youd push me away.. but your body knows mine even after all these years and i still very vividly remember how your hair felt between my fingers and holy shit youre one of the most perfect people ive ever met. you make me furious and happy all at once i could never stay mad at you for long cause all you would have to do is smile at me and i would melt into your arms. you do something to me that nobody else ever could and i searched for it in a lot of other people.. i still do.. but i know that if we are meant for each other we will find our way again. we always do. youve left my life so many times but you always come back and each time you come back its always better than the last time. i feel connected to you in a lot of ways that i do not understand. you make my head spin and my heart warm all at the same time. you drive me crazy in such an amazingly beautiful way. you are the one person who has all of my reason and sanity blinded.. he could never make me feel this way. i loved him but i still searched for you in him and couldnt find you. i want to feel your hand on my face again i want to feel you next to me again i dont care what i have to do to make that happen. i cant get enough of you youre literally a walking opioid with green eyes. i didnt think you could make me feel this way i didnt think that my body would feel so safe underneath yours but it does. you carry parts of me nobody else in this world ever will and i want you to hold the rest of them and cherish the love i have for you. because i promise you i never stopped. you did but that is okay because youre still here and you still exist as one of the best parts of my fucked up life. your remind me of older days and simpler times where nothing else mattered but us. i wish i could take us back to that but i cant and thats okay because im getting used to whatever we have now and whatever we have now is more perfect and feels more right than anything ive ever done. you come so damn naturally to me its unreal.. i dont think i will ever forget opening my eyes and seeing you above me and then looking at the moonlit sky and seeing the stars above us and thinking to myself “is it possible for my life to get any more perfect than it is right now?” you keep telling me that we wont be together and that we arent meant for each other but we always seem to end up in each others arms. isnt that pretty ironic? does it not scream to you that maybe this is how things are supposed to be?? with me on your chest listening to your heartbeat and counting each breath you take because i dont know what else it could be. its like the universe keeps placing us together in hopes that our hearts find each other again. and oh how i wish you would open yours up to me again. you would not regret loving me and you would not regret letting me love you. because i promise you i would cherish you as if you were the most fragile thing the earth ever created. if its not fate then explain it to me.. what is it? i hope you see it one day. ive waited four years for you i think i can wait a whole lot longer and i promise you if i have to wait a lifetime for you i will. because you are that special to me. everything you do is perfect to me. every conversation.. every late night drunken argument weve ever had.. every touch.. and every smile shows me every day that you are without a doubt the person i was supposed to spend my life with. even if its taking you a little longer to figure that out.

[kayladenisediary]

[kayladenisediary]

[kayladenisediary]