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[kenkurogue]

[kenkurogue]

TIFU by trying to go vegan

Obligatory not today, but a while ago, I tried to go vegan. I needed to make a healthy change in my life, including losing some weight. I was a little chubbier so it didn't hurt to eat more vegetables. I wanted to look better too. It was rough at first. I had to get used to the taste of different things I've never had before like tofu and seitan.

At first it was going really well. I was losing a few inches all around and clothes were getting baggy. I was looking good. Then the craving for meat set in. I knew it was coming. It seemed a little too easy to go cold turkey (pun intended) from eating meat. I was getting tired of tofu and textured vegetable protein mixes. It was all tasting the same. I wanted a steak. I wanted pork chops.

I began searching the health food stores for good meat alternatives, I wasn't going to give up going vegan, I had a good thing going. Every store had huge varieties of meat substitutes, but none of them hit the same.

A friend of mine suggested looking online for health food webstores that deliver straight to your house. It was a little more expensive but I was getting desperate. I found one that looked legit and promised the best vegan meat on the market. It was promised to be just like the real deal. I ordered a few pounds of ground vegan beef to try and make burgers with. I missed burgers the most and the thought of one made me drool as I clicked the place order button.

It was next day delivery. It came in a freezer box and looked just like those Impossible burgers in the stores. Already I was impressed. I had already bought the rest of my ingredients to make the best vegan burger I've had in my life. I took some out of the package and began shaping a patty, it felt just like beef but a little different. Crumbles of soy were scattered throughout the "protein" to look like fat. It was an impressive substitute.

It sizzled and browned just like a real burger too. The aroma of it cooking sent me back to memories of family cookouts before I went vegan. I assembled my burger and without hesitation ravenously took a bite. It was the best thing I've ever had in the entire world. I was hooked. It tasted better than the real deal.

The rest of the ground was used in dishes like spaghetti bolognese and lasagna. Within a week, it was gone and I was ready to order more. I figured why not try some other products by them to see if they were any good.

I bought chiken nuggets, more ground vegan beef, and even some bone in wings. The chicken nuggets were juicy and flavorful. I think they were seitan but whatever they marinated them in made them taste and feel just like meat. Then came the wings. The texture wasn't like the nuggets or the ground beef. It felt like biting into the real muscles of meat and the bone looked so real. They were a little chewy but tasted great.

I was addicted to ordering off this site. I had to become their top customer. It became such an addiction my weight loss became weight gain. I had to cut back. I didn't want to but I had to. The mirror wasn't agreeing with all I've been eating. The withdrawals sucked at first. It was like going vegan all over again, but the weight started to come off again.

Then the withdrawals never went away. Instead they got worse. The cravings got worse. I felt like I was going to need methadone. I was dizzy, irritable, and fiending. I couldn't give in.

I tried to live life as normal until my friend asked to go out to eat with me. It was a vegan place of course. They got the cauliflower steak and I got the bang bang soyrizo tacos. While she was cutting into her steak, her knife slipped and cut deep into her arm.

I don't know what came over me. The sight of her exposed wound drove me insane. The hunger I felt was like no other. I don't know if it was because of the withdrawals or what but I wanted to sink my teeth into her arm right then and there.

I shook off the impulse and took her to urgent care. While waiting for her to get stitches, I gave in. I had to buy one last thing. I saw they had a new product. It was like a pork roast apparently. I decided to splurge the extra money to try it out, it was one last hurrah after all.

Again, the package arrived the next morning. I opened the box and saw it. A slab of faux pork roast. I wondered again how they could make it look so real. I don't know why I didn't do this before, but I decided to check the ingredients list to see if it was soy or mycelium. There wasn't one. I thought it was weird since it was required to have one where I lived.

I decided to pull up the website again and navigated their page to try and find ingredient lists. I wish I didn't. The only ingredient listed was: vegan meat (100% human).

[kenkurogue]

Uninspired

I'm at a loss for words

I'm losing the war

Maybe my brain is right

I'm not good enough

Always placing second

Or always placing last

No matter what I do

No matter how hard I fight

I'm miserable now

It's hard to find a way

To make myself feel different

There's no way to stay motivated

In a world with endless possibilities

I could do everything

But what's the point

I feel so uninspired

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Stuck

All of these words

Running through my head

All of these ideas

I want to explore

I think about anything

I want to everything

I want to express myself

But it's not that easy

One side of me fights the other

One wants to do this

One wants to do that

Nobody wins in the end

I'm overwhelmed

I'm frozen

I don't know what to do

I'm stuck

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Creative

Maybe what they said was right

You're able to do it all

Everybody compliments you

They love everything you do

What they don't see

Is the struggle you endure

Giving them what they want

It's a daily struggle

Their expectations are high

Your expectations are higher

Everything needs to be perfect

It's an eternal battle

Everything you've done

You stare at it now

Maybe what they said was right

Maybe you're not creative

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Breathe

You gasp

You gulp

You claw at your throat

Nothing helps

Your chest feels tight

Your heart feels on fire

Your vision blurs

Your head feels fuzzy

You're not choking

You don't know why

But it feels you might die

You need to inhale

Your air restricted

You don't know

If you'll pull through

You can't breathe

[kenkurogue]

Empty

You want to write

You want to be creative

You get out your pen

You get out your paper

You put ink to the page

You can't think of anything

The blinding white of the paper

It mocks you

You should have that page filled

You have so many ideas

You have so many words inside

You can't get them out

You don't know where to start

You don't know where to end

The paper lays there under your pen

Empty

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Soulmate

The weekly call comes in

Officers dispatched

Red and blue flash

Sirens roll

They're on the lawn this time

The porch is trashed

Front door open wide

Inside is wrecked

Screams and cusses

Bruises and cuts

Blood and spit

Spewing hatred

Tell them to leave each other alone

They don't listen

They never do

They always go back

They're soulmates

They're meant for each other

They're complete together

They'll never leave each other

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Addicted

I'm addicted to be addicted

I trade one for another

I've been through them all

Almost all

If I don't stop it will be all

It I don't stop that will be all

There's only one way

This addiction can be stopped

There's only one way

To make one final swap

The addictions aren't good for me

But that doesn't make me quit

I can't get over them

Once I quit one I'm on to another

I've relapsed so many times

I'm addicted

[kenkurogue]

Worm

Worm

It burrows deep

It whispers lies

It deceives

It breaks you down

The worm won't die

It feeds off of you

A parasitic relationship

You are the host

It is your parasite

You wish for symbiosis

You try to quell the voices

It squelches in your ear

Speaking of harm

The worm controls you

It won't release you

Not even after you're dead

[kenkurogue]

Candy

This one makes you happy

This one stops migraines

This one knocks you out

This one is for your back

This one is to help you eat

This one is to keep you from eating too much

This one is to soothe your joints

This one is for blood pressure

This one is for regulation

This one is for fatigue

This one is for your surgery scar

This one is for the lingering pain in your knee

This one is for all your daily vitamins

This one is for your kidneys

This one is for that rash

This one numbs everything

Just like candy

There's one for everyone

Lucky for you

You get to take them all

[kenkurogue]

Hellfire

Your skin is burning

Your chest is red

Your muscles are screaming

You try to breathe but there's no air

Nobody around you is reacting

You are on fire

Nobody else can see the flames

You are engulfed

Air comes to you

You take too much

You begin to hyperventilate

Oxygen deprivation becomes an overdose

You want to scream

Your throat is tight

Nobody can hear you

You don't understand why they can't

Nobody sees the hellfire

Cremating you in front of them

Nobody will help you

They just say it's all in your head

[kenkurogue]

Windfall

The broken glass

The shattered plates

You relive the night before

You remember the love you lost

Was it love?

Or were you a pawn it controls

Love wouldn't hurt you when you try to pick up the pieces

Yet it hurts like the cut now on your hand

The wind has died

Your house in ruins

There was no peace before

No calm before the storm

Only after

Love wouldn't leave holes in the wall

Love doesn't destroy what you treasure

You don't deserve what they called love

It wasn't love

The wind shows to you

The bullet you dodged

Though it feels you were struck

It's easier to heal this way

You were left stunned

Years of work left crumbled

All in a night

A storm showed its true colors

It left you with destruction

It destroyed everything in its path

Except for you

It was your windfall

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Grim

Grim

Winter ran late this year

You carried her for months

You look down

The snow is fresh with the miracle of life

Your fawn doesn't move

You nudge her, encouraging her to stand

Predators are near

They smell your struggle to bring life into the world

You stare into her half-lidded eyes

The abyss within reflects no soul

A clouded void replaces the light you expected

She lays there motionless

You stare for what seems like days

Frost forms around the body of your fawn

You try again desperately to move your babe

You refuse to accept the outcome of your tribulations to bring her into existence

Your effort was for nothing, at least that's what you think

She is your grim reminder there is more than life

[kenkurogue]

Why can't you mind your own business?

What's that person doing?

It doesn't matter, it's not your business.

They're at a funeral, why aren't they crying?

People don't cope the same, it's not your business.

Why aren't they working, they're just sitting there.

They're on break, its not your business.

Why don't they have friends? That's not normal.

Some people are introverts, it's not your business.

Why aren't they...?

It's not your business.

Why can't they...?

It's not your business.

How could they...?

Why can't you mind your own business.