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[kickingupdust]

Virtual Entry #21

Fuck you and your stupid fucking 000000 00000. You're a poser if I ever met one. I never thought someone could be so fucking 0000 and far removed from acting like a human being. 

Fuck, okay. The 00000 actually look really nice. I am sure they look even better in person. I am just MAD. 

I feel like an experiment lately. Like someone is up in the sky laughing, crying, cheering, and booing. Rooting for me when I do what they think is good, and sighing in disappointment when I fuck up. 

I am sure someone is out there pulling some strings. Maybe not in the sky, per se, but somewhere above me. Another plane of existence, another level of consciousness. 

I have been seeing a lot of hawks lately. Osprey. 

I feel like they are watching over me. I have started keeping a close eye out for them.

I have noticed there is one very large hawk that perches in the same tree every day, and I quite look forward to seeing it sitting there on my way home from class. I would like to think it sits there just for me. 

Ah, inflated self-importance.

I have decided I am done with love for the foreseeable future. I do not want to be toyed with any longer. I have bad taste, and flimsy boundaries. Horrible combo for a relationship. 

The last guy I dated really did a number on me. 12H synastry *sigh*. 

I really am just tired of seeking love in other people when it’s inside me. I shower others in the love I wish to receive myself. It’s a bad character flaw, it’s codependency, it’s unhealthy. 

I have mastered most other aspects of health; healthy eating, staying active, nurturing familial connections, loving and caring for my pets, self-reflection, idk I am sure there are other things I can add to this list. 

I have come a really long way, but I am really dumb when it comes to romantic love. I expect too much and not anything at all at the same time. I have silent expectations, and then become frustrated when they aren’t met. People are not mind readers! 

I need a serious break from trying to love someone in a relationship. It’s not for me right now. I need to work on myself and my boundaries, and on loving myself. 

I have met a lot of amazing people at this low low point. I have felt unlovable, unacceptable, rejected. I have felt like I am not good enough, and like no one will ever love me or care for me, even as a friend. I reached a point of complete devaluation. I could not see why anyone would want to be around me, speak to me, anything. I was so extremely insecure. And all of the sudden I began meeting people who had been through similar things, felt the same way, and like me, they are searching for a way out. 

I always feel like I struggle socially but in meeting these people at school and online, I feel like I am finally finding community and feeling like I belong somewhere. I am finding love everywhere, and starting to love my life again. I am starting to live. 

I have moments where I devalue myself again, small instances make me question all of the progress I have made. I falter at times, but I still stand tall. 

My moods are still all over the place, but I have accepted so much about myself and the treatment I have endured, and realized why I have accepted the treatment I have. 

I am more confident. I am happier, and whole. I still do not think I am where I should be, but I am showing myself kindness and extending to myself the grace that I so commonly only give to others. 

I try to show kindness to others where I can, give people compliments, tell people hello, and entertain small conversations when the opportunity comes present. 

I am releasing my bad habits. I am battling my addictions, and I am reaching out for help when I need it. 

I am beginning to be honest with those around me about how I feel, and not being embarrassed at their reactions. 

I am making progress, and I am proud. 

I am finally proud to be me, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Entry #20

Have you ever felt like just emptying the clip? I am not a gun owner, I don't plan on being one anytime soon, but i just feel like if i had a gun to go empty on a tree somewhere, in the middle of nowhere in particular, i just might feel a little bit better, 

Maybe I wouldn't have such bad intimacy issues. Maybe i wouldn't assume the worst, maybe i wouldn't self sabotage at every impasse, and burn down every bridge before i've even attempted to cross it. I just don't know what else to do anymore but keep working

Its that or die

That or condemn myself to wage slavery

Is that not what I'm headed toward anyway?

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #19

I am done wishing for things. I am not done wanting but I am done wishing. Wishes do not come true. I have known that since I was 5 years old sitting in the back of my moms mini van staring out the window wishing I would somehow be adopted. That I would somehow be taken from my mom. Wishes do not come true. There is no point in even making them. I am the only one that can make my life happen. All this new age spirituality bullshit is deluding my mentally ill brain into thinking that I can ask and just receive. It doesn't work like that at all. Work your fucking ass off and make some money and buy what you want. That's how you receive it. Maybe in some other life where I didn’t live in a capitalist consumerist society things would be different. But what is even the point of wondering if things were different? I can just make them different. 

I am so angry lately. Just extremely angry and dissatisfied. I need to get out of this house; my dad doesnt like to feel incapable or lesser than and living with me makes him feel that way. It blows up every couple months, and its about due time for a fight. 

I wont be having a fight because I do not want to, so I wont. I am sick of being surrounded by miserable people who do not even realize that they are the source of their own misery. 

I am sick of the financial abuse and being kept on a leash for fear that my family will tame my son away, They can fucking take him, I dont care anymore. I will get him back if they take him. I am so fucking sick and tired of the culture my family raises kids up in. It is unrealistic and idealized and ridiculous. They make you feel like you can achieve anything, so long as yourea achieving by their standards. If you have a skill that they dont see as useful or valuable then YOU are not useful or valuable. And they place alot of bets on being useful and valuable. 

Its not hard to feel useless and valueless in this family. 

If anything, I should be grateful. In exchange for limitless emotional suffering, I can be financially supported. For the most part. Most of the time. Sometimes daddy has to make sure I am reminded of how much he does and how little he’s gotten to do with his life. And I find myself thinking and feeling the same things about my own son. I am trying to break the cycle but it seems like no matter what, I keep getting sucked back into it. It is so hard. Just to exist is so difficult. I dont know what else to do. Less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking more doing less thinking

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #many 

I am in need of a good brain dump. I am sick of being a perfectionist. I dont hate myself for it and I don't even think it's necessarily a bad thing, it is just very tiring. It is also disappointing that I think I have to be perfect in order for people to love me. Many times it is the imperfect that attracts us to one another. And I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is beautiful. I do not however, think it beautiful ro revel and rejoice in pain, whether it be shared pain, similarly experienced pain, or pain inflicted unto or received from others. 

I’d go back and burn every bridge twice if it meant I would learn half as much.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Entry #17

Feb 8, 2023

What to say?

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #16

January 2nd, 2023

Happy belated New Year. Holidays have become wholly unimportant to me. They always were, because they are just a day like any other day. On top of the fact that most observable American holidays are ripped from ancient or pagan religions, or just made up entirely. I like them though, as much as it sounds like I don’t. I like them, and they are fun to celebrate, but they do not matter and are unimportant. They bear no significance on my life in the long haul. 

Except that I decided to start hosting the Christmas breakfast that my late grandmother used to host. It’s been about five years since it has occurred here, in this house, due to the fact that she was dying of cancer and had moved in with my aunt so she could receive 24/7 care. 

So the holiday Christmas does bear some importance or significance, but only starting this year has it. 

I have so much to talk about and so little energy to talk about it. I feel like I say that in every entry. Oh blah blah boohoohoo, me so sleepy honk shoo. Suck it up, bitch!

I did that Artist’s Way shit for like 11 days. It was extremely mentally exhausting and I just don’t need all that noise. I have been soul searching and self-improving for years on end now, it’s time to sit back and just harvest the fruits of my labor. I am not done working, I have much to be done, so energy can not be spent and wasted on self improvement at this time. I am starting college in one week and I will need all the energy I can get. I'll go to school 4 days a week. I think  I'm going to start donating plasma so I can make some money.

I got good presents for christmas. Sol invictus. Some presents were from people I did not want anything from, and it was way over the top. A bridge will be burnt soon. Like, tonight or tomorrow soon. I do not want to get all the way into it but basically my ex saw a tweet of mine saying I wanted a particular gaming system, and he mailed it to my house. This ex r*ped me once, and coerced and manipulated me our entire relationship. He went behind my back and talked about me to and with my estranged mother, and talked about me to my son’s father’s girlfriend, who he knew did not like me. I didn't even know she didn’t like me. She was always very friendly with me, we watched each others kids free of charge (even though they were supposed to pay me for watching their kids 8-5 for two months), I got her small gifts when she was feeling low, I checked on her when I knew she was going through a hard time, she told me everything. My trust has been shattered.  

Prism by TANUKI came out recently and it goes so fucking hard. Like ridiculously hard. I got some BOSE headphones and I have been loving them. I wear them everywhere. 

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #15

Oct 31st, 2022

Hey journal, been a while. I’ve been trying to live “real life”. It mostly comprises of long naps and taking way too long to make breakfast. 

Tonight is Halloween. I did well. I bought $250 worth of candy, including full-sized bars, and about 20 kids got all of it. There weren’t many trick-or-treaters tonight. It seems like Halloween is dying a little. I kind of had a theory that it’s just the failing economy though. Also the sociopolitical polarization surrounding religion and purity has been rampant for about a year or so, so it wouldn’t surprise me if a bunch of parents kept their kids from participating because it's a “pagan” holiday and shit. Donald Trump damaged our society in ways unimaginable. 

Today I feel free. I feel like being myself and not apologizing for it. A lot has happened, yet nothing at all. Nothing has phased me to where I’ve entirely lost myself. I have been entirely solution oriented, yet at the same time not cared if a solution presented itself. I’ve had the “it is what it is” mindset, but in less of a nihilistic way and more of an opportunistic way. Like, well, that happened, what can I do now? 

I haven’t felt so bad recently. I have felt very drained though. I picked up smoking again, but then again, did I ever really put it down? 

I gotta start sleeping on time again. Taking care of myself, meeting my ego needs. 

I ordered “The Artist’s Way”. One of my friends raves about it and says how much it’s helped her with creative block and just healing in general, so I am finally going to give it a try. I was quite skeptical for a while because she is kind of one of those people that parades around as a spiritual guru while living a life brim-full with substance abuse, partying, concert-going, bridge-burning, and spite. However, my life is not devoid of those things so I am not to judge. I’ll give it a shot. 

I’m not sure what Halloween should mean for me spiritually. Probably much more than I give it credit for. It was just always sort of an awkward affair for me because I always thought my costume was bad, or that I was too old to dress up, or too shy to go door to door and say “trick-or-treat”. None of that matters though. It's supposed to be fun and free of judgement. A day when lines are blurred and intentions obsolete. 

I’m not even really sure what to talk about. It feels weird to be alive. I feel like I have been fighting the same battles forever, and for the longest time they were quite difficult, I never learned. But now, there’s solace in submitting, in losing. It makes the wins more memorable and meaningful. 

I need to read more. I think I’ve said that a million times but I am for real this time. I’m getting real sick of the internet.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #14

Oct 12, 2022. 

Today is the anniversary of my best friend’s death. Today was not as hard as the first one. Definitely not as hard as the day she left. It’s easier to deal with when I think of all of the hatred and anguish of the material world and know that she did not deserve to be subject to any more of it. She is genuinely better off where she is. Grief rises from a place of selfishness, self-servitude. Desire. The desire for one more chance, one more opportunity to set things right, one more look into their eyes, one more laugh, one more awkward silence, another note of her voice. 

I do still wish she was here, I do battle the selfishness that comes with loss. With each passing year, with each butterfly that lands on me at an opportune moment, I feel less desire for her return. However, I love her. I always did and I always will. And losing her love is one of the biggest plights I will face in this lifetime. 

That’s enough about that. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. That’s why it has become easier over time, because I just deny any passage to the thoughts. I think that is really the only way. 

Oct 13, 2022

I’m so sorry that you have to have a body. One that doesn’t know what’s best for it. One you try to trust, but no matter what, you just can’t know it well enough. Cannot tend its needs well enough. I wish for nothing more than to unite the head and the heart. 

I wish I could show myself the love I so desperately crave. But, I want it from someone else. I want it to be materialized. Hugs and kisses. I cannot give myself those things. Surprises, flowers on the counter when I get home. Little things. Remembering my coffee order.

I wish someone wanted me. I’m normally just kept around for what I can offer, not because someone actually loves or cares for me. But I’ve got an angry heart. 

I know I can never be loved at this rate. I am not a courageous person. Determined, maybe. But what it really takes is courage. 

I think I am still missing my late friend. I think about how different I felt then. I won’t pay it too much mind though, that is just asking to be sad. 

I’m not even really sure what to talk about. Type about? 

I feel really annoying. Like I’m a sore on a beautiful woman’s face. 

That doesn’t even make much sense. I just feel really undesirable. Like a loser. I feel unworthy of love but at the same time I know I am wonderful and could offer the best love a person has ever recieved. I’m just crazy. 

Maybe it’s better to be alone. So I don’t have to put anyone through this. Or keep putting myself through it. 

I just wish for so much. I know the good will come to me someday. I have tried acting in the best interest of all, not just me. I’m working on that though. I am still extremely selfish and self serving. I have emotional reactions to things. I don’t always tend the things I need to be tending. 

I am really sick of feeling this way. I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to just be someone else for a day. I often wish I could have a little break where I did just that. 

When I was younger I had this grand scheme to just buy a bus ticket and get the fuck. I realized after numerous haircuts and eyebrow shapes that I have a very moldable face, one that is easily disguised. I wanted to run away and change my identity. Maybe be homeless. Maybe walk to another country. Chris McCandless style. 

I probably would’ve ended up on heroin, assaulted, and dead. 

I always thought it was probably better for me in the long run that I got pregnant as a teenager. It kept me from doing alot of stupid shit. Not all stupid shit, because I still do stupid shit. Just not as stupid as I was. Like dropping acid under a train bridge. I mean that was a pretty cool experience but it was not a smart thing to do. 

The dumbest thing I do these days is look for love. It exists within me and all around me, yet I still seek it as if my life is completely devoid of it. I just miss having someone to love I guess. I don’t really even know what it is. The people I have loved and do love have a really hard time accepting love from me due to my volatile nature. Its entirely my fault. Written in the stars that I would struggle and be difficult to others. I know I deserve good things as much as the next person, it’s just hard to feel like I do. Deep down I don’t think I do. But on the surface I affirm to myself that plenty of bad people have experienced so much good, and it makes me jealous, and it makes me say I deserve it all the same as them. That doesn’t make sense, does it. 

Doesn’t matter. Nothing really does. I could keep being an idiot in love forever if I wanted. And in general. I just need to focus on my career. I know that won’t bring me much happiness but it’ll be a step toward having my own place and I know that would make me happy. Getting to exert full control over an environment, I know it’d serve my control freak ass well. 

I wish I was carefree. 

FUCK?

Stop wishing for shit, dude. I need to be happy with what I have, I have so much. I have so much more than I could’ve ever gained on my own, and it’s all been with the help of others. What happened to graciousness, my man? 

I stopped biting my nails. I’m really grateful for that. I’ve gotten better at painting my nails. Me and my sister are great friends. I cut off and blocked all my ex’s. I have a nice shiny laptop to use for school next semester. I got granted money to go to school. I have a place to live. I have groceries in the house, plenty of food. I have clean water for drinking and showering. I have 2 really cute dogs. I have an awesome son, he’s a hellcat but I know he’ll be great one day. He’s already great, I just mean I see him capable of doing great things. He is so smart. 

I have a bunch of colorful pens, all the art supplies a starving artist could want. I have friends. I have both my parents still. I have one set of grandparents left. I have a TV in my room. I have a spotify subscription that comes with Hulu. I’m surrounded by beautiful scenery every day. Butterflies, trees, gentle wind and good weather. I have plenty to be grateful for and somehow I still dwell on the one thing I don’t have, a partner. 

Give it up. From now on I need to come and type all the reasons why I’m fine the way I am. And how being with someone won’t make anything any better. About how I make myself miserable instead of just accepting my beautiful life for what it is and being okay with it. 

Realistically I know I won’t do that but it’s a nice thought. I can’t wait to go back to school and try half as hard as I’m capable of. I’m ready to ditch the perfectionist tendencies.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #13

Oct 10, 2022

Today is my dog’s birthday. Supposedly. Dog birthdays. 

I feel SLIGHTLY better than yesterday. I wasn’t able to sleep off all of the feelings so for the first half of the day I was dealing with some residue. I drove 40 minutes out of town for a doctor’s appointment that I didn’t have, went to a bookstore, waited 30 minutes for a coffee, and then picked up my son. Good day, I guess. 

I hate feeling how I felt yesterday. Discarded. Forgotten about. I aim to not feel that way again. I know what I did wrong, how I mishandled things, and how I can handle them better in the future. I’m not one for ultimatums but I might have to set a few with myself.

I want to do a tarot reading at some point tonight. I might do one here in a minute. I need to cleanse my space. Be back soon. Muah. 

Well, that was fun. I got very gracefully roasted for being a self-victimizing douche bag. I have been taking the path of least resistance, yet stayed under the illusion there is resistance. I have succumbed to the universe. I went about it all the wrong way. But still ended up on top, and I always will. I have perseverance. I have drive, I just put it into the wrong things. I rarely do something for me. Anything healthy, anyway. 

I think I accidentally drank milk today. I went to Dutch Bros (first time) and I forgot to ask if they have any milk alternatives. 

I have been plagued by boredom recently. Which for me is like torment because I haven’t made my mind a nice place to be. I am learning give and take, rather than just give. I’m too aggressive and intense. Sometimes you have to just wait, you fucking psycho. I mean, you excited little thing. You’re just a bundle of raw energy, aren’t you? A little manifestation of someone’s desire to be recognized. In the body of someone who couldn’t stand another second of eyes on them. Fuck wolves, there are two horses inside me. One is a wild mustang, he has the desire to be free, run wild, make his own way, escape, trek a new path. His trampling yields a footpath to be taken by others, safe passage through previously uncharted territory. He stands valiantly in a field of yellow flowers, missing his companions back at a place he once called home, but finding solace in solitude– he knows there is more out there, and he is determined to find it. The other is a paint, she recognizes the comfort and the stability of the stables, her master is fair and just, and she sees no issue with sacrificing the freedom-loving part of her nature in order to live a life of peace, free from adversity. Life is calm and happy on the farm. Redundant for months out of the year, but occasionally geese migrate on by and pop into her field for a honk or two, or passing cars release waving arms through windows to recognize her beauty for just a second. She looks out through fence posts, wondering what it may be like to be free– but the thought is passing just like the cars she looks for while grazing. 

I’m not yet sure how to unite the horses. One kind of can’t be tamed, and the other wishes for nothing but to be tamed. 

Walking contradiction. 

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #12

I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.

Oh yeah, also its October 9, 2022. 

I’m really sad. I was stood up on a fair date. It’s been planned for a week or more, and just last night we solidified the plans and added some more details. 

I should have known better. A day THAT fun? I could never get one of those. I feel like a fucking idiot. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I try so hard. Maybe that’s what I’m doing wrong? I feel like there's a handbook I missed the memo on. I was absent that day, could we review the material from the last session? I won’t be absent again, I promise. And I keep promises. Don’t worry, I am not like everyone else. 

That’s why no one likes me. That’s why I’m lonely and miserable. Because I would do anything for anyone. Ugly girls like me at 17. 

I feel so stupid I just can’t even think to say anything but that. I have never felt more STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why ?????!!!!! Why must I be this way? Why do I have so much love to give?! No one even wants it. NO ONE EVEN WANTS IT? 

Not until its gone anyway. My parents did it, every boyfriend I ever had did it, my friends, god who even cares. No one reads this shit for a fucking reason, because no one fucking cares. Its not anyones job to care and I just need to accept it. I will never be happy at this rate. I am truly beginning to feel like the universe just wants me to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. I deserve all the bad I bring myself. It’s no one else’s fault. Im just a stupid fucking loser with nothing to gain. I’ll never get what I want Ill never be successful or happy Ill never be satisfied so why even try. IF not for money then what, for love? Its become more than clear that that doesnt exist. I feel like im going to pass out.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #11

Oct 7, 2022

Should I start titling these?

I’m not so sure. I also cannot decide if I actually want people reading this or not. I mean, the option is there was anyone to come across it. 

It's tiring being a hopeless romantic. I need to do more with my life. I don’t know who that is speaking. Which part of me, I mean. I don’t like the color of my nails right now. It’s distracting. 

I am not sure what it takes anymore. I feel pretty lost, dazed and confused but I just keep going. What other option do I have? I’m tired of hiding. Will I ever let myself be myself? 

I was always too much. Too annoying. I can’t even come up with anything else. I don’t possess the bandwidth right now. I don’t know how to be close to other people. 

Not even my own son. I am trying, God am I trying, but it is very hard for me. 

I often call myself a walking contradiction to deal with the feelings of split within me. One part of me wants to give up, secede, and become a hermit completely and entirely and just never try loving anyone ever again. Another part of myself wants to keep trying, maybe there’s something or someone out there who will open my eyes one day. 

But I don’t think I’ll do either. I’ll do both. In doses. Or shifts, maybe?

I don’t know. I won’t say I don’t care because it's glaringly obvious that I do, otherwise I wouldn’t put myself through mental anguish day in and day out looking for a solution. It’s got to be me. There is no other solution. 

I have so much to say I don’t even know where to start. It’s hard to put the face on every day. Like yeah, let me just step into my human skin and be a person for roughly 18 hours, then I can have a break. In my break I have a hard time taking the people skin off after doing so much to get it on.. I have always felt this way. I feel shit because I don’t have anything beautiful or profound to say. I’m kinda just at that point where it doesn’t really matter, I can just do whatever I want and whatever I think is right. And if it turns out then it does and if it doesn’t turn out then it doesn’t. 

I’m sure a month or two ago I would’ve had something cooler to say. But it does not matter because no one reads this anyway. I do not even read it. I just let it fly and then hang it up on the old blog. Its not really that old though, only a few months. 

This is the worst. Feeling this way, I mean. 

I think my biggest issue is 1. Me. 2. I don’t do the things that I know make me feel better and I do not know why. Its like I forget. 

That’s enough listing, I am kind of tired. I do not have the drive at this moment to be all eloquent and mystical and shit. I am not even in a soul searchy mood right now. Which isn’t common for me. 

Very common that I’m soul searchy actually. I joke to myself about how I am pretty much facing religious psychosis at most moments in time. Psychosis might be a harsh word? But for how often I relate things being the work of God or something like it. ‘God’, to me, is more of a concept than a being. It’s like the universe. I’ll have thoughts that something is at play.

But not ‘at play’ like some impending event is going to occur, no rapture or anything like that. That’s why it’s not much like psychosis to me as well, because my mood is just like okay this is just how things are and my brain notices things in this way. Probably due to being exposed to religion at the most moldable ages. 

I have thoughts of higher powers influencing me, my thoughts and surroundings at multiple points throughout the day. every. single. day. 

It doesn’t cause me distress or –well maybe a little. But not a large or even moderate amount. Just sometimes something will happen where I’m like, Uh, Okay. That was weird. And then I’ll fixate on it for a while. In passing thought. I am pretty good at controlling it because of the minor things that happen on the day to day. 

I just said I was done listing things but here we are.

Some of the minor things are, in no particular order : always seeing 3, 6, or 9 birds, repeating numbers or patterns in license plates, seeing a large bird like a hawk-raven-vulture when I am feeling doubtful, noticing a physical sign that contains a word or phrase i am thinking of or that relates to what i was thinking of (like on a business etc), noticing a leaf fall or a butterfly as i am thinking of something that is of significance to me, hearing a very loud vehicle when having a ‘significant’ thought, seeing mail trucks, seeing repeating numbers in the time or on my phone, hearing a knock or hearing the house settle when I am having a ‘significant’ thought. There are definitely more but I have never thought to list them so it’s hard to bring them ALL to mind at once. 

I don’t know maybe that is psychosis but if it is then I’ve been in psychosis for years. 

My brain is weird I wanna get it looked at. I say that all the time though. It takes me forever to do something, especially when it comes to my mental health. I have been invalidated and judged so much for sharing what I have shared that it makes me nervous.I also have this huge tendency to mask in front of anyone and everyone, even therapists, so it’s extremely hard for them to see how much stuff affects me. I have this stony faced persona when talking to another person, especially if its a professional setting, so its hard to really be emotionally open and vulnerable in front of a therapist. That makes me not want to seek help because in the past it has stopped me from getting help. I am too composed and rigid when speaking and I feel it gives the impression that what I am speaking of has not affected me badly. But I would think that professionally trained mental health care providers would know and understand that people process things differently, and for some people that means being able to explain everything with a mug or even a smile on their face. 

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #10

October 1, 2022

The latter half of this year is flying by. I have six days to apply to college. Guess I should look into that. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me. 

Its probably just from suffering with mental illness for so many years. I just feel like I have no one. I really need to just bite the bullet and get a therapist instead of saying I am going to get one. I need to email some and see what they’re about before hopping through a bunch of different therapists. 

I really have been suffering from mental illness since I was like 1—- I actually cannot remember when. I don’t know if it was always mental illness or if I was just always going through alot. That’s another thing, I need to literally make a comprehensive list of all the traumas I’ve been through to bring to a therapist. 

I feel really pathetic recently. But I have just been allowing myself to be. Its weird, I don’t know. I have been trying to stop rejecting myself. 

October 2, 2022

Tomorrow will be the three year anniversary of my arrest. Oh, how so much has happened since then. I have become a better person, kind of?

A sort of better writer. I’m still not great. To be classically trained would be cool. I have a textbook, I guess really nothing is stopping me. I should actually read that between reading Sherlock Holmes. As much as I love Mr. Holmes and dear Dr. Watson, I do feel great envy for their lives and it can almost be equally as depression-propelling as it is depression stunting to read their stories. I so badly want to be a part of that world. I would not make it as an investigator. I would instantly fall under the scrutiny of a few cops with arms tightly banded together. There is power in numbers and I have no numbers, its just me. However, now that I have though about it for more than just a few seconds, I am quite powerful and have gotten myself out of a fair number of situations by wit alone. I say wit alone but I am a conventionally attractive white woman with brown hair and brown eyes, I am nothing special and certainly not a force anyone cares to reckon with. 

I’m glad I started the blog. Even though I am not consistent, I have learned alot about myself and processed quite a lot in the 10 or 12 short entries I have written. There is some absolvation in humiliating myself to my zero blog readers. 

I am still angry that I am human. I have come to terms with it but that doesn’t mean they are good or happy terms. It’s like signing a voluntary employment agreement. You dont want to, but its part of the onboarding process and youve already done the application and given them your social security number so youre like Ah fuck I guess Ill sign this Shit even though I am not into this kind of policy, In know this just means they can fire me for any reason since I am here by my own volition. Sort of like that. 

I am mostly mad at the fact that i want to be loved. Mad is definitely the wrong word. 

I am bathed in melancholy and velvet light. I feel like sitting in the dark. I feel like visiting and talking to the graves of people I do not know, never did know, and never will. I want bubble tea on a day when the weather is really gentle and maritime-esque. I feel like lying on the ground in silence next to another person and just counting their breaths, then counting mine, then their’s again. I want to feel a presence and be felt as a presence. I want to be seen and heard. I don’t want to be a spectacle, rather to be appreciated like art in a museum or a beautiful flower so beautiful that picking it feels like a crime. I want to see water so clear that I see right through it rather than seeing my own reflection. 

I just want to be held and cherished. I want to stop pushing everyone away. I have gotten better at that but not the best. But I Dont Have To Be The Best At Everything. Just pretty good. I can settle on pretty good. 

There are a bunch of small flies in my house and quite honestly it disgusts me. The large flies are one thing but the small flies are a different animal entirely. I guess I should see beauty in it, my house is home to an entire ecosystem, a whole small community of different bugs, rodents, and small creatures. To date I have seen at least 8 butterfly species, 2-3 grasshopper species, one mantid species, leaf footed bugs, assassin bugs,, stink bugs, moths, flies, june bugs and various beetles, moles, groungdogs, fleas, ticks, stray cats, mice, raccoon. List probably furthers, should my thoughts on the matter. 

Being ignored is probably the hardest thing for me which is funny because I do it to others all the time. I have gotten slightly better at accepting phone calls when they come instead of calling back hours to days to weeks later. 

I applied to college today. I just need to get my FAFSA sent over and then I’ll be golden. I am really excited to go back to school and get some practical knowledge about a field of expertise. Satey has always interested me but maybe not enough to where I thought I’d pursue a career in it. My thoughts and ideals surrounding a chosen career have not changed, just been revised. I still do not expect to be completely satisfied with my job but I have accepted that it is a facet of life and I can just choose a job that will allow me to do what I please when I am not at work. I cannot wait to have my own place and my own shit. Almost everything I have in this life has been handed to me and I am ready to earn something. I need something tangible to be proud of. I have fought long enough. Now I am rolling with the punches. 

I am grateful for my father. He has done his best and he still is. I cannot imagine what it was like being him. I can, but not completely since I'm not him. 

My focus has shifted significantly but I still crave romantic love to an unhealthy degree. Acceptance is the first step. Or is it the last step? 

I dont know. Big head scratch. 

I need to see my sister soon. I also need to get my ipad repaired. Theres something up with the battery or something. 

Anyway thats not so important. Im not so sure what is anymore other than becoming financially stable and emotionally stable. I am pretty emotionally stable these days but I have my slips. 

I still have great fears of rejection, thoughts that I may complete all of this work and achieve all of these goals and still feel nothing. At least people will be proud of me or something like that. Is that even important to me? I think but I really dont know. I feel like I need to do something I am proud of, but I dont even know what that is. As a young person I realized I was only doing things because other people wanted me to, and I never really found my niche or what interests me until recently. And even then i have all these thoughts of “is this what I really want” or “am I just doingt this because someone else wants me to”. I dont know what I am awake for. 

Just kidding I am totally lying, I am awake because I can’t understand why people don’t like me and why things dont work out in the way i want or like. I am too much of an idealist. 

People do not exist to meet my expectations. I will spend most of my life dissatisfied. Everyone acts like its so bad to live for others but who the fuck actually lives for themselves? 

I am a hypocrite. I am a walking contradiction. But Whatever. With a capital W.

I am calling it quits. I am not really tired but sleep seems to be the only thing I can manage right now, and that’s okay. Give it a break. 

Who’s keeping score? I am not. No. pOINT.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #9

Its been a while. I have been trying to clear my head. Typing all of my thoughts seemed like a good idea, maybe it’d help me organize them, but no… it did not do that. 

I broke up with B, he has bad news written all over him even though I really love him. Or, do I?

I have thought a lot about that, about if I have really loved these people I have fallen and tried so hard for. Did I really love them? Or did I just love the approval and validation they gave me? 

Its hard to know what real love is when you have never experienced it. Or when you have been experiencing it this whole time and just didn’t know. I have realized that real love sucks. Its extremely taxing and not rewarding. It's an ego game. How good can I feel about myself because I have made others feel better? 

Regardless, its only been about two days and I really miss him. I am sure it will subside with time but it does still suck. Its allowed to suck, just not for too long. No need to dwell on someone that only caused me pain. Well, no, let me stop being ungrateful and minimizing and be honest. 

He taught me more about myself in 3 months than I’d been able to realize through years and years of soul searching. 

He was definitely a lesson. 

I have realized I would love anything so long as it paid attention to me. I am just so sick and tired of being invalidated and minimized. I have been shown so little love that I’ll take it in any form it greets me in. Which is not good. Well, maybe to some. Probably to most. 

Boundaries are the single most important thing in life. Ok thats an overstatement but they are extremely important, and I am not good at them. I don’t yet know how to be truly nice and kind. I am trying my best to be benevolent, and remembering that benevolence sometimes must border on maleficence because sometimes doing the bad is the only way to achieve the good in the long run. 

I have a tendency to not give anything I say any merit. So much so that I just don’t say anything. 

Like with this blog, I started it with high hopes of understanding myself better and loving myself better, and organizing my thoughts. And really all it did was give me another reason to hate myself. No one even looks at this, and the simple fact that someone COULD unsettles me to my core. Yet, I still post. 

I have this relationship with myself where I know I must experience discomfort and do things that the rational me may think are bad ideas. They normally are bad ideas, but sometimes you have to have a couple bad ideas. I always forget that you have to fail first. And it shocks and rocks me every time. I know that things change. Yet I am still shaken by change, to an unhealthy degree.  A mindbending ego shattering degree. 

For a while I believe I was just my shadow. 

I wasnt even really here, and nobody cared that I wasn’t. Is it their responsibility to care? Would I have noticed were it someone else? 

I would like to think that I would have, but theres really no way to be sure. 

I just feel really alone. Like I am the only one of my kind, sometimes. Theres so much I do not understand. Things people do for love. Things people do for hate. 

I had been in excruciating mental pain up until recently. I am beginning to liberate myself from the standards society (and my parents) have set for me. It is just quite difficult when you still live with your father and he is one of your biggest haters. Virgos have this things where they cannot give constructive criticism, theyre just flat out hate on you or make you uncomfortable because something you did made them uncomfortable. Very entitled and angry people. Just like me. 

I have been getting more into Vedic astrology recently vs, western. I find I resonate with the traditional practice a bit more, though there are more facets to it. It's deeper and more complicated but I do not mind a challenge. 

I have been setting some arbitrary goals for material items that I want. Nothing else really matters to me. What the fuck am I going to do with achievements? Nobody is going to praise me for what I deserve anyway. They're going to say good job, I bet you could do even better. How about just a good job. I don't need to be any better. 

What I do need to be is less bitter. Because I am quite a lot of that. 

B made me realize how bitter I am. 

I think a large reason why I am so bitter is because of how intelligent I am. I am able to see all of my shortcomings, especially in comparison to others. And I am able to see others shortcomings, and mine in them, and it makes me not want to be around anyone. If something someone is doing or saying doesn’t align with my values I almost instantaneously devalue them in some way. They’ll lose points in empathy or something. Like if someone says something shitty about animals and how they should be treated or something like that, I am immediately inclined to think they don’t have respect for any life form lower than themselves and thus they have some sort of superiority complex, and don’t respect nature. When it is literally not that deep. Some people just do not understand the concept of animals not being objects because they have no experience with them. And I think that is kinda what its like putting myself out into the world. People don’t know how to deal with me because they have never had to deal with something quite like it before. But its like a bad thing. Not totally bad, because sometimes I can be fun or offer up something good. But the bad parts of me instill so much fear in people that it makes me feel like a freak and an outcast. Thats why I cant share my art, my closest friends and loved ones rarely have anything to say about it because it doesnt fit what they have decided I am.

But who cares, right? NO need to do that. B taught me that good. What I think doesn’t matter, and neither does what you think. 

Funnily enough, that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be heard. I guess some people really do think the world revolves around them (ahem, me). I am not proud of it but it is important that I realize and accept that I live a very me-centric life, while constantly complaining that I dont get enough this or that. I will probably never be satisfied, and thats something i just need to accept. 

It says alot about me, though Im not really sure what. I wont settle and somehow its a bad thing. 

That attitude I have is exactly my problem though. I am a walking contradiction. And I have finally stopped thinking there is anything I can do about it. If I am not your cup of tea I am simply not your cup of tea. 

I dont like plenty of teas. Like peppermint. It seems like itd be so good but its just horrible. Maybe I thought that because my taste buds were all of out whack due to covid and then the long covid), but theres really no way of knowing. I wish people treated me how I treat peppermint tea. I absolutely hated it, spit it out, and immediately poured it down the sink drain after trying it, but I’d still try it again.

I'm just bad at first impressions.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #8

Virtual Diary Entry #8

July 25, 2022

Last night on my way home from B’s house, when I was about 2 minutes from home, I got pulled over for not having my tail lights on. Shoot. 

License and insurance? Sure.

From out of state? Yes, just moved here in March.

Still haven’t switched your license over? No, sir. 

Okay, well I’m gonna go run this and make sure everything is all good. Be right back.

License is suspended ma’am. Fuck.

You get in any trouble while living in [state]? 

Yeah?... Like 3 years ago, and it was expunged from my record….

Must be a ticket I forgot about or something. 

July 26, 2022

Indeed, it was a ticket I forgot about. It’s fine, I’ll handle it. I already made some calls early this afternoon and found out the amounts I need to pay, whether I had any outstanding warrants for my failure to pay (which I did), and see how, when, and to where I can make the payments. 

It's going to be about $325. Steep. Thankfully, my dad is going to pay for it. I’d be in jail were he not around to get me out of this stupid shit I seem to routinely get myself into. 

I think I am done with romance. It’s horrendously tiring and annoying and not fun. It’s just so much work. And I feel that I have never seen rewards for my efforts in love. Mostly due to the fact that I struggle to be consistent. I feel like my inability to remain consistent often results in people believing that I am hot and cold. Or that I have a hidden agenda or some ill feelings inside me that I am just not sharing. And, mostly, they’d be correct. But I understand that the criticisms I make of other people are very harsh and brute, and not at all constructive. In fact, it's deconstructive. Breaking a person down and trying to fix them. And on top of that, I know that I have very intense feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, and I do not need or want to subject people to that ideology all the time. I try to repress the ill feelings I have instead of vocalizing them and it results in me feeling unseen and unheard. However, I am not making the effort to be seen or heard, so I force myself to feel okay about it– people are not mind-readers. Even a dickhead like me can grasp that concept after fiddling with it a bit. I think I am misconstruing my own message. It is not other people that are the problem. It is me, and has always been me. I am not that great at compromise, I am very stubborn and unmoving, inconsistent, sometimes lazy, verbally combative, the list goes on. There is no need to pull myself apart, but some of those things are more than worth mentioning. I am also just annoying, simply put. 

Journaling has been great practice for my typing skills. They’re still not the best, and I need to learn to fully utilize the keyboard space with my hands, and use all of my fingers rather than just the first two fingers and thumb of both hands. But I have been enjoying it. The sound alone is therapeutic. I used to enjoy that about school, getting to hear the teacher click on the keys while typing emails. However, when I took an actual typing class I didn’t actually learn much because I found the proctor insufferable. She probably found me equally as insufferable. I know I do. Anyway, here’s what I would do in that class. Our lessons for the entire week were made available on the Monday of each week. Also, I had collaborated with the talented art teacher at the beginning of the term, and we’d decided that was the class she’d pull me out of. Since art was not available to everyone, there was no scheduled block for art (or even a classroom for a while, my first three years of high school the art room was in a storage closet in the band hall), so those who were in it had to be pulled from a different class to make time for art. Usually an art student would be pulled out of an elective class, or if they had a cool teacher they may be able to spend the last 20 minutes or so of class in the art room. 

Being as I had arranged for this class to be my art block, and the lessons were made available on the first day of the school week every week, I figured I’d simply do all of my lessons on the first and second day (if I didn’t finish the first day), and then spend the rest of the week in art. This flew at first and then the proctor realized what I was doing and started making me stay in class and follow along with the entire class while we learned how to edit powerpoints and type the alphabet. I told her that respectfully I don't think I needed to be in class to follow along every single day, as we had already been typing and editing PPs for roughly four weeks and I had quite a firm grasp on both concepts and wanted to utilize the time in art, and that other teachers let me do something similar whenever I had finished work early. She did not like that; she was not other teachers and I needed to be in class just as much as anyone else. Yes, ma’am!

  Now I don’t know about you, but I am not fucking dim. I can edit a powerpoint, especially if there are clear, outlined, step-by-step instructions listed in a dual window next to the powerpoint being edited. That sucked and it made class drag, but eventually I just started logging in as soon as the bell rang and busting out my lessons, then sitting and being numb and dumb for the rest of the block while I pretended to pay attention. One time she noticed and called me out in front of the entire class, she said something along the line of, “Aidan! I know you think you’re above following along with the rest of us, but if you don’t start engaging in class immediately you will be in the front office before the end of class today”. Something along those lines.:) 

Right back at her I said,” I don’t understand why you are acting like it isn’t okay that I complete my work early, when you already put this weeks assignments that I did early into the gradebook. “ She said, “ Go to art.” For maybe a week we were cool. Then, The guys who sat next to me, one a distant cousin on my mom’s side and the other some dude who’d lost his parents, were always cracking jokes and being quite loud and giddy. At the beginning of my time in the class I did not interact with either of them much, spare my cousin here and there when I was wondering something about computers because he is into computers. Eventually, he and the other guy get moved apart from each other because they’re being too loud and obnoxious (I thought they were quite funny). The computer desk was one long, continuous table along the short wall and long wall of a rectangular classroom, with the table continuing through the corner in a curve. I sat in that curve on the table. She moved one boy on short wall side of the corner, and one boy on long wall side of the corner. Naturally I became involved in their shenanigans, because cousin boy couldn’t reach orphan boys mouse cable to unplug it, so I started unplugging his mouse cable every day, and then he started unplugging mine, so I ratted on cousin, so then we all entered this rivalry of unplugging each others mouse and then eventually graduated to unplugging the keyboard AND mouse. So when the person sat down to start class they’d be like FUCK! Again, one day after like weeks of this shit she just randomly has enough, and she also decides that its me that's the problem. She moved both boys away from me and did not let anyone else sit in those chairs next to me for a little while. So I completely stopped talking in her class, and stopped going to art, and started raising my hand every day and engaging in class, and to dunk on her I made one of the highest scores on the MOS certification test and also a perfect score on her exam. That pissed her off so bad that when I dunked on her again by joining her FBLA club for the remaining three years I was in high school, she pretended not to know my name. People are so weird.  

July 27, I 2022

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much of an oxymoron I am. I am extremely restrictive. But also very fluid. Kind, but also sharp-tongued if I am provoked enough. 

I was provoked enough today. 

This one is going to be more of a vent. I think I’m going to just start writing _____ when referring to people. Also, at this moment I am not sure whether I’ll publish this one, because I am embarrassed. But also there is something so deeply intimate about what I am experiencing. Yet its also not deeply intimate at all. My body confuses it for intimacy, and thus I become uncomfortable, because I know not everything is deep and meaningful and single moments don’t change the world ( except when they  do ) 

But actually I don't think I am going to vent. I don’t really feel like it right now I don’t think, even though I should probably reflect on what happened. I think instead I‘ll do some sort of prompted journalling. I need to work on expressing myself.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #7

Virtual Diary Entry #7

July 24, 2022

I have recently realized that most, if not all of my music taste consists entirely of sad songs about hating yourself, your life, your family, or society, or love songs. That is definitely reflective of my character. 

I tend to be of the assumption that a person’s music taste reflects their character, or some aspect of their personality. People with more mainstream music tastes in genres such as hip-hop, rap, and pop are more likely to easily mingle amongst themselves, versus people with tastes in hardcore and death metal getting along amongst themselves. Make sense? 

I have a point, and a valid one, in there somewhere. I just do not ever award validity to anything I say, I leave the shred of doubt. I have learned over time to keep my opinions to myself. 

 A CBT counselor I was seeing about two years ago once told me that people who like listening to heavy rock music thrive in chaos or are at least used to chaos, so the heavily distorted riffs, dark lyrics, and screaming may ease the mind of someone with a lot of trauma. 

I think I need to be single forever, honestly. I don’t even care about connecting with people anymore. I don’t think so, anyway. It's just been so exhausting realizing how different I am from my peers, and realizing that I have got to put a real effort into being myself if I want to be able to step out into society and have friends and make connections. It’s like everybody has their thing. What is my thing? Besides being a hermit and way too sorry for myself like 99.99999% of the time? 

A couple weeks ago my dad told my son not to feel sorry for himself, that ‘feeling sorry for yourself is one of the worst mistakes a person can make’. While I do find some truth in that statement, sometimes I think we really have suffered and have to accept, realize, and process the suffering with ourselves. I truly feel that feeling sorry for yourself is a key step in healing. 

I’m not talking about self-pity, wallowing in self-hate and feeling sorry for yourself, I mean it in a more graceful way. In a forgiveness way, more than sorrow. But what is so wrong about feeling sorrow for yourself? Sometimes we play little to no part in our own suffering, and thus I feel it is okay to feel sorrow for ourselves, especially if you have no other support but yourself present. Then you must support yourself, feel sorry that it happened to you, forgive yourself and be sorry to yourself for contributing to your own suffering (if you did), and accept the pain and move on. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. It’s feeling sorry for yourself in excess. Like anything else, sorrow is bad in excess. Maybe not bad, is anything intrinsically bad or, or rather is it a lack of goodness?

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #6

Virtual Diary Entry #6 

July 23, 2022 10:26 PM

Is monogamy a scam? Have I been living a lie, thinking that one person could love and devote themselves to me? Is love and devotion even what I seek? Love maybe, minus the devotion. Well, maybe the devotion? I don’t know, is it too much to ask that someone devote themselves to me? 

For them to devote themselves to me, yes I do think it's too much to ask, as I am ever changing and growing and molding myself into something and someone else entirely. To devote themselves to anyone else, they may be granted some security and stability. To devote themselves to me, they’d be devoting themselves to a lifetime of variability and instability and chance.

Look at me, I’m so caught up trying to make excuses for why I don’t deserve love. Really, there’s no concrete answer. 

The bottom line is that I do deserve love, and I try to be accepting of it, but I still have a hard time shaking the feeling that I don’t deserve it. 

Today when I was just arriving at the creek and began walking down the small hill that leads to the creek’s bank, two men stopped and started talking to me and C. C chatted back and they tried to understand his toddler-speak, but I was just trying to get away. Desperately trying to get away. Like they were going to hurt me. But they definitely were not, and I knew that, but I still could not be polite to them.I wanted to be, so badly.  I was trying to speak and barely anything was coming out. And what was coming out was not nearly enough to be heard by human ears. They told us to really try to have a good time, for real, they meant it. I saw the same two guys as I was sitting in my car about to leave. They threw me some big smiles and hand signals, waved, told me to have a good day. They meant it. 

I don’t know why it makes me cry. The kindness of a stranger, I feel like sometimes a person can just tell when someone needs to hear something like that. I’m glad that I came across two of those people today. I needed to hear something like that.  

It sucks to think that there’s more to come. But honestly it’s kind of amazing that I’ll survive it. I don’t want to speak too soon though. I may never tell what the future holds. 

I desire to rebuild my relationship with the universe and their energies. I have been feeling something awaken inside me and have done little to nothing to aid it in its waking. 

Whatever it is, it’s fucking serious this time. I say good, I welcome whatever it is, whatever fire may strike itself inside me. Let it burn out. And let a new brighter me be born from the ashes. 

I am now going to get very high and try to watch tv. We’ll see how it goes. 

 Well I did the smoking part, I’m not so sure the high part happened. Maybe a little? I smoke too much. Anyhow, I am not really interested in watching TV right now, so I am not going to subject myself to it. I think I am going to read Sherlock Holmes instead. That’d be a much better use of my time. Actually, I think I’ll just go to sleep. 

Any closing thoughts, me? Or shall we just leave shit off on the most random note possible, like usual? Yeah probably so. 

I need to be better disciplined with brushing my teeth. I’ve gotten myself disciplined on skincare & body care finally, now onto oral care. Getting/finding a waterpik charger (I misplaced mine) would greatly incentivize me to be more consistent with my oral hygiene. 

Anyway, goodnight.

[kickingupdust]

Virtual Diary Entry #5

Virtual Diary Entry #5 

July 17, 2022

I have never known love to last. 

Here’s where I blame it on astrology. Just kidding. However, I do have an Aries Venus and way too many planets in the 5th house.

I feel that maybe I am experiencing a moment of clarity right now. Though, if I were, I doubt I’d use a word like ‘maybe’ to describe my state of mind, so maybe not.

I feel many things right now that I can’t exactly identify, but I am going to try.

Like an idiot, I guess. Even though I know I am not one in the slightest. I simply allow things to happen to me. Oftentimes, I even encourage these things. I think I do, anyway. As a form of self harm. 

However, I also think as a human being I always have a contribution. In whatever I am present for, whether it be a conversation or anything else. I contribute to my own suffering quite often through the choices I make. I need another adjective to describe how life is other than ‘hard’. 

I need to make it a point to read more so that my writing may become better. It is very disappointing to reread entries and see how frivolous I allow my thoughts to be. Genuinely, I need more control over my own brain. And humans are amazing in the way that they can be conditioned. 

It is going to be very difficult to condition myself again but I have done it before and seen it begin to work. I have just never been consistent enough to where it would reflect in my behavior or mindset long term. 

July 18, 2022 10:12

God why does this always happen. Guys are so good at not being assholes for like two months, that’s about the max. Then once you’re dating and you call them out on their BS they’ll get it together for 3 months max. I’m hoping that this is just part of this week, and he catches on after small incidents such as these two, I seriously do not tolerate unkindness. I’m not going to detail what happened as it was mostly insignificant. However, both small incidents made me go Not CoolTM   (You could have said that a different way!!!!!!!!!!!) 

It's hilarious how I allow myself to be unkind and allow some unkindness around me, but not all. I find it hypocritical. I would like for there to be as little of it as possible, and from here on it I am going to make a point of it. I need to be patient. There are people I need to be thinking of and emulating right now. All my role models are dead but who cares?

I can still think of them, emulate them, and try to make them proud of who I become even though they aren’t here to experience it with me. It does suck but I need to grow up in that regard. People die. I know they do but still, isn’t it odd how sometimes it feels like they’re still around, maybe just took a really long trip to see family, or went off to college. They’ll be back. 

It's funny how the brain does that. Makes you feel like someone is still around. Like when a certain song comes on when you first turn on your car, and you tell yourself that it was them that made the radio play that song first.

Maybe that’s just a me thing. I do not know. Who does. 

I am really mentally exhausted lately, hence why I have not been journaling. When I am feeling especially burnt out, I try to take breaks from things that may be too mentally stimulating, like journaling. Journaling is more of a self-discovery and venting tool for me. When I’m tired, sitting down and recalling recent events and/or dedicating time to introspection can oftentimes just tire me more. So I try to avoid it. Especially when I am feeling really really bad, because spewing all that negativity does not make me feel any better. 

 I should try writing prompts, or drawing when I feel myself getting overwhelmed. 

July 23, 2022 

Okay cool, learned a new function. Clear text formatting. It’s odd how I lose and regain muscle memory so quickly. And even weirder how it depends on my level of focus and effort. I can turn it on or off almost instantly. Just makes me feel crazy when I do, and if I do it too often it becomes draining. 

I am beginning to realize just how hypocritical a lot of people are, myself included, and how it is acceptable so long as you are ready and willing to defend yourself. You can be totally wrong, but if you’re confident, you’re right. People tell you what to feel and think, and then turn around and say that you aren’t supposed to do that to people. We all do it. It's weird and gross. I’ve started adopting silence. Sitting back, engaging in silence, and simply, solely observing has been teaching me quite a lot. It has been both good and bad for me, as it has confirmed a lot of my suspicions about the human population as a whole. It’s a good thing my suspicions be confirmed so that I may be closer to living in truth, but bad because my suspicions aren’t reflective of a society I would enjoy being a part of.

I really wish I had the time and energy to put into a creative art or something that actually yielded a concrete or physical result. I do absolutely have the time. I just don’t want to put it into those things because then I feel guilty. For spending too much time on myself, with myself? By myself? I really do not know nor do I have the time to care about that shit anymore. I haven’t wanted to create anything for monetary gain because I felt it would make my creations inauthentic somehow, if I wasn’t creating solely to create or produce and instead was doing it for gain. Something about it just doesn’t bode well with me but literally everyone sells their craft. How else are you supposed to make a living? 

I need to get something off the ground, and quick. I have plenty of talents and capabilities, I am just a lazy sack of shit sometimes. I just absolutely can and will not produce and monetize something I wouldn’t pay for myself. And I am a stingy bastard. So. I’m actually lying, I’m not stingy at all. I just don’t want to let anyone down. 

Anyway, dear imaginary audience, please grace me with ideas. I may just start some kind of work from home job and hate my life for a few months while I make some money. That sounds like a good idea. I’m just horrible at customer service and don’t really have any tech related skills that could be useful at all so…. Maybe I can’t work from home…. We’ll see, though. I’m tired of being broke.