lo-vena - Tumblr blog

[lo-vena]

Have you ever lived with someone so happily then suddenly, it becomes "one must leave for both of us to live"?

From "I can't live without you" to "I can't live with you".

-vena

[lo-vena]

What Life is Like

And you could just be living one of the lazy afternoons in your life,

maybe having a nice little chitchat with someone,

or casually scrolling on your feed— wondering what else you could do.

Maybe trying a new dish, a new hobby, or simply doing a repeated one.

Then suddenly,

Life unfolds unexpectedly.

In a snap, your lazy afternoons become heated with argument,

a little chitchat suddenly have crying and blaming,

the casual scroll will reveal you some truths— or offer some realizations you never wanted to have.

Maybe it was pent-up grudge, peaked rage, or just another unsolved misunderstanding.

Or maybe— things would suddenly turn sweet and loving and peaceful.

It's just sometimes scary how you could be living your everyday and a single thing will change the trajectory of your life.

It's uncertainty within uncertainty.

-vena

[lo-vena]

Shape-shifter

and when the sun sets,

the orange horizon seen across the sky,

the world crumbles down,

succumbing to the darkness of night,

we, too, shape shifts,

we, humans, also howl when moonlight shines,

the fixed smile we practiced during the day,

the planned positivity throughout the day,

they all switched off at night, at home, when we're finally alone.

we find comfort with endings,

we find solace with darkness,

we shifts into our unknown self,

and we howl, crying our hearts to sleep.

our brave surface also ends, it also sets.

-vena

[lo-vena]

It was a great love, indeed

I used to despise the world— our fate, the destiny— our love.

I kept wondering how can alove so great not hold on?

A love so great for the world to hold — as I said before.

It was a love — immensely chaotic and risky, yet, so bloomed and joyous.

It was the love that can never give you peace - but can make you feel at peace.

A love in the most complicated form.

How can a world this big— with tremendous number of people— cannot let this love stay?

How can this universe not let this love happen in this lifetime?

I used to believe that it was the greatest form of love.

And maybe I was right - but not entirely right.

It was a great love— it was intense, extreme, and everything in between.

But it wasn't great for you, or me, or for the world of us.

It was a great love— only in its true form, only when it's just love.

And with us? It wasn't great at all. It was everything but great.

Yet,I'm still thankful I got a taste of that love with you.

Above all, I'm more thankful that the great love we had didn't stay with us.

I now know. I now forgive that... that love wasn't meant for us to hold.

And the world knew way before we realized.

Still, thank you for the love.

But more than that, thank you for not ending up with me.

Thank you for not taking the risk I always thought we need.

-vena

[lo-vena]

All the moments you rained on my parade,

I decided to soak in it with you.

All the times you spilled the tea, and it stained,

I decided to create an art for you.

All the times you shut me off and ran away,

I decided to stay still and wait for you.

All the times you hated the things I do,

I chose to stay in love with you.

So what went wrong?

Did I loved you too much?

Or you did not love me enough?

If it's neither, then maybe...

It wasn't my love that you need to heal.

Maybe, you need a love that can encourage you to enjoy the parade.

A love that will teach you how to clean the stain.

A love that doesn't only wait, instead, a love that can also make you stay.

A love that doesn't only hate and disagrees, instead, a love that embraces uncertainty.

A love that grows and explores— more than the love of familiarity.

-vena

[lo-vena]

To live is to learn — and unlearn repeatedly.

Regardless of what could it be, learn and unlearn life. This is your reset — a never-ending restart.

-vena

[lo-vena]

Being nonchalant is not the same as neglectful. Always remember that.

-vena

[lo-vena]

My heart hurts.

And it's the good kind of hurt.

It's just funny how before, we were hugging endlessly,

But now, we don't even look at each other's eyes.

It feels both strange and comfortable to say good morning casually,

When before, it was the first thing we do when we open our eyes.

It feels both "me" and "not me" to show you my casual smile,

When before, it was so sweet — I could close my eyes.

It's funny how we were never together,

but at some point,

it was only the two of us that mattered.

-vena

[lo-vena]

And they say, hate is part of healing.

Loneliness is part of healing.

Being alone is part of healing.

What if, that's all left to me?

What if, I am all but healed?

How do people feel when they are healed?

-vena

[lo-vena]

I once asked my friend, how can she tolerate me? What makes her stay by my side regardless of how "intense" and "too much" I get? Just.... why does she still choose to stay and embrace me when leaving is so much easier?

But she told me that it's not like that. It doesn't work that way.

She's not just tolerating me. She's not forcing herself to stay. She doesn't see me as a responsibility. She said that loving me has never been hard and it always feel natural. There's no "I have to" or "I must," rather, they are "I want to" and "I love to."

And I've never felt so loved like that before.

I didn't know that's how it feels to be loved properly without having to ask. I didn't know that's how it feels to be loved willingly.

-vena

[lo-vena]

I once read that life is made up of the things that we do and don't do.

So overcome your fears and unlearn habits and beliefs that doesn't suit you anymore— even if they feel like "a very me thing to do."

You don't always have to keep that version of you.

People change anyway— so might as well be in charge of that change.

-vena

[lo-vena]

This sounds cliche and a bit overused but it's nothing but the truth.

If he wanted to, he would.

People are not stupid. Sure, sometimes they are lost and do stupid things but they know. They know that they did something stupid. They know that they are lost.

So if you're questioning someone's intentions and feelings for you, bravely ask them once to be clear and if their answers were foggy and going in all directions at once, then leave them be.

Sometimes, people don't know what they want, but they know what they don't want.

And if people treat you as someone in the middle of what they want or don't want, then leave. Spare yourself. Save yourself from that.

Because people may think they want just because you do not fit into the description of what they don't want— but it doesn't mean that you fit on to what they want.

So, if he wanted to, he would. If he wanted you, it would naturally show. And this applies to everyone.

-vena

[lo-vena]

Thank you everyone who got me to 50 reblogs!

[lo-vena]

Pray tell, do you already yearn for my presence and wish upon the star that I will stay on your side for as long as the universe allow?

I am dreading to know.

Are you in tears or does your heart clenches with my absence? Do you abhor the situation you are in for I am not with you?

Or... do you find joy and cheer for the freedom you obtained when you are finally free of my love?

Perhaps, it is better not to know. As I can see, you always act on what you desire, and I have never seen you try to be close to me since the day I have been gone.

-vena

[lo-vena]

I want to check if you've finally notice my absence. And if you do, do you wonder what happened?

Are you worried of my state?

I want to know if you also think about me the same way I always do. And if you do, do you also miss me?

Are you longing for me?

So I badly want to go back— to look back at the very least, and just accept this reality.

But I also know that the only way to never feel this down again is to never let you make me feel down for the countless time again.

-vena

[lo-vena]

Pay attention to people's words. "I will" was never the same with "I can."

Some people can do all things and still not bulge just because they decided not to.

-vena

[lo-vena]

And when all the familiarity is gone, all what's left are the hazy memories we try so hard to relive.

As we do slowly forget how it felt, all we know was the fact that we were happy, lonely, and everything in between.

-vena