lunarshadowfae

[lunarshadowfae]

My friend is pregnant with the baby of a man who hates her.

I’ve known this girl (let’s call her Cassie) for 8 years and I’ve known this man (let’s call him Mike) even longer. Mike and Cassie have a rough history together. They first dated 7 or 8 years ago for a short period of time (less than a year) and ended things very badly from what I know. Cassie’s (best)friend and my sister in law (let’s call her Paula) has privately told me that she thinks Mike a narcissist, from what Cassie had told her about their relationship. Fast forward to last year they started dating again and they have been together for a year now.

I have gotten to know Mike very well as he is my Fiancés childhood best friend. A group of us play video games together almost every weekend for the past few years. We also spend time with both of them at least a few times a year. Cassie on the other hand, I do not know as well but we have spent many occasions together in book club, friendsgiving, game nights, ect.

My husband and I have heard Mike say a lot of terrible things about Cassie in discord. We decided to stay out of it because it is truly none of our business. My husband and I both agree it is not right to tell anyone our personal business regarding our relationship. We wish Mike and Cassie agreed, but they love to gossip.

Mike has been complaining about Cassie since the beginning of their relationship last year. He would say things like “I’m not going to date her” “I’m just using her for sex” objectifying her, degrading her. After telling Paula what we heard him say, she agreed that they should not be together and they are toxic. She called him a narcissist, and we jokingly agreed. Paula told Cassie about this, and Cassie insisted he loved her and treated her right, and these remarks were just jokes.

But it kept getting worse, they started fighting a lot, Mike would say awful things and I would bite my tongue thinking I was being too sensitive and I would just start more drama if I said anything out of line. She would have to beg him to spend time with her, otherwise he would be playing video games constantly. Or doing something to ignore her, they would fight everyday about this and Mike would NOT mute his mic. We would have to move him into an AFK channel to stop us from unwillingly eavesdropping into their conversations.

I hated the way he would speak to her, if my husband ever spoke to me that way I would be so miserable and depressed so I felt really bad for her and I was sad for her. Mikes friends would egg him on to say awful things to her. If you could hear her voice through his mic, they would say “tell her to shut the fuck up” and someone else would say “yeah seriously dumb bitch”. The situation has gotten increasingly worse for months and my cowardly ass finally said something.

Mike and Cassie were fighting last night because Cassie wanted to spend time with him and he was ignoring her for a video game. Mike started gaslighting her and saying awful things to her being really mean and hurtful. She asked him if he was moving their game table to the dining room and he said “yeah either in there or in here (office/gaming room) I don’t want to be anywhere near you”. She said “why are you so mean?” And he said “how am I mean? I’m joking.” It didn’t help that he was also being egged on by his friends, they were laughing at these deplorable “jokes”.

After the interaction was over I said, “Awkward… I’m glad (my husband) mutes when we fight.” And then I got off. I’m really disgusted with Mike as he has become someone I don’t even know anymore. I feel awful that Cassie has to endure a man like this.

Cassie told us all a month ago that she was pregnant. I was shocked but ultimately I was supportive and happy for her as she was ecstatic! I was worried because my husband and I knew how toxic the relationship was and how disrespectful he was to her. I want the best for both of them because I love them and care about them but things are just out of control and they are lacking some serious self awareness. They are not in any place to be having a kid. Mike has said on many occasions that he does not want kids, and he would never marry Cassie or any woman. He has said things like “I should have pulled out” and “I fucked up” multiple times.

I feel like I’m watching my friend’s life fall apart in front of my eyes and it’s really sad and hard to watch. I know that friend groups break up and people go on their own paths but this is just sickening to watch. Having a kid myself I understand just how tough it is on a relationship to have a baby. Let alone the massive responsibility having a baby is and the sacrifices you have to make for a child. You have to surrender yourself for a new person and if you don’t, poor kid. It’s just too much to deal with so I’m sending it into the world. If you have read this far.. let’s be friends?

Signing out, Lu

[lunarshadowfae]

Today marks 3 years I’ve been a mother. Today more than ever I feel unworthy to be loved like this by a child. I walk the steps of uncertainty with her by my side, tip toeing through the mess I’ve made. Guilt fills my soul and sucks the life out of me. I’ve never been good enough to be a mom. She deserves so much better.

[lunarshadowfae]

I’m rewatching pretty little liars as an adult and find myself comparing my body to the girls in the show. I have always hated my body but I never did that as a teen.

[lunarshadowfae]

I want to write songs like frank ocean

I want to go garage sales with my grandma

I want to start over

[lunarshadowfae]

Personal journal entry 1: I’ve been a victim. My life has consisted of failure after failure. I’ve lost all semblance of myself in motherhood. It feels pathetic. My relationship with my partner is disappointing to say the least. I love him dearly and deeply. I cherish him I am grateful eternally for his constant forgiveness and patience with me and my laundry list of flaws. But I do not feel loved by him, or appreciated at all. He doesn’t notice anything about me. I’ve never had a friend group or close friend that I truly connected with. My partner is the only person I’ve ever been close with, and he’s loved me but I feel so unfulfilled. I have never been more than who I am which is a disappointment to myself and my family. I’ve victimized myself for a long time, it’s been the only way I’ve been able to cope with my childhood abuse. I’ve been so unable to do anything to better myself. I’ve been so depressed for so long and I have so little motivation or energy to do anything with my life. Every last effort goes into caring for my daughter. I feel deep distain for who I am. I want to do so many things I want to be capable of going after my goals but I just don’t. I feel so incapable. There’s this pain and pressure in my stomach/chest anytime I try to have discipline and it feels so exhausting to do small things. I constantly have terrible anxiety but it manifests in anger and rage. I am deeply afraid that my self hatred will manifest into me becoming a narcissist, only thinking of myself because I hate myself so much. I recently read this book called The Mastery Of Love and in that book there’s a quote that says “no one wants to be around a big victim all the time” those words have stuck to me like glue for weeks and I think that all the time. “No one wants to be around you”. I see myself as a victim to all my flaws and mistakes. Always making excuses for myself as to why I can’t do things, why I can’t have discipline. I know I have adhd, I’ve had it my whole life and can’t get medication because I do not have insurance. (Is this just another excuse)? Every time I try to rationalize anything I find myself hating myself for making excuses. Does anyone else feel this way?

[lunarshadowfae]

Hi there reader, I’m Lu. Welcome to my page. I’ve decided to use this platform to write my thoughts. It may be a good outlet for me considering I don’t have insurance for afford a therapist whom I can yap to for hours. Anyways I am going to write stuff hope you can relate or something.