lunaslogs

[lunaslogs]

“Watch it burn. Let it die cause we are finally free tonight” - Boys Like Girls, “The Great Escape”

[lunaslogs]

Classy Crashout (TW: possible body dysmorphia)

Back at it again, y’all. I don’t know but lately, people irritate me. I think it’s a me thing. It’s all been people I love and hold very near and dear to my heart. But I’m not sure if this one is valid or not and no, I’m not looking for validation on the internet. This is basically my diary so don’t go giving me any advice.

I’ve spent a lot of time with this friend. We clicked instantly and became really close within a short period of time. We spent majority of this past spring semester together and she really is a wonderful, beautiful person. The definition of a ray of sunshine. But for a while, she’s been feeling like she’s been getting bigger and feels chunky.

I’m not gonna diminish anyone’s feelings because who the hell am I to tell you what to feel? But coño, bro. In mainstream stores like H&M and Windsor, she can find whatever clothes she needs (and fits) in a SMALL! At most, maybe a medium but even that’s too big a size sometimes. You wanna know what size I am to those mainstream stores? EXTRA LARGE! I’m midsize, I’ve got a little bit of chunk in my thighs and my stomach.

Idk, it’s just frustrating to see my friend so upset about this when she had sent be an OOTD today and this girl… has a literal thigh gap… and thinks she’s- UGH! MY THIGHS ARE THE REASON WHY I CAN JUST BARELY FIT INTO MAJORITY OF MY JEANS! Meanwhile, she can slip into just about anything pretty fine.

She gets compliments all the time about her unique style, her long legs, her height. She can probably touch her middle finger and her thumb with her hand wrapped around her ankle (she has bigger hands than me, don’t worry.) But god forbid you get a LITTLE BIT of body fat (which you are naturally supposed to have, especially in your lower stomach because that’s literally where your organs are.)

It’s just frustrating. I know everybody has their insecurities and everyone is allowed to feel and think the things they do. But fuck, you think you look a certain way while you literally get hit on by guys at bars, telling you they like your legs. How much convincing does it really take?

This is Luna, Logging Off To Contemplate The Meaning of Life (in an intellectual way, not the sooeysidil way)

[lunaslogs]

Wrong When It's Me - A Poem By Luna's Logs

He can scream and shout until he coughs up a lung and no one seems to hear a thing. It's as if he's behind soundproof glass and everyone carries on like it's a normal Tuesday. Why is it wrong when it's me who's screaming and shouting? Suddenly, everyone's hearing is heightened. Dogs are barking and I'm told to quiet down.

She makes a silly joke and everyone thinks it's hilarious. People are laughing so hard that their faces turn red and they're wheezing until there's no air left. It's one that others mention when something reminds them of it. Why is it wrong when it's me telling the joke? Suddenly, I'm corny and cringe. No one wants to hear what I have to say and they turn to their own conversations, leaving me out completely. So I listen in the background and quiet down.

He wears a tank top and basketball shorts and it's cozy. It's comfy. It's a safe fashion choice for a day meant to be spent with nice weather in the backyard. Why is it wrong when it's me who's wearing the tank top and basketball shorts? Suddenly, my mother says I look like a word against lesbians that I have no claim in saying. I don't look "lady-like" because I don't feel like wearing a sundress for a group of people who have all wiped my ass as a baby. I don't need to impress them. But arguing is too much work, too much energy so I quiet down.

It's different when it's me. It's different when I do it. It's different when I say it. It means something else. Something more. Why can't my words and my actions just be taken as it is? Why can't I be taken as I am?

[lunaslogs]

I washed my body, washed my hair, did my curl routine, lotioned my face and body, and now I'm getting cookies delivered from the local bakery. The world isn't ready for my comeback.

[lunaslogs]

I want to throw her off the roof of a building. I wanna watch her arms flail in an attempt to grab something, anything to keep her from falling and failing horrendously. I wanna watch her body splat on the concrete like a meat patty on a grill. I want everyone to watch but not care. They’ll hear her bones crack but keep walking like it’s just an average Tuesday during rush hour. She deserves no sympathy from me or anybody.

This is Luna, Logging Off.

[lunaslogs]

I Love My Roommate But She's Insufferable. (Angry Vent)

I FUCKING HATE IT! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT! SHE'S FUCKING CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S ONE "BAD GRADE" AWAY FROM NOT BEING IN THE HONORS PROGRAM! NO OFFENSE BUT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! I HAVE BEEN SCRAMBLING ALL SEMESTER, TRYING TO FIND MOTIVATION TO EVEN TRY AND REACH FOR A FUCKING A+! AND THAT'S ALL SHE GETS! A'S A+'S ARE SO FAMILIAR TO HER! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I WOULD KILL TO GET AN A?!

SO BOO FUCKING HOO, YOU WOULDN'T BE AN HONORS KID ANYMORE! WELCOME TO LIFE FOR THE REST OF US AVERAGE, NOT-SO-SPECIAL, BURNT OUT PEOPLE!

FOR FUCK SAKE, SHE'S NOT EVEN ON SCHOLARSHIP FOR IT! SHE WOULDN'T BE LOSING ANYTHING! AND HER PARENTS ARE SO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'LL DISOWN HER IF SHE GOT A C FOR ONCE IN HER GODDAMN LIFE!

ALL THOSE A'S AND GOOD GRADES, ALL THOSE STUPID REPORTS WON'T FUCKING MATTER IN THREE YEARS ANYWAY! BECAUSE THE WORLD FUCKING SUCKS! YOU DON'T GET AN A+ FOR DOING THE JOB YOU WERE HIRED TO DO! YOU DON'T GET A GOLD STICKER AND A PAT ON THE BACK FOR DOING THE BARE MOTHERFUCKING MINIMUM! SHE THINKS THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO CRASH DOWN IF SHE BECOMES AVERAGE! IF SHE ISN'T "The Golden Kid" OR IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT!

I HAVE LISTENED AND CONSOLED THE ABSOLUTE HELL OUT OF THIS GIRL FOR TWO SEMESTERS, WATCHING AS SHE CRIED AND LASHED OUT BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET ANYTHING LOWER THAN A B WHILE I HAVE SPENT COUNTLESS ALL-NIGHTERS IN MY ROOM AND IN THE LOUNGE STUDYING MY ASS OFF TO GET AT MOST A C+!

SURE, MAYBE I SOUND LIKE A BITCH OR A BAD ROOMMATE OR EVEN MORE, A BAD FRIEND! BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF HER PERFECTIONISM AND THE CONSTANT NEED TO FEEL LIKE SHE'S SPECIAL! LIKE SHE'S WORTH SOMETHING! SHE IS WORTH SOMETHING! BUT DOES SHE REALLY NEED SOME STUCK UP, EXCLUSIVE SYSTEM THAT DOESN'T GIVE A QUALITY REWARD AT ALL TO TELL HER THAT?! TRYING TO STAY IN THE HONORS PROGRAM HAS QUITE LITERALLY SUCKED THE EVER LIVING SOUL OUT OF THIS GIRL! AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL SHE'LL BE GETTING IS A CUTE LITTLE CERTIFICATE AND MAYBE A LITTLE SOMETHING EXTRA TO WEAR WITH HER CAP AND GOWN AT GRADUATION 3 YEARS FROM NOW!

AT THE END OF ALL OF THIS, SHE'LL STILL BE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US! AVERAGE! NOT SPECIAL!

She is a good friend. She's the type to give and give and give and not expect anything back other than for the people she loves to do the same for her. Even when they don't, she'll still give all she has. But maybe I'm happy we aren't dorming together next year.

[lunaslogs]

"The More You Give, The More You Get" A Rant By Luna's Logs

I've been taking a leadership class the entirety of my spring semester and for our final project, we're all working in groups (which I genuinely cannot stand.) My professor asked "we have 5 groups here, who's going to be the leader in each group? Someone has to step up and while it might be more work, it's very rewarding. The more you give the more you get" and I personally find that to be the most bullshit statement I've ever heard.

You could give and give and give until you literally collapse and have nothing left to give and still receive absolutely nothing back. It's possible. It's happened. Numerous times. Whether that's been in my own personal life or things I've observed around me. A few weeks ago, a guest speaker came in and asked everybody "what's preventing you from stepping up?" I could have killed the mood and gave my very honest, grim thoughts about it. But I didn't and instead, chose to let others speak their thoughts.

My answer was definitely based on my own personal experience, which is not a very bright one. Constantly giving your everything when shit hits the fan, trying to give everyone else the confidence that things are going to be okay is the most draining thing you could do. But being a "leader" would mean that while you take on more of the work, you still have a team of people behind you supporting you through everything.

I don't step up because I refuse to keep giving 100% when my supposed "team" won't do the same for me. I refuse to get my kindness taken advantage of for weakness again. Sure, maybe it's a little selfish but I think I deserve to be a little selfish for once in my life.

I'm so tired. I've been tired for a while. I just want to go home. I want to finish these next 2 weeks so I can stop stressing and worrying and giving. I'm tired of being tired.

[lunaslogs]

Me because finals are kicking me so hard, I'm about to start making weapons powered by magic crystals and shoot up my freaking school

Screenshot from @arcane-aesthetics

[lunaslogs]

If Jinx/Powder and Vi were a song, they'd be "Mirror" by Lil Wayne and Bruno Mars

I HAVE THE AMV/EDIT PICTURED SO PERFECTLY IN MY HEAD, SHOULD I EDIT IT?! CHAT, SHOULD I DO IT?!

This is Luna, logging off!

[lunaslogs]

Coping - Brain Rant By Luna’s Logs

Why should I have to be the one to speak up and say something when I’m not the one who walked away?

Days spent going back and forth, hoping my mind and my heart can come to some sort of agreement and becoming disappointed when they can’t.

How did we become a “Will they? Won’t they?”

Why did life have to drive us apart? Was this out of our control? Was it written in the cards and decided for us?

How can a rose so pretty manage to prick me so hard with a thorn? Why can’t I tear it out of me?

Splinters in my fingers are nothing, eyelashes in my eyes don’t even compare to the thorn you left in my heart.

I have never wanted to speak so much in my life and the one time I do… I have nothing to say. Not to you, not about us, not about how much I still love and miss you despite you only being one text away.

But I can’t. Not like this. Not when I’m too far down the road of forgetting. Turning back now would be a waste. It would be too painful.

So I’ll keep thinking. I’ll keep talking to the wall in hopes you’ll hear my yearning thoughts. I’ll keep living my life like normal, knowing deep down I still go to sleep every night hoping that you’ll miraculously tell me the words I’ve been wanting to hear since early this month.

I can’t look at roses anymore. Not because they’re not pretty…

But because you’ll always be that to me.

[lunaslogs]

mine

Change a single letter and change the word game

I want to play a game with you all.

You have to make a new word by changing only one letter of the last word.

Dirt

[lunaslogs]

My wife, everybody.

Abigail Anderson.

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Blonde Viktor... Save me Blonde Viktor...

[lunaslogs]

"When you start as friends, it's hard to say you're never going back. If I'm not the one, then I'm the best mistake you ever had." - Big Sean

[lunaslogs]

Kingdom - A Literary Essay by Luna's Logs

You sit there on a throne, wearing a crown coated in the blood of the person you used to be.

Watching your younger self weep and beg for you not to stab them straight through the stomach was not something you thought you'd have to see.

Listening to the cries for help from a voice that used to be yours, constantly reminding you of everyone who had left you in the dust when you were a diamond waiting to shine in the light.

Does the fur on your royal cape feel soft? Warm? Surely it doesn't remind you of the hoodie you used to drag with you everywhere you went. The one with the holes in the sleeves. You didn't care if the cold draft flowed through them, it was too good to let go...

Much like the innocence you tried so hard to keep. You still see it in your reflection, don't you? In every mirror, in every window, in every reflective surface where you can see yourself, you look like a ghost. A ghost stuck in a shell of somebody you were never meant to be.

You still see the frozen face of fear you tried so hard to erase. You can hear the yells of people telling you everything you've ever done wrong. You can taste the blood in your mouth and it wasn't just from loosing a baby tooth.

Does that throne feel comfy? Does the velvet make you feel powerful? Like you mean something now? Your stuffed animal used to feel comfy too. You'd hug it every night in your sleep as if your life depended on it. You didn't care that it was missing an eye. You loved it because it was different, wishing that people would treat you the same way.

Does the gold you wear on your neck and wrist change the soul that clings to your heart? But that gold pendant you threw away, that last little bit of your old self, you still see it every time you put those chains on.

You can drink all the wine you want out of those chalets but it won't drown your spirit. Does it taste bitter? Is it as bitter as the smell of cigars your father used to smoke to forget you?

So, put on your crown. Tie your cape around your neck. Put on that jewelry. Wear those shoes and face your kingdom the same way you faced the person you killed the day you changed.

Every kingdom needs a ruler. But the moment that ruler forgets who they are ruling, what they rule for...

They fall and the kingdom with it.

[lunaslogs]

Something something lesbians with metal arms blah blah blah

[lunaslogs]

Disappearing - A Poem By Luna's Logs

Disappearing like a ghost wherever I go as if I didn't exist, my name is one no one will know.

I feel myself fading from everyone's minds, blending in the background like I'm trying to hide.

Too afraid to be forgotten but too scared to be bold; but being unforgettable means taking risks I'm told.

I wanna speak up but I'm choking on words while I hear people sing songs like mockingbirds.

A little girl had hopes of being someone someday but here I am, letting the wind carry me away.

I'm just a statistic, a brief moment in time. My actions can't be deciphered, I feel like a mime. At least mimes have purpose, their movements tell a story. Who'd ever wanna hear about a girl who chases intangible glory?

It's more like comedy, only more cathartic. But from a first person perspective, it all feels too chaotic.

Too much at once, I can't shut it down. So, I run away in hopes that I'll never be found.

I'll disappear today, tomorrow, and forever. If I'm gone long enough, maybe the ties that bind me will finally sever.