I got to the point where this doesn't even come close to how I feel. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if I wasn't scared of death and what comes next I don't want to go to a worse place it is so bad living like this but eternal damnation would be so much worse.
I divorced my wife I can't see my kids I don't have a single friend in my life because I pushed them all away and my family don't understand or believe that depression is real. I cry so much and so hard in my bed that my heart feels like it's going to stop from the pain. I tried to find someone and I thought I did but again I pushed her away by shutting myself off.