melaniemurphymyer - Tumblr blog

[melaniemurphymyer]

🇺🇸 🎆 Today Ryan and I got ice cream at Greco's and walked around Lititz Springs Park, where normally people would have come from miles around for the long-running Fourth of July celebration, which was canceled this year due to Covid. As we walked past the bandstand, we saw that the traditional Queen of Candles ceremony was taking place, greatly subdued, with only the families of the participating high school girls allowed in the audience, wearing masks. As I saw the girls standing on stage in their gowns, each with a candle glowing in her hands, I suddenly started to cry. I wondered why I was so emotional; at first, I couldn't understand my reaction. It was a swirl of feelings. I felt the positive feelings of nostalgia - memories of all the years our family joined the crowds in celebration, since the time my children were very young. I felt the pain of loss - the closing up of our country, our world, our celebrations, our connections, because of a terrible pandemic that has cost many lives and livelihoods. I felt the pangs of grief - my family's personal losses of a broken home and the passing of our beloved Caety, who loved the Fourth of July with its music, dancing, food, fun, crowds, community, and fireworks. I choked back my tears and ate my ice cream (cherry cheesecake!). As we headed back toward Ryan's car parked at Greco's, the Queen of Candles and her court walked past the pond, with their small crowd of families following. I quickly took a picture to capture this moment of loss and grief mingled with nostalgia and celebration. 💕💙💕 #lititzpa #grecosicecream #nostalgia #queenofcandles #4thofjuly2020 #covid19 #grief #loss #family #celebration (at Lititz Springs Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCPNaE7J8Dp2katNtTuMwaCEkJe5lOWUP61hJM0/?igshid=qv0box8h2c4r

[melaniemurphymyer]

My son Ryan took me to Pretzel Hut for Mother's Day yesterday. He knew I wanted to see their new baby goats. 🐐🐐 They are adorable! We also ate yummy food and ice cream. 🌯🍔🍦 . #goats #babygoats #adorable #goatsofinstagram #pettingzoo #babyanimals #pretzelhut #lancastercounty #nature #mothersday #son #motherson #familylove #familyfun (at The Pretzel Hut)

[melaniemurphymyer]

Beauty blooms in unexpected places. 🌸 . #beauty #flowers #flowerstagram #doorsofinstagram #door #doors #beautyblooms #unexpected #outsidethebox #inspiration #surprise #joy #hope #mademesmile #nature #naturephotography #lifelessons #littlethings #gratitude

[melaniemurphymyer]

Cut some fresh lilacs from the backyard; now ready to work on editing my book. Or am I? Mentally, maybe; emotionally, probably not. . #lilacs #lilacseason #writing #writersofinstagram #amwriting #amediting #familyphotos #familylove #flowers #flowerstagram #grief #grieving #grievingmother #childloss #cysticfibrosis #cysticfibrosisawareness #memorialcandle #memoir #editing #writingcommunity #emotions #Caety

[melaniemurphymyer]

Tiny violets growing all through the grass, rescued before the mowing, to grace our windowsill, inspiring tiny joy. 🌸 . #violets #windowsill #flowerstagram #springflowers #littlethings #tinyflowers #joy #grace #gratitude #simplicity #simplejoys #purple #purpleflowers #spring2018 #spring #mayflowers #inspiration

[melaniemurphymyer]

This is the back of Caety's stone that now graces her grave, after almost six years of waiting. (The front is pictured in previous photo.) Her brother Ryan went with me to see it and give her daffodils. 💐 #Caety #siblings #familylove #foreverinourhearts #siblingloss #childloss #grief #grieving #griefquotes #nomoretears #nomoresorrow #nomorepain #godshallwipeawayalltears #angel #cemetery #witnesspark #heaven #heavenlyhome #heavenishome #hopeofheaven #hope #faith #faithhopelove #missyoucaety 💜 (at Witness Park Cemetery)

[melaniemurphymyer]

Caety's stone is finally finished and on her grave. The daffodils bloomed in our backyard just at the right time to bring them along for our first visit last weekend. It kind of connects her with home, having the daffodils from home. . . . 💐🏡💜 #Caety #loveyouforever #daughter #sister #familylove #motherhood #foreverinourhearts #grief #grievingmother #childloss #deathanddying #cysticfibrosis #cysticfibrosisawareness #cemetery #gravestone #memorial #daffodils #spring #lititzpa #witnesspark #ourbeautifulgirl 💔💗 (at Witness Park Cemetery)

[melaniemurphymyer]

It's weird how sometimes I sound so matter-of-fact about something that is deeply emotional. 💔 . #Caety #daughter #childloss #grief #grievingmother #cysticfibrosis #cysticfibrosisawareness #memoir #amwriting #writing #writerproblems #writerscommunity #writersofinstagram #bookwriting #editing #harrypotter #family #heartache #faithhopelove #missyoucaety 💜

[melaniemurphymyer]

There are countless ways that life is harder after you've lost a child. See that shelf full of games behind my writing chair? It occurred to me today that I could use that shelf to organize all my book-writing materials and other stuff that clutters my kitchen. There are only 3-4 games there that we ever play anymore, so I could put most of them in a box in the basement. 🎲 BUT - this is how the shelf was when Caety was alive (except for the cards on top) and I hang on to the past that way. So I can imagine her here. So I can remember what it was like when she was here. So I can see our house the way she saw it when she lived here. When she was alive. Because I want her to be alive. So I'm caught between my clutter and my grief. 📚💔 . #Caety #grief #grieving #heartbreak #childloss #grievingmother #grievingmom #lifeafterloss #cysticfibrosis #motherhood #cysticfibrosisawareness #writing #amwriting #writerslife #writingcommunity #writinglife #writersofinstagram #memoir #bookwriting #clutter #writingspace #boardgames #shelfie #love #motherslove

[melaniemurphymyer]

"Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul. . . . " ~ Emily Dickinson 🌸 I hope that by some miracle, Caety is in a beautiful happy magical place, like the girl in this painting. I was able to write again on Monday (first time in a month), and as I looked through this 2011 calendar to fill in gaps in my memoir-in-progress, the girl in this picture made me think of Caety and all my hopes of her happiness and continued life in another realm. 💖 . #Caety #life #eternallife #heaven #afterlife #beauty #happiness #magic #magical #angels #faeries #writing #amwriting #writerslife #writingcommunity #writinglife #writersofinstagram #memoir #writerscommunity #art #anotherrealm #hope #faith #love #childloss #grief #grieving #grievingmother #emilydickinson #miracle

[melaniemurphymyer]

I found this paper in the basement flood. We had made black and white photocopies of some of Caety's high school graduation pictures because she needed them for something (I don't remember what), and apparently Caety and/or her brothers doodled on this extra copy. @stephenmyer @ryguymyer Did you do any of these doodles? 😆🎨 . #family #basementflood #siblings #Caety #seniorpictures #portraits #doodles #silly #stickfigures #art #drawing #spring #springflowers #coloring #memories #familymemories #parenting #grief #grievingmother #childloss #loveyouforevercaety #familylove 💜

[melaniemurphymyer]

We had a small flood in the basement, ruining some things - mostly papers and books from our homeschooling days (swipe to see some of them drying out on the kitchen floor), plus a few of Stephen's childhood books that he was saving. I salvaged these photos by cutting off the wet parts. I'm sad about some of the stuff that had to be thrown away, but doing pretty well with keeping it in perspective. It could've been much worse. And it's only things. . #flood #familyphotos #brothers #memories #perspective #homeschool #homeschooling #usbornebooks #childrensbooks #keepsakes #couldhavebeenworse #grateful

[melaniemurphymyer]

I procrastinate so much, because writing about the love and loss our family lives with is so hard, so heart-wrenching, I struggle to make myself go back to it again and again. Yet when I finally break that barrier and get back into the flow, I feel a surprising calm and peace, and a tiny bit of joy. I wonder why anxiety, fear, and sadness form such a strong force field that I have to face and overcome every time. 📝 . #amwriting #writerslife #writing #writersofinstagram #writingcommunity #writinglife #memoir #Caety #cysticfibrosis #curecf #grief #grieving #love #loss #childloss #siblingloss #motherslove #familylove #bookwriting #procrastination #flow #challenges #anxiety #fear #sadness #peace #joy #hope

[melaniemurphymyer]

Happy Birthday Arya! Four years old today. 🎂 🐾 . #Arya #morkiearya #aryathemorkie #aryathedog #morkie #morkiesofinstagram #morkiesofig #morkielove #happybirthday #dogsofinstagram #animallove #cutedogs #petsofinstagram #sunshine #love #happiness #mansbestfriend

[melaniemurphymyer]

I'm reading through emails between Caety and me while she was away at college, pulling out parts to put in the memoir manuscript, to fill in the gaps where I stopped journaling. It's emotionally hard. I took an Ativan to make it possible. . #Caety #amwriting #writerslife #writingcommunity #writinglife #writerscommunity #writing #writersofinstagram #memoir #memoirwriting #bookwriting #grief #childloss #cysticfibrosis #motherhood #correspondence #motherdaughter #grievingmother #anxiety #ativan #emotionalpain #emotions #candle #candlelight #light #flame #faith #hope #love

[melaniemurphymyer]

I'm still trying to piece together 2007 through 2011 for this memoir I'm writing. Those are the years I stopped journaling, and I've just now discovered why: I was finally trying to move on from my broken marriage and had started chatting on dating sites and trying out new relationships. 😕 Today I found notebooks and printouts full of online and text conversations from that time period. I obviously stopped journaling because I was doing all that other writing. This discovery has left me feeling sad and anxious. I feel on the verge of a panic attack. Scattered throughout those writings are bits of our family's story, and things here and there that I shared about what was happening with Caety's illness and life. But I'll have to slog through a lot of nonsense to find the stuff that matters. I'm trying to remind myself that there was some value in those connections - especially two men who were kind and helpful to me and my children for a time while we dated. One of them Caety even wished could've been her step-father. And the other one helped her through her fear of dying during her final days. But my heart is still pounding with anxiety in this moment. 💔 . #Caety #amwriting #writerslife #writingcommunity #writinglife #writerscommunity #writing #memoir #writersofinstagram #journaling #grief #childloss #cysticfibrosis #motherhood #journals #tinkerbell #harrypotter #dating #onlinedating #divorce #brokenhome #brokenheart #anxiety #panicattack #relationships #breathe #bepresent #openyourheart

[melaniemurphymyer]

This past Christmas I bought this ornament for Caety and hung it on our tree. It's a quote from The Chronicles of Narnia, words spoken by Aslan, who is "known by another name" in our world. . #Caety #Aslan #narnia #thechroniclesofnarnia #lion #God #jesus #heaven #heavenishome #joy #faith #hope #love #faithhopelove #etsy #cslewis #narniaquotes #daughter #childofgod #childloss #sorrow #grief #grievingmother #grieving #griefsupport #spirituality #hopeofheaven #belief #believe #seeyousoon