mostlydeceased

[mostlydeceased]

I’m Struggling.

Forgive any errors in this poem. It’s rather long. Just a first draft. I hope you can connect:

invisible struggle

Fashion is fun. Come on into my dressing room.

I dress with colour and pattern. Characters and moods.

It brings me up to the pedestal I deserve to be on.

The lotto is big, maybe I could win, buy every fashion in existence.

May I see your ID, um what?!

A ticket for the lotto, just barely an adult refused to think I was.

Just a high schooler looking for a dream way out they assumed.

I turn 30 next week I declare showing my ID, that I pull out of my Scooby Doo lunch box and brush back my neon green hair.

Why does no one believe I’m an adult?

Why does being an adult have to be drab clothes and hair?

I feel older beyond my years though. Not mentally, but physically.

My young flexible body radiates pain.

Every inch of me covered in a bruise, the gnomes everywhere poking that metaphorical boo boo.

My joints creak, I struggle to stand.

Everyone tells me I’m too young for that much pain, i must be telling tall tales, tall and creaky.

My pain worsens. I find someone who will listen.

“What are your daily pain levels like?”

Oh just normal everyday pain I reply!

“There is no normal pain, you shout experience pain at all!”

Jaw hits the ground. You mean all of you are walking around everyday without constant full body pain?

Dude I was shocked!

I’m invisibly disabled, strong until I’m not, able bodied until I’m not.

Yet they see my youthful appearance and those old bitties hit me with their canes and whack my head with their grocery bags on transit.

A constant parade of physical assault from entitled grandmothers, as I look to young to not be able to stand.

No one gets it. So alone.

Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders for what I cannot do.

Please see me and accept. Understand. Empathet.

I look like a student, but feel like a grandma.

Why has my body been stolen from me.

Don’t give me your sorries.

Just accommodate and accept.

Invisibly disabled, I need some respect.

- Ali May

[mostlydeceased]

Biosphere Here

well… im a lil unhinged • they/she • may gemini • AuDHD • harm reduction worker • total dork • fashionista • dog mah • collector of things 🫠 • a creative type • spicy creator • millennial (but I swear I’m cool) • im not cool…

my name is Ali May and i am mostly deceased.

The lore of Ali May & Venus Xenolith…

Venus V X Lore:

In her spaceship, exploring the universe, when it broke down and woah! She was crashing down through the sky and on to earth, barely just missing a human woman on her way down.

Badly injured and knew the only way to save herself was to jump from her body and place her mind within the mind of the woman, who she stupidly swerved to miss.

Shoulda saved her own ass she thought to herself, this lady has barely any injuries. Well she hopped her alien brain over to the human body and hoped that some of that human first aid would be on its to save us.

Paramedics ended up showing up, took the two within one to the hospital, bandaged them right up then, sent them on their way.

Ali is living in the brain fighting for control now, but living her best life, Venus Vixen Xenolith, takes power of this form. As for her, she is just mostly deceased tbh.

This is a space for Ali to break free from control of @venusxenolith

xoxo Ali

(floor time and dogs are grrrreat!)

[mostlydeceased]

Bite Me

Sometimes you really need to watch who you say that to.

Oh my…

xoxo Ali MD

[mostlydeceased]

Last summer…

Last summer felt like such a hellscape reality to be in. But now that I’m far from it and exiting winter I look back and miss it. Well aspects of it. We’re always so nostalgic for the things that shone so bright through the shitstorm. The rooftop dances, the hikes in nature, meditating over the hilltop, passionate kisses, and of course all the fire ‘fits. Well at least i can make sure the fits keep up.

[mostlydeceased]

Trust Issues

A poem by me:

Safe is only a feeling, not a reality.

Are these just the thoughts of a hella anxious girl?

Or the ramblings of a trauma bound woman?

We precieve safe.

What defines it?

One foot in front of the next.

Swing your head back around your neck.

Check surroundings.

Scan hiding spots.

Seemingly a "safe" & pleasent space.

Wave at your neighbors.

Dangers lie behind smiles.

Hurt can happen with a mistep.

Girl remains.

Now a woman.

Trust no one.

by Ali May

[mostlydeceased]

Happy International Women’s day to all the ladies and femmes!💕

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship to womanhood. I’ve revisited a my reoccurring thoughts of gender pondering this past year, thought long and hard, I’ve always felt very much like inside I’m not quite woman but not a man. Parts of me feel very feminine but a lot of it has felt like I grew into the feminine side of me because i never wanted to be a boy/man, which I was commonly getting mistaken for or referred to as my whole life.

When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to have long hair. I had a beautiful blonde mullet that I never brushed and I started forming dread locks so my parents said cut it all off! And the everyone would ask if I was a boy or a girl even more (yeah I got asked this question sooooo much through my childhood). It got so bad in grade 1 I decided that if I wore a dress every single day people would stop asking me. I just wanted to not be questioned and just be me and express me, but i definitely didn’t want to be a stinky boy. I remember clearly one day sitting on the front lawn of my church with some pals during march break camp I think? And this boy came up and asked me the question. I just remember losing it in my head and yelling into the air.

I think I’ve always been nonbinary but as I grew up thinking the binary was my only options and then just felt stuck and pressured my whole adult lifel with anxiety and fear of the fact my felinity and joy for things girly and femme were keeping me in a box even though I saw others explore it.

I’m really proud of myself for allowing myself to accept my nonbinary existence and while womanhood I relate to a lot of trauma, I’d still prefer it over being a man.

xoxo Ali

[mostlydeceased]

It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Woo I'm a big kid now!

[mostlydeceased]

What a Spooky Season I've had...

Oh my. I've spent my fall busting my ass out of my toxic living situation and moving out on my own. I finally feel free!!! A pal came over and mentioned I was mighty ready for Halloween because of all the "decorations" up. I scoffed. Those aren't holiday decorations, it's home decor!

I'm almost finished setting up my apartment but it's a tad messy atm so no pix. But I live right by the lake so here is me and Dexter sitting by the lake.

xoxo Ali

[mostlydeceased]

tru tru plz stop me

[mostlydeceased]

[mostlydeceased]

SORRY BOO, I MISS U

I know all of you sexy boos have missed me too. I've been pretty MIA lately so I'm gonna explain what's up.

My living situation has not been the best. Living with my mom, my snotty spoiled sister(she is the stereotypical youngest child just like I have middle child syndrome), her friend who is our roommate(also self absorbed and refuses to clean up after herself and a huge mooch), and my mom's bestfriend as our second roommate(who is like me stand in mom but any kinda mom still gets on your nerves now and then). So yeah I was at the end of my rope of my sanity. I moved here to escape mean roommates who were bullying me only to end up in another bad roommate situation. I've always lived in pretty crowded houses. Growing up it was 7 of us in the house plus one sometimes child, then I lived with roommates most of my time living on my own, 4-8 people in a house. Smallest household I've lived in has been when I lived with just my partner at the time. And that was not a good time either. So it's time I get off on my own!

All month I've been searching for apartments, going to viewings, also while doing job interviews and such. On Wednesday I got approved for an apartment and I move in Tuesday! I also start orientation for a new job Monday. Oh my gosh my head has been spinning. I've had to pack like crazy because I worked all this weekend. I then ended up getting sick this week too.

So yeah for those who are looking for my adult content and streaming once I'm set up in my new place and my schedule is more settled I'll be back. So I'm hoping by November! Don't worry I'm not gone babes! 😘

Here I am right now sitting in a little park on my work break. Ttyl!

xox Ali

[mostlydeceased]

LET'S ALL JUMP IN A LAKE IN THE SUMMER!

I'm hella cute. I started a new group last week. Its called Money as a Substance and is to teach us how to turn it from it being a substance in our lives to an abundance. I'm really happy to be in this group. We also meet in a park by the lake and use art therapy! Its so nice. We made vessels to represent something we feel about the burden of money and I made a vulva to represent selling your body as labour. It can be through sex work or construction hard laborious jobs, or even being hunched over a desk starring at a screen all day. I know my body is extra fucked up from the decade I spent in retail selling my body and soul for minimum wage. But the womb is a very powerful and wealthy part of the body so it's like breaking free from that hold.

xxx Ali

[mostlydeceased]

what do you do when your body is a corpse but your mind is an insane infant?

[mostlydeceased]

[mostlydeceased]

Those Moments When You're a Ball of Emotions...

Then you have a friend come in with a message like this:

Oof right in the emotional spots. That was their response to me changing my handles and domain name as it is now (mostlydeceased & myfunfuneral.org) and I was making it a light hearted joke. Then I put my phone down and got all worked up in group therapy and can't stop crying.

ONLY TO COME BACK TO THIS. real friends. ✊💗

also instead of replying to them I have posted it here.

fuck the time though. WHY AM I FOREVER TIME BLIND?!?

yo bro u know who u r. i promise to respond before midnight.

xx A

the time is now 4:54pm

[mostlydeceased]

i call them confusey showers if you do them while dissociating on ketamine. gotta love a good dissociative! 10/10 recommend! unless you forget how to stand on k, then 0/10 recommend!

xxx A

[mostlydeceased]

mhmm. icey ice ice water plzzzzz.

been chugging up my icey water so i stop sipping (chugging) the kool-aid. "why is that girl just drinking the all mixers?" "shush now! i want juice! vodka is meant to be drunk virgin. (without juice or pop)"