mylifeinamoment

[mylifeinamoment]

So much has happened in the last few weeks.

I’ve been distant. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been suicidal again.

I’ve been so much better the last two weeks. But, it was a horrible time in life. I’ve been mourning two major losses in my life in two very different ways.

I want to talk about them, and I’m so tired of feeling pitied by my friends and family.

So, here I am. I’m here to continue to share my stories. Hi, I’m Ash and this is my life in a moment 2021 edition.

[mylifeinamoment]

aesthetic

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― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

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Wisława Szymborska, tr. by Clare Cavanagh and Stanisław Barańczak, from “Experiment”, Map: Collected and Last Poems

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I can’t change the past but I can focus on the future.

My childhood, to put it simply, was rough. 

Like everyone thought I had the perfect life, but I lived with a very verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive parent. She was a narcissist and toxic person in general. It was tough, but I made it out alive. it was tough, but not as tough as many others.

She was abusive to me and my siblings (Nick and Natalie) as well as my dad. He loved her, and she was in the military, so he looked past a lot of her behaviors as PTSD. He also served in the military, but he did 5 and fly. My mom made a career out of it. 

End of the day, it wasn’t PTSD that made her horrible, she was just a manipulative person and I’m sure she has some mental inhibitions, but it doesn’t excuse how she’s treated us in the past and continues to now.

She decided to leave my dad less than 4 months ago. Less than 1 month post decision, she was living with another man, joined bank accounts 2 months later, and are now talking about marriage. 

I am not happy for her. I know - I sound awful, but I really have finally realized that I am not happy for her leaving my dad in ruins and leaving my siblings and I to pick up the pieces. My dad is like the best dad alive. He didn’t deserve this. 

She’s in a ‘happy’ relationship with some guy she went to high school with like 30 years ago, she posts pictures with all of his kids, their new pets, and him. It’s uncomfortable as a married adult to watch your mom, who has only been divorced for one month now, just leave your dad and siblings, and go live a happy life that we never got from her. 

I’m mostly sad, because we trusted her, my dad trusted her, and she fooled us all. She’s been cheating for what I believe are years. I caught her the first time 7 years ago. I picked up her phone to move it when I read “I miss kissing you” come across the screen. It was from a man she spent the last 3 months deployed with. Last year she went inside the laundromat on our way for a girls weekend with her best friend. Her phone rang so I picked it up. It was her online friend messaging her telling her how much he loved her and hoped she drove safe on her trip with me. I asked her when she started seeing her boyfriend. She told me 3 weeks after she asked for the divorce. My mom’s boyfriend told my brother in law they’ve been together pre-Covid.

You want to trust your people - but it’s hard. I know my mom lied constantly. There’s so many other moments like the ones above. I don’t trust my mom. I hate my mom for lying. For hating us. For making my life a living hell.

I hate that I don’t really trust people because of my mom.

I’ve decided I can’t live like this anymore.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I want to live, peacefully, I want to live without the constant anxiety that my mom’s going to scream at me or start to belittle me. I want to live without fear that my dad is going to have a heart attack or stroke from the amount of stress my mom causes him. I was to live without the hurt, trauma, and triggering of your size 8 mom constantly telling you how fat she is when her daughters’ sizes are 16 & 20. I want to live without her in my life.

I deleted her off of everything. I want to slowly erase her from my life. i want to live my life at peace. I don’t want to constantly have fears of turning into her.

I want to be a good person, and a good mom. I want a healthy marriage and a happy life. 

I deleted my mom off of social media tonight, and I have never felt more at peace.

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Who am I?

I dunno really. Like the deep “who am I” question I’ve never really been able to answer. 

Like, I’m 23, I work in the education system, my best friend is my husband Toni, I have a great girl squad who I love eternally. I like crafts, my husband was able to buy us a home (like I’m really blessed and I’ve been with him for 7 years) I love exploring and educating myself on new topics. I am a democrat/liberal but I was raised by conservative republicans (Hey, I’m the disappointment of the family, nice to meet you) I have some pretty severe trauma, anxiety, and (at times) depression (we’ll get into all this later.) 

I’ve struggled my whole life identifying WHO I am, instead of WHAT i have become because of my childhood shit. I feel like I’ve always absorbed personality traits of those around me instead of actually realizing that I’m my own person. After a lot of reflection, I’ve discovered some of who I am, but I’m looking for the bigger picture Ash. 

Some things that make me, me? I love crafting and baking, I love surrounding myself with my people, I have the best dog in the world and I love being his mom. I want to help people who don’t know how to help themselves. I have always wanted to open a restaurant and now my husband and I are discussing getting into real estate and property management. I love risks - adrenaline is my top drug of choice , but I’m also willing to roll up if the greens are there. I am discovering I am more spiritual than I ever allowed myself to be. I have always had a very strong intuition and now I’m allowing myself to be guided by such. I live without regrets, because I understand that choices have consequences no matter what. If I live with the best intentions, then if things go awry I can only try to make it right, but not allow it to negatively impact my mental health. 

This is who I’be become, because i’ve finally allowed myself to let go of the past and talk about it so I can move on peacefully into the future. My life and yours are not the same, so I can’t say that what works for me will work for you. I just want to give you insight and resources that I’ve used to help me in this crazy ass world.

Peace, 

Ash

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I've got caviar dreams and a ramen noodle budget

Tanisha Long

[mylifeinamoment]

Welcome home

Hey, welcome to my blog. Here, you’re safe and we are home. Get cozy, and feel comfortable. You’re always welcome here!

This is my safe space. My life has been full of twists, turns, trauma, and triumphs. 2020 held up to those standards without a doubt. This is where I’ll dive in and let you hear some of the stories about who I am and how I got here. We’ll venture into goals and what I want my life to look like. I’m ready to dive in, are you?