nightskyblues

[nightskyblues]

Losing track of time

On a random Saturday night, I wonder: when did seven years start to feel like seven months and when did seven months start to feel like seven years? And just when I finally made my days better, the nights worsened.

Maybe, I lost track of time when I started counting the days backward rather than forward — like how I count the steps trying to loosen my grip.

That's when I learned that time is a manmade concept that cannot even mandate what you should feel about the days passing by. It's still you who continuously counts the seconds, minutes, and hours waiting for things to fall back into their places.

Would I be too selfish if I wanted to stop and preserve that certain time? Or would I be too insane if I wanted it to replay all over again?

But then, I'm not omnipotent; I can only watch from afar and beg the universe to fasten the dates when you no longer exist in my days and nights. Hopefully, the time will come when you won't be in my mornings, afternoons, and nights.

For now, I'll let you stay in my mind until my heart finally agrees that you're now just a stranger — you are no longer the same person who once took care of it.

// 121122 5:01 AM

[nightskyblues]

and when I tried my hardest to be happy for you, I knew I was betraying myself too.

// 062722 11:01 PM • this is me trying

[nightskyblues]

I can no longer make another mistake by choosing you again this time simply because I knew it was the right thing to do. But honestly, I wish things were different — I do not need to define my mistake through your name. Because even if I was doing the right thing by not looking back, I was just being torn into pieces.

Although, I also knew that holding, even more, would be lifelong torture for me.

// 042922 10:32 PM • the right thing doesn't always feel right

[nightskyblues]

Me reading a really good book: god this makes me wanna write

Me reading a really bad book: ugh this makes me wanna write

Me having coffee: i wanna write

Me going on a drive: i wanna write

Me doing the dishes: i wanna write

Me waking up: i wanna write

Me writing:

[nightskyblues]

the way you once held these delicate fingers is the way i wished how you held this delicate heart of mine.

i just wish you didn't learn to drop them both.

// 032122 5:32 AM

[nightskyblues]

maybe we are all good at hiding things including the little aches whenever we hear a certain name. then the rest of the world would stay clueless about how we die a little inside.

// 032422 12:15 PM

[nightskyblues]

today, i took a different path on my way home. but when i walked that particular street, i saw a familiar face. suddenly, it reminded me of how many years it had been since the last time we talked. but i was also reminded of the reality when i saw how you looked into her eyes — the same way you looked into mine back then.

maybe i knew the answers all this time and i just mastered denying them.

the heart wants what it wants, anyway.

// 031422 2:31 AM • signs

[nightskyblues]

a cool breeze brushed against my skin as we drove out of the town and left the world while it was sleeping.

i took a quick glimpse of you while driving — the way your hair blew in the air, the way your eyes focused on the road as your lips hummed the sound of the night, and the way your loose shirt covered most of your skin — suddenly, the little things are no longer simple when they are all about you.

my mind suddenly came up with three words: recklessness, you, and beginnings.

like all the things in this universe, it's one hell of a mystery of how the stars aligned our paths. it's both terrifying and electrifying but everything's alright when i'm just one step closer from you.

// 031222 4:34 AM • mirrorball

[nightskyblues]

since then, my life cycle became dreaming about your voice, waking up missing your touch, and grieving in between about what could have been.

// 032122 5:50 AM

[nightskyblues]

at the end of the day, it wasn't answers that she found — but herself.

maybe, the goodness in between chaos wasn't actually him — but herself.

// 031522 4:12 AM • it's about her

[nightskyblues]

sometimes, i wish i could automatically get you out of my system.

the moment i wake up, the taste of the coffee, the summer breeze in the afternoon, and the good night kisses. i wish it was as easy as deleting your photos on my phone and as easy as decluttering my closet with some of your favorite t-shirts.

but it wasn't.

all that is left is a glass half empty and a version of myself who's trying to find my way out of the loop i created myself.

after all, it's no longer useful to yearn for someone who had stopped pulling the rope a long time ago.

eventually, little by little, i need to stop gripping the other end too.

// 030622 3:01 AM • sleepless

[nightskyblues]

She knew that her silence was loud enough to make her awake at night, but never loud enough to reach him.

Only the stars could tell how this little selfish heart of her desperately wants to be heard, even in the least possible way.

// 071121 1:36 AM

[nightskyblues]

Sometimes good memories hurt more than bad ones.

[nightskyblues]

We were too young.

You used to tell me how you love Hunger Games and how many times you have watched it with your family. You used to tell me how you wanted to marry Katniss when we grow up. It was silly but also cute; we were too young but we talk about love as if we exactly knew what it means.

You used to spend your weekdays playing sports. You easily get annoyed when your team loses just as much as how you easily brag when your team wins. You used to tell me how you wanted to be a varsity player someday. We were too young that we never knew anything about life except our dreams.

I can't recall when did we start becoming aware of each other's presence — as if we didn't talk all these years; as if we didn't witness each other growing up. Suddenly, you don't know what to say while I don't know how to act. But we were too young and we barely knew about making promises — you still did, anyway.

Did you finally learn you can't marry Katniss? Were you able to be a varsity player? If only the universe didn't intervene, was I able to have answers?

Now, I know something has been missing from me and I don't where I could begin finding it. I wonder if it's the same with you — wherever you are in this universe. I wonder if you were looking for me too, like how you promised it.

Because we might be too young at that time, but we both knew that our hearts did not lie.

// 060221 2:06 AM

[nightskyblues]

If it would take a hundred goodbyes to forget you, I would do them thousand times — just to forget that love that once helped me to get through everything.

// 120621 another excerpt

[nightskyblues]

“I miss you all the time. So much, that it’s turned into a dull kind of miss and I start to think I’m used to it. Then I’ll be out and I’ll see something funny and I wonder if you’d laugh about it too. And suddenly I’m thinking of your sarcasm, then your smile, then how your voice cracks when you’re trying to talk and laugh at the same time. And all that pain of missing you comes rushing back and I realize I haven’t gotten used to it at all.”

— Unknown 

[nightskyblues]

When you created a space in your heart for someone, even if years had passed — it never fades; it stays. Sometimes, your heart wishes that the space you kept for someone is worth it, even if that means spending your lives apart.

// 090719 • excerpt from letters to nobody