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The thing about unconsciously becoming a leader, either with you friends, at school, or at work, is that nobody ever tells you “good job”. As a leader, you are the one encouraging your team or your friends to keep going, to be strong physically/emotionally. You are the one giving them strength to go on, push forward. You are the one that makes them believe in themselves a bit more, even for just a split second.

And it doesn’t matter for much, or how long you will do this, nobody, will know the struggle you go through. For how beautiful it seems to be a leader, and it is don’t get me wrong, they won’t understand the amount of judgement you will be placing upon yourself. How insecure about your leading skill you’ll become. How often you will be questioning your reliability. “Am I doing good?” “Better than yesterday, perhaps?” “Am I even a leader, at all?” “Was I too rough with them?” “Did I do the right it?” “Was it the right thing?” “Maybe I should’ve acted differently..” “Maybe I should’ve helped more”. Looking at the faces surrounding you, wondering if they even LIKE being around you, or they are doing so just because they have to. Obviously you will not be liked by everyone, but that is not what concerns me.

I believe I’m a team player. I will take cover for you. I will help you when you need me. I’ll be a shoulder for you to cry on, if you need. I will be the first to take care of a cut on your finger or a burn on your hand. And I’ll hug you tightly if you need comfort.

Being a leader is nice, until you are on the other side of the road, looking at your team being a team, but never actually being part of it. Feeling proud of what you did, but never hearing anyone saying it to you out loud. “I’m proud of you” “You did a good job”.

Unconsciously, you have to start saying it to yourself. Being your own leader, and your own team.

“Yea, you did a good job today”

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I always feel so left out of things.

I was at work today, in my job I have a position of some sort of power, per say. It was a hard day for all the team, and I thought putting some music would release some tension and stress. I then open YouTube, ask one of my coworkers what they want to listen to, and I put it on. We started dancing in a goofy way, then I had “move away” cause I had to finish my part of the job. I started just looking at them having fun, and laughing, dancing.

It felt a lot like being a stranger, looking into someone’s memories. Like they weren’t even my memories.

I suddenly felt a wave of loneliness hitting me deep in my chest. It’s been a few months since I felt a wave like that one.

All of a sudden I was 7 again, peeking behind a slightly opened door, wondering what my classmates are laughing about. Asking myself why I’m not invited in the room to laugh. “Am I not nice to be around?” “Why don’t they want me here?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Did I act weird again?”

And somehow even now at 22, i can’t help but ask for just one friend. To hang out with, to have a casual dinner with. To be able to dance with, and not feel ashamed of my dance moves. To not be called weird once again. To be wanted around, in some way, in any way.

The act of having someone to call a friend, is truly a blessing.

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peopleiveloved

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Is there a way, for us humans, to "experience love" not as tragic as we want it to seem.

Look at all the paintings, the music, the poems and books written about love. About caring for someone, wishing they're having a good day. And all the acts of love we do to show our way of experiencing life.

I am indeed aware that I'm not the only one feeling like nobody ever felt the way I do, yet I do feel alone. I feel alone because I do not have someone to talk to openly. I have friends, but none of them can understand what I'm saying fully. They might agree, but we will never discuss how loving in the purest form will be an agonizing and sadistic act, that we will never quit on doing. We will not discuss how pure and delicate humans can be, but so cruel and rigid in their behavior, that we will question every word that shall leave their mouth.

In a world of humans, I'm left behind. Where everyone lives, I watch, and hope that one day, I will too, live, while everyone watches.

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May Sarton, from Recovering: A Journal [ID in alt text]

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patch of sunlight from the window save me

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And finally, this year came to an end. As the fireworks shine in the sky, I'm sitting on my bed. No parties, no drinking. No friends around. Just me, Jerry, my whale plushie and my plants. This year was the first brick of a life I'm not allowed to discover just yet. I've been more alone in this year than in my 21 years of life. And I lived for so little. I remember how many times I thought about ending it all, and being this close to death that her breath felt like a delicate veil. I've been betrayed and abandoned in ways my heart didn't know it was possible to even experience. I've faced traumas I didn't know existed. O made some new friends along the way and lost others. I talked to myself an uncountable amount of times. Monologs and poetry have saved me this year. And I want to thank the hopecore, who taught me so much in so little time. I found out so much about myself.

I learned a lot.

I've changed a lot. And a lot changed.

Im learning to leave the past behind. I'm learning to be myself a bit more. I'm learning how to receive love, affection, care and kindness from others. I'm learning to be kind, tender, and delicate. I'm learning to set boundaries. I'm learning to let people go if they don't wish to stay any longer next to me. I'm learning to be alone. I'm learning to live.

I ask for one wish only to the Universe: May this year be kinder to my soul and heart. May this year be kinder, to me.

Happy New Year kid.

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Do you ever just want be tender?

To the ones that are untouchable, hard on their self, do you EVER want to be tender, and soft and kind and delicate? So delicate that only the kindest hands could hold you properly?

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I have this tendency of making the memories of the people I once knew tragic, nostalgic and memorable.  Unconsciously or not, i belive that, that way, their existence will always have mattered, and their absence, will leave mark on my soul.

I dont think anyone made me tragic like that.

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Sometimes it's a matter of perspective.

Changes might mean, that a new perspective will come.

Listen to your needs, but also look at the perspective FROM others. We focus so much on figuring every out in the shortest period of time, that we forget that we have time to grow, learn and improve ourselves. We dont need to become the best version of ourselves in 2 months. It could take years, before we even understand how we think. Cause yes, no matter your age, there will always be things that you couldn't figure out about yourself until this very moment.

All this rush to have everything planned and figured out, nonsense.

Let's not forget that we are not machines, but humans. Living creatures that found their way out in the world, and as humans, we will always commit mistakes, and hopefully, learn from them. And from that, we grow for the better.

Breath, you have time.

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Winter always felt scary in some way. And so i tried to hide myself from it.

But this winter feels different. The cold is not as sharp as I remember it to be. The snow is not as aggressive as I thought it was. Instead, I looked at the sky tonight, and the snow never fell more delicately on my skin.

I stand in the middle of the street, and I cant help but smile.

I dont feel afraid to face the winter alone anymore.

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What do I have to offer, if not my anger, that no longer is inside of me.

And if I'm not my anger, what am I then?

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I remember this time when my friend and I had dinner at open heart, spoke about everything, laughed, had liquor and soju, all of this with soft jazz playing as background.

They reminded me that life is worth living and that I'm so grateful to be alive in the same timeline as them.

Love, in every form, surely makes you want to stay a little longer on this planet.