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sacredjake · 1 year

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To Be Loved By You

pairing: sam kiszka x reader

word count: 4.1k

warnings: angst, pining, fluff, drinking. let me know if i missed anything

i’ve gone back and forth on this fic and almost wasn’t going to post it, but here we are. this fic is very, very loosely based off the song To Be Loved By You by Parker McCollum. every time i heard it i just had this vision in my head for some reason and needed it out :) huge thank you to @malany-gvf and @gretasimp for proofreading and editing <3

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“So? What do you think?”

The words bounced around in your head, creating a hollow echo against your brain. You should be ecstatic, over the moon, jumping with joy. Part of you was, but another part of you just felt sad. And you hated yourself for it.

“Oh my god… Is it that bad?!” Seth’s panicked words brought you back from the corner in your mind where you had been hiding away.

“Oh no! No! Seth, it’s perfect. Em is going to absolutely freak and say yes. Honestly, you planned the perfect proposal and I am so excited for you both!” You quickly shoved your sadness deep down to reassure him that his engagement proposal to your best friend is perfect.

And it was. Seth had everything planned out exactly as you would expect, so when your best friend, Emily, said “yes” you were not surprised in the slightest. You were extremely happy for them both, but it also loomed over you as a reminder of how awful your own love life was.

You had never been in a serious relationship and every date you went on was an utter disaster. The guy was either a creep, or wasn’t interested in actually dating. After so many years of your closest friends falling in love and getting married, you were starting to turn bitter and sad about the subject of love entirely.

“Ugh, Sam, you should’ve seen it. It was absolutely perfect, and of course she said yes because I mean, how could she not?!” You exasperate over the phone to your best friend as you walk inside your apartment and drop your keys on the kitchen counter.

“And the way he looked at her? My god he looked at her like she was the only woman to ever walk the earth. And when she said yes? I just can’t even take it anymore. I am beyond happy for her, I am, but when is it gonna be my turn? When am I going to fall in love? When am I going to have a guy look at me like I am the only woman to ever exist?”

Sam gave you a hefty sigh from the other end of the phone as you continued to ramble and pity yourself, voice beginning to crack from the heavy emotions you felt.

You made your way through your apartment towards your bathroom to get ready for bed, petting your cat who lay on the armrest of the couch along the way.

“C’mon y/n, stop talking like that. There are tons of guys out there who would fall at your feet if you so much as glanced their way. Maybe your time is coming soon.” Sam effectively cut off your rambling, but his words of optimism didn’t help. If anything they drove you closer to tears.

As you entered the bathroom, you could feel your throat closing and water starting to prickle in your eyes, your chest tightening with hurt and sorrow. You shut the door with your back pressed against the wood and slide down the length of it until you were sitting on the cool tile.

“Don’t say that to me, Sam. Please. I’ll only get my hopes up for nothing to happen. Constantly reminded that I’m unloved.” You choked back a sob trying not to cry to your best friend on the phone. You have done enough of that these days.

Sam has heard and seen it all. He was the person you were able to go to with these things because unlike all of your other friends, he was single. He knew what it felt like to be lonely and want someone to share things with. But my god was he so optimistic and hopeful with you, always ensuring that there was someone out there for you.

“You are not unlovable, Angel. Far from it. You just need to… I don’t know… gain a new perspective on things?” His nickname for you caused another round of sobs to wrack through your body. It wasn’t often that he called you Angel anymore, but when he did it was always in situations like this. When you needed it most.

He sounded sad and longing, but you were too wrapped up in your own pity to even notice. It stayed silent for a few moments while you tried to pull it together, Sam giving you time to gather yourself.

“I think I’m going to go to bed. Could you do me a favor?”

“Anything for you, Angel.”

“Could you be my plus one for this wedding? I know I will be in the bridal party, but I don’t think I can stomach it without you.” Tears threatened to fall from your eyes once again as you spoke.

“I would love to be your plus one. I’ll be there.” His voice was soft and gentle, calming your emotions once again. You took a deep breath and stood from your place on the ground.

“Thank you, Sam. I appreciate you so much.” You gave a slight smile even though he couldn’t see you.

“Anytime, Angel. I’m always here. Get some rest, okay? Goodnight.” You could picture the look on his face perfectly in your mind. Eyes and smile soft and warm on his face as he bid you goodnight.

“Goodnight, Sam.” Ending the call and you continued your regular nightly routine, but still feeling weighed down by your own heart, the sadness lingering. You knew eventually it would subside, but tonight was another night in which you would fall asleep alone, wishing for the comfort of another.

—————————-

As the months passed on, Emily had asked you to be a bridesmaid, as you had suspected she would. You were thrilled to be a part of her big day in this way, but being a bridesmaid also meant you were constantly talking about wedding things and love. Which songs they will play, what song they wanted their first dance as a married couple to be, what kind of cake and flowers and decorations they would have. It was exhausting.

By the time the wedding rolled around you were grateful the whole ordeal was going to be over. Part of it was the stress of having bridesmaid responsibilities, but the other was because it was a constant reminder that you were alone. All of the other bridesmaids were either taken or married which didn’t help the resentment towards love that you were beginning to feel after months of helping plan this wedding. Not that you would ever let it show around them or Em, but you couldn’t wait to be out from under its crushing weight.

You vented to Sam about the wedding and how you felt, frequently. You would have felt bad constantly burdening him with your emotions had you been able to see past them. He never faltered and always seemed willing to listen and give advice. You were thankful that you had him, and even more thankful that he still agreed to come with you to the wedding.

“Alright people! It’s showtime!” Em’s sister, Audrey gathered the attention of the bridal party, signaling that the wedding was about to begin. You walked over to Em one last time before finding your place among the other bridesmaids.

“Congratulations, Em. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I am so happy for you.” You lightly grasped her shoulders as you spoke. Tears began to well in both of your eyes and deciding neither of you could afford to ruin your makeup now you added with a pointed finger, “And if Seth ever hurts you, I will kick his ass.” Causing you both to laugh lightly.

“I know you will, y/n. I know you will.” She shook her head giggling slightly. You let go of her shoulder to give her a tight hug, basking in each other for a moment. You pulled away from Em giving her a soft smile before joining the other bridesmaids to begin the wedding procession.

As you joined the groomsman you had been paired with and marched down the aisle, you searched for Sam. His eyes found yours in the crowd of people sitting in the pews and he shot you a smile and wink, earning a smile from you in return.

The way Seth watched Em walk down the aisle pulled on your heart, drawing it near your stomach. His eyes were solely focused on her, tears threatening to break through as she approached closer with every step. You longed for someone to look at you that way, to love you that deeply and strongly.

The ceremony was beautiful and filled with tears from all throughout the church. You cheered loudly as the newlyweds walked out to their awaiting car to be swept off towards the reception venue. Eventually you were able to find Sam among the sea of people leaving their places in the pews.

“Thank you for coming, Sam.” You greeted him with a hug and bright smile, though he could see the sadness that held your eyes. He immediately wrapped his arms around your frame, hugging you close with his chin resting lightly on the top of your head. He was intoxicating. His warmth, his smell, his touch, everything about him soothed you and drew you in.

“Anything for you, always.” He squeezes you tightly before letting go. Gesturing you to walk outside, you followed his direction out of the church and into the warm spring air.

“Nice suit, I didn’t know you could clean up this well.” You nodded to his outfit of choice. He was wearing a deep red blazer and dress pants set that complimented his skin well. You ran your hand down the sleeve of his blazer feeling the crushed red velvet beneath your fingers.

“Not so bad yourself. I think fuschia suits you.” He nodded his head back towards you and gave you a wink. You wrinkled your nose and pretended to gag at his words.

“Please, you know I hate the color pink.”

“You never listen, huh? This isn’t just pink, it’s fuschia.” Sam huffed jokingly. Shaking your head you lightly shoved his shoulder with your hand, barely pushing him away from you.

“It’s still a shade of pink, dummy.” You looked around and noticed that most of the guests had cleared out of the vicinity, more than likely heading to the reception hall. “We should probably get going though. Mind if I ride with you to the reception? I rode with Audrey here.”

“Not at all. This way, milady.” Sam held his arm out for you to loop yours through, guiding you to his car. Your time with Sam didn’t last long, as you had to perform your last bridesmaid duty. Pictures.

You didn’t mind this aspect of being a bridesmaid, it was just extremely tedious, and you were not a fan of having your picture taken. You were relieved when the photographer announced that they would be taking pictures of the newlyweds and you were free to join the guests in the reception hall.

As you walked into the open ballroom you began scanning the area for Sam, finding him sitting at a table with his back to you, in what looked to be a deep conversation with a girl. She was laughing at something he said with her hand on his upper arm, leaning in closer to him. You instantly felt anger bubbling inside of you, rising up to your face. You couldn’t explain why you felt this way, but you were definitely feeling an odd tinge of jealousy. Deciding to bypass Sam and the girl, you walked straight to the bar to order a drink. Thank god Em and Seth insisted on having an open bar, you were going to need the liquor.

As you waited in line, you felt a hand gently land on the backside of your tricep. Turning your head slightly you were met with Sam’s face looking down at you, a soft smile gracing his lips. You offered the best smile you could muster, shoving the ugly green monster back into his little box and turned back to face the bar.

Sam still felt the shift in your mood as you turned away from him without a word. He dropped his hand from your arm, and opted to not bring it up in fear that it would only upset you further.

“What can I get for you?” The bartender looked up from the current order they were working on as you approached the bar.

“Can I have a jack and coke, please?” Sam glanced at you, eyebrows raised in surprise at the drink you ordered. You didn’t drink jack and coke unless you were planning on getting drunk, fast, and he knew it.

“And for you?” The bartender looked towards Sam waiting to fill his order.

“Tequila soda, please.” The bartender got to work on your drinks as you and Sam stood in silence. In a few moments you both had your drinks and were heading back towards the table you saw Sam sitting at with the girl earlier. Although, this time she was nowhere to be found.

“Drinking heavy tonight?” Sam nodded his head towards the drink in your hand as you sat down, taking a sip of your jack and coke.

“I figured I’d need something stronger than my usual to get me through tonight.” You shrugged, taking another sip. You weren’t sure it was even possible, but his eyes softened more at your reply. He rested his hand on your knee and gave it a light squeeze. Even through the fabric of your dress, your skin felt warm under his touch.

His hand didn’t linger for long as he picked up his glass and tilted it towards yours. “Then drink we shall.” He gently knocked his glass against yours before lifting it to his lips.

The night went on, and Sam helped lift your mood as toasts were made, food was served and drinks were downed. You were definitely feeling slightly drunk from the rounds of drinks you frequently got, and that helped to soothe the sting of heartache. However, your mood quickly turned sour once again as the cake was being cut and the couple shared their first dance as husband and wife.

“Why can’t I have that? Look at the way they’re staring into each other’s eyes… I want someone to love me like that.” You sighed, chin resting on your arm that was draped over the back of your chair. “No one has ever looked at me that way. No one has ever wanted me that way.” You cast your eyes down to the empty drink in your hand and sighed again.

“I’m going to get another drink.”

You stood, earning a huff from Sam as you set the glass on the table. His large hand wrapped around your wrist as you began to leave, stopping you in your tracks. You turned back to face him, shooting him a questioning look, eyebrows raised.

“I think you’ve had enough, y/n.” Sam’s voice was stern as his downturned eyes bore into your own. You scoffed at him. Anger seeped into your body, boiling in your veins. Who was he to cut you off?

“Excuse me?” You bit back at him, tone venomous as you tried to pull your wrist from his grasp to no avail. He wasn’t budging, his hand like a vice around your wrist.

Still holding onto you he rose out of his seat coming face to face with you. “God, how blind are you?!” His voice was hushed so as to not draw attention, but his tone was cutting, teeth clenched. You stared at him, eyes wide, confused and not daring to speak. You had never seen Sam so angry before, and especially not so quickly.

“You don’t see it, do you? Of course you don’t, you’re so self-absorbed in your own sorrow to even notice.” His hand finally let go of your wrist at his last word slicing through the air. You stood there shocked and shaking from anger.

“What the hell are you-“

“Forget it, y/n.” Sam shook his head before he stormed off towards the exit of the reception hall. You stood there for just a moment as he walked by before you turned on your heel and stormed after him. Thankfully no one noticed the interaction between the two of you as they were all watching the happy couple dance.

Sam exited the hall through a small door that led out into the foyer of the building with you hot on his heels. The room was dark, only being lit from the moon and lightning flashes as a thunderstorm rolled in. “Go away, y/n. Leave me alone.” He spat as he continued to walk towards the exit of the building, crossing the room quickly due to the stride of his long legs.

“No! What the hell are you talking about?! Why are you so angry?” You practically yelled and he stopped in his tracks, one hand resting on each of the giant double doors that lead outside. He shook his head and gave a cold, mirthless laugh as a flash of lightning cracked across the sky, illuminating the mostly empty room for a short, fleeting moment.

“That’s exactly it! Don’t you get it? You don’t even realize!” He pushed away from the door, turning back to walk towards you.

“Realize what, Sam?!”

“What the hell does a man have to do to be loved by you?!” He stopped in front of you, his face less than a foot from your own, breaths coming out heavy and uneven. His tone was angry and frantic, but his face was sad and pleading. Desperate, wanting. Begging.

“Tell me! Enlighten me, please! What do I have to do for you to love me back?!” You felt your entire body turn cold and rigid as Sam confessed his love to you, a small gasp hung in the back of your throat.

“You always come to me crying. Angry. Longing… And it kills me everytime! I hate seeing you cry. I hate knowing that when we hang up you cry yourself to sleep because I know you hate sleeping alone. I am in agony over you, constantly. So what do I have to do?” His voice was as pleading as his eyes this time. All of him begging for you to see him. To love him. To love him the way he loved you. You began to feel your throat and chest tighten as tears pricked your eyes.

“What more do I need to do to show you that you are loved? That I love you?! That I have always loved you? You want someone to look at you like that? I do. I have always been right. here.” He punctuated the last two words with anger and sorrow causing you to blink as they flew from his mouth.

“Sam, I- I never-“ You began to speak, but Sam cut you off.

“You never what? Noticed?” He spat, causing you to recoil slightly and take a step back as you nodded your head.

“You never noticed because you’re too busy watching happy couples and feeling sorry for yourself! Maybe if you looked at me, you would’ve noticed I’ve been looking at you. Waiting for you.” You stood still letting what he said sink in. He was right. You had been so self-absorbed that you didn’t realize Sam had been there all along.

Every bad date, every phone call, all the times you cried to him and he would suggest there was someone out there who loved you, that your time for love was maybe around the corner. While you had been waiting for love, he had been waiting for you. Waiting for you to notice him. To love him.

Tears uncontrollably rolled down your cheeks as you stood there in silence, staring at one another while lightning illuminated the room more frequently, the storm approaching faster. Sam instantly softened at the sight of tears littering your face, beginning to smear your makeup.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Please don’t cry, Angel.” He sighed, raising his hands up to your cheeks to pat away the tears as they continued to fall, not wanting to ruin your makeup any further.

“No, Sam, you’re right. I’ve only been thinking of myself. All I ever do is talk about my feelings and what’s wrong with me and my love life. Not only have I been a terrible friend, but I’ve also been missing what's right in front of me.” You brought your hand to lay over his, leaning your face into his touch and closing your eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I truly don’t deserve you in any way.”

“Hey, don’t do that. Look at me, Angel.” He lifted his hand from your face to skirt his fingers down your cheek to the underside of your jaw and finally stopped under your chin, angling your face up to his. His other hand dropped to your hip, resting lightly. Your eyes fluttered open instantly being met with his milk chocolate irises, a smile growing on his face.

“Hi.” He breathed out as his hand under your chin fell to rest on your other hip, holding you close to him.

“Hey.” It came out as a broken whisper, barely audible, even to your own ears.

“I’m going to kiss you now. Okay?” His breath fanned across your face while he spoke, and you nodded your head giving him permission. His right hand snaked up from your waist to cradle the back of your neck as he leaned in closer, sending chills across your body. His lips were soft and gentle against your own, and you found yourself melting into him. The kiss only lasted a few moments before he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours and sighing, eyes still shut. You felt as though you were frozen in time, stuck like this for an eternity, overtaken by his presence. His intoxicating, woodsy smell mixed with a hint of cologne, the way his hands felt on you, how beautiful he was with his eyes closed, and content.

“Sam?”

His eyes met yours at the mention of his name being whispered into the air.

“Yeah?” He whispered back, eyes flicking between yours trying to gauge your reaction. Your hand found purchase on his cheek, cupping the left side of his face.

“Kiss me again?”

“Anything for you, Angel.” A smile stretched across his face before he leaned in once again to kiss you. His lips met yours, gliding against your own with a feeling of something deeper behind this kiss than the first. It was more passionate, hungry even. His tongue swept across your bottom lip eliciting a sigh from you which Sam swallowed down as he took the opportunity to let his tongue roam the inside of your mouth, trailing along the roof. Your brain finally catching up, your tongue met his. Sam’s fingers dug into your waist at the feeling of your tongues dancing against one another, and pulled you impossibly closer.

He pulled away again, this time bringing his lips to your ear. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to kiss you. What do you say we get out of here?” His breathing was labored and heavy against your skin sending tingles throughout your body.

“I’d like that very much.” You beamed, Sam taking your hand in his and leading you out into the stormy night where rain was pouring from the heavens, effectively soaking you both from head to toe. Without a care for the rain falling from the sky, Sam stopped abruptly using his grasp on your hand to pull you into him, kissing you for a third time that night, his lips spreading into a smile mid-kiss.

“Sam, what’re you doing? We’re going to get soaked out here.” You smiled into the kiss as well, a giggle bubbling past your lips.

“Just wanted to kiss you in the rain is all.” He pushed the strands of damp hair out of your face with both of his large hands, peppering it with kisses as he did so causing you to erupt into a fit of laughter.

“Think we could do this in your car? I kinda have to return this dress.” You laughed as you felt a shiver begin at the top of your skull and travel down your spine, making your whole body shake. Sam shrugged his blazer off and draped it around your shoulders, smiling at you sweetly, although it didn’t do much as it was already wet and cold from the weather. He placed a quick kiss to the tip of your nose before intertwining his fingers with your own and dragging you off towards his car.

“Anything for you, Angel.”

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