notsunshine

[notsunshine]

Permission to love

Everyone I've let love me

Always made me think

It doesn’t get better than this

No one else would praise me in such a poetic way

No one else would comfort me like this

No one else would make my heart feel like it went deeper inside my chest

No one else could make me this happy

No one else can make feel so pathetic

No one else can make me feel so invalidated and unseen

No one else would write songs to comfort me

No one else would be ready to fight for me

No one else would care about my well being like this

No one else would want me to be happy like this

No one else can make me feel so helpless

No one else can make me regret like this

No one else can make me feel lonelier

No one else can be this inconsiderate

No one else would try to actually get to know me

No one else would love me for who i am

No one else would try to love me the way i feel loved

No one else would want to see me succeed like this

No one else can make me feel like such an idiot

No one else can make me so mad

No one else can make me feel so frustrated

No one else can make me wonder if i have any self respect at all

I have let them love me

Did i let myself love them?

[notsunshine]

In another life

There are no other lives

This is it

But if there was

How i wish there was

I wish i were born a man

A life cherished

A life easier

A life where i can wear whatever

I can go anywhere

I can breathe

And it won't be wrong

I can breathe

And it won't be a burden

I can breathe

And i won't be sinning for breathing as me

I wouldn’t be called a sinner for wanting an identity

I wouldn’t be called a sinner for trying to be a person

If i were a man

Would i be a good one?

Would i understand struggle and hardship i haven’t been through?

What even is a good man?

One that doesn’t hit

One that raises voice but doesn’t hit

One that curses but doesn’t hit

One that dictates your life but doesn’t hit

A decent man

The one that doesn’t rape

The one that stares but doesn’t grab

The one that threatens but doesn’t force

An honourable man

Is one that provides

He hits but only when you deserve it

He yells but you had it coming

He touches without consent but only to teach you that you're asking for it

A man is to be too young to understand

A man is to be too important to be held accountable

A man is to lose yourself to your hormones

A man is to be made that way

A man is to be given another chance

A man seems to be a lot of things to a lot of people

To me

To be a man

To want to be a man

In another life

Was to be human

[notsunshine]

Would you have loved me if you had loved yourself more?

In a world where you love you and i love i

where you put yourself first and i put myself first

Would the poets call that love

Would the romantics call that love

Would you have loved me if you had loved yourself

Would i have loved you if i had loved myself

What if a little more

Would we not?

But we wouldn’t would we

We have gaps

You dont love parts of yourself

I dont love parts of myself

Maybe you can take a step towards me

And i can take a step towards you

I'll love your rejected pieces

You can love mine

Then we'll be whole right?

Like puzzle pieces

When we're together?

There will be no unloved pieces of us

As we'll complete each other

But would we?

Would you really love those pieces of me?

Would i love those pieces of you?

We wont would we

We're only human

Therefore

I'll love myself wholly

So you love yourself wholly

Then we'll be complete

Not because of each other

But beside each other

I'll love myself so i can love you

So love me

Because i am loveable yes

Because you chose to love me yes

But please love me

Because you are filled with love

Please love me because you are loveable

Please love me because you love yourself

Let's not be puzzle pieces

Let's be paintings

That depict different stories and emotions

In harmony

Next to each other

Be the flute to my harp

chotpoti to my fuchka

spoon to my fork

Day to my night

Cloud on my sky

[notsunshine]

Everyone says you're special

There is not another like you

All of them do

Yet it takes them nothing

To find someone else

No one is special

I dont have to be

You choose someone

Knowing they're nothing special

That's what makes them special

[notsunshine]

Due misery

I had an epiphany

Being happy didn’t mean i moved on

Not being bitter

Not being upset

Not crying

Not feeling my heart sinking

Still didn’t mean i moved on

I realised i had to stop thinking about you for once

I had to forget you exist

You had to be someone i remember once in a while and cringe at myself

I couldn’t wonder what you're doing

I couldn’t wonder how you're doing

I couldn’t wonder what would happen to you

And say i moved on

And say It's okay now

Cause It's not

I'm stuck

I'm distracted

It's hard because i didn’t get closure

It's hard because i didn’t get to see your real face

So my brain comes up with stupid reasons

Of why it all could be

Maudlin brain

What tomfoolery

I detest it

But It's the truth

I have misery due

I have to be miserable first

To get better

The poison has to burn

Only then it leaves

The cut has to bleed

Only then it closes

It's not because you are worthy

You are nothing

nothing without what i made you to be

It's because i am pristine

Hence i am here

Writing about you

It's all grandiose

Just like you

I'm being grandiloquent

Like you have been all this time

None of that matters anymore

I have misery due

I shall drown in it

Until none of it is left

And everything will be fine again

These times would feel evanescent

Except i will be missing another piece of my heart

One that was traded for another lesson

Perhaps there will be a day

Where i would consist of lessons only

Atleast i wouldn’t have misery due anymore

[notsunshine]

Ill give you my favorite adjective

Saccharine

You were saccharine to me once

Maybe that's why i felt for you

I've run our story over and over again in my head

It changes everytime

Once you turn into a mastermind of a wicked play

Once you turn into a fatuous boy

I'm not sure what happend anymore

I'm not sure what you did

I'm not sure what you felt

I'm only sure how i feel

Because i can't not be

I feel it deeply inside my body

Ever since i found out you're not mine

Ever since i found out you were never mine

Ever since i found out It's too late

I realise It's not simple

To only me perhaps

To you it might be

It might be as banal as the sun rising

It might be as hackneyed as the day ending

It might be as simple as falling for you was for me

The more i belabor about us i realise

It was all me

very little you very much me

sadly It's a postulation

as i am terrified of the very fact of you knowing how i feel

mortified by you confirming my postulation

That it was indeed me and me

me and me that wanted you to want me

Saccharine is my favorite adjective

Not because you were saccharine once upon a time

Because i wanted to be saccharine

For you

To you

I'll give you this word

I know you like words

You said you liked mine

Then you also said you like hers

I'll give you this word as a parting gift

You can gift it to her

You can throw it away

I give you my dear adjective

I take back my heart

I give you my favorite word

Cause i cant leave you empty

I give you this word instead of the one you deserve

Because I'm not sure what happened between us

And if there is even a miniscule possibility

That i pained you.

That you were truly saccharine

And that i let you go

I give you my favorite adjective

I take back my heart

Maybe this time

You’ll accept it

You’ll keep it safe

[notsunshine]

I know It's love on your part

I know It's care

I know you want to protect me

Trust me i know

I understand

I know you're trying

I put band aids all over me

They're keeping me together

They're not letting me falling apart

Somehow

Barely

I'm holding on

Still in one piece

On the verge of breaking down

But still not

Then you come

You rip off a band aid i so carefully placed

I panic and try to fix it

I cover it with my hand

I cover the crack

I cover the void

There's no blood

It ran dry

There's just void

I hold on to it for dear life

But you

You rip off another one

And another one

And one more

You expose me

Take off my band aids

You expose my voids

The gaping holes

With nothing inside

Now It's all out in the open

All for show

Surprisingly

I'm still together

All of me

I didn’t break apart

I'm still one piece

That's what you wanted to do

Show me that i dont need the band aids

That the void is okay

That i have nothing to lose

But i dont like my voids

I dont like that I'm empty on the inside

That underneath those covers there's nothing

Nothing to love

Nothing to hate

Nothing

I wish i died

When the cover came off

Being empty

I'd rather break apart

[notsunshine]

Untitled

Dear sunshine,

It's funny that i met you

That i can't forget you

That I'm writing after so long right now because of you

Blame my heart

I couldnt help it

Couldn’t help not write about you

Ask me why i like you

Ask me why i love you

It's because you are you

Really

Sunshine peeking behind clouds

A light so warm so brightening

It feels filthy

To be me

Feels pathetic to bask in your light

Not only are u not mine

Not only are we not meant to be

As if that didn’t hurt less

You are someone else's

So it feels like a dagger stabbing my heart

Over and over again

But what can i do

I cant not love you

I am not sunshine

But i guess i needed some in my life

Hence you appeared

Dearest beloved sunshine

Sunshine that's not mine

Because I'm not sunshine

Nor do i deserve one

[notsunshine]

I am no longer my poetry, only the dead remain here

[notsunshine]

Flowerless

I'll grow up, i always do

It'll go away, it always does

And everything will be fine again

And everything will be normal again

Except another piece of my heart will go missing

But that's how It'll be normal

That's what's normal

That's what's fine

Maybe one day

It will be gone entirely

And i wont have to grow up anymore

I wont have to learn things the hard way

I wont feel happiness atleast i wont feel pain

I dont want flowers that come with thorns

I'd rather have no flower at all.

I'd rather be flowerless.

[notsunshine]

Bittersweet companion

Don't cry

Don't

Dear teardrop

Stop

You can't come out now

If you do

They'll know

They'll know it hurts

They'll know I'm weak

They'll know

They'll know

But they wont know

Ever

They wont ever know

They'll assume

Everything

But the truth

They'll believe to be the truth

They'll never understand you

Why you come when I'm angry

Why you come when I'm happy

Why you come when I'm proud

Why you dont come when I'm sad

Why you dont come when I'm desperate

You'll make it worse

You always do

No one likes you

You make everyone dislike me aswell

They think you're in my control

They dont know how much i try to stop you

Tell you to wait

Tell you to go away

You protest

Don't listen to me

You make those lumps in my throat

You make my voice tremble

You make my chest heavier

As you district me like that

You find your way out

Fooling me

And getting your way

And in a second

Everything I've built

Falls apart

There came a time

I learned to control you

I learned to deal with you

You agreed to appear later

You agreed to wait

You played along

Now

You're gone completely

You dont appear no matter what happens

Did you also get tired of me

Did you also see the hopeless being i am

Is that why you gave up on me?

Without you

It feels empty

It feels as if something is missing

You were a part of me nonetheless

The part i hid from the world

Now you're hiding from me

I can't find you

But you’re still there

I can feel you

Promise me you’ll come back to me

Not because I'm weak

Because it got better

There came a time

When you weren’t seen as my weakness

You weren’t my flaw

But you expressed me as you meant to

And everyone tried to understand you

Saw you as you are

So dear teardrop

Stop

Enough hiding

It's time to be back

I'm too dumb

To know

What i feel

Without you

You're the proof

The validation

I have

I only have

To feel

[notsunshine]

What is love

I want you

To strangle me

To project all your anger

All your hatred

All your disappointment

On me

Do the worst you can

Do it till i can't take it no more

Do it till i break

I want you to break me

Please

Please do so

Don't bring me near the edges

Don't make me stand at the edge of a cliff

And stop

Do it

Push me

Don't Just put your hands around my neck

Strangle me

Give it your all

I want it to end

I dont want to go near the end

Again and again

Every single time

Showing me the glimpse of the worst

And leaving it at that

It's too cruel

Too brutal

It makes me feel invalidated

It makes me doubt my pain

Doubt my self

Just do the worst

So i can hate you

So i can curse you out

Wish for you to be gone

I want you to end me

And feel bad about it

See the results of your actions

That it just doesn’t go away

When you pretend it never happend

That it stays

That it affects

That it has consequences

I want you to see

Feel

Realise

How horrible you are

How much i dont deserve this

What you have done to me

I want you to mourn my end

I want you to hate yourself

For who you are

For what you do to me

I dont think I'll ever be able to unlearn

All you’ve taught me

All your hatred

All your love

That's what you’ve taught me

Love is hate

Hate is love

Love is pain

Pain is love

[notsunshine]

An ordinary day

An ordinary day

Everyday things

Trivial matters

Minor issues

Nothing out of the ordinary

Nothing out of the ordinary

Minor issues with minor implications

Trivial matters with implications

Everyday things with implications

It doesn’t matter no one is saying it

There's no need to

When you're comfortable

When you let your guard down

You show your true self

You might not

But when in a case of danger the first name your mouth blurts out does

The first person you look for

The first person you're worried about

The first person you hold

The first person you reach out

That says everything

The way there's no second person

The way there's no third person

That says it all

Implications

Small matters

Small incidents

But your actions speak louder then words

And your actions tell me you dont love me

And your actions tell me you dont care

And your actions tell me you forget i exist

And your action tells me I'm not the first person the second or the third

And your actions tell me I'm not a priority

I never was

I never will.

I need to die

For you to remember me

I need to be bad

For you to see me

I need to disappear

So you’ll look for me

Cause my love doesn’t reach you

Cause you can't see my tears

Cause you can't hear my screams

Cause you turn your back on me when i seek you out

You act like

It's an ordinary day

Trivial matters

Minor issues

Nothing out of the ordinary

That's what you believe

That's what you tell me

That's what you want me to believe

But i see more then you show me

But i hear more then you let me

I understand more then you want

Implications

The implications

That tell me what i am to you

You want me to pretend

That It's not real

That i dont know

I do that

I do

I turn a blind eye

I look away

I hide

But everytime i do so

The sharp piece of glass stuck in my heart

Your supposed love

It goes a bit deeper

Bleeds a little bit more

Hurts a bit more

But goes away instantly as i am used to it

As it is nothing out of the ordinary

Everyday things

Trivial matters

Minor issues

Another ordinary day

I do wonder

One day

If the glass pieces will have nowhere else to cut

If blood will run dry

Will it hurt?

Will the hurt hurt?

Or will the hurt be so familiar that it doesn’t hurt

Just like now

Will it be another ordinary day

[notsunshine]

Saviour

If a car runs me over

Is that killing me

If someone locks me in a room unknowingly and i suffocate to death

Is that killing me

If someone takes me away and i never come back

Is that killing me

If i see a car coming over and dont move

If i know someone is locking me but i dont say im here

If i let someone take me away

Is that killing me

If i come intront of the car

If i pretend i'm not in the room

If i ask someone to take me away

Is that killing me

Is that truly killing me

Or is it not

Or is not saving me

Or is it not sparing me

Or is it not saving me from what is living

Or is it not saving me from what is killing me that is living

If i don’t make it

Who killed me

Was it them

Was it me

Who saved me

Was it them

Was it me

[notsunshine]

Homesick

I'm not in love

So why does everything seem prettier

The sky

The tree infront of my house

The flowers in my garden

The flowers in my neighbours garden

The buildings

The people

I wake up in the morning

I feel great for no reason

My eyes light up

A smile finds my face

A sunny day makes me happy

A rainy day makes me excited

A cloudy day takes my breath away

I look prettier than ever

Everything is on point

Without any effort

I don’t dislike the idea of anything

I'm up for going out

I'm up for cooking

Cleaning doesn’t sound like a bad idea

Chocolates relieve my stress

Flowers make me feel loved

Cats make my insides warm

Looking at my mother feels like a blessing

These are normal things

Everyone is attached with

Why did it take me so long

To like this

To find comfort in small things

To find happiness around me

To find home

At home

To find home

Near me

Why did i feel homesick before

Why was i uncomfortable in my own skin

Always cautious

Always careful

As if I'm in a situation that calls for attention

As if i need to stay on my toes to survive

As if it will be over and I'll go home

Home

Everything feels like home now

Other people's house doesn’t feel as uncomfortable

People don’t

I don’t make me uncomfortable

My mistakes

My flaws

My lackings

Don't

Maybe because

I have been strong

I endured

I held on

I forgave people without them asking for it

I left those who never stayed

I let go of unnecessary things

Expectations

Comparisons

Self hatred

Fear

Now I'm left with nothing

I have space

To occupy

Rather than occupying unnecessary thoughts

I occupy love

Interest

Affection

Peace

Peace doesn’t have a separate room

Peace is all over the place

Peace owns the place

I didn’t have a home

Never found one

But i built one

Not with someone else

Someplace else

I built it

In me

I am home

My peace is

My love is

When i feel this state of peace

Delight

Comfort

I am at home

I am home

Everything feels like home

I feel loveable

Wanted

Capable

I dont have to be in the best condition

My grades

My appearance

My skills

It doesn’t have to be top notch

To feel comfortable in my own skin

To feel like home

It took me time

To built this home

That's why It's so strong

From the foundation being my lovely trauma

From the furniture being my lovely childhood

The walls are my broken relationships

The ceiling is that one day i cried for hours nonstop

Windows and doors are my broken friendships

Every brick contains every tear i ever shed

The roof is my faith in my Creator

Protecting me all the way

That's how my home was built

It's not fancy

Not perfect

But It's so strong

No storm

No hurricane

No fire

Can bring this house down

Home

Truly

Has to be built

By yourself

[notsunshine]

Opening my eyes

My role model

My inspiration

My star

That's what you were

Growing up

I saw how everyone hated you

It hurt me

They didn’t know better

I thought

You don't deserve that

They don't understand you

I do

And i did everything to be by your side

I defended you

I believed you

You weren’t what they made you to be

All i ever wanted

Was for you to be satisfied

Be proud

Of me

If you had only one person

I wanted to be that for you

The more time passed

The more i could see

Who you were

But i closed my eyes

I chose not to see

I told myself no one is perfect

You had your reasons

I rationalised your behaviour

I tried to understand you

I did

I really did

I smiled

I faked it

So it makes you feel better

I knew you love me

So i tried to seem happy

Cheerful

In hopes to comfort you

In hopes that it would make you feel better

I tried to show you love

In every way i could

Only to find out

My fake smiles

Meant nothing to you

It is not my happiness that makes you happy

Because maybe i wasn’t all that special to you afterall

Because all you did to others

You did to me

You made me feel small

You made me feel sorry for being me

You put fear in me

Now i cannot be comfortable in your presence

Now i cannot unsee all your doings

I still try to understand

But what i don't understand

Is did i really deserve all this

You couldn’t have treated

The one person who loved you with their all

More horribly

Father

You have broken me

In ways i can never be mended again

Bringing me home in a yellow taxi

Being the happiest when i was born

Carrying me on your back until i fall asleep every night

Always thinking of me

Always caring about me

You were a great father

You truly were

I grew up looking at you

Like you were the brightest star in the sky

I grew up

Knowing I'll forever have you

Knowing you’ll protect me

But you were the first person

To stab me

Why are you standing there

In every nightmare

Called memories

That i never wish to recall

[notsunshine]

Beside me

I cried next to you

I died next to you

My heart broke

Next to you

You were next to me

You always have been

But you were never

Beside me

You were never there for me

You were

But you weren’t

You couldn’t even tell

That i was breaking apart

Right next to you

That i was losing myself

That you were losing me

You never looked at me

How would you know

When you did

All you saw if i was proper

You never tried to look inside me

You could never see

Past the proper face

You never wanted to

Yet you wonder

Why i don’t let you in

Or do you really

Maybe you're not even aware

That there's a place to let you in

How would you

Have you ever looked at me

Did you ever think of me

Anything other than your doll