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[ourtinycorner-blog1]

how do you overcome anxiety?

i’d really like to know.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

My Fear of Failure

I know what you’re thinking. Wow, scared of failing. How original. Not like that isn’t a fear in everyone. Not like you’re the only one that screws up every once in a while.

And, well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I’m writing this and posting it to the Internet either (a perfect place for exploitation of your greatest worries). Maybe because I want to know that I’m not alone. That I’m not the only person suffering this seemingly harmless fear.

Apparently, the correct form for failure phobia is “atychiphobia”, which is when your fear takes an extreme form. So imagine being slightly nervous for a test, and multiply that by a hundred or something.

I’m not here to provide a sob story of why I’m like why I am. But my self-esteem has never had a track record so I can see why failure has such a big impact on me. I seem to go through a cycle whenever I fail at doing something. My emotions don’t have a timer, but I’ll use time as an example to show when these parts of the cycle occur. We start at eleven pm when I’ve just received the news that I failed. 

1. The first part, of course, will be to mope. I’ll just sit on my bed, a complete pathetic mess, and cry or scream or throw things like a kid. I’ll forget about my dignity, everything I’ve worked for because I’m so mad, I’m so upset that I’ve failed yet again. This goes from eleven to twelve am. 

2. Then, I’ll beat myself up. I’ll tell myself I can never be good enough for anyone or anything. I’ll reflect on the mistakes I made and wistfully wish I could go back in time and try a little harder, practice a little longer - basically anything that destroys your hope. It doesn’t matter how many successes I’ve had, in that moment my world is collapsing and I can’t stop myself from tearing myself apart with hate. It’s in these hours that I absolutely despise myself. I look at myself in the mirror and say these horrible things just to wallow in the pain. Usually, this persistent berating of mine lasts a few hours. From twelve to about two I’m just internally dead.

3. Slowly, I drag myself out of the tunnel and begin my recovery process. It’s like coming out of the fog; suddenly, you can start to see shapes form and words connect and it doesn’t seem too bad. I get a renewed sense of hope like maybe the next time I try whatever it is, I’ll succeed. During this time, I tend to write about inspirational or hopeful sayings or even poetry, to keep my mind occupied. In my eyes, if I’m productive, pushing out good writing, that’ll numb the still-fresh pain. And I have time to rebuild my self-esteem. This doesn’t last that long because the realization of your failure is much stronger than your hope, so I’d say this occurs from two to two-thirty.

4. And finally, relapse. Any hope I had from recovery is automatically demolished as I go over what happened and repeat it in my mind. It’s the most unhealthy part of the whole process but thankfully, the shortest. I’d say it lasts from two-thirty to two-forty-five. 

From that point on, I recover. It’ll take a few lapses, when I just stop and freak out about everything I’ve done wrong, but eventually, you get over it. And I tend to have different reactions. Sometimes I’ll be determined to do better next time, and other times I’ll be discouraged from trying it ever again. 

Unfortunately, nowadays, failure seems to be cropping up in every aspect of life. Just today, my friends and I were out and one of them was trying to learn to skateboard. I wanted to try it, but my fear of failure stopped me. Which is ridiculous, because my friends are some of the least judgmental people I know. My friend failed multiple times, but she still got on it each time and tried to do it right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even do some of the things I want to so desperately because I’m so, so scared that I’ll fail.

I always have a habit of telling people that I’m going to “fail” or that I’m not going to do well because I don’t want them to have such high expectations for me. I feel like I’m going to fail them, and they’ll be disappointed, and I’ll feel incredibly guilty for that. 

It’s ridiculous, right? You only get through life by failing and learning from your mistakes. And instead of going out in the real world, taking risks, screwing up every now and then, I’m holed up in my insecurities. I’m not going anywhere, moving forward, because I am so trapped in this fear of failure. I can’t learn this because what if I can’t? and I can’t run that because what if I can’t? and I can’t take that because what if I can’t?

What’s even worse is my utter refusal to try. If I don’t try I don’t fail. That’s the mindset I’m having. And it’s terrible. If I don’t try I don’t know what could happen. Anytime I’m doing anything remotely competitive, I just don’t try. If the ball comes to me, I’ll miss it on purpose just to create this shield over me. Because then, it doesn’t matter if I fail, as I obviously wasn’t trying hard in the first place.

I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to give it your all. No matter what happens, when I near the end, I throw everything away. I throw away the practice because in those final, important moments, I convince I’m hopeless and I end up failing just like I expected. It’s not healthy, and I’m sick and tired of pretending I don’t care or I don’t want to do something when it’s really the opposite.

So, I don’t know. I just hope that you guys aren’t suffering the same problem. I’m still trying to figure out for myself what I’m supposed to do to combat this. If you know what I’m talking about, though, please leave a comment. Tell me how you deal with it. If you’ve gotten over it in the first place. 

I’m feeling terribly alone because it seems like my fear is way more intensified than it usually is in my friends or family. It’s stupid, I know, but I think I’d feel more at comfort if I knew I’m not the only person that feels confined within her own walls. 

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

Humanity’s Story

In this story of humanity

I'm afraid the ending can only be tragic.

You read the prologue and you are drawn in so quickly

The plot swallows you and spits you right out,

So you smack your head on a blurry line in the

middle

of the book.

Perhaps you can't read, your literary skills are lacking;

But you can clearly find numbers.

You find numbers, and you find bolded words that look scary

And quite possibly some are underlined to emphasize

From your lofty view, you might examine some pictures

They're not the colorful, happy ones you find in your short books

These are graphic photos that document a horrible point.

In heaven, the harps are serenading their sorrowful melodies,

Down in hell, the drums are pounding lethargic pulses

Each beat in harmony with the ones that never played.

For a while, you can't understand what madness would drive such a plot twist

Whose right was it,

Whose damn right was it to take the air out of children's lungs

And fill them with smoke.

You don't know how sick someone could be.

And you want this person to be submerged in guilt.

You don't want these victims to hurt anymore.

And just when the story is in the heart of the darkness,

The pitch-black night where not a single street lamp is lit,

You can feel it.

You can feel the thrum of support behind you, in front of you

All around you, encompassing you with love.

You may hear evil voices whispering about,

You may not perceive where you can go from here,

The taste of calamity waiting on your tongue

And the fear caressing your arm -

But you are sure of one thing.

You are confident in the everyday heroes dangling their life on the line

To save more.

You believe in the daily champions rushing here and there,

Calling him and her,

Desperately seeking the reunition of families.

You trust in the brave police officers, firefighters, men, women, doctors, nurses.

You find that some of the most hopeless nights

Bring out the best in people.

They shove us all together to let us know that we are in this life

Together.

That we can't lose sight of who we are,

We can't forget our morals and our humanity,

Not when everyone needs each other so fiercely.

Hold on to one another;

There's no other way to stay afloat.

And if you slip, and you start to fall off,

We'll form a line. We’ll pull you up.

You haven't reached the ending to your book yet, why stop reading?

Humans can be horrible, pitiless creatures,

But they can also be good and empathetic and loyal.

It's not in our nature to be bad -

You just have to wait long enough to see that.

After the recent attack in Manchester, I felt like I was missing something. This was that something. I wanted to write something to give us all a little faith in these dark times. To any victims that were involved, I’m sorry, and my prayers and thoughts will be with you. I just hope that we’ll be able to recover from this. Stay safe. Love will prevail the hatred.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

The Reality of Being a Teenager

It’s weird. All of it. I remember when I was in fifth grade and I was constantly reading these young adult novels about teenagers falling in love, having sex, drinking, going to parties, I was in awe. Not about the matters themselves, just the experience that I was going to have. I would think to myself how badly I wanted to be in high-school and how different it would be. I thought that I’d get to be that rebellious girl sitting on the roof of a building, staring off into the sunset.

Looking back, I definitely overhyped it. I was so consumed with this idea of loving someone, of rediscovering myself that I was dissatisfyingly let down when it all began to happen. Instead of going to wild parties and getting wasted - the quintessential teenage experience - I stayed home, watched YouTube videos, and did homework. I didn’t “play” the fuckboys, didn’t “tame” the bad boys, didn’t “change” the nerdy boys. I didn’t do anything, in fact.

And sure, the inspiration for so many teen fiction stories has come from real life. I know many of my peers who lose their V-card early on, I know some host and attend parties where underage drinking is perfectly okay. In a way, what I imagined all those years ago is true. It does happen. But my participation in those things was miscalculated.

Here’s what being a teenager is really like. Waking up every morning and finding the struggle to get out of bed unlike any other. Trying and failing to stay awake in class, when your head just keeps dipping down but you suddenly jerk up again. Having tiny, minuscule crushes that won’t mean anything in a few weeks or two. Maybe even a relationship, if they go far. Trivial friend drama that probably takes control of your mind for a few days, until you all forgive each other and become friends again...or hold a hard grudge and not talk. It’s having bad skin, being quite unhealthy, growing up, and trying to fit in. 

So if you’re worried about what might happen, like younger me was, don’t. It’s an important phase in your life, yes, but still just a phase. You make mistakes, and you learn. It’s as simple as that. Just know that it’s a rollercoaster, and no matter how big and steep a drop is, you can always climb right back up again.

Breathe. And it’ll get better.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

Why All Opinions Are Valid Regardless of Age

As a decently young teenager making her way through the world, there’s nothing that annoys me more than others telling me that I’m not allowed to have a voice because of my age. 

The truth is, generations are maturing faster and faster as time goes on. This is because children are more exposed to the Internet, which is where you do most of the growing up (I don’t have any problem with that). Online, there aren’t filters meant for children, and many truths come out that aren’t usually revealed in school. So why are people so against younger kids thinking deeper?

I’m pretty sure the whole age superiority thing is a built-in feeling we have. Like, when you’re in fifth grade in elementary school, you feel so much stronger and more powerful than the first graders, and the same can be said about being a senior, a CEO - any position that puts you higher than others, essentially. 

Stereotypes also play a pretty important role in this judgment. For example, if you say you’re - let’s say twelve - people automatically assume you’re another cringey, self-absorbed preteen with a voice higher than your IQ. If you say you’re fifteen, then the stereotype that you’re a rebellious, angsty, carefree teenager comes to mind, so on and so forth. In society, it seems like unless you’re a legitimate adult (eighteen and older) your opinions aren’t valid because you’re too “young”. That you shouldn’t be online and you should be playing around and having fun in your childhood.

So yes, that does make sense. Technically, based on my age, I shouldn’t be worrying about life, I should be having the time of my life while I still can. However, what I think most people don’t consider is that everyone matures at a different time at a different rate. Some mature much later in life, some mature very early on, and some don’t mature at all. The way in which you matured will be completely different compared to the way someone else matured. It’s just a fact that no one’s the same, and I think it’s important to recognize that.

One thing that isn’t different is my opinions and my thoughts. They are just valid as any adult’s. In fact, I find myself agreeing with many adults, despite our age differences. What you think, how you feel, and what you say should not be degraded based on your age. Similarly, the mistakes you make and actions you take should not be excused because you’re “young” or “old” - it can go both ways. Everyone should be held accountable for who they are. 

If any preteens, teenagers, or young adults are reading this right now - your opinions matter. You have a voice and a very important one at that. You hold the future of our world in your hands and damned if people try to step on your hopes and dreams. You can do whatever you want and your age should not be shackling you down. If people try to take away your platform, you should fight for it. 

To me, it’s exhausting to know that our society is still indoctrinated with the belief that unless you’re an adult, you won’t be accepted for your ideas because you’re clearly not old enough to have them. In a few decades, we’ll be the ones solving the world’s never-ending issues. We might as well make it clear what we want as early as possible, yeah?

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

“I am the girl sleeping with your boyfriend” Rant

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a9199232/other-woman-confession-cheating-stories/

While aimlessly reading Snapchat stories to pass off time, I came across this article, and let me tell you nothing got my blood boiling faster. Basically, it’s another person talking about their experiences and how they are pretty much the “side hoe” in every doomed relationship. The girl claims to be cursed with finding men who are already committed to someone else. And looking past whoever this girl may be and her fucked up morals, I came to the conclusion that she is the exact reason why I have completely lost hope in humanity.

To start off, she writes about how she’s not a bad person, per se. She doesn’t go out of her way to find men in relationships, dive in, and drag the guy away from his partner. She also adds in examples of how good a girl she is, like the fact she donates to charity, has family and friends that love her, cry at, and I quote, “long-lost-family reality shows”, and is overall nice. Alright, I’ll give her some leeway with how terribly she writes the article, and yes, I’ll disregard the part where she proves her virtues through crying over long-lost-family reality shows...because that just makes you such a good person.... Here’s the thing about people. We’re nasty creatures. I can’t tell you how many people I see on a daily basis that I know are faking everything, from their appearance to their personality. Just because you adopt the behaviors of an ordinary, average human being, does not in any way show that you are as good as you claim to be. In fact, the way this girl emphasized herself so much and put herself in a good light just automatically sends red flags my way. 

In my experience, as someone who’s seen persuasive essays and written persuasive essays, I know the technique she’s trying to use here. It’s pretty much what I call “Hansel and Gretel” -- she’s fattening herself up, putting herself in a nice light, so that when you find out about what she actually does, you aren’t as angry. Softening the blow. Let’s be honest, when you read the title of the article, you probably weren’t too inclined to read further about someone that steals the person you love from you continually.

Now going off on that point, I’m not trying to say that the men aren’t at fault. Oh, they sure are. Whether the girl coerced them or not, flirted with them or not, they still made the conscious decision (at least in most cases) to cheat. I’m not letting them off the hook and they definitely need to be held accountable for what they’ve done. 

The main thing I have a huge problem with is how this girl says that it’s not only once that she’s doing this, it’s multiple times. She says she’s “cursed” with only finding men that are already committed to other people. But she feels no sympathy or pity for the affected party, because she doesn’t know them. And their boyfriend/husband chose her over them, which means they weren’t enough in the first place. I’m sorry...mm, not really, but this girl has gone from spouting bullshit to going completely fucking insane. You don’t feel sympathy because you don’t know them? Well, I have a question for you. When you’re sobbing over those long-lost-family reality shows, why the fuck do you care? It’s not like you know them personally. 

What I see here is a girl that knows she’s in the wrong, but is trying to appear like she’s in the right. Here’s the girl that’s always been the one insinuating the cheating, but never actually on the receiving end. I’m sure that if she ever fell in love with someone, only to realize they were cheating on her with someone else, she would have much different opinions. In so many of these situations, she’s clearly the one “winning”, if that’s even the right term. She gets the guy, and she gets the confidence knowing that he chose her over his partner. She’s not losing anything, so why the hell would she feel bad? God, there are so many parts about this girl that are just straight up messed up, I don’t even know what to say. Get a therapist? Oh, wait. Apparently, she already has one. Well, I don’t know what to say. How about isolate yourself from the human species? We’re already doomed as it is. I don’t think anyone wants any of your stupidity to spread.

Finally, I just want to say something about the last bit. Okay...that’s a lie. I would love to say something about every bit, but I’m afraid I can’t afford enough time to do that, as much as I would love to. And, well, unfortunately I’m not in a position where she’ll see this and realize that what she’s doing is just so...wrong. Wrong isn’t even the word to describe it. I look at this girl, her writing, what her personality must be like, and I just feel disgusted. Absolutely revolted. I can’t even comprehend how anyone can be this way and not feel the urge to puke when they’re looking at themselves in the mirror. 

Anyway, she says, “the reality of being the sidechick is that as exciting and as flattering as it may be at first, the realisation that I will always be second best eventually takes the shine off, and things inevitably fizzle out. Then it’s on to the next shiny new already-someone’s-boyfriend, and so the vicious cycle continues.”

I...give me a moment. No, I need longer than that. Okay, let me get things straight. This girl not only pursues a relationship with a taken man. She not only feels no remorse for the affected person. She also ends the relationship within a short time, just like that? Have you not done enough? First you take part in fucking up a relationship, now you fuck up the guy too? I mean, actually, now that I think about it, that’s not too bad because he deserves it, but I think you put the guy through enough torture when he was with you. The way she talks seems like these guys are nothing to her, just “shiny objects”. Once she’s done having her fun with them, she throws them away. Jesus. 

And you know what? YES, bitch. YES, you will ALWAYS be second best. You know fucking why? Because you weren’t there first. As much as you wouldn’t like to believe this, there was a girl before you, you were not first, and you most definitely were not the guy’s first love either. So drown in that feeling, okay? Drown knowing that you will be nothing forever, that you will never rise to his actual girlfriend’s place, because that is exactly what you deserve. You will never understand the pain of knowing that your partner has cheated on you, so it seems fair that you go through this pain too. Until you realize what kind of agony you cause, don’t you fucking dare complain about your trivial problems. I and many others don’t give a living, walking or flying shit about your insecurities. If you don’t want to live knowing that you will always be confined to the side hoe that no one likes, how about you stop a relationship when you find out your guy is taken? How about you make an effort about your ways instead of whining that it’s “fate” and you’re “cursed”? You’re not. You’re just lazy, and you’re so afraid of what people will say to you, that you try to justify what you’re doing.

At the end of the day, I’m just one person, and so is this girl. Not much of what I think is going to change her. It’s simply astounding to think of how many lives have been affected by her. That’s what I’m going to close with. 

If you are reading this, you horrible, witch-like girl, let me help you realize who you are. Because I get the feeling you don’t know yet. I don’t like you but when I find fucked up people like you in the world, I feel the need to fix you up...for the sake of the human race. No matter who you are, your name, your reputation, what you look like...your Facebook profile, for fuck’s sake, you will always be known as the side chick and nothing else. When people realize what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter how much you’ve donated to charity. It doesn’t matter how many hours you’re wasting wailing over your emotional shows. What matters is you consciously continuing a relationship with the knowledge that you’re not the only one in it. 

When you find out the truth, you are in a position of power, okay? You do have a say because now you’re involved with the man. You could do the right thing. Ask him to come clean to both of you. It would clear things up so fast, solve problems in both relationships. But no. You wouldn’t do that. I already know the kind of person you are. You would rather sneak around and be frustrated about the fact that this guy can never dedicate all of himself to you. You would rather have the cheatee go through all that pain when you could have prevented it before. That doesn’t make you feel anything? Because I think that makes you a heartless bitch. 

Try to defend yourself all you want, girl. Act like you’re doing the right thing. The whole world knows, though. You are nothing. And you will continue to be until you open your fucking eyes and see that hey, the world doesn’t fucking revolve around me, and my happiness comes with consequences. 

Oh yeah, and fuck those cheaters too. 

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

the gumba boy

ok so i was looking through my math notebook and i came upon a quote i wrote because one time the smartest kid in my class was having an argument with the dumbest kid in my class and to solidify his statement he shouted “and maybe the world was created by gumbas!” and idk we all just kind of stared at him

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

priced beauty

we see sunrises and sunsets each day,

where the horizon cuts the sun off bit by bit

until it vanishes out of our right.

we see the ethereal shades of 

pinks and magentas, aquamarines and oranges

all blended together like a child mixing chalk on the sidewalk.

but we only get to witness these moments

at the expense of our environment.

we ooh and aah,

while grass turns a bleak yellow and

trees lose their leaves.

we gasp ahnd cheer,

as gallons of toxic poisons rain down on plants

and dangerous fumes gather into black clouds,

floating up to obliterate the air. 

we take pictures and record videos,

not knowing our atmosphere is gradually heating up so much,

and trapping in so many gasses,

one day it won’t be able to fend off our attackers.

wake up, our atmosphere is wearing out - 

tiring from the endless thieves that try to steal this planet for themselves.

water and food are leeched off the poorer corners of our world,

yet so many of us don’t seem to care;

we just continue carelessly wasting our resources,

ignoring the growing danger up ahead because worrying means we have to do something and

it’s so much easier to just live and thrive in our unfair luxuries.

and soon our friends and family in other countries

are reduced to so little they need to suffer, fight and starve

for what’s plentifully offered to those don’t even deserve it.

stop pretending, stop living in your own bubble:

stick your head out and think about the fate of people who have it worse than you,

save the world while you still can,

or everything and everyone else will have to pay for your mistakes.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

hell

there are some people in this world

who try to help the fallen ones back up.

thinking maybe the good will be stronger than what’s bad.

truth is, 

this world is already going to hell.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

new york, with its bustling people and flashy lights and creative graffiti and run down buildings and gripping energy and complete beauty has c a u g h t my heart.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

out

i want you to know the words are on my tongue

and finally, they’re coming out.

they were swimming around in my system;

now they’re flying away.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

childhood

crinkled eyes and toothy grins

painted pictures on children’s faces.

cute little dimples and pointy chins

told stories left in traces.

songs were sung, music was made

in those precious years, no one cared.

girls fashioned on dresses and braids,

while boys puffed their chests, shoulders squared.

so where did it all go wrong?

when were paper airplanes crumpled and thrown out?

friendships stayed short, grudges long

and instead of playdates, you “hung out”.

you slept in class, told off the adults

thinking that this would make you cool.

through your lips slithered swears and insults

but all you gained was your title as a fool.

open your old works and find the truth,

in crayon drawings and mythical tales.

they document who you were as a youth,

with highlighted mistakes and emphasized details.

life reveals small moments of our past.

whether they be marks on the wall, chips in the paint

or entries of being an outcast,

the remembrances will stay eternally, however faint.

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone. And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine but we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men. Tired of playing a foolish game, Tired of trying to make a name. “Tomorrow” I say! “I will call on Jim Just to show that I’m thinking of him”, But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner, yet miles away, “Here’s a telegram sir,” “Jim died today.” And that’s what we get and deserve in the end. Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Charles Hanson Towne, Around the Corner (via themindmovement)

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

This is beautiful.

Happy Birthday Tyler!

So the person that changed so many lives turns 28 today. And I am so so happy he has made it that far and brought us such amazing, personal, heartwrenching and sometimes heart-warming songs. 

I can’t put exactly into words what I feel about this band, or how they have been there for me on days where it just didn’t seem possible to hurt anymore. The music is more than that, it has a palpitating soul that breathes life and meaning to every single person a different way. 

He has inspired people to take on music. He makes his shows th ebest experience by far to the devoted fanbase that surrounds them. 

It may be another ‘popular band’ to some people, but they are more than that..Tyler is someone who has been through Hell and back and instead of moping or dedicating time to his own fortune through songs, each and every day he supports and makes sure that he loves people triumphently. 

I will probably never get a chance to meet him, but he is someone who created my favorite band, he’s the echo in the halls telling me to keep pushing as I put my headphones on to drownout the hate and the suffering and the pain.

He turned pain into beautiful melodic pieces. Ashes into a blazing fire.

Tyler is 28, but that is so much more than that. That’s him not giving up no matter how hard it was. That is his persistence and his courage. And I just want to tell him thank you, thank you, for allowing us to connect and relate to that. When you go there, all judgement slips away. You say that you have suffered from depression and the other sends messages of love and support.

Tyler Joseph is more than a singer, he’s more than his tattoos or his paint. Its his entire belief system that he spreads. The hope that he and Josh give that makes me proud to be part of this fanbase more than anything. 

[ourtinycorner-blog1]

ME