overthinking-and-oversharing

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

big news for the void

im alive

I feel like I disappeared right when it was getting good..

I just moved into my first apartment that is all mine.. I'm living alone..which is huge.

I have a special person in my life........ and nothings wrong.... *gasp*

well.. I can always find something wrong but there's nothing *really* wrong. Or I just haven't allowed myself to be delusional

I got covid and I spent 15 days away from everyone... everyone.. even the special someone (who also got covid)

my crazy ass thought that we would still see each other. Of course my imagination goes wild with little ideas and fantasies that we'd spend the time together, really seeing everything and getting through it together but they wanted to go home and spend some time alone.

...which I support.. but I was bummed. They said that they just didn't want to irritate me and get too close for comfort.

I'm secretly so clingy and so emotional. I had to postpone my wifi being installed and my cell reception is worse than North Korea so your girl was spiraling.. all I could do was sit and think and journal and over think. A lot of it circling this person..

I was in emotional despair.. you'd think I had been through three divorces and a death because: I. WAS. DEPRESSED.

and nothing was wrong.. I was just overthinking.

since they were sick too (a lot worse off than me, might I add) our communication via text was minimal

which only added fuel to the fire. I'm a Leo so i tried to pick myself up and throw myself back into bad bitch mode but I've convinced myself that they hate me..

when I see them again.. how do I not act like a stranger? or how do I not throw myself at them?

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

me with my song recs at the ready..

(credit: @vickcammie on Instagram)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

this song makes me feel like Nicole Kidman's acting

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

does this ponytail get any tighter.. ?

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

if you know, you know..

(& ily)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

THE CASE FOR THE "P WORD" AKA.. PARKER.

I'm so fucking tired of saying his name.

*sigh* well here we go..

The latest past boy toy and and an ever developing story.. Parker.

He's someone who fell into my lap. No chase. No attraction. No pining. No hoping.

Elodie set us up.

I wasn't interested.. I had my eye on someone else, whom I wanted to be my vacation fling. Elodie said, "why not, Parker?"

I said, "who?"

Apparently she meant the guy she had a crush on since forever.. then, I really wasn't interested.

He wasn't my type, I didn't think I'd like him. Elodie got him on the phone..

She attempted to embarrass me by saying that I said he wasn't my type.. to which I stood firm. And he said, "I could change your mind.."

He came over, had drinks, and it all felt very platonic..

Elodie makes a fool of herself being over the top-- changing in front of us and frolicking all around.

. . .

I was laying in bed with him and Elodie even noted how quickly we grew comfortable.

Truth is, I was comfortable, very comfortable with him.

I wasn't nervous or intimidated-- in the slightest.

Elodie left and Parker stayed until 4:30AM

It was all very platonic.. sure we were cuddling but it wasn't serious.

Then he left to "grab something from his car" and that's when he kissed me on the forehead and then kissed me on the lips.

We spent the rest of the night kissing and cuddling, rolling around "watching" movies and shows.

He was all over me, hands in my hair - his lips on my neck, on my cheeks, forehead.. but never straying far from mine.

everywhere. and it felt good. but I felt nothing for him, no real desire..

Sure, I was turned on, but he was kissing my neck..

When his lips hit mine-- it lacked everything I thought I was supposed to feel.

It didn't matter to me because, to me, I thought we both knew what it was-- Random. One night..

Maybe it was because I knew I wasn't going to sleep with him that the kissing meant nothing to me.

But..

that couldn't be the case.. because even so, there would be a drive to attach.. to know, to understand him.. and there wasn't one.

I wrote it off as experience, mainly-- experimenting.

Part of me just wanted to be wild and say fuck it, come here, you're mine tonight. but I wasn't sure what it would mean to him and I thought better of welcoming that drama into my life..

I saw him three more times..

We went on a "date" and it was the absolute bore and failure that taught me a real lesson-- We all know exactly what we want..

Maybe we're less inclined to attain it because, deep down, we think we don't deserve it.

..that might be true.. but I didn't care because I know what I don't deserve.

I don't deserve feeling as if someone taking me out is them just getting it out of the way.. The: there. i did it. you happy now? attitude.

..it wasn't that overt, but, you get the picture.

He was on his phone. barely talked to me. barely looked at me.. seemed so uninterested. He looked at the tv behind me and then inhaled his shitty *name of gross restaurant* tacos-- without pause.

The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

Never have I ever wanted to just ditch someone more in my life.

I got on the phone with my mom in the bathroom and she told me to slip out the back, and that she'd pick me up-- and I thought about it.

yikes.

I fantasized about getting up and leaving..

. . .

He had to drive me home and he didn't seem happy about it.

The most maddening part was when we stopped at the gas station..

We pull into the gas station and I see a cute moment unfolding in front of me and as I would do with anyone else.. I pointed it out.

"look, that guy is gonna bring that woman flowers" - how sweet.

It was a little rotund man walking across the gas station parking lot with flowers behind his back, about to give them to the woman pumping gas.

I thought Parker was appreciating the moment of simplicity with me.. he was looking and then he said, "yeah. I don't give a fuck." in the same breath, gets out and slams the door behind him..

And when I tell you I saw RED.

I. SAW. RED.

I got so livid that I wanted to get out of the car and call an Uber-- and why I didn't, I couldn't tell you.

I didn't want to be irrational.. but In that moment-- I wanted to leave, to separate myself from the situation. when you put it like that..

OF COURSE YOU LEAVE.

But of course I didn't. I just sat and simmered, muttering to myself that I hated this person.

After the whole night of him being vaguely aloof and demeaning, this time it was so obviously making me feel inconsequential and stupid..

I wanted to scream.

I should have left but I let him drive me home.. let him psychopathically serenade me with the weirdest oldie song: Magic Moments by Perry Como

AS IF WE JUST HAD THE NIGHT OF OUR LIVES!!!???

and I FUCKING KISSED HIM..

What the fuck is wrong with me?

To me, it was the kiss of death. I told him that I felt as if he couldn't care less.. and that I don't know why he wants to keep wasting his time if he isn't interested.

This man couldn't be vulnerable enough to say: i like you.

wow.

All of this bullshit and I didn't even like him that much to begin with.

What the fuck.

I just didn't want to hurt his feelings.. and in that moment, I realized.. this is how people get stuck in relationships and marriages..

They see nuance where it isn't. It's black and white.

I knew he wasn't my type.. he said he'd prove me wrong.. he didn't.

we weren't compatible, end of story.. instead we drug it out and still that door isn't really shut, for him.

(He still texts me *eye roll* weird communication)

Now.. why oh why don't I care? when every other guy I've been head over heels for-- I haven't even kissed.

And suddenly one comes into my life that I really give a chance to..

Nothing happens.

I feel nothing. and unlike these boys that I never even touched..

I don't care.

I don't care what he thinks, I don't care what he's doing, who he's with, where he goes.

I'm not thinking of him.. I'm not wondering, "what if?" I don't miss him. I'm not sad.

I don't care.

I think it's because with all the other guys, I saw potential, I saw possibility and for some of those few.. I still see potential and possibility.

But with Parker.. I saw what I needed to.. I collected the data and I did the math and I came to a clear conclusion-- it won't work. I'm not interested. Poof. Gone. No mourning--

No loss because, I experienced it. I didn't have fun. I was disappointed. I was disrespected.

Part one.

(a Red Book entry)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

lol send help.

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

I know I can't sleep with him..

Being there.. I could lay with him, kiss him, touch him, with no panic.

but they always want more.

He didn't force me or make me feel uncomfortable - but his desire was palpable.. feeling desired is an intoxicating feeling..

It only takes me so far until i know my limits.

I know i can't sleep with him. i'm not talking sex, i'm saying sleep.

He wanted to spend the night but i couldn't be sure what waking up in the middle of the night or in the morning, would do to me.. seeing him there. Feeling him.

His breath on my neck.

How could i be sure that i wouldn't freak out?

I couldn't.

Thats why its absolutely critical that i'm obsessed with the person.. and our encounters happen in the wild (ie: public)

He's on top of me and i just want it to be over.. it's hard to explain, my head was in but my heart was out..

or my body was doing a one woman show and my mind was rolling its eyes..

(a Red Book entry)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

"I don't think people start journals because they have something to say.. but because they have something to remember."

-OverthinkingandOversharing

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

Not a doll.

(credit: @hwasasthrone on Instagram)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

welcome.

hi.

I started this blog because I've always had an affinity for writing. Any time I've ever had a problem, it races around my mind until I'm nearly incoherent.. my spirit rests after I put pen to paper. Set in stone. Nail in coffin.

Finally I know how I feel and it's complete.

This blog will feature anecdotes and essays created from my experience. Names and places might be subject to slight modification, but it'll be the truth. my truth.

How I feel and what I think as a twenty something woman.

I hope this will be a safe space for me to be honest and share.. we'll have a little girl talk.. we'll talk boys.. girls.. family.. friends..

nothings off limits

(Rated: R... sorry mom :)

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

Coming soon: entries from the red book. 

[overthinking-and-oversharing]

agreed.