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I miss being a Christian. Life was simpler when I could blame the pain on mysterious divine plans instead of my own consistent self-sabotage.

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me: i’m fine also me: regularly masturbates in my car during my lunch break trying to generate serotonin in a honda fit because capitalism is so spiritually bankrupt

anyway i’ll be back in the office in 15 minutes like nothing happened. browser tabs cleared. dead behind the eyes

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“We should have an African pope. it’s time.” Do you hear yourselves?

He’s not a diversity hire. He’s not a social media win. He’s not a symbolic nod to progress like some Vatican-branded Black square.

We’re talking about centuries of African theology, scholarship, and leadership as if this is a quota to be met, not a rightful evolution. The phrase “it’s time” implies a charity gesture, not a recognition of legitimacy. Like the church is tossing Africa a bone after 2,000 years of missionary colonialism.

The fact that you can imagine an African pope and immediately reduce him to a representation milestone, not a powerful spiritual authority, tells on you.

He’s not here to make the church “look good.” He’s here because African Catholics are not a side dish in your institutional banquet. They are the church.

But who am I to speak on it? Just an ignorant agnostic watching the tokenization play out from the sidelines.

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People say money doesn’t buy happiness, but I just spent $200 on plants I’m going to forget to water and I felt euphoric the whole time.

Will they die? Yes.

Was I God while filling that cart? Yesss. Let me rot in peace next to my withering calatheas.

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75% of Tumblr...well not 75% because half of that is porn. but 75% of non-porn Tumblr is people cosplaying mental illness like it’s an aesthetic. You're not dissociating Emily. You’re emotionally dehydrated and confusing thirst with trauma.

Anyway, I say this as a raging hypocrite who once cried over a houseplant and called it spiritual detachment.

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the urge to just walk away from it all. to vanish. no explanation. not out of sadness. just because it’s not worth the effort.

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i don't like femininity and masculinity because of gender. i like femininity because it’s beautiful. i like masculinity because it’s powerful. some things you want to touch. some things you want to stand next to and dare them to move you.

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i don't want advice. i want to be right and a little bit worse

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its 1am and birds are outside chirping. they’re confused. same as the rest of us

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i didn’t want enlightenment. i didn’t want to heal the world. i didn’t want a job title.

i just wanted to fuck, eat, laugh, fight, and fall asleep under the sky sometimes.

but religion said i should be ashamed. capitalism said i should be exhausted.

and now everything good costs too much. either in guilt or money.

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controversial take: a lot of women are only straight because they were conditioned to think they should be. recognizing that a man is cute isn’t the same as feeling real, feral attraction. most of us were taught to want to be wanted, not to want men themselves. once you realize that, straightness starts feeling like a bad group project you never wanted to be part of.

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being alive is so embarrassing. like imagine surviving millions of years of evolution just to lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if you’re annoying or just ugly.

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If the Bible was published today as a new book, it would survive exactly one PTA meeting.

Graphic depictions of war crimes, r*pe, genocide? Flagged.

Instructions for how to buy and beat slaves? Flagged.

Public executions for witchcraft and adultery? Flagged

A god ordering armies to wipe out entire cities? Flagged.

It would be banned from schools, libraries, and book fairs

not because we should ban books, but because modern society can't handle the mirror it holds up.

The Bible is protected by nostalgia, not honesty.

It’s sacred because it’s old, not because it’s kind.

And if you think that's uncomfortable?

Good. It should be.

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Automatic Reply: I Am Not Emotionally Available

Hello,

Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office and spiritually unreachable until [insert arbitrary return date I made up so you'll leave me alone].

If this is urgent, please:

Ask yourself why you think I can fix it.

Wait 3–5 business days for divine intervention.

Email Greg instead. He loves chaos and egg salad.

I will not be checking emails during this time, but rest assured—I will see them, sigh dramatically, and emotionally process them in my journal before responding.

Kind regards, Junie B. Jones Senior Budget Variance Analyst | Q2 Dissociation Consultant "Alignment is a myth. So is my work-life balance."